A Valuable Lesson

I’m back to being self-absorbed (am I ever not 🤔). I cried a lot yesterday. I felt very sorry for myself in parts. Sorry for others in the other parts. I woke up this morning after a long sleep, feeling like I’d been hit by a bus and rolled over by a truck.

No surprises there. When I’m sad, I become self-destructive in the sense that I start to have very high expectations of those around me. So high, that no one can reach them or come close to fulfilling them. The soul sisters had messaged me. They were both awake, with time, and we could unpack the purpose of the shadow self.

I knew there were old behaviour and emotion patterns that needed to be broken, and were so presenting themselves AGAIN. They have reared their heads now because I am in transition and they will not serve me in my next phase. I needed to acknowledge them, wrestle with them, speak to them, and ultimately, love and release them.

Healing work takes time, and I’ve realised, with such busy lives, we don’t tend to make time for it. I used to a lot more than I do now. Ironically, running a healing business takes my time. I grin wryly and shake my head at the folly that is human.

I gave myself permission to not feel guilt when I cancelled my plans today. When the guilt rises, I let it know that it’s okay that today, we put our needs first. And it is okay, even though I feel like I’ve been doing it a hell of a lot, too much, in recent weeks. Then, I chat to my shame and I let it know that it’s okay, we are in transition and we are growing and that causes disruption.

It’s important to walk the talk. I preach at others to do what they need. When they present excuses, I am firm. It is more than okay that I make myself do what I tell others to do because I know it works. So, I have.

Off to Bunnings to grab a few final touches for my meditation space. I realised that just being near the plants released stick parts of myself, so on the way home, I explored roads I’ve never been down (I did think they lead somewhere different, but it didn’t matter that they didn’t go where I thought they would).

Words kept going through my head – you have to become lost to find yourself.

A constant mantra as, mesmerised, I stopped the car to be mindful of and to where I was. I expressed gratitude and kept going, stopping every fifty or so metres to acknowledge the different sights, sounds and feelings.

I was free. I was empowered. I was present.

After hitting the car’s undercarriage on a rock, I was forced to turn around and head back to a road I knew.

I live very close to a national park. It’s one of my soothing places. I don’t go there enough. I’m scared of being raped and murdered and no one finding the body because I’ve turned location settings off on my phone. I know. Welcome to my brain. Residue from childhood trauma.

Today, though, I turned right without hesitation and started the descent to the dried out lake beds.

I love water and I am devastated that there is no water in the lakes anymore (thank you, fracking). However, the bush is still there, and it soothes my soul almost as much as water does. Well, today it did that and more.

There were people eating lunch and I’m avoiding humans to the best of my ability, so I decided to walk down a walking track – just a little way.

Oh my. Forget your pain. Forget your self-obsession. Forget everything. Just be.

I started to feel inspired. Ideas for workshops started to crystallise. Directions became clear. My spirit strength gushed back through my veins and arteries, exploding my heart.

I only felt mildly concerned when some guys on trail bikes were at the head of the path and the other picnickers had gone. I don’t think males appreciate how vulnerable females can feel.

I started the journey home. I felt lighter.

And then, the purpose to the misery yesterday revealed itself. Funnily, I had to feel, really feel, something I believe and something I always say, to the extent it’s the byline for both of my businesses – empower yourself.

Healing is a solo journey. Healers hold space so that you are safe as you journey your healing path. But, ultimately, healing is a solo endeavour. And, it’s scary to do it alone.

I think it’s human nature to want someone else to hold you, to save you, to do the work. To be there, even just to listen and to hold your hand. I also think that that doesn’t really help you brave the healing wilderness and come out the other side, more whole than when you started.

This is MY life. I am responsible for it. I, and only I, am responsible for it. I make choices, as an adult, that dictate my days and my life. I need to walk the path alone so that I can be mindful of everything I experience along the way. Other people can offer their wisdom and their support, but ultimately, I need to do the work to attain my own wisdom.

