A Perpetual Work in Progress

Massive lessons being learned by me at the moment. I am in transition again. So much movement in my life, and so much trying to be and do everything. You can only ever disappoint when you try to be everything to everyone.

Hmmm … I didn’t mean to underline, but there you have it. The first salient point in this post lol.

My whole life, I felt small. I felt like I had no worth unless I was doing and being for others. As I reflect, that core belief is what has always landed me in trouble during my adult life. And it is ultimately the belief that has lead me here to be able to smash through it. Gingerly lol.

Obviously, that belief started in childhood. I don’t hold others responsible for it – it was my perception (mis-perception) of the trauma I encountered. The same trauma that has made me who I am (who I like – an empowered, resilient, and beautiful woman – a little proud I can say that without any challenge or awkwardness).

Last weekend, I hit a snag on Sunday. I forgot I had organised to go to the beach and then catch up with one of my very closest people. I was too tired. Soul tired. I slept ALL day.

I knew I had to make changes.

I couldn’t keep watching people live their lives – explore the world, see family and friends, do stuff – whilst the vast majority of what I did was work. Don’t get me wrong, I love my work. I just realised last Sunday, that I also love not working. It’s as simple as that.

I am most present and most liberated when I am doing any sort of healing work, be it with others or on my own self. Healing, and all that means, is my highest value and the reason I am on this Earth at this time – to empower and inspire others to be their best selves.

When I am not engaged in this work, I am not as buoyant.

This work takes many forms: tutoring, workshops, clients, writing, videos with Renee, and connections. And I’m sure there is more. It is my whole self.

But there needs to be a balance within the healing work.

And because of my ‘fear’ of disappointing people, my inability to say no for the same reason, all connected to my belief that my worth is connected to what I do for others, I have run out of mojo already this year.

When I’m working in my balance, I am energised. When I’m working out of balance, I become soul tired.

I’ve made difficult decisions this week, had difficult conversations, and the world hasn’t imploded. I still woke up this morning. People are managing to live their lives. Not much seems to have changed.

However, I have. As someone said to me yesterday, “It’s good you are setting boundaries, Tina. We would keep taking as long as you were still giving.”

As a person who has experienced trauma, standing up for what I want and being supported in that and not being belittled or punished, has been empowering.

The world didn’t end when I set some boundaries. People are disappointed, but we are all still functioning. The difference now, my needs are being met too.

And I AM worth that.

Childhood Blessings

My mum sent me this photo of us last night. I became really emotional. My chubby body not facing the camera and leaning against my mum as she holds me. My mum’s smile.

My perceptions and memories of my childhood are quite focused on the negative: arguments, screaming, violence, me lying in bed bawling and making deals with God.

The negative always seems to create more of an impact than anything positive and this misdirects our perceptions.

If I could, I would teach everyone in the world, from birth, that the universe is always in perfect balance. When something negative happens, we need to look for the positive in that moment too, to keep balance. If we could do that, our perceptions would be more balanced, and we would be more balanced.

Sounds too simple, right?

It’s not. It’s hard to step outside of yourself and your situation to look for the benefits. Even as an adult, an intelligent adult, it is sometimes difficult to reflect. The negative, the drawbacks, are always so easy to pinpoint. We are geared to look for the negatives in a negative situation. We somehow thrive from this.

Looking for the benefit, well, that’s more difficult. However, doing it really changes your perception of events. My work with Mai Mai has really enabled and empowered me to do this, and I can do it quite quickly for most things now. Especially for the small ego hurts that occur. And doing it at the time, really empowers you to keep more balance.

Try it next time you feel miserable about something. Be in the moment, list the drawbacks, list the benefits. See where it takes you.

The Hard Lessons – Shame

Third post in this series that started this morning with a mid post breakdown.

