A Valuable Lesson

I’m back to being self-absorbed (am I ever not 🤔). I cried a lot yesterday. I felt very sorry for myself in parts. Sorry for others in the other parts. I woke up this morning after a long sleep, feeling like I’d been hit by a bus and rolled over by a truck.

No surprises there. When I’m sad, I become self-destructive in the sense that I start to have very high expectations of those around me. So high, that no one can reach them or come close to fulfilling them. The soul sisters had messaged me. They were both awake, with time, and we could unpack the purpose of the shadow self.

I knew there were old behaviour and emotion patterns that needed to be broken, and were so presenting themselves AGAIN. They have reared their heads now because I am in transition and they will not serve me in my next phase. I needed to acknowledge them, wrestle with them, speak to them, and ultimately, love and release them.

Healing work takes time, and I’ve realised, with such busy lives, we don’t tend to make time for it. I used to a lot more than I do now. Ironically, running a healing business takes my time. I grin wryly and shake my head at the folly that is human.

I gave myself permission to not feel guilt when I cancelled my plans today. When the guilt rises, I let it know that it’s okay that today, we put our needs first. And it is okay, even though I feel like I’ve been doing it a hell of a lot, too much, in recent weeks. Then, I chat to my shame and I let it know that it’s okay, we are in transition and we are growing and that causes disruption.

It’s important to walk the talk. I preach at others to do what they need. When they present excuses, I am firm. It is more than okay that I make myself do what I tell others to do because I know it works. So, I have.

Off to Bunnings to grab a few final touches for my meditation space. I realised that just being near the plants released stick parts of myself, so on the way home, I explored roads I’ve never been down (I did think they lead somewhere different, but it didn’t matter that they didn’t go where I thought they would).

Words kept going through my head – you have to become lost to find yourself.

A constant mantra as, mesmerised, I stopped the car to be mindful of and to where I was. I expressed gratitude and kept going, stopping every fifty or so metres to acknowledge the different sights, sounds and feelings.

I was free. I was empowered. I was present.

After hitting the car’s undercarriage on a rock, I was forced to turn around and head back to a road I knew.

I live very close to a national park. It’s one of my soothing places. I don’t go there enough. I’m scared of being raped and murdered and no one finding the body because I’ve turned location settings off on my phone. I know. Welcome to my brain. Residue from childhood trauma.

Today, though, I turned right without hesitation and started the descent to the dried out lake beds.

I love water and I am devastated that there is no water in the lakes anymore (thank you, fracking). However, the bush is still there, and it soothes my soul almost as much as water does. Well, today it did that and more.

There were people eating lunch and I’m avoiding humans to the best of my ability, so I decided to walk down a walking track – just a little way.

Oh my. Forget your pain. Forget your self-obsession. Forget everything. Just be.

I started to feel inspired. Ideas for workshops started to crystallise. Directions became clear. My spirit strength gushed back through my veins and arteries, exploding my heart.

I only felt mildly concerned when some guys on trail bikes were at the head of the path and the other picnickers had gone. I don’t think males appreciate how vulnerable females can feel.

I started the journey home. I felt lighter.

And then, the purpose to the misery yesterday revealed itself. Funnily, I had to feel, really feel, something I believe and something I always say, to the extent it’s the byline for both of my businesses – empower yourself.

Healing is a solo journey. Healers hold space so that you are safe as you journey your healing path. But, ultimately, healing is a solo endeavour. And, it’s scary to do it alone.

I think it’s human nature to want someone else to hold you, to save you, to do the work. To be there, even just to listen and to hold your hand. I also think that that doesn’t really help you brave the healing wilderness and come out the other side, more whole than when you started.

This is MY life. I am responsible for it. I, and only I, am responsible for it. I make choices, as an adult, that dictate my days and my life. I need to walk the path alone so that I can be mindful of everything I experience along the way. Other people can offer their wisdom and their support, but ultimately, I need to do the work to attain my own wisdom.

Personal responsibility and empowering the self.

I know what makes me feel peaceful. It’s nature. When I’m out of balance, and I know when I am, I need to go into nature. But, so often, too often, I don’t. I put the needs of others and my ‘responsibilities’ first. I have dozens of excuses to not do what my soul cries for.

And I face the consequences for not listening.

I am worthy of giving to myself first. Just as you are. In fact, it’s my core responsibility. Without fulfilling it, I am less able to do the things I choose to do for others.

Healed. Lol. Thank you, kind old tree.