Personal responsibility and empowering the self.

I know what makes me feel peaceful. It’s nature. When I’m out of balance, and I know when I am, I need to go into nature. But, so often, too often, I don’t. I put the needs of others and my ‘responsibilities’ first. I have dozens of excuses to not do what my soul cries for.

And I face the consequences for not listening.

I am worthy of giving to myself first. Just as you are. In fact, it’s my core responsibility. Without fulfilling it, I am less able to do the things I choose to do for others.

Healed. Lol. Thank you, kind old tree.

If You Build It

Tonight is the first night of my Moving Beyond Childhood Trauma workshop. I am excited and terrified all in one.

Running workshops always terrifies me. The impact of my own trauma becomes very obvious to me: the fear that I’m not good enough and have nothing to offer of use.

Obviously, this is garbage, but it is the narrative I’ve told myself my whole life. I’m not good enough. I think that’s why I stayed in teaching for so long – the system kept me very small and I enabled that because it fed my narrative – I’m just not good enough.

So, I have to walk the talk. I have to tell the fear to sit in the back seat whilst I drive the car. It can come, but it can not speak. Thank you, Liz Gilbert. I pay this metaphor forward and it changes lives.

Fear is normal. Minimizing yourself as a result of it is something you can control. To live our best lives, we need to learn to harness it. Acknowledge its existence, but do not give it power.

I scaffolded the program weeks ago. As you do. Something had been holding me back from fully committing to that scaffold. Yesterday, just before heading to work, tonight flashed into my brain.

The last week, first.

Always have the goal in mind. What do I want my life to look like? Who do I want to be?

Then, we will deal with the trauma.

I’m hoping the participants find the courage within themselves to attend; I have such a good feeling about the group.

Another impact of my own trauma is that I used to struggle with stepping outside of my comfort zone. Twenty seconds of courage to click yes and to knock on a door changed that. I now go when and where I am called.

Changing my trauma narrative comes one word at a time, one impact at a time, one change at a time. With lots of self-love practiced.

Trauma doesn’t have to define our lives. It is our choice.

The Universe Does Conspire 🙏🏻

Beautiful moments. I left teaching with a little bit of a plan. I wanted to grow my businesses so that I could live comfortably and easily and happily without my teaching income. I wanted to thrive, but I needed to take my foot off the bridge.

Doing that, jumping from everything you know into a world you don’t know, is terrifying. But, when you really think about it, you can always return to something you do know. I am so happy I found the courage to jump, to try a new path.

Six weeks on, I don’t miss school teaching. I miss some of the staff and I miss the kids, but I don’t miss the internal politics of institutions, the games, the small mindedness, and the competition.

For me, I realise how much I allowed the institution to keep me small. It’s interesting that as my sense of self-worth improved, my ability to fit the institution’s model diminished. This is for me; I am not applying that epiphany to anyone else’s journey.

My businesses are growing. My tutoring business is at capacity – stretched beyond really – and the healing business is morphing slowly. I’m okay with that.

More importantly, I love waking up every day, excited for what the day might bring. I love working again, and I never feel a sense of dread. I am still surrounded by love and am still developing deep rapport with people I meet. And, I’m beginning to be able to celebrate who I am as a person.

I’m fierce. So capable. And, just so very blessed to be living and creating this life.

I put to the universe that I was ready to fulfil my mission here, and slowly I’m receiving opportunities to run healing/meditation groups and sessions for kids. I always think to myself initially that I’m not good enough and then I shake that off, and say, Yes, I can and I am more than good enough.

My warrior spirit kicks in and I acknowledge the residual pangs of self-doubt and then I jump in. It’s becoming easier to say yes and it’s becoming easier to stand in my truth all of the time. There are no games here. No politics. No staying small.

Jumping ship, starting something new, breathing deeply and living in the present moment, is an amazing journey. I’m so grateful for absolutely everything in my life to this point, for without all of it, I wouldn’t be standing here.

