Trusting the Flow

I’ve attended every yoga class this term. That’s a minor miracle for me. Usually, by now, I would have become sick.

Not this term.

I’ve meditated almost every night. As a result, my deep sleep percentage is rising. I also have more energy every day.

This week, after Sunday’s minor implosion with massive purging, my perspectives have shifted. It’s like I shook off everything that has been holding me back. Sunday was hard, but needed to happen.

I woke on Monday, liberated. An easiness in my steps with a singing heart. I’ve had an amazing week.

I’ve stopped worrying about money. I have minimal stress. I feel fantastic. And the energies are flowing. I’ve loved working and feel so blessed to be creating the life I want to be living.

My business is thriving; my waiting list is surging. My intuition is at full strength and I’m trusting the signs. Ooh, and embracing opportunities.

Because I removed my self-imposed shackles, I am embracing and loving life. I no longer want to be small. I’m ready to shine. I am shining.

I am not controlled by my past or by distorted self- perception. My writing is flowing and my book is writing itself as a result. I’m learning, growing, becoming wholly me in every instant.

I’m not looking back. Eyes are pointing forward whilst my soul is very much present in the moment.

Gratitude.

Battling On

Well, not really battling. I think it’s important to follow up Sunday’s post.

IVF really changed parts of me for a long time, as it is wont to do. I do not regret the journey and I am ultimately grateful for the outcome. Without all of that, I wouldn’t be here. And, here is pretty darn good.

Shedding the emotion on Sunday has empowered and enabled huge steps forwards. I have deleted unnecessary pages I was adminning on Facebook and found an admin for one of my groups that has over three and a half thousand members.

One of my inner circle is continually reminding me that I need to send clear messages to the universe regarding the life I want. Deleting pages and removing myself as admin is sending that energy out there as well as creating space for new things.

I think this is important. It is not enough to just want change. We acting very need to create the space for new things in our often cluttered lives and then we need to actively pursue the new things. Clear messages; clear direction; clear action.

I am also revamping my healing page and my writing page. I have created new promotional material for Akashi Healing. I feel empowered. Inspired. Happy. Peaceful.

Seven Weeks. Fourteen Days.

I am grateful that my windscreen was smashed. We have not found out who was responsible for it. But, I feel no anger, just gratitude. I hope that the child responsible finds the support they need to be able to fill the hole within them that lead them to the point where they believed their actions were appropriate and necessary.

Regardless, I am grateful.

Education no longer serves my highest self. This is no judgement on or against anyone else; these are just my thoughts and my perceptions. If you are a happy teacher, power to you. I no longer am.

I love children. I love working with them to empower them to fulfil their dreams. I love those light bulb moments when they get it. I love the jokes, the loving teasing, the rapport that is built through symbiotic trust. I love inspiring them to see the world and their place in it, in new ways. I am still a passionate and idealistic teacher. I always will be.

However, I do not respect or like the machine that education has become. I do not like the lack of humanity embodied in the broader leadership, and I cannot fathom or respect machinations that regard teachers and students as robots and tick a boxes.

I do not have the passion to fight it. There are too many who just follow it. My type of teacher is in the vast minority. I don’t see enough commitment to want to change; people don’t stand up and fight for anything anymore.

I will stand up and fight for me by being true to me, and putting me first. After all, no one else will. It is not anyone else’s responsibility; it is mine, and mine alone.

So, I have fourteen working days left until I hand in my keys. Keys that I will have held for very close to twenty years.

I have no intention of ever going back. I thought, when this time came, I would feel more heartbroken. Maybe the grief will come; maybe it won’t. At the moment, I feel like I’m finally answering a call to let go of fear and to start living. I feel liberated.

I have been sick this week, my body has been purging stress toxins, I’m sure. I have not been at school since the incident. I feel liberated. In the past, when I’ve been sick and had to take a couple of days, I’ve felt sooooo guilty that I was letting other people down. This time, I was able to prioritise my health and acknowledge my own worth. Illness requires rest. No one is let down; it just is what it is.