I mowed the lawn after the last (second) post. The cortisol moved through my body, I sweated heaps, showered and vomited, and after my shower, I felt cleaner and the cortisol had subsided enough that I knew taking time out and just being, with some meditation later on, would bring my body back to balance. Oh, and eating food with nutrients. Plus a coke or chocolate (this part is not nutritionally sound and a habit I need to break – just not today – don’t judge).

I have worked hard to dissolve the actual abuse triggers. I realised this as I pushed the mower through the grass. This isn’t about the sexual abuse itself. I am grateful to those people for my abuse; I have posted about that before, and this trigger hadn’t changed that. This is about the impact that the trauma of my childhood made. This is about my automatic reactions to things and having to work through every trigger as it comes up.

And that’s okay. Three hours after the incident, I am lying on the lounge, feeling much better, empowered and fully feeling that my mission to empower others is my soul work for this lifetime. So, I’m good.

I want to talk about the shame though. Receiving those messages made me feel like I had done something wrong.

Maybe I shouldn’t have replied. Maybe I said the wrong thing. Maybe I wasn’t clear enough.

Intellectually, I know otherwise. Trauma is a funny thing though. And trauma is not intellectual.

Posting my initial Facebook post yesterday made me feel vulnerable; I was worried that people would judge me, blame me, hold me responsible. I was worried that people would say, and I shit you not, that I am ugly and no one would look twice at me, how many tickets have you got on yourself. I posted anyway.

I wasn’t letting irrational fears guide my choices – this is real growth for me. Trauma is fear based and very hard to ignore or move through. It requires feeling the vulnerability and dealing with the shame.

When people, out of love and kindness, pointed out that George was probably a bot or a Nigerian catfish scammer, my brain told me that I was stupid and I should have known that (how, I don’t know). I felt significantly more shame. I am still unwriting this shame narrative. It will take time.

I think my belly weight is the shame manifested physically. This is really important for me to realise because that knowledge will empower me to lose my excess weight. I thought it was the abuse that caused the weight. I think it is actually unresolved shame. I think my underlying narrative is a strong shame narrative that I fight against.

I now own that I’m an amazing teacher. It took me years to not feel like I was being conceited and to stand in that truth. When I said it to some people, they tried to shame me out of it, but I refused to be shamed.

I now own that I’m a very attractive woman – and the belly twinges – I am, I argue with my belly. I’m not model beautiful, but I’m gorgeous. I am me, wholly and proudly, and shame only has the power to make me buckle, not drop.

Trauma is insidious. It told us we weren’t valuable, we weren’t important, we were disposable, unworthy, undeserving. Trauma is wrong though. And my trauma and my healing is the legacy I will leave this world.

There is more to say. I’m not sure what it is at this point. But I am so grateful for being able to express my self, grateful for having a medium to express myself in, grateful to have the courage to acknowledge the shame publicly, and grateful that I empower myself to stand in my truth.

Oh My. Healing the trigger.

If you have read my last post, you were witness to a triggered reaction/break down from unwanted male attention. I had to stop writing and responding to comments, and move away to process what I was experiencing.

I felt shock at first, as I realised the extent of the violation because I connected it to my childhood sexual abuse. I have always known that my weight issues were connected to unresolved childhood trauma and the subconscious desire to protect myself. I have been wanting to resolve that – ask and you shall receive – as I roll my eyes at myself.

After the shock and the realisation I was breaking down mid post, I felt sick in my stomach and my shoulders tightened. This is where I usually carry stress. I walked through my house and fed my pets. Made the bed, opened the blinds and turned on my salt lamps.

Amidst that, I started to unravel purpose. I need to resolve more layers. I’m good with that. This is a healing opportunity, and a teaching and learning experience. That’s the purpose.

Then, to gratitude. Find the gratitude in the discomfort, Tina. What am I grateful for?