What Happens When We Let Go

I left teaching seven weeks ago. I haven’t looked back. I was past my ‘best before’ date and I knew it. I still have a hundred percent in the classroom, but I wasn’t as motivated outside of it. Probably because I was running a business outside of school hours and all day Saturday; there was no time.

I am now working seven days a week. I’m knackered lol. I’m blissfully happy too. I’m growing my business and creating new pathways for myself; I am living my dream. Did I mention, I’m exhausted. Lol.

The last couple of weeks has been bizarre.

I was first contacted by an ex-colleague who has offered me the opportunity to run a stress relief, mindfulness and meditation session for Year 7 students at her school. Yes, please, thank you. Humbled and initially terrified, I accepted. Of course I can do this 😳.

After saying YES, the universe realised I was willing to accept opportunities and was serious about not going back to teaching in a school.

I was then contacted by an ex-student from another lifetime altogether and asked if I was interested in running meditation/healing in his centre.

Yes, please.

From that meeting, a whole other new opportunity emerged to work with the Department of Housing, developing and implementing programs to support the empowerment of women. Oh my. It’s still sinking in. That was the end goal of my business; it’s come ten years early.

Yes, please.

And, then, realising that what they want is just who I am. No bells or whistles, just what I do every day being me.

What a gift. I am beyond grateful. It is amazing what transpires and manifests when you just let go …

Let go of everything that no longer serves you, of everything that does not bring you happiness and joy, of everything that no longer fits … and you create openings and space for everything that you do want, to come in.

It’s a process, but man, such a worthwhile one.

Battling On

Well, not really battling. I think it’s important to follow up Sunday’s post.

IVF really changed parts of me for a long time, as it is wont to do. I do not regret the journey and I am ultimately grateful for the outcome. Without all of that, I wouldn’t be here. And, here is pretty darn good.

Shedding the emotion on Sunday has empowered and enabled huge steps forwards. I have deleted unnecessary pages I was adminning on Facebook and found an admin for one of my groups that has over three and a half thousand members.

One of my inner circle is continually reminding me that I need to send clear messages to the universe regarding the life I want. Deleting pages and removing myself as admin is sending that energy out there as well as creating space for new things.

I think this is important. It is not enough to just want change. We acting very need to create the space for new things in our often cluttered lives and then we need to actively pursue the new things. Clear messages; clear direction; clear action.

I am also revamping my healing page and my writing page. I have created new promotional material for Akashi Healing. I feel empowered. Inspired. Happy. Peaceful.

Where do I start?

Five days in Katoomba to start my Diploma in Sound Healing with two of my soul sisters.

Wow.

I had been feeling that I was losing my way. I could feel that this life was not my best life. And, I had started to feel trapped and fearful. I was no longer standing in my truth.

I set the intention for the course to focus on healing my heath. I need my big arse belly to go.

The journey I took, after setting the intention, has been mind blowing. Mind blowing and multi-faceted.

My big arse belly, which I love deeply, is the result of living in the stress response my whole life – cortisol substituting blood – through my body. It is also the result of emotional eating because of trauma and the resulting belief that I am not worthy of deep love.

I am.

I am worthy of deep love. And I love my big arse belly because she is my inner child and because she has carried me to this point. Because I love her so much, I am going to liberate her. She will no longer be the prisoner of my emotions because I am worthy of deep love, and that starts with me loving myself deeply.

The full moon is here. A powerful full moon in Scorpio. Love and transformation.

I release self-loathing.

I release my beliefs that I am not worthy, that I am not good enough, that I am not deserving.

I release my fears about not having enough because I believed I was not good enough.

I release my inner girl, my big arse belly, and send her to fly freely.

I had forgotten the things that I was living last year. I had forgotten that I deserve abundance, freedom and deep spiritual divine love. I had forgotten that I was worthy of only the very best this life has to offer. I reset this intention here. I am worthy. I am love. I am peace. I am abundance.

I release my outdated beliefs and I reclaim my worthiness.

How did I come here …

We set our intentions and sealed them with sound.

We discovered our blocks through sound.

We transformed our blocks through sound.

We reformed ourselves through sound.

We reclaimed ourselves through sound.

And, we shared space with likeminded people, all at different points on the path, and worked with beautifully souled facilitators holding and nurturing the space, and found ourselves free to explore beneath the layers, peeling them back and discarding them one at a time. And, my soul sisters and I continued the healing and processing together every night at home.

Healing requires intention, safety, support, honesty, trust and a shitload of hard work. It requires owning your own healing whilst someone facilitates a safe space. Sound can be that space; the vibrations and the tones shifting and dissolving those redundant narratives we have held dear for too long.