I feel happy. I have felt exhausted this week, every afternoon, as I’ve headed out to work with my clients. But my energy thrived as I arrived to the first door step each day and sustained itself until I arrived home. I feel very present when I work with my kids. I feel a happy heart and fulfilled soul; feelings, that in teaching, have been eclipsed by ever increasing administration demands and the systemic disregard for the welfare of teachers.

I know I’m a teacher. I always will be. But, at the end of the day, I am worth more and am more valuable than the system/broken machine of education decrees, and so, like all abusive relationships, I will move away from it so that my soul can thrive. I will not allow myself to be made small again in my life. This lesson is learned ( fingers crossed lol).

This time, I am breaking the abuse cycle that has ruled my life. This time, I empower me. This time, I am truly free.

Where do I start?

Five days in Katoomba to start my Diploma in Sound Healing with two of my soul sisters.

Wow.

I had been feeling that I was losing my way. I could feel that this life was not my best life. And, I had started to feel trapped and fearful. I was no longer standing in my truth.

I set the intention for the course to focus on healing my heath. I need my big arse belly to go.

The journey I took, after setting the intention, has been mind blowing. Mind blowing and multi-faceted.

My big arse belly, which I love deeply, is the result of living in the stress response my whole life – cortisol substituting blood – through my body. It is also the result of emotional eating because of trauma and the resulting belief that I am not worthy of deep love.

I am.

I am worthy of deep love. And I love my big arse belly because she is my inner child and because she has carried me to this point. Because I love her so much, I am going to liberate her. She will no longer be the prisoner of my emotions because I am worthy of deep love, and that starts with me loving myself deeply.

The full moon is here. A powerful full moon in Scorpio. Love and transformation.

I release self-loathing.

I release my beliefs that I am not worthy, that I am not good enough, that I am not deserving.

I release my fears about not having enough because I believed I was not good enough.

I release my inner girl, my big arse belly, and send her to fly freely.

I had forgotten the things that I was living last year. I had forgotten that I deserve abundance, freedom and deep spiritual divine love. I had forgotten that I was worthy of only the very best this life has to offer. I reset this intention here. I am worthy. I am love. I am peace. I am abundance.

I release my outdated beliefs and I reclaim my worthiness.

How did I come here …

We set our intentions and sealed them with sound.

We discovered our blocks through sound.

We transformed our blocks through sound.

We reformed ourselves through sound.

We reclaimed ourselves through sound.

And, we shared space with likeminded people, all at different points on the path, and worked with beautifully souled facilitators holding and nurturing the space, and found ourselves free to explore beneath the layers, peeling them back and discarding them one at a time. And, my soul sisters and I continued the healing and processing together every night at home.

Healing requires intention, safety, support, honesty, trust and a shitload of hard work. It requires owning your own healing whilst someone facilitates a safe space. Sound can be that space; the vibrations and the tones shifting and dissolving those redundant narratives we have held dear for too long.

I have learned so much in the last five days. I have made some small decisions regarding my way forward. And, I am finally ready to stay in my truth amidst the noise of every day life.

Om Shanti šŸ™šŸ»

How?

So, I keep saying follow your heart, jump and you’ll be okay, pausing my old life was the best thing I ever did, and things like those. But, how? How do we do this if we have kids, a mortgage, people to care for, no time, etc?

In small ways. Any change starts a ripple that could eventually turn into a tide of change. If that’s what you need.

I needed to jump. You may not need to or can’t. And, that’s okay.

I was feeling dead. I was just going through the motions of living. I was working long hours, coming home and watching mindless television or surfing the internet, getting sick all of the time, and sleeping most weekends. I was miserable. However, I was mostly competent at work (some inconsistencies in marking one task) and was putting on a brave face most of the time.

That’s not life. People comment now on my eyes. They have repeatedly said that my eyes have changed: they are alive, your eyes sparkle. Yes. Because I’m happy. Because I’m living.

It starts with one step.