I am grateful that I am still healing, for I am human and I love learning. I am grateful for the immediate support I received, and for the love and solidarity that was so strong in their comments and messages. I am grateful that I have a voice that empowers and enables me, and hopefully others. I am grateful that I am strong and that I am resilient. I am grateful that as I write this, I can feel the cortisol that was coursing fast through my body, start to abate. I am grateful that I am taking deep breaths and that I know to do and how to do that. I am grateful that I know this is temporary. I am grateful for all of my past healing. I am grateful because this will not destroy me, not ever. I am grateful that I have grass to mow. I am grateful that I can apply all that I have learned, including self-care. I am grateful for my ability to help others. I am grateful for the intensity of the experience and for the ability to feel my body’s response so that I can empathize with others to become a better healer. I am grateful …

These are my first steps. I will take the time today to continue my work on me. I will give myself the space to do that. I will walk the talk.

I will cancel my commitments today. I will mow the lawn and water my plants. I will make a nutritious breakfast. I will focus on me. I will Demartini the experience and look at the benefits and drawbacks which I’ve already started to do.

The beauty of having done so much work is that I feel already that I’ve got this. This will work for me. I needed to do this. I will model what others can do.

Funny thing – I’ve been blocked bowel wise since this happened yesterday and I rarely get blocked. After this, my body let go. Something in that for all of us I think. Our bodies hold our trauma and our grief. That isn’t healthy.

Permanently Exhausted

Whinge whinge whinge hehehe. Nah, not really.

Up until last weekend, I had been working seven days a week for over ten weeks. I know there are people who do this all of the time – hats off to them – I have struggled. By the last week, I was quick to temper and quick to spiral down. Just tiredness. And I knew that, so could keep tabs on it all quite easily.

I’ve had five days off. I don’t feel replenished. I have a couple more off after today’s work.

I have been reflecting this morning – has anyone else noticed that as daylight savings draws nearer, they wake up earlier – and I think that walking my path can be hard work at times.

I am okay about my grandmother passing. I am sad about the loss, but it’s purely sadness from her physical departure. I believe, quite strongly, that there is life after death. My experiences after Nat’s death have only strengthened my faith. I know that when we pass, our soul continues. Death no longer holds fear for me.

I also think the DeMartini work I’ve been doing with Mai Mai has shifted the way I perceive the things that happen. I’m more aware that there is always balance – sometimes it isn’t as obvious as at others, but that’s our mis/perception – and this makes the drama harder to access.

Death is a natural part of life. After all, it is our only certainty. I am endeavouring to live every day with intention and with purpose. I am being as I build. I am present and honestly acknowledge each moment. I love my work and I love where my work is leading me. I love the lessons because they enable me to establish my worth for myself.

But, today, and yesterday, I’m tired. I’m grateful for it – tiredness means I’ve been productive. But, it’s time to learn how to balance it all.

After self-worth, that’s my other ongoing lesson. I have faith I will get there – the self-worth is coming along very quickly. Truly escalated over the last ten weeks.

I wonder where I will be in another ten.

Nurturing

Two weeks ago, I found a massive lump in my left boob. Once, finding a lump would have sent me into a massive tail spin. This didn’t.

I felt a stillness from within, a trust that this is meant to be, for whatever reason. Whatever it is, I will deal with it, I’ll manage it, I’ll do what needs to be done. And, if it is worst case scenario, then I’ll make sure I make the most of each new day and live, doing things I love, being with people I love. And, the stillness and peace continues.

A couple of days after finding the lump, I made an appointment with a doctor. The appointment was last Wednesday, the earliest I could get.

My appointment was for 11.20. I had clients from 12.30. I thought I could make it. However, ended up cancelling first two clients due to the doctor running late.

Getting in to the car to go to the appointment, I smashed my left thumb in the door jam as the door closed unexpectedly. I have no idea how it happened. It hurt. My language was very unladylike lol. I held an ice pack around my thumb on my drive to the doctors.

Congested car park. One spot next to a brick wall. Figured I could make it. Figured incorrectly. Metal from the door jam to the back wheel on the left side pulled back. Yep. What the.