I have learned so much in the last five days. I have made some small decisions regarding my way forward. And, I am finally ready to stay in my truth amidst the noise of every day life.

Om Shanti 🙏🏻

Deep Breaths

This time last year, I was excited by the potential of a new life. I was also absolutely terrified. That I wouldn’t have enough money. That I would fail. That I would be a hot mess for the entire year. That nothing would change. That I wouldn’t have enough money. That I wouldn’t have enough money. That I wouldn’t have enough –

You get the idea. More than all of that though, I was terrified I wouldn’t see it through. That everything would become too hard and I would just go back to what I knew. For the fourth time in my life, I had to jump, because if I didn’t, I knew I would be starving my life and my soul of something it needed, to breathe.

I think we know when we are hitting that point. We feel lost, stagnant, as if we are dying whilst we stand. We either become depressed or we change something. I had to change something.

So, I did.

From the outside, I guess it looks like I up and left my life. Big step. Lots of courage required. But, the truth is, I just put a pause on the life I lived. I created space to see what else my life could be. By doing this, I opened my life up, took the things I loved doing, and the space was there to do them.

I said yes to every opportunity, even if the opportunity was scary. I paused life as it was, and with it, I paused fear. As I’ve often said, twenty seconds of courage – acknowledge the fear, and then remind it that it isn’t driving the car (thanks, Liz Gilbert The Big Magic).

I have expanded. My life has expanded. I am happy.

At some point during the year, I let go of the fear of not enough money and really started to trust that I will always have enough. I am now working on becoming a multimillionaire within ten years, but that’s another story for another day. Especially as I face a January without income (or very little income because I will only receive what I generate for myself – and I’m cool with that. I think my bills are covered).

I have had many highlights this year. Many. I have been humbled beyond belief by the love that has opened within my life. I have been humbled by the growth of my business. I have been humbled by the sheer number of beautiful people and beautiful experiences I have encountered this year. I am in love with my life again. I am learning to see myself through the eyes of others, and loving who I am.

We create our lives. We create who we are. We create the potential and we create the lack of potential. We are in charge.

It might not be easy, but it’s easier than continuing to live a life that you don’t enjoy, and that is slowly killing your spirit and your happiness.

I am very poor. I am very happy. I needed to come to this point to embrace the riches I have, outside of money, so that the next chapters in my life generate both equally. Having money in a life not loved makes us rabid consumers and breaks our connection to who we authentically are. I am now living a life I love, it fuels trust that I will always be provided for, and generates the desire to earn more to enable the sharing of wealth with others.

It’s been an interesting year. The moment that best encapsulates it for me occurred very early on, during February, in Western Australia, when Mel taught me to snorkel.

Oh my. I still feel the fear, then the conquering of the fear as the cool water streamed past my face, stroking my cheeks, as my eyes opened to a whole other world under the surface of the water. It’s beauty caught my breath then, and holds it still.

What a wonderful life. What a wonderful world.

What will you do to create your best life?

The Secrets to a Happy Life 

1. Don’t ignore the hard work. If you are sad, work out why. Talk to people about it. Write about it. Paint it. Do something with it. Get it out.

2. Put your needs first when you need to. Do not feel guilty about this. You can’t serve others if you are depleted. You are important too. 

3. Serve. Give back. Be compassionate. Give. 

4. Practice gratitude. Find the small things in every day that give you something. Memorialise these things somehow, somewhere. Be open. 

5. Embrace opportunities. Say yes, even if you want to say no. Try new things. Learn new things. Don’t be stagnant. Go to different places. Explore. Try. Yes. 

6. Get out into the natural world as often as you can. Be still. Close your eyes. Feel the sun or the wind or the rain. Be quiet. Just be. Deep breaths. Feel the spirit coursing through everything, including you. Walk barefoot. Hug a tree. Have your hands out, palms facing. 

Timely Reminders

One of my favourite authors is Paulo Coelho. Amongst many other novels, he wrote The Alchemist. I have read it a lot of times, each time highlighting and bookmarking different sections. Brene Brown has become my favourite social scientist (nah, I know no others that instantly spring to mind lol). I am now reading her new book, Rising Strong. 

Brene cited Paulo in the section I read yesterday: 

When you’re on your path, the universe will conspire to help you.

We can apply this to life. If something is happening that is meant to happen, it won’t be necessarily easy, but we will find ways to resolve and clear the obstacles. It may seem easy at times. 