Seven Weeks. Fourteen Days.

I am grateful that my windscreen was smashed. We have not found out who was responsible for it. But, I feel no anger, just gratitude. I hope that the child responsible finds the support they need to be able to fill the hole within them that lead them to the point where they believed their actions were appropriate and necessary.

Regardless, I am grateful.

Education no longer serves my highest self. This is no judgement on or against anyone else; these are just my thoughts and my perceptions. If you are a happy teacher, power to you. I no longer am.

I love children. I love working with them to empower them to fulfil their dreams. I love those light bulb moments when they get it. I love the jokes, the loving teasing, the rapport that is built through symbiotic trust. I love inspiring them to see the world and their place in it, in new ways. I am still a passionate and idealistic teacher. I always will be.

However, I do not respect or like the machine that education has become. I do not like the lack of humanity embodied in the broader leadership, and I cannot fathom or respect machinations that regard teachers and students as robots and tick a boxes.

I do not have the passion to fight it. There are too many who just follow it. My type of teacher is in the vast minority. I don’t see enough commitment to want to change; people don’t stand up and fight for anything anymore.

I will stand up and fight for me by being true to me, and putting me first. After all, no one else will. It is not anyone else’s responsibility; it is mine, and mine alone.

So, I have fourteen working days left until I hand in my keys. Keys that I will have held for very close to twenty years.

I have no intention of ever going back. I thought, when this time came, I would feel more heartbroken. Maybe the grief will come; maybe it won’t. At the moment, I feel like I’m finally answering a call to let go of fear and to start living. I feel liberated.

I have been sick this week, my body has been purging stress toxins, I’m sure. I have not been at school since the incident. I feel liberated. In the past, when I’ve been sick and had to take a couple of days, I’ve felt sooooo guilty that I was letting other people down. This time, I was able to prioritise my health and acknowledge my own worth. Illness requires rest. No one is let down; it just is what it is.

I feel happy. I have felt exhausted this week, every afternoon, as I’ve headed out to work with my clients. But my energy thrived as I arrived to the first door step each day and sustained itself until I arrived home. I feel very present when I work with my kids. I feel a happy heart and fulfilled soul; feelings, that in teaching, have been eclipsed by ever increasing administration demands and the systemic disregard for the welfare of teachers.

I know I’m a teacher. I always will be. But, at the end of the day, I am worth more and am more valuable than the system/broken machine of education decrees, and so, like all abusive relationships, I will move away from it so that my soul can thrive. I will not allow myself to be made small again in my life. This lesson is learned ( fingers crossed lol).

This time, I am breaking the abuse cycle that has ruled my life. This time, I empower me. This time, I am truly free.

Where do I start?

Five days in Katoomba to start my Diploma in Sound Healing with two of my soul sisters.

Wow.

I had been feeling that I was losing my way. I could feel that this life was not my best life. And, I had started to feel trapped and fearful. I was no longer standing in my truth.

I set the intention for the course to focus on healing my heath. I need my big arse belly to go.

The journey I took, after setting the intention, has been mind blowing. Mind blowing and multi-faceted.

My big arse belly, which I love deeply, is the result of living in the stress response my whole life – cortisol substituting blood – through my body. It is also the result of emotional eating because of trauma and the resulting belief that I am not worthy of deep love.

I am.

I am worthy of deep love. And I love my big arse belly because she is my inner child and because she has carried me to this point. Because I love her so much, I am going to liberate her. She will no longer be the prisoner of my emotions because I am worthy of deep love, and that starts with me loving myself deeply.

The full moon is here. A powerful full moon in Scorpio. Love and transformation.

I release self-loathing.

I release my beliefs that I am not worthy, that I am not good enough, that I am not deserving.

I release my fears about not having enough because I believed I was not good enough.

I release my inner girl, my big arse belly, and send her to fly freely.

