Out of the Darkness

Intense past month or so for me. And many others, I know, I feel you.

I have been (and am) in a massive place of transition at the moment. I can feel it – it’s like I’m lost, utterly lost, but know I need to feel that way to be able to shed and leave behind everything that no longer serves me.

As many of you know, I once thought (and for a very long time) that I wasn’t worth very much and I was pretty much an ugly duckling. I’ve had a recent lesson that has supported me in owning and accepting my worth and my beauty (in and out).

I finally believe that I am worthy and deserving to be my best self and have people around me who are striving to create a beautiful inner and outer world for themselves and others.

I feel like I have developed, through the darkness, a stronger sense of why I am here. It’s a little scary – not in achieving it, but in the machinations of how to achieve it.

I have a vision for this world.

A unity and community borne of, and from, love, as well as a deep connection arising from our collective similarities rather than our differences. I believe it is achievable. And I believe the way to get there is through collective healing.

I’ve had to step back from my normal lifestyle to regenerate and repair my energy. At the end of last term, I was completely exhausted – physically, emotionally and at a deep soul level. I tend to give a lot of energy out. All. Of. The. Time.

I have slowed down. I am realising that too much work brings money in, and takes happiness and fulfillment out. For me, in this moment. Money is great. I’m not knocking it. I’m just not wholly fulfilled earning it the way that I am. So, I’ve started pulling back from that. If I don’t believe I am serving people well, I need to step out. It’s hard, but necessary.

I have also realised that I am worthy of a deep and profound love. I do second guess it a bit, but in my core, I am worthy.

I have chatted to a couple of people over the last couple of days, overwhelmed that people can see me as amazing when I’m just being me.

I’ve been me my whole life, and have never been regarded with as much enthusiasm and validation as I have since India in November of 2016. Just recently, it has amped up even more.

My healing intentions for the world are being supported and people are ‘impressed’ by me. Freaks me out. Little girl lost is finding herself. I wish that for everyone.

I’m ready to evolve. Ascending higher. I know that won’t be solitary work. And it will be fraught with challenges for me to learn and grow from. But, I’m learning that there is a larger plan, that I need to be patient, that everyone who enters my life enters to teach me something, and that not everyone is here to stay. And, that’s okay.

A little lost still. Reread a book today and finished another book. Peaceful, but a little lonely. An interesting feeling for me because it’s a foreign feeling. I also feel raw, open and exceptionally vulnerable. Yet, I blog. I’m such a weirdo.

I am grateful for this darker period. I am grateful for the light occasionally flickering to remind me it is temporary. I am grateful for the deep connections I am able to build with people. I am grateful that I have courage. I am grateful that I am me. I am grateful for growth. I am grateful for pain. I am grateful for loveliness. All serve to remind me of where I have come from and where I am.

The Fear of Change

If you read this blog regularly, you know that this week I have opened new bank accounts. Scott Pape, the Barefoot Investor, suggests that you open online bank accounts without fees. He then suggests that you have your pay transferred directly into the Everyday account.

Logical. It ensures that the $1000 deposit per month happens with minimal fuss and effort.

Terrified me.

It is only during the last 24 hours that I have started to feel comfortable with letting go of a bank account I have held for over twenty years. An account that has seen every cent I’ve ever earned as a teacher go through it. The rigmarole of reorganizing my direct debits is a little overwhelming, but I’ll do it.

Slowly.

I’m giving myself time for the crossover between old and new.

This is a small change in my life, realistically.

However, the fear and discomfort of traversing new ground holds for all change. Large and small.

Change, letting go of what was, is not easy.

Vital for growth, but not easy.

And, sometimes, we find we are ready to change, but we need to have patience before we are in the best possible position to jump.

I’ve sat with leaving teaching for a few months. My heart and head, surprisingly, are ready. My finances are not. My business is strong, but I need to pay off some debts before I am able to jump. I could do it now, but the stress it would cause is not worth it. In the long term, patience will be rewarded with a stronger financial foundation and I won’t need to sacrifice as much as I would need to now.

This small process though, holds for bigger changes. Whenever we move from one state of being to another, it is hard. And there are moments afterwards, when we are in transition, letting go of the old and creating the new, where loneliness/fear/trepidation take over, and it doesn’t matter how horrible the old was, we long for the comfort of knowing.

Courage. Don’t go backwards. Breathe deeply through the transition. Hold onto your hopes and dreams.

This too, my friends, shall pass.

Eagle Soaring

There are three bald eagles living here. They live in a variety of birch trees throughout the woods surrounding the lake. Every morning one sits in a tree just down from us and scrutinises the lake. 

I was sitting on the dock this morning watching it. Suzanne and Lynn were with me. We were talking about other worlds. 

I am feeling very zen. I have for a few months now. Occasionally I have anxiety over money but I acknowledge it and turn my energy towards manifesting it. There are more clients than I can handle on my own. I might expand sooner rather than later. 

We went walking through the adjoining woods towards the eagle’s tree. Peace. Quiet. Life. 

There is a strong wind today. Rain had been forecast. Apart from Friday night there has been no sign. Perfect days following perfect nights.

Yesterday was about healing. All of us here are healers in some form. Nine witches; ten when next door’s Lyn pops in. We each sat in the centre of the larger group. I was so reluctant to receive; this is the thing I am currently working on. 

I had two therapeutic massages during the week. They were incredible experiences; healing that filled and realigned my chakras. My solar plexus chakra was larger than it should be, forcing my heart chakra to decrease in size. Whilst it was in perfect function, it couldn’t expand. I feel that that has been corrected. 

Coming to the cabin was exactly what was required. Silence and stillness to restore my equilibrium. 

And so we went to the woods. I am sure that the faerie folk spoke to me. Cheeky smiles and winks beckoning me forward. 

When I came back and sat on the dock, the eagle was soaring. The tide is higher and so I stood. A long car trip in a wet dress – too zen for me 😉. I am sure that the eagle spoke to me. Yes, this trip, an innocent catch up with friends and a wedding, is turning out to be a turning point. 

A massive shift is occurring for me. If I remain open, life will continue to transform. I am continually reminded that each of our lives is filled with great potential, if we allow it. I am reminded that the difference between happiness and sadness, and any other binary opposition, is a single choice. We are all powerful beyond measure and exist as part of a much larger system. 

We are so blessed to live at a time of huge transition for our world, as we know it. We, together, can create the next one. 

Beauty.