1. What in your life brings you the least joy?

2. Write it all down, or say it out loud.

3. Are there things on that list that can be delegated and done by someone else (maybe not to the same quality, but well enough)? If so, delegate (at home AND at work). Is there anything you can just stop doing without the world self-destructing (maybe a cleaner once every six months to do the windows, or a cleaner every month to give you one weekend off, or a gardener or handyman occasionally to give you some time off)?

4. What things, that you already do, bring you the most joy?

5. What other things, that you don’t have time for, would you do if you had the time?

6. For the things you listed in 4 and 5, make a plan to do one of those things more or at least once during the next month. I’m not asking you to change your entire world overnight, just take small steps.

It could be as simple as getting up ten minutes earlier to stand outside with your face to the sun for five minutes before your day starts. It could be as complex as planning a camping trip or a weekend away in four weeks time, or for right now.

It is up to you. We are not machines. We do not have to live our lives without happiness and inspiration; it only takes one small change to change your perception of your world. Even if you feel happy enough, why not spend extra time doing something you really love to bring you a little extra joy.

It is Christmas, after all, and ’tis the season to be jolly falalalalala lalalala.

Merry Christmas Eve.

And, if you do try the above, drop me a line and let me know how you go. This is a mini version of a chapter in my new book (currently being written).

And remember, twenty seconds of courage. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Just stop making excuses. It’s your life, and it’s a short one. You deserve to live the way you want. Free your mind.

Thank you Paula Chalker for permission to use the image.

Deep Breaths

This time last year, I was excited by the potential of a new life. I was also absolutely terrified. That I wouldn’t have enough money. That I would fail. That I would be a hot mess for the entire year. That nothing would change. That I wouldn’t have enough money. That I wouldn’t have enough money. That I wouldn’t have enough –

You get the idea. More than all of that though, I was terrified I wouldn’t see it through. That everything would become too hard and I would just go back to what I knew. For the fourth time in my life, I had to jump, because if I didn’t, I knew I would be starving my life and my soul of something it needed, to breathe.

I think we know when we are hitting that point. We feel lost, stagnant, as if we are dying whilst we stand. We either become depressed or we change something. I had to change something.

So, I did.

From the outside, I guess it looks like I up and left my life. Big step. Lots of courage required. But, the truth is, I just put a pause on the life I lived. I created space to see what else my life could be. By doing this, I opened my life up, took the things I loved doing, and the space was there to do them.

I said yes to every opportunity, even if the opportunity was scary. I paused life as it was, and with it, I paused fear. As I’ve often said, twenty seconds of courage – acknowledge the fear, and then remind it that it isn’t driving the car (thanks, Liz Gilbert The Big Magic).

I have expanded. My life has expanded. I am happy.

At some point during the year, I let go of the fear of not enough money and really started to trust that I will always have enough. I am now working on becoming a multimillionaire within ten years, but that’s another story for another day. Especially as I face a January without income (or very little income because I will only receive what I generate for myself – and I’m cool with that. I think my bills are covered).

I have had many highlights this year. Many. I have been humbled beyond belief by the love that has opened within my life. I have been humbled by the growth of my business. I have been humbled by the sheer number of beautiful people and beautiful experiences I have encountered this year. I am in love with my life again. I am learning to see myself through the eyes of others, and loving who I am.

We create our lives. We create who we are. We create the potential and we create the lack of potential. We are in charge.

It might not be easy, but it’s easier than continuing to live a life that you don’t enjoy, and that is slowly killing your spirit and your happiness.

I am very poor. I am very happy. I needed to come to this point to embrace the riches I have, outside of money, so that the next chapters in my life generate both equally. Having money in a life not loved makes us rabid consumers and breaks our connection to who we authentically are. I am now living a life I love, it fuels trust that I will always be provided for, and generates the desire to earn more to enable the sharing of wealth with others.

It’s been an interesting year. The moment that best encapsulates it for me occurred very early on, during February, in Western Australia, when Mel taught me to snorkel.

Oh my. I still feel the fear, then the conquering of the fear as the cool water streamed past my face, stroking my cheeks, as my eyes opened to a whole other world under the surface of the water. It’s beauty caught my breath then, and holds it still.

