My Next Charge

As a woman who has never birthed her own children, I have been truly blessed by the generosity of so many friends in their willingness to let me love their kids. Tonight I attended the birthday party of three of them.

These girls, and their sisters, have always just treated me like I was valuable to them. They are three of quite a few. So, whilst I have never been a birth mother, I have been blessed to be welcomed into their lives.

I have also been adopted and have adopted an incredible person who I have written about before. Honours me as her mother even though I never feel quite deserving enough; she loves me anyway.

Under the Tuscan Sun has a scene in it where the protagonist realised that everything she had desired for her life in the villa came to pass, but not always in the way that she had expected or hoped.

I think it is the same for me as a mother. I am a mother. Just not in a traditional way (shock horror) and that is more than okay. I am so proud of all of my surrogate kids, past and present, and am grateful that this has been and continues to be, my path.

Well, this post didn’t go quite where I wanted it to. My heading is so not what this is now about.

Tonight I also realised what my next emotionally charged issue to work through is. I had a close friend die a few years ago. I still think of her every day and talk to her often. I caught up with her husband tonight. I just wanted to cry.

I had disappeared from their lives leading up to her death. I do this. When my life overwhelms me, I tend to force myself into time out to process and assimilate whatever it is that is going on. At this particular time, I was in my IVF journey and just didn’t know how to communicate so didn’t.

You never expect that one of the people closest to you might not be there. It just doesn’t factor in to your thinking. I’m a great person and give a lot, but I’m not perfect. When I saw Nat again, she was in hospital, and we were waiting for her to pass.

I was blessed to have been included in this process and to have been given the opportunity to sit with her on my own to say goodbye. Definitely one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. And the tears pool, blurring the words on the screen, and fall. And one of the most beautiful opportunities I have ever received.

I sat with her and told her how important she was to me, and I apologised for disappearing, and I just held her hand. I promised her that I would not waste my life. In honour of her I would live my best life.

Several hours later, at home, I felt her passing before I received the text to tell me that she had passed. I sobbed quickly and then pulled myself together to contact the people I needed to contact. I think I stayed in that mode for days and weeks after. The funeral is there in my mind but only as impressions. I remember nothing of my delivery of my words for her, except seeing her husband and kids in front of me.

We do tend to forget or look over the faults in people that have passed; their lives take on an inflated status.

I lost my friend. Paradoxically, I gained my life.

Dissolving Charges

I am in the process of learning a new method (for me) for balancing emotions, and empowering the mind, body and spirit to return to balance. Interestingly, ironically, or whatever it is, I was practising the method with Margo (frustratingly for her I’m sure) in the car before we met Harry.

Interestingly etc, because I then applied the method, as I currently understand it, to Harry’s death and the grief I felt. I’m going to try to explain it here. It’s a valuable one if you are over the drama of life and just want peace. It’s a method devised by John DeMartini from years of study and research. I have gained this basic, yet very powerful, understanding from Peter Bliss and Mai Mai Lin. I will be doing more work in this area.

The basic premise is that we are human. We will feel intense emotions. That’s okay. However, so many of us hold onto those emotions so tightly that we move away from homeostasis (balance). Those emotions, and our refusal or inability to dissolve the charge (neutralize them), creates unnecessary drama and unhelpful patterns in our lives.

I’m going to use Harry as a basic example. Anyone who knows me, pretty much knows that I have a very idealistic view of animals; it is irrational in this scientific and logical world, but it is who I choose to be with no desire to change it. As a result, holding Harry (naming a wild thing only proves my initial point lol – remember, Holly Golightly refused to name Cat because of the inevitable attachment that would form) inspired a deep soul connection for me.

Upon receiving the news that he was not going to make it (euphemism after euphemism here – the power of language), I felt grief struck. I cried and carried it with me for a couple of hours whilst my brain processed the events. Then, I tried to dissolve the grief.

I focused on the gratitude for the experience and what I had learned. When people or creatures die, we idealize them a little, focusing on the good and ignoring their very real flaws. I did the same with Harry; he was a wild creature we were going to save.

But, Harry was also a silly hawk. Harry flew near a 4WD on a major highway when he had miles and miles of other land to fly in. Harry also died a humane and dignified death, receiving reiki for his pain and not being pecked at by crows on the side of the road (like too many others). I learned from my connection to this wild thing and I humbly received the message from the universe that his entry into my life signified.

As a result, I have let Harry go in love. I have dissolved the charge of the grief, neutralized it. It does not lessen the impact of his life nor does it mean I didn’t care. Simply put, I don’t feel guilt or loss, I feel calm and balanced. The grief is not internalized, but neutralised.

It is very empowering.

Like I said, this is a simple example of my understanding of the method. And, I can’t wait to learn more.