A War Within Yourself

I think one of the hardest parts in resolving trauma, in particular childhood trauma, is that it is a long process. A looooong process.

The journey for me, has spanned decades. I had to go through every uncomfortable thing I did to get to health, and I’m still getting there.

Through my twenties and thirties and early forties, I struggled to manage depression. I engaged suicidal thoughts too much and was a roller coaster of irrational emotions.

I endured an inner blood curdling scream for over twenty years. I never felt in control and I never felt worthy of good things. I sabotaged friendships and potential good relationships all of the time. I was almost happy being unhappy, but not.

My mid forties has been a reckoning for me. I’ve learned so much about myself, about the healing process, and about managing our pain.

Two things have to be present for healing to take place:

1. The desire to heal.

2. The right time.

You might scoff at both. You might say, No one wants to be unhappy.

You are wrong. It’s not that people want to be unhappy, but they have become safe in that place and pain has become their identity. Breaking through that requires a great deal of work.

I encounter people all of the time who say they want things to change, they want to heal, but they are stuck where they are and unwilling to take any steps away from the safety of where they are.

I get that. It sounds harsh of me, but it’s true. Sometimes, in our head, where we are and what we know feels safer than the unknown. Feels safer than risking it and failing.

The worst thing we can do though, is stagnate, not move, die where we are. You don’t want that.

And yes, the second we have little control over.

I have had opportunities my whole life to heal. Most I’ve taken, some I have not.

What I know for sure is that if we don’t listen to the whispers of intuition we get that we need to change something, our lives will eventually crash around us and force us to take action.

That’s what happened to me in 2016. I had been too scared, too stuck in the fear of life outside of teaching, that I had not left. As a result, investigation for almost a whole year.

Now, I’m grateful for every second of the torment and anxiety and life as it was.

The Phoenix rose.

Because of that, because of the psychological and emotional healing, I’m now ready to manage my weight effectively. The last frontier for my healing journey.

After this, it will become a journey of maintaining mental, emotional and physical health whilst I grow spiritually and intellectually.

I’m excited.

Healing takes a lot of work and a lot of time, but it’s worth it. Every tear, every breakdown, every second.

A Week Later 🤨

I have had a bit of a yucky week. Woke up on Monday with the beginnings of what became a massive migraine that stayed with me, in a variety of forms, until Friday night. It forced me to really stop – something I struggle to do these days – and so, for that At least, I’m grateful.

I realise I have overcommitted myself this year. Leaving teaching has left me with a small fear of not having enough money and so I have overcommitted myself to my tutoring business. Add to that an inability to say no, and I have some issues to work through lol.

I laugh, but probably shouldn’t be.

All of this is a manifestation of unresolved trauma.

I’ve worked through quite a few layers since leaving for the cruise just before Christmas. Triggers come. I do the work. I resolve that aspect. Cycle continues.

Somewhere in there though, I’ve become vulnerable, a little overwhelmed and a little fearful again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a strong and empowered woman. I am also a work in progress, and sometimes don’t feel quite as strong as I want to.

All of that comes from deserving and self-worth. When I become triggered, when I do the work, I focus on the intellectual and forget to focus on the little girl.

I am not her anymore. I know this. The little girl has evolved into a woman who knows her power and stands in it every day. This grown arse woman though, doesn’t necessarily feel her worth as deeply as she should. The little girl definitely didn’t feel her worth.

This is the long term impact of childhood trauma. Intellectually I know I’m fierce, and lovable, and deserving. Emotionally, maybe not so much.

How do I cross that divide and merge the two?

For me, awareness is a massive thing. Once I’m aware, I start making different choices. I can already feel a shift within me regarding this.

I need to nurture myself: eat better, bless my food, ritualize eating, wear clothes I love, wear beautiful underwear, stand in the grass, hug a tree, play with my pets, laugh, live with intent, connect with old friends, affirm myself, make my life about me, burn candles, declutter my spaces, breathe deeply, meditate to love my inner child and bring her to maturity. Just a few things I can do that work for me.

And, I need to start saying no. People won’t hate me, and if they do, that’s on them and I don’t need them.

Easy to say lol – we all want approval, especially when we are vulnerable. But, we need to approve of ourself first. That comes from affirming that our own needs are as important, more important, than the needs of others.

We can’t give wholeheartedly when we are empty.

I will learn and manifest this. It’s my next layer to peel back.

Have a beautiful and inspired day.

Oh My. Healing the trigger.

If you have read my last post, you were witness to a triggered reaction/break down from unwanted male attention. I had to stop writing and responding to comments, and move away to process what I was experiencing.

I felt shock at first, as I realised the extent of the violation because I connected it to my childhood sexual abuse. I have always known that my weight issues were connected to unresolved childhood trauma and the subconscious desire to protect myself. I have been wanting to resolve that – ask and you shall receive – as I roll my eyes at myself.

After the shock and the realisation I was breaking down mid post, I felt sick in my stomach and my shoulders tightened. This is where I usually carry stress. I walked through my house and fed my pets. Made the bed, opened the blinds and turned on my salt lamps.

Amidst that, I started to unravel purpose. I need to resolve more layers. I’m good with that. This is a healing opportunity, and a teaching and learning experience. That’s the purpose.

Then, to gratitude. Find the gratitude in the discomfort, Tina. What am I grateful for?

I am grateful that I am still healing, for I am human and I love learning. I am grateful for the immediate support I received, and for the love and solidarity that was so strong in their comments and messages. I am grateful that I have a voice that empowers and enables me, and hopefully others. I am grateful that I am strong and that I am resilient. I am grateful that as I write this, I can feel the cortisol that was coursing fast through my body, start to abate. I am grateful that I am taking deep breaths and that I know to do and how to do that. I am grateful that I know this is temporary. I am grateful for all of my past healing. I am grateful because this will not destroy me, not ever. I am grateful that I have grass to mow. I am grateful that I can apply all that I have learned, including self-care. I am grateful for my ability to help others. I am grateful for the intensity of the experience and for the ability to feel my body’s response so that I can empathize with others to become a better healer. I am grateful …

These are my first steps. I will take the time today to continue my work on me. I will give myself the space to do that. I will walk the talk.

I will cancel my commitments today. I will mow the lawn and water my plants. I will make a nutritious breakfast. I will focus on me. I will Demartini the experience and look at the benefits and drawbacks which I’ve already started to do.

The beauty of having done so much work is that I feel already that I’ve got this. This will work for me. I needed to do this. I will model what others can do.

Funny thing – I’ve been blocked bowel wise since this happened yesterday and I rarely get blocked. After this, my body let go. Something in that for all of us I think. Our bodies hold our trauma and our grief. That isn’t healthy.