What a wonderful life. What a wonderful world.

What will you do to create your best life?

Just a quickieĀ 

As anyone who reads regularly knows, I am in massive transition this year, moving away from the life that was and into the life that will be. And obviously, there will be some minor obstacles, hiccoughs, and the like. Change is rarely simple or easy. 

What I have had an epiphany about this morning whilst responding to a friend (truth be told, something I probably needed to say to myself more than to her), was that the obstacles and ensuing sadness, have only really come in moments when I have struggled to let go of my old life. By this, I mean when I am feeling resentful because I feel snubbed by my old school, or when people I thought would stay in contact haven’t, or when I am fearful I won’t have enough money so kill myself working long hours. 

When I resist the changes, I feel the friction and this causes moments of unhappiness. 

If I flow and trust and embrace what is happening in the present, and trust, because I know that I will be okay, more than okay, in the future, life should become easier. 

I know this yet still need reminders. Shaking my head but I guess I am only human so should cut myself some slack. 

Planning for Balance

So I was doing the dishes and thoughts started to drift into my consciousness, forcing me to look at them. As I have said before, I lacked balance during 2014. I want balance back. The last couple of days have inspired the idea that I need to work out which areas of my life I want to focus on during 2015 to get the balance. My spiritual practice as a witch is right up there and I started to put out the energy to call my teacher to me; I feel that it is time. I am in the process of booking a reading for myself. I have enquired about meditation classes. I am bored by television (a positive sign because lord knows it zaps any motivation/inspiration to actually live your life). And I am reading at the rate of knots. I have planted some herbs and flowers, and am tending to their growth. So I am on the path.

And I got to thinking, what stops this from happening when I am at work. Obviously the answer is me. More specifically my choices and underlying limitations. Last year was a huge year for me professionally; I really came in to my own as a teacher, a mentor and a leader. It was important for me to achieve this level of professional growth so that I could carry the achievement with me into my personal growth. I was focused and committed last year. I knew what I had to achieve and I achieved it. I don’t think I necessarily set tangible goals but I had a constant to do list. And as a result, I did.

I am setting a similar type of to do list for my personal growth this year; the things that I want to have ticked off by the end of 2015.Ā Spiritual growth, healing work, time in nature, all right up there with learning ukulele (a community college course in March should see this one ticked off) and writing my bestseller (yep, all the help in the world needed with this one).

I have been researching courses all afternoon. Trying to find the one thing that ties all of my loose ribbons together, and I can’t find it. I think it is because it all already lies within me. I am a trained educator. I am a trained teacher of meditation. I am a holistic counsellor. I am a Reiki Master. I have dabbled in mediumship and can read the cards (to varying levels of success). I have gained my Master of Arts in Writing. I have the skills and the paperwork to support all of my strands. What I lack is the venture that draws them together. And I lack the vision or the trust or the vehicle to enable me to see my next steps.

But I also fear that when work starts back, I will lose my ability to give myself permission to live my life. The demands on me are significant (mostly in my own head lol). Saying ‘no’ has never been a strength for me; and yes, that is connected to my sense of value (I know I am valuable but for some reason, I still struggle to say no to others). I want to continue to succeed at work but I think I need to draw the line between ensuring my success and enabling the success of others. Mentoring is important to me, I feel that being in service to others is vital for social connection and communal success. However, I need to draw and reinforce the line that I am just one part of the cog and not the entire cog. I need to reestablish myself professionally by empowering others to be confident in their own practice and forging their own paths. Maybe a simple reminder to myself each day will achieve this.

I also need to set work hours. And I need to adhere to them. Rigidly. I think a weekly timetable could ensure the success of this; physically timetabling specific work tasks and personal tasks, and publishing my timetable. This would allow others to see that whilst they are important to me, I have parameters with which to live my own life and they are just one component. I started an appointment system last year. It worked whilst I enforced it. I think that the scheduling of time is important and something I need to focus on. The person in my appointment time will have me completely present during that time, and after that time, I can be present for myself. This should support me to find energy to complete my own personal to do list too.