Pulled out. Drove to another spot, further away. Looked at the damage. Shook my head. Went in to surgery to wait for two hours. Still relatively calm.

I suffer high blood pressure (is it any wonder lol), but came off my medication last December because I didn’t like the side effects. I started meditating more to compensate. Also, watching diet and monitoring stress and self care strategies. I know I’m not a doctor, but I know my body best and me. Drugs weren’t helping; they were making it worse. No point managing one thing only to create others, and realistically, the drugs were managing the high blood pressure, not correcting it.

The doctor, whom I haven’t seen before, but I prefer a female for female things, looked at me, then to her screen, then back to me, and exclaimed, You look amazing for your age! I laughed.

Confirmed I have a tumour, not a cyst, and gave me the referrals for a mammogram and ultrasound.

Blood pressure 150 over 100. I was ecstatic. Yes, that’s high. But, that was my blood pressure medicated, occasionally it went lower, but not by much. More often, it was higher.

For me, on a day I had smashed my thumb in the door and smashed the back of my car, then had to wait for a doctor and cancel clients, whilst having a lump that after googling, I knew was a tumour, this blood pressure reading shows that I’m managing it! Ecstatic.

No family history of breast cancer. Older than 40. Approaching menopause. Doctor thinks it is more likely it is benign too.

I’m not worried. I trust that whatever is going on, is ultimately for my benefit.

One thing I know for sure, every time I’ve perceived I’ve gone through hell, I have discovered exquisite beauty and greater happiness on the other side. Every negative situation has created greater positivity in my life.

The universe is always in balance. Where there is pain, there is also joy. Where there is hardship, there is also ease. I trust that I will be okay. I am okay now.

Three things – left side – nurturing the feminine. I have lived so much of my life in masculine energy, it makes sense I need to balance my energy.

At school, I’m called on for masculine energy. In my business and life, I’m more feminine in my energy. Affirmation that my time in organised education is up. Time to nurture me, just like I’ve nurtured so many others.

I had a healing client yesterday. Seeing her face open and light come back into her soul, I knew that I had made the right decision.

Everything happens for a reason.

We all need to trust that.

Oh, and after extensive research, I will have the ultrasound but not the mammogram. It’s my right to say no.

Seven Weeks. Fourteen Days.

I am grateful that my windscreen was smashed. We have not found out who was responsible for it. But, I feel no anger, just gratitude. I hope that the child responsible finds the support they need to be able to fill the hole within them that lead them to the point where they believed their actions were appropriate and necessary.

Regardless, I am grateful.

Education no longer serves my highest self. This is no judgement on or against anyone else; these are just my thoughts and my perceptions. If you are a happy teacher, power to you. I no longer am.

I love children. I love working with them to empower them to fulfil their dreams. I love those light bulb moments when they get it. I love the jokes, the loving teasing, the rapport that is built through symbiotic trust. I love inspiring them to see the world and their place in it, in new ways. I am still a passionate and idealistic teacher. I always will be.

However, I do not respect or like the machine that education has become. I do not like the lack of humanity embodied in the broader leadership, and I cannot fathom or respect machinations that regard teachers and students as robots and tick a boxes.

I do not have the passion to fight it. There are too many who just follow it. My type of teacher is in the vast minority. I don’t see enough commitment to want to change; people don’t stand up and fight for anything anymore.

I will stand up and fight for me by being true to me, and putting me first. After all, no one else will. It is not anyone else’s responsibility; it is mine, and mine alone.

So, I have fourteen working days left until I hand in my keys. Keys that I will have held for very close to twenty years.

I have no intention of ever going back. I thought, when this time came, I would feel more heartbroken. Maybe the grief will come; maybe it won’t. At the moment, I feel like I’m finally answering a call to let go of fear and to start living. I feel liberated.