I had forgotten the things that I was living last year. I had forgotten that I deserve abundance, freedom and deep spiritual divine love. I had forgotten that I was worthy of only the very best this life has to offer. I reset this intention here. I am worthy. I am love. I am peace. I am abundance.

I release my outdated beliefs and I reclaim my worthiness.

How did I come here …

We set our intentions and sealed them with sound.

We discovered our blocks through sound.

We transformed our blocks through sound.

We reformed ourselves through sound.

We reclaimed ourselves through sound.

And, we shared space with likeminded people, all at different points on the path, and worked with beautifully souled facilitators holding and nurturing the space, and found ourselves free to explore beneath the layers, peeling them back and discarding them one at a time. And, my soul sisters and I continued the healing and processing together every night at home.

Healing requires intention, safety, support, honesty, trust and a shitload of hard work. It requires owning your own healing whilst someone facilitates a safe space. Sound can be that space; the vibrations and the tones shifting and dissolving those redundant narratives we have held dear for too long.

I have learned so much in the last five days. I have made some small decisions regarding my way forward. And, I am finally ready to stay in my truth amidst the noise of every day life.

Om Shanti 🙏🏻

Just a quickie 

As anyone who reads regularly knows, I am in massive transition this year, moving away from the life that was and into the life that will be. And obviously, there will be some minor obstacles, hiccoughs, and the like. Change is rarely simple or easy. 

What I have had an epiphany about this morning whilst responding to a friend (truth be told, something I probably needed to say to myself more than to her), was that the obstacles and ensuing sadness, have only really come in moments when I have struggled to let go of my old life. By this, I mean when I am feeling resentful because I feel snubbed by my old school, or when people I thought would stay in contact haven’t, or when I am fearful I won’t have enough money so kill myself working long hours. 

When I resist the changes, I feel the friction and this causes moments of unhappiness. 

If I flow and trust and embrace what is happening in the present, and trust, because I know that I will be okay, more than okay, in the future, life should become easier. 

I know this yet still need reminders. Shaking my head but I guess I am only human so should cut myself some slack. 

I Deserve …

Harping on the same theme here. It is a significant one in my life. Its impact runs deep. Amazing for so few letters to have blocked my ability to be fully and wholly who I am: my best self. 

Deserving, throughout my life, and my belief that I don’t deserve the very best, has blocked so much of what I have desired to achieve. When you have been told your entire life that you are not good enough, it becomes difficult to believe that you are. It becomes difficult to own your strengths and successes, and to accept compliments without qualification or diminishing the intent. 

The night before last one of the girls called me on this. I started working on accepting with grace. More positive statements rolled in, one after the other, from unexpected sources. 

I was just being me. And so many powerful women are affirming who I am. And because I trust them, I have to believe them. And that started a wave of confusion. 

For forty five years those other narratives have held my atttention. I have believed that I am not good enough and as a result, I do not deserve the things that I desire, that other people have. 

Here, in India, I am writing a new narrative. These powerful women are consolidating the words that my closest friends and family have been trying to give me for years. Me starting to spiritually believe it all is hard work; letting go of the impact of the past hurts and recoding my brain is hard work. 

And do, it isn’t going to be easy. Maybe, wasn’t is a more appropriate word. I can feel yesterday’s blah shifting. And I trust the calling here so must be open to the lessons. But nothing is ever straightforward. 

I had an incident of ego with one of the girls last night. It is currently 4.27am and I awoke an hour ago, at peace until I remembered. So much soul work is processing and I know that yesterday was a hard day doing just that. And I was given opportunities where I could accept the old narratives or push against them. 

It was my choice. 

The incident of ego involved a disagreement over who used a word first. Yes, I know. Ridiculous. I was chastised in front of the group and then ignored. And it resulted in me coming up to bed and not dancing on the hotel roof with the others. And I needed to learn from this. 

It didn’t sit right. And the words I don’t deserve this kept slapping me in the face. And I believed those words. But in ego hurt and a bit of shock, I succumbed to tears and the old pattern of removing myself so as not to cause discomfort for others. 