Funnily, even as I write this, with absolute gusto I assure you, there is that niggling voice in the back of my head telling me that I am being selfish. And whilst I grin as I write this, and admonish that niggling voice, I realise that my sense of self-worth is really the core issue here. I need to wholly accept that I am valuable enough to say no. That I do not live just for the sake of others. That my life and my development is important too.

And I think affirmations can help me with this.

Interesting …

My 2014 …

It has been a big year and a mixed year. But I really love living. And I love ageing. And growing. It really can’t be beaten.

2013 ended with a failed IVF attempt and that too, was repeated during 2014. However, the former proved to be a miscarriage that resulted in bleeding constantly for three months in 2014 (oh lucky me lol). Apart from hormonal migraines and other hormonal issues I was able to dodge the more feral cold and flus that circulated until two weeks ago when I contracted a horrid chest infection (not enough balance in 2014). Of course, it eventuated right at the very beginning of my holiday period, as life is prone to do. Just when we think we are safe … hehe. 2015 hopefully will see a reduction in hormonal issues for me and a generally healthier year with more balance; fingers crossed, strategising started.

2014 started with my very first real cruise and has ended with a cruise. I truly am blessed to be able to undertake such things, remembering too that I cruised in October for a few days too. Truly relaxing way to holiday but not very adventurous. And ultimately, P&O has great showers in the staterooms and unbeatable vegetarian food but Royal Carribean trumps it in so many ways. April saw a getaway to Melbourne with Lauren and Sara for a few days that cemented those friendships.

I regained my dreads. Focused a bit more on my witchcraft, healing and talking to the spirits. Finished my Masters. Started this blog. And need to extend all of this practice into 2015 religiously.

Whilst I do not have a friendship group, I have many friends. Most made it through 2014 with me, even though I have reconstructed some walls. Some friendships grew much stronger, others just persevered, and some have become a little more remote. My family relationships are strong and I have invited myself into the Cusack clan as part of their family; happened quickly and seamlessly with no real effort. I hope that they choose to stay in my life. I like them.

I am still collecting people, and I like that.

Books remain my truest friends. Thank the universe that Jodi Picoult writes at least one book a year and I am now immersed in Deborah Harkness. I also read a life changing book in Melbourne during April (The True Secret of Writing by Natalie Goldberg); reinforcing the notion that everyday practice strengthens the psyche and the soul. This was probably one of my best years in terms of living in the present moment and minimising stress.

Not that work helped that. Probably the biggest time chunks during 2014 centred on work. Whilst I love my job unconditionally, I really need to bring balance back in 2015. Long hours are not conducive to relationships and broader life experiences like religious practice and writing.

I gave much advice during 2014; professional and personal. And I accepted advice during 2014. I sought out advice at times (rare for me) but still remained disappointed at times (referring an ‘alleged’ paedophile at work and no real support from DET or the counsellors because there is just no way to move through working with an ‘alleged’ paedophile in teaching when a victim chooses not to come forward and make the allegation formal). I grew to empathise with others more and become less judgemental (except for the ‘alleged’ paedophile), and developed very strong relationships at work through my work as a visionary and a leader (the former a little tongue in cheek).

I learned how to teach my kids how to read through David Rose’s exceptional Reading to Learn program and strengthened my own practice by embracing creativity and embedding more 21st Century Learning skills. I missed Renee, Donna and Jenny at work. They had been my creative stimuli during 2013. I continued my fetish with dresses and tattoos but failed to get a tattoo after my two in January. Definitely need to rectify this during 2015.

I do not know what 2015 will bring me but I have faith that I am on the path to where I am meant to go. I know that I want to include more religious practice, and hone my witch skills in healing and being autonomous and powerful, in my own right of course. I want to continue to love teaching and expand my skills further, helping to create a wonderful climate of learning, and raised expectations and standards at school. I want to clean out all of my baggage in my home and create a more open and minimal space (minus losing the books; I will never part with my books). I want to rid my body of its new found allergen and live a less convenient but infinitely more natural food life in 2015. I want to reconnect strongly with those I have drifted from and consolidate the bonds with those I truly love. I wish for my Max and Molly to stay healthy and happy (my pets) and I wish to resolve, one way or another, my journey to motherhood.