Some things in my life happen quite easily. Teaching for one. However, changing schools not easy at all. And I do know and do believe that that is because I am in the school that I am meant to be working in for me, the kids, the staff, and the broader community. My Masters in Arts happened quite easily. Because I am meant to fulfill my dream of writing (as I am). Vegetarianism comes easily to me; 23 years and going strong. Holidays and travel happen quite easily for me. Working hard comes easily to me, and gives my life and existence purpose.

And I am mostly happy. Happier than most. In my own power more often than not. Feeling fulfilled the vast majority of the time. I love easily and am loved mostly easily. Blessed and living in gratitude all of the time. 

There are worse things to be. 

And so, applying Paulo’s doctrine, letting go of what I do not have becomes easier. It isn’t a cop out. I still have to deal with the grief, like all of us. I still have to work hard to achieve the other things that I am passionate about. The work does not lessen. But my happiness and fulfilment increases. 

I am exactly where I am meant to be. 

And so today, I pose you the question, are you where you are meant to be doing what you are most fulfilled doing.

If so, brilliant! If not, how do we get there? 

❤️

The Village

I had an epiphany this morning as I drove in to work on a Saturday morning (thank you Lyndell for your commitment to your Drama students lol). 

I feel a sense of joy driving to and from work these days. A real soul joy. Often I find myself smiling once I hit a certain part of the road. Just happy to be. 

There is a one lane bridge along my journey. This morning, waiting for an oncoming car to move off the bridge, I had a flashback to twenty five years ago, living in Eglinton just out of Bathurst, and a one lane bridge. 

And I remembered happiness. Peace. Growth. Fulfilment. Contentment. 

Just like now. 

Waking up on Saturday mornings now to Tai Chi in the park next door or across the road in the Bus Bay, just as relaxing to watch as to do. The opportunity of meditation around the corner on Friday nights. Talking to shopkeepers like we are old friends. Taking the time. Village life: no rush, no enemies, no drama. 

This is the life for me. 

Transformed.

Something profound happened for me yesterday. I am not sure that there are any words in existence that will do the experience justice, but I will try.

My friend Jenny, her daughter Casey, and I were in Berry about two and a half weeks ago. Berry is about an hour and a half’s drive from where we live. It is a cute little village with some powerful natural energy, and has my favourite shops in the world there: Shambhala and I have no idea what the other one is called.

We went in to Shambhala and I was drawn to a deck of cards: Kuan Yin by Alana Fairchild. A light green cover and I couldn’t tell you what else was on the front. I was really drawn to them but where I would usually just listen, the nagging financial advisor in my head told me to not be so silly because I was saving for a deposit for a home. Meh. I listened and didn’t buy the cards.

We had lunch. We laughed. We talked. We ate. We drank.

We then walked around the main street and came to my next favourite shop, more upper market than Shambhala and you can actually walk freely through (Shambhala is very overfilled – but that is its charm). On a display in the window and as soon as you walk in, deck after deck of the same cards. They drew me in at the window, they embraced me at the display. Jenny said, “Just buy them. You can’t not nourish yourself; attract the abundance by believing there is enough.”

That was all I needed to hear. I bought them.

We were at the counter and there was a promotional flyer for an Alana Fairchild Temple of Isis workshop on Saturday 2nd May in Berry. There was a discount offer on the purchase of admission if you bought two Alana Fairchild products; we thought the price was reasonable on its own. We took the flyer, contemplating its potential and left.

We stood outside, further contemplating.

We turned around and went back inside, and asked for more information, and signed up.

We would make it work.

Then life happened. No guarantor for a home loan, moving in to Lauren and Margo’s new home in Thirlmere (another cute village – no comment on the energy yet; thank God for those two though or homelessness would have been a reality in thought for a few weeks adding stress), organising the inspections of my current home, report season at work, and executions in Indonesia, earthquakes in Nepal, storms here …

So yesterday was welcome.

I am painfully shy. Many do not believe this of me, but I truly am. I am not a fan of humanity and I look weird. I am always that little bit fearful of judgement, and I dislike the cliche questions I usually receive. So these things, with lots of other people, who look normal, terrify me a little. Obviously, I too judge others by appearance and the seemingly conservative women walking through the doors yesterday at the Uniting Church Hall in Berry did nothing to assuage my fears. Nervously, we walked in.

And then Tina happened.

The lady organising the workshop, Patsy, looked at us, and I thought she wanted to know who we were, and so in my best, socially awkward presence, I announced, loud and proud, “I am Tina Meyer from Campbelltown.”

