Self Perception

Two and a bit years ago, when I was in Varanasi, India, on a life changing retreat with Alana Fairchild and some incredible women, I realised that the label of shyness no longer applied to me.

I realised this because the women I connected with, informed me that I was basically full of it. I hadn’t realised that I had grown through my shyness; the label was limiting and false. That reality of shyness was no longer real. My perception was restricting my growth.

Letting go of that label, literally just letting go, has empowered me to own who I am and wear it with pride. I meet people now without fear and project myself wholly.

That has resulted in me flourishing. I am standing in my truth and holding myself with pride. I like who I am. I’m not perfect, but I’m perfect in every moment.

Sometimes, moving forward requires us to let go of the labels we use to identify ourselves.

I also let go of the school teacher label and my life has opened up. I have let go of the ugly and unattractive and fat labels. They no longer serve my higher purpose. I see myself as attractive, open and beautiful now (except bad hair months lol).

List the labels you identify as. Ask yourself: does this label serve me or restrict me? If it restricts you, let it go. Write it on a piece of paper and burn it into oblivion (over a kitchen sink with a working tap).

Similarly, if a label serves you, collect them all into one piece of paper, add other ‘labels’ you would like to be, and plant that piece of paper in the earth.

Let them grow. Let you grow. Empower yourself.

The Fear of Change

If you read this blog regularly, you know that this week I have opened new bank accounts. Scott Pape, the Barefoot Investor, suggests that you open online bank accounts without fees. He then suggests that you have your pay transferred directly into the Everyday account.

Logical. It ensures that the $1000 deposit per month happens with minimal fuss and effort.

Terrified me.

It is only during the last 24 hours that I have started to feel comfortable with letting go of a bank account I have held for over twenty years. An account that has seen every cent I’ve ever earned as a teacher go through it. The rigmarole of reorganizing my direct debits is a little overwhelming, but I’ll do it.

Slowly.

I’m giving myself time for the crossover between old and new.

This is a small change in my life, realistically.

However, the fear and discomfort of traversing new ground holds for all change. Large and small.

Change, letting go of what was, is not easy.

Vital for growth, but not easy.

And, sometimes, we find we are ready to change, but we need to have patience before we are in the best possible position to jump.

I’ve sat with leaving teaching for a few months. My heart and head, surprisingly, are ready. My finances are not. My business is strong, but I need to pay off some debts before I am able to jump. I could do it now, but the stress it would cause is not worth it. In the long term, patience will be rewarded with a stronger financial foundation and I won’t need to sacrifice as much as I would need to now.

This small process though, holds for bigger changes. Whenever we move from one state of being to another, it is hard. And there are moments afterwards, when we are in transition, letting go of the old and creating the new, where loneliness/fear/trepidation take over, and it doesn’t matter how horrible the old was, we long for the comfort of knowing.

Courage. Don’t go backwards. Breathe deeply through the transition. Hold onto your hopes and dreams.

This too, my friends, shall pass.

Letting Go: Failed IVF, the Investigation, Fear and Control

Hi. My name is Tina and I am a recovering control freak.

As a child, I felt so out of control so much of the time, that as an adult I have tried to control everything.

I figured that if I had control, life would be good and I would become blissfully happy. I have spent my entire adult life controlling or trying to control everything. I have never really just let go.

Until now.

Thank you, Uluru, for your sacred healing energy that infused a trust for the divine into my soul. I am still, still. There is a calm and a peace in my depths that tranquilises any fear or anxiety that may arise.

I am very zen.

And as a result, obstacles are dissolving.

I only know this because I know the other side, too intimately.

For the best part of five years I tried to control falling pregnant and having a baby. When I did fall pregnant, my fear of not having control expunged the foetus from my body.

This was an opportunity to learn a strong lesson, that I failed to learn. The lesson was that I needed to trust the higher powers, whatever and whoever they are. I needed to trust the flow of life and the contract I made with myself prior to my birth into this incarnation. I needed to trust, full stop.

I then didn’t trust my family and friends to be there for and with me, and I tried to control that too. And so, I was alone.

Fear is a great controller. Broken, from failing to control everything, fear seeped into the wounds and kept me bound. I couldn’t move forward, or even see behind me. There was just the moment, and not in a zen way.

Failing at pregnancy, I turned to fostering. Again, trying to control, I wasn’t enough; my reason for fostering wasn’t enough. I was confused and broken, belittled and worthless. Again.

All the while, I was being bullied at work, reliving aspects of my childhood I thought I had resolved years before. I was used by people whom I trusted. I was belittled and betrayed. I tried to fight back without conflict, with understanding and compassion I told myself, but really, my fighting was fear manifested. I tried to control from a very weak and inauthentic place, and that resulted in poor choices.

The fear resulted in a ten month long investigation. Ten months of fear and anxiety, and a strong, visceral reminder that I control nothing. Subconsciously this fed the I am worthless narrative I had been telling myself my whole life. My desire and need for control was really just me trying to feel like I was worth something and trying to prove that to everyone else.

“I’m pregnant, look everyone. I belong. I am normal. I am one of you.”

“I’m a head teacher, look everyone. I belong. I’m normal. I am one of you.”

“I’m a foster parent, look everyone. I belong. I’m normal. I’m one of you.”

Years ago, at a crossroads professionally, I went to a medium. She acknowledged my crossroads. She told me my two alternatives. Promotion at work, or book signings as a healer and teacher.

Fear, manifested as control, kept me bound, until the investigation and then India. Prior to the investigation, the universe had started to untie my bounds. I had paid my deposit for India. I had completed many natural healing courses. I had registered a business name and received an ABN.

Last year, paradoxically, I had my worst professional year and my best. I was amazing in the classroom; I was exemplary. I was an amazing mentor slash healer. I loved teaching and being with the kids. But, my life and my soul fell apart.

I was forced to relinquish control. I needed to find trust that I was being redirected. I was coming home.

But, in the midst of anxiety and fear, I couldn’t see this. Almost a year after the investigation concluded, I can see it. Clearly. And today, I can feel it. Freedom. Bliss. Purpose. Fulfillment.

I am a healer. I am a teacher. I am a writer. More than that, I am me. A recovering control freak, a survivor of childhood dysfunction, and a braver scaredy cat.

🙏🏻🦋