It will be another interesting year. I am sure it will have its own ups and downs. But I relish the opportunity to have breath so that I am able to take the first steps towards it tomorrow.

For those of you have who have read my blog, who have commented, who have supported me since June, I wish you the very best for 2015 and hope that majick weaves its way into your lives, making them incredible tributes to all that is good and beautiful in our world.

Much love and strong blessings from my household to yours …

Tina

PS. I hope you keep reading šŸ˜‰

 

The Ups and the Downs

I should be going into hospital on Wednesday for the Egg Retrieval. I feel positive.

My oestrogen levels are rising as they should if what is currently happening in my vagina is any indication (and it is; I googled). I am grateful for that because the bruising on my thighs and my stomach is somehowĀ worthwhile. Earlier today as I sat on the loo attending to business I was struck by the realisation that I am running out of room to inject; I will have to google injecting through soft tissue damage. I will do that shortly.

I selected the sperm donor last night after a frenetic call to my sister yesterday afternoon to see if I should follow everything the way I did last year (she said yes). Last year I didn’t purchase the advanced package that gives access to photos, audio files and letters; I vowed I would if I fell pregnant. Same will go this time. At this point I know that my first choice has German heritage, weighs 70kg, is 182.88cm tall, has hazel/green eyes (like me) and medium brown hair, studied Political Science, is self-employed, and possesses a high IQ (like that really matters when my intelligence is so phenomenal hehe). The excitement of past times in choosing the donor has completely gone. I haven’t even read through all of the donors like I usually would. This donor was on the first page and I experienced such a strong YES that I ticked his number straight away. I then found two similar donors and then I stopped. I might look some more later. But I am lazy and so it is unlikely.

Anyway, these days I really just want guaranteed sperm that willĀ turn into a baby. With all of our technology I do not understand why someone hasn’t invented it … maybe patriarchy has something to do with it lol. After all if we could invent infallible sperm there really may not be a reason to keep the male gender alive. Please forgive me, it’s the drugs I swear …

So the last week has been difficult. I felt surges of negativity when my body was slow to absorb the drugs and my follicles remained immature and just the uncertainty of it all took me over. It is such a lonely journey. People tend to not want to hear about the hard moments, either because they want positive energy only or because they are scared they won’t know what to say. This can be such a lonely journey at times. It’s hard to explain the tiredness, the negative thoughts, aspects of the experience; struggling with the notion that others might feel burdened or put upon.

I am not sure how women with partners find it, but I imagine even aspects of their journey must be lonely because no one else but them is experiencing the body responses. It is a hard path, not one that I recommend which is why I suggest all women at thirty who do not have children should freeze some of their eggs. Younger eggs are more likely to be healthy, to become embryos, to implant, to grow into a child. Fertility is not something any of us should take for granted.

Like I did.

I just always expected that if I decided I wanted to have kids, I would be able to. Failing has been a struggle for me; it is not something I like doing. I’m not sure that if I knew what I know now when I was younger I would have done anything differently, but I do wish that someone would have told me to look into getting my eggs frozen. We never have a guarantee that our life will follow the path we expect it to. Even now.

I feel that I will cope okay with another failure; I have survived that before.

I am terrified of success lol, as much as I crave it, I haven’t walked that path before. And I am old, stubborn, lazy. An old dog. Willing to learn a newĀ  trick. Praying I will be given the opportunity to do so.

So I am on rest at the moment. I have cancelled most of my social plans. I need to rest. Give my body the opportunity to nurture maturing follicles because one of them will be my baby.

I am struggling with the selfishness required. I feel guilty when I say no. Baggage that really does need to resolve itself. I am sure that it is connected to poor feelings of worth. But I do deserve a baby so I am willing to try the selfishness on. Even though I cringe when I say no or cancel a plan.

As the week progresses I am going to publish a how to guide for friends and family of someone who is going through IVF. My thoughts are all over the place now.