And she laughed. Grabbed me and hugged, “Hello Tina Meyer from Campbelltown!” Or did I imagine this part?

Oh brother, at any rate, mortified doesn’t even come close to how I felt.

Soldiered on. Always hard to know where to sit in situations like this. Inservices are the same. It’s like your seating choice can destroy or make the event. Needless to say, by the end we weren’t sitting where we sat at the start. And we weren’t the same as we were at the start, so that’s appropriate.

And now my words start to fail me.

Hmmm …

You don’t know this but the preceding ellipsis really did just indicate time passing with nothing being written. Part of me is thinking that I want to be selfish and hold on to yesterday for just a bit longer. Immortalising it is what words will do. And therein lies my dilemma, what if the words I  use do not capture the essence of it, the reality of it, the perfection of it.

Meh. Here goes …

It opened with a beautiful Singing Bowls rendition by a woman studying called Elizabeth. Absolutely beautiful. That alone transported me into the right mindset of acceptance and trust.

Then there was a lot of explanation. About what we would physicaly be doing. The tasks in the morning session would be vastly different to the afternoon session. We would feel confronted. Alana talked about Isis and Sekhmet, Bast, Horus. The energies in the room shifted further. We moved all of the chairs (set up in a semi circle, forty five or so people facing the front; this had been the antithesis of the sitting in a circle Kum By Ya moments Jen and I had been expecting) excitedly and nervously.

Initiation has the aroma of the deep occult about it. It sets fear into the heart and mind. The power of the connotation of words. We both knew we were meant to be in Berry yesterday. So we were willing to look past this occult notion of initiation.

Realistically, all initiation is, is movement into something new, something different. A ritual formalises the movements of initiation that we all make every day upon waking. The practice of initiation sets the energy.

I cannot tell you the words that Alana used. They are in my mind but I have no access to them. Whatever she asked, probably along the lines of me accepting the initiation, my answer was a resounding yes. She marked my third eye with  organic ash. I sat and began to meditate. After everyone said yes, she came and tied white ribbon around our right wrists and said something to us about light. And we continued to meditate. Specifically upon the things that we wanted to let go of. For me, my weight is the connection I most feel ties me to my past experiences, and I want to move forward from that. I started by meditating upon letting go of bad foods. Then I realised that what connected me to food was fear.

Fear is powerful. It stops us from being who we truly are, from stepping forward with confidence, from really living our lives. In the moment I knew, within my core, that what I really needed to let go of, was fear. Fear has held me back because it has not permitted me to believe that I am worthy of all that I am worthy of. It has stopped me from accepting abundance in to my life, abundance that we all richly deserve. And whilst that hasn’t paralysed my life (because I am very very stubborn), it has not permitted me to accept all that is truly mine.

And so I meditated on letting fear go.

I made the decision to stop saying no because of fear.

To embody the practice will take time. But my first steps forward came at lunch.

I felt the ritual to be very powerful. We were given an hour for lunch. I needed to buy a crystal for one of my students ( she is an empath and struggles with the energies at school – the crystal I bought her I have used, successfully for the most part, myself – Wednesday being the exception – anger at the execution in Indonesia). I had a forehead smeared with ash. I walked proudly. Oblivious completely to the stares (Jen told me that I was oblivious; usually I am not).

When we arrived back at the hall we were told to move the chairs back temporarily to sit. Jen and I ended up next to Elizabeth. Incredible soul. Ignored other people waiting to talk to her to continue talking to us. Beautiful rich creative ideas about the potential of my move. Can’t express it in words, so …

My second test came after lunch. Moving meditation. Never heard of it. And yep, I am a qualified meditation teacher. Good work Tina!

Dancing in a room full of people (I just typed power instead of people – that is what happened but interesting that in my brain I have already substituted what it was instead of my limiting thoughts about it) without alcohol is not something I do. EVER.

We were given the option of sitting down or lying down, of not moving. My heart soared and then my mind gave my heart a string and swift kick. I remained standing. Sekhmet and Bast featured in this meditation. The two faces providing balance. I closed my eyes and danced. I did not permit fear to change my behaviour.

I loved it.

LOVED IT.

Something I had only ever done at home by myself generated power in a group.

Amazing.

And then an intense lying down meditation followed.

And then we debriefed.

I couldn’t speak. I felt zen.

I have thought I have felt zen before in my life, but never this deeply or profoundly.

Something in me has shifted.

I feel complete acceptance.

Complete faith.

Complete trust.

I am where I am meant to be.

I am doing what I am meant to be doing.

I am who I am meant to be.

Absolutely.