I have been sick this week, my body has been purging stress toxins, I’m sure. I have not been at school since the incident. I feel liberated. In the past, when I’ve been sick and had to take a couple of days, I’ve felt sooooo guilty that I was letting other people down. This time, I was able to prioritise my health and acknowledge my own worth. Illness requires rest. No one is let down; it just is what it is.

I feel happy. I have felt exhausted this week, every afternoon, as I’ve headed out to work with my clients. But my energy thrived as I arrived to the first door step each day and sustained itself until I arrived home. I feel very present when I work with my kids. I feel a happy heart and fulfilled soul; feelings, that in teaching, have been eclipsed by ever increasing administration demands and the systemic disregard for the welfare of teachers.

I know I’m a teacher. I always will be. But, at the end of the day, I am worth more and am more valuable than the system/broken machine of education decrees, and so, like all abusive relationships, I will move away from it so that my soul can thrive. I will not allow myself to be made small again in my life. This lesson is learned ( fingers crossed lol).

This time, I am breaking the abuse cycle that has ruled my life. This time, I empower me. This time, I am truly free.

Fair Exchange

Dr John Demartini, in his book, How To Make One Hell Of A Profit And Still Get To Heaven, refers to the universal law of fair exchange. I have read this chapter twice now. Both times, epiphany after epiphany.

My self-aware focus at the moment is to receive graciously.

I become overwhelmed and clumsy, and downright ungracious, when someone does something for me, compliments me, loves me, likes me, talks to me, says nice things about spending time with me, or working with me, and it has to change. I’ve tried to be better by acknowledging the nice thing, whatever it is, but ultimately, I just feel clumsy.

My business, in particular, is providing many opportunities/confrontations of this type. My clients refer me to other people. They value my service. They value what I do. They value me.

A struggle for me.

As much as I have grown, deep down in the wounds, I still struggle to see my worth. I struggle to see that I am, basically, a good person worthy of everything her heart desires.

And, the Law of Fair Exchange, went straight to the heart of this for me. I give a lot to others. I need to be willing to receive from others. If I don’t, my life, and the universe, falls out of alignment. The crux of my financial status rests here.

I give. I must receive. That equals balance. Balance equals prosperity. I express gratitude rather than discomfort, and that nurtures prosperity.

If I set clear guidelines for payment and expectations of and for my clients in my business, everyone feels comfortable, knows where they stand, and balance is achieved. If I fail to set clear guidelines and boundaries, our needs become confused, and balance is compromised. This leaves us all feeling out of sorts.

I am currently charging below my worth. I am finally embracing this (thank you, Mai Mai). I have much growth to do in this area. But, I’m on the path, and I think I now get it.

Fair Exchange also works for relationships. We need to receive as much as we give, give as much as we receive, and when we do, the relationship is healthy. If we don’t, we lose the relationship or let it go.

Balance, equilibrium, fairness, serves us all. There is enough for all. We are not in competition. We only lose when we act as if we are.

I think …

Illness or Purging?

I was feeling very shoddy when I got home yesterday afternoon after a wonderful afternoon with my road tripping friend. In true form, road trips are never dull with Margo and we were caught just outside Hill Top in a hail storm. She knew it was coming; I told her not to put the energy out there. Her reading of the clouds was strong; it was too late either way. The weather has decided.

Super full moon. Energies all over the place; even the heavens needed to release what no longer served them.

In my mind, I had prepared a magnificent ritual for full moon for last night – you know, in honour of my intentions for ritual this year. I felt like utter crap.

I did a very downsized version of what I had planned. I’ll post the video here, but you must ignore the perspective because I couldn’t hold the phone in a more flattering way 😂

One of the benefits of aging, I’ve lost ego over my appearance always having to be perfect; what I’m doing is more important.

Anyway, I wasn’t sure if I was sick or if I was creating the sickness. I woke up this morning and if I’ve manifested it, I’ve done a pretty good job. Felt like utter shit all day. I achieved three things, two of them very early. I took the boys to the groomers, vacuumed and mopped the floors, and then slept on the lounge all day.