What I realise this morning is that I had to have my lesson reinforced. I needed to be in a situation similar to one from my real world, to be able to mull over a new response. 

This is the last time that I will become small because someone doesn’t like something I have said or done.

My entire life I have been given opportunities to rise above my circumstances. However, I have always allowed myself to be kept small. I have always deferred to the I am not good enough and I am not deserving narratives. 

But I am deserving. Logically, I have always known that. Spiritually, not believed it. Until now. 

I came here to India, very open, very much wanting to heal. Yesterday was a tough day. The energy here and within the group is so powerful. I am grateful for the opportunity and grateful that my core defeater has been challenged here. Long term defeat will be a process of remembering and affirmation, but I will be victorious. 

My energy is good. I am a good person. I occasionally make mistakes. I do not deserve to be belittled, dehumanised, ostracised, or imprisoned by process for any mistake I may make. I deserve much better. And I will stand proudly and resolutely in the power of my own truth. 

I am deserving of everything good in this world. I am deserving. I am worthy. I am valuable. I am deserving. 

The Issue of Deserving 

What a journey. 

India is amazing. There is a magic and authenticity in the chaos. Divinity and ritual surrounds you, embracing you, supporting you. 

And I am here. 

Today some of my issues have come to the fore around deserving

When I am given a compliment, no matter how big or small, I usually qualify or diminish it. Yesterday one of my soul tribe told me to stop doing it. So, I did. 

Last night and today I have been overwhelmed by compliments or affirmations. People have continually told me how blessed they feel to have been given the privilege of meeting me, how beautiful I am, how beautiful and authentic my energy is, and how I have impacted so many people in the group. I am humbled. Truly. 

And scared. 

It is only just now I realise why; the responsibility that leaves me with. And then the deserving questions. And the what if I am a fraud persona jumped in. Old, old baggage, stemming from childhood when I wasn’t enough as I am. Ooh, try that again! Stemming from childhood when I was told I wasn’t enough as I am. 

Our group session then focused on connecting the masculine and feminine energies in marriage. Everyone was so elated and joyous. I was crying. 

The union, the piecing together of the fragments, the symbolism of the butterflies, rich diverse and unique that appeared in my meditation, the genuine love and respect from so many others – oh my. 

Tina from Campbelltown struggles. 

I channelled healing to a friend’s knee last night. It popped several times and Mother Mary came. I cried – her energy was magnificent, blinding – I never would have thought. 

The potential of each of us is awe-inspiring. Miraculous. Palpable. 

If only we each knew it, and believed it. 

I’m getting closer. 

The Tears 

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a cryer. If I am happy, I cry. If I am angry, I cry. If I am frustrated, I cry. If I am sad, I cry. If I am proud, I cry. If I am overwhelmed, I cry. 

Basically, tears come to my eyes a lot. The tears I love the most though, are the ones that come when I feel that I am on the right path. The tears that come when I have a moment where I realise that everything is as it should be. 

Yesterday I received sign after sign that my life is supposed to shift. Today I felt that in my soul as I read feedback from my teacher in my  Children’s Writing course. 

I felt a bit silly applying to complete this course but I shouldn’t have; this course will assist me in a way that my Master’s was unable to. In reality I would like to be a published author, beyond this blog. I believe that this course will assist me to overcome the ‘blind spots’ that have until now, restricted me from achieving this dream/goal. 

I was reading my teacher’s website and the tears pricked my eyes. Her words promised me that my dream/goal could be achieved.

I need to work hard towards achieving it. 

I need to stop defeating myself. 

I need to have faith that my writing is good enough. 

I need to believe that I deserve the realisation of my dream/goal. 

And so that is the direction of my development. Hard work. Faith. Overcoming fear and the belief that I don’t deserve everything that I want. 

Isn’t that the journey that we are all on for at least some of our life.