Letting Go: Failed IVF, the Investigation, Fear and Control

Hi. My name is Tina and I am a recovering control freak.

As a child, I felt so out of control so much of the time, that as an adult I have tried to control everything.

I figured that if I had control, life would be good and I would become blissfully happy. I have spent my entire adult life controlling or trying to control everything. I have never really just let go.

Until now.

Thank you, Uluru, for your sacred healing energy that infused a trust for the divine into my soul. I am still, still. There is a calm and a peace in my depths that tranquilises any fear or anxiety that may arise.

I am very zen.

And as a result, obstacles are dissolving.

I only know this because I know the other side, too intimately.

For the best part of five years I tried to control falling pregnant and having a baby. When I did fall pregnant, my fear of not having control expunged the foetus from my body.

This was an opportunity to learn a strong lesson, that I failed to learn. The lesson was that I needed to trust the higher powers, whatever and whoever they are. I needed to trust the flow of life and the contract I made with myself prior to my birth into this incarnation. I needed to trust, full stop.

I then didn’t trust my family and friends to be there for and with me, and I tried to control that too. And so, I was alone.

Fear is a great controller. Broken, from failing to control everything, fear seeped into the wounds and kept me bound. I couldn’t move forward, or even see behind me. There was just the moment, and not in a zen way.

Failing at pregnancy, I turned to fostering. Again, trying to control, I wasn’t enough; my reason for fostering wasn’t enough. I was confused and broken, belittled and worthless. Again.

All the while, I was being bullied at work, reliving aspects of my childhood I thought I had resolved years before. I was used by people whom I trusted. I was belittled and betrayed. I tried to fight back without conflict, with understanding and compassion I told myself, but really, my fighting was fear manifested. I tried to control from a very weak and inauthentic place, and that resulted in poor choices.

The fear resulted in a ten month long investigation. Ten months of fear and anxiety, and a strong, visceral reminder that I control nothing. Subconsciously this fed the I am worthless narrative I had been telling myself my whole life. My desire and need for control was really just me trying to feel like I was worth something and trying to prove that to everyone else.

“I’m pregnant, look everyone. I belong. I am normal. I am one of you.”

“I’m a head teacher, look everyone. I belong. I’m normal. I am one of you.”

“I’m a foster parent, look everyone. I belong. I’m normal. I’m one of you.”

Years ago, at a crossroads professionally, I went to a medium. She acknowledged my crossroads. She told me my two alternatives. Promotion at work, or book signings as a healer and teacher.

Fear, manifested as control, kept me bound, until the investigation and then India. Prior to the investigation, the universe had started to untie my bounds. I had paid my deposit for India. I had completed many natural healing courses. I had registered a business name and received an ABN.

Last year, paradoxically, I had my worst professional year and my best. I was amazing in the classroom; I was exemplary. I was an amazing mentor slash healer. I loved teaching and being with the kids. But, my life and my soul fell apart.

I was forced to relinquish control. I needed to find trust that I was being redirected. I was coming home.

But, in the midst of anxiety and fear, I couldn’t see this. Almost a year after the investigation concluded, I can see it. Clearly. And today, I can feel it. Freedom. Bliss. Purpose. Fulfillment.

I am a healer. I am a teacher. I am a writer. More than that, I am me. A recovering control freak, a survivor of childhood dysfunction, and a braver scaredy cat.

🙏🏻🦋

Gratitude

The anxiety rollercoaster continues. But I can laugh at it. Today. 

Sometimes I think my life is a rollercoaster of events because I want to be able to understand and know everything, to be more empathetic. That is the result of this introspection and processing. I hope. 😉

It’s a positive reason for suffering: to learn, to grow, to become more resilient. 

One of my friends said that yesterday at work my face expressed that I was somewhere else. I did find it difficult to be present yesterday – in every moment. I did bring myself back as I realised I had drifted. The lack of control is difficult with anxiety. Maybe, the perception of lack of control. 

At any rate, it is difficult but not hopeless. I have taken control where I can. I am off work today. This is hard for me, assuaging the guilt that follows. But I was surrounded by people who told me, instructed me, dictated to me, that it was okay to put me first. And I trust and love these people, so they must be right. 

And I am grateful for that, and grateful for them. 

Amen. 

😃

  

Life and My Psyche

Today is the first day that I feel me since I became absorbed in/by the pain and trauma of others. I don’t know how long ago it was that I stopped feeling like myself. I know it was at some point in the last four or so weeks. 

It has been a journey to get here. Hopefully a journey that I will not have to undertake again. Hopefully I have learned the importance of prioritising myself and my welfare for the last time. Hehe. Hopefully. 

I think my IVF journey took from me my initiative regarding my life decisions and choices. Not entirely but enough. Before IVF I just decided to do things. Because of the control that you sacrifice during IVF I think I forgot to practice the control in my life. 

I’m not blaming IVF. I am a firm believer that my life is my responsibility. As an adult I am not at the behest of others. However, IVF consumed me. My focus on becoming a birth mother saturated my consciousness. My life was on hold between cycles and there was no life during cycles. Almost to the point that you forget you are a person living and you start to regard yourself, subconsciously, as an incubator, an experiment, a means to an end. 

I always had other plans but I didn’t really act on them. 

I knew I wanted to do other things, like travel, like start a business, like buy a home, like study some more, and writing, but I didn’t. 

I couldn’t. 

What if I started something and then fell pregnant. And this mindset, even a year after my last failed attempt, was still holding firm. 

It has literally only shifted in the last week. 

And now I am reclaiming my right to choose, and my right to not wait to see how things turn out. 

I’ve shaken the globe that is my life and I’m waiting to see where the pieces fall. Gratefully, there are many pieces. I am setting my own course, no longer in bondage to IVF cycles or my desire to be a birth mother. Those shackles are gone. 

And I am grateful.