That’s not the third thing.

The third thing was yin yoga tonight. My body told me that no matter what, I needed to go. So, I did. My body was just blah and my belly so bloated. I started to get nauseous in some of the poses and then I did that vomit in the mouth thing. Gross, right. What can you do. It was only a tiny bit. Just enough to taste it.

The meditation was amazing. I went swimming with whales and went deep inside and deep under.

Came home. Showered. Vomited. Feel better. Sort of.

Now, I started thinking about the things I was going to release well before last night’s ritual. If you watch the video, you’ll see what they were; I can’t remember them all now (because I released them). I’m now thinking, I’m not sick, I’m purging that which no longer serves me.

I had another flashback to sexual abuse during one of the poses. Remember, I’ve Demartini’d my abuse. No emotional response. Acknowledged it. Breathed it in and then released it on the exhale. Did that a few times, moving deeper into the pose and pushing through the flashback. Kept breathing. Nothing negative. No emotional response.

Amazing.

I went outside last night to take a photo of the moon (wish I was a photographer with a camera at times like that) and a blue orb turned up in the photo, but I also saw it away from the screen. Googled it. Starseed. Yep.

Anyone that’s had a conversation with me about my adventures in Minnesota last year know I was activated and believe I’ve lived on other planets. Starseed has something to do with that.

Here’s the video, after the photo:

Haters gonna hate lol.

https://tinakmeyer.files.wordpress.com/2018/01/img_7488.mov

The Difficulty in Receiving

The hardest thing about not having, is being open to receiving and believing you are worthy of receiving.

Anyone who knows me, knows how much I struggle to receive. Give me a gift, or offer to pay for something, and watch my face screw up as I writhe in my own discomfort.

I have always been this way; however, it has only been during the latter stages of this year that I have owned it, articulated it and explored it deeply. As a result, I’m working on changing it.

This attitude has emerged from an imbalanced perception I hold of my worth in this world. I know that I am a good person. I know that I am also a bad person (if we are talking in binary opposites, and apparently, this morning, I am lol).

I have entrenched the belief that I am unworthy of receiving. The ‘universe’ functions in a state of complete balance at all times, hence my binary opposites. So, logically, it also holds that I am completely worthy of receiving.

I don’t embody this because my perception has become imbalanced. I was fed a narrative as a child that I internalised and continued to write for myself, without ever fact checking. I am worthy as much as I am unworthy. I just am.

I have done the same with money. Obviously, my savings went this year, travelling and living and paying bills. I am happier than I have ever been, but/and I am living on very little. However, whilst I don’t need much to live, I want more because (and I needed to work this out – I’ve always believed money is at the root of all evil) I want to be in a stronger position to give to others.

I want to be able to subsidise and donate healing and workshops to disenfranchised women and girls, to empower them to live their best lives. At the moment, I cannot afford to do that because I am operating from a misperception of lack.

I need to open to receive to be able to achieve. I’ve become Dr Zeus’s lol.

My head is buzzing this morning. I need to Demartini some of my money triggers/memories to bring them back to neutral.

As a young child, I received a desk and books for Christmas. My sisters received dolls and toys. I initially felt betrayed by my parents. I wanted pretty nice things too. I felt different and angry. However, those gifts propelled my learning forward.

Reading taught me grammar and gave me imagination. It ultimately empowered me to write and escape a dysfunctional home for hours on end. The desk enabled me to do my homework and study, inspiring solid results at school, enabling me entry to university, escape from home, a career that has been fulfilling and that ultimately, paved the way and provided for me during my year away from it.

It was as it should be. Whilst I felt that I lacked, this was an imbalanced perception. I was being supported at the same time. Yes, I wanted what my sisters received, but I was ultimately happier with my gifts. Balance.

Meh. Welcome to my brain. It rarely stops lol.

I am working on receiving without fear, without cringing, without guilt. This is one of my intentions for now and into the new year.

What are your intentions?