A New Week

I thought it was going to be cold and wet today. It isn’t. The sun is absolutely bright and when I opened my shutters this morning, a warm glow embraced my bedroom, and I smiled. 

I slept well. I woke once to Molly vomiting, cleaned it up, and straight back to sleep. For the first time in a long time, I have woken mostly refreshed. And I feel calm. Optimistic. Trusting. 

I still have an odd feeling in my belly but my mind is fighting it. I have heard the universe’s screaming. Really heard it.

I need to write up my action plan. I need to get things done. It’s time to push forward and be open to accepting what comes my way as a result. 

Good and bad. 

It is time. 

Life as Learning 

What an incredible learning experience life offers us. Never a dull moment. Lord help us all lol. 

I am in a calm place at the moment, and have been for a few days. Solitude supports me quietening the noise that life usually offers. As a result, I have started ticking things off a to do list, and more importantly, started formulating what will become a five or ten year plan. 

Small things to take control of my life back. 

I have always said that Oprah is quite right when she says that the big things that happen to us, often happen because we haven’t taken heed of the smaller signs that fate/the universe/God has shown us. I have now started to listen. 

Obviously, I’m a phenomenal teacher and a great leader. I love the work. But it isn’t all fun, and the workload in modern teaching practice effectively corrodes a life/work balance. And realistically, my employer (NSW Department of Education) does not care one iota for my welfare or my contribution to their business. I am dispensable. Ridiculously. Because I am not. 

As much as I love the classroom and as much as I love making a difference through leadership, I resent what teaching has done to my life. What I have let teaching do to my life. Mostly from fear of not knowing and not trusting what lies beyond teaching. 

I wanted to be a teacher from five. I found a nobility in providing opportunities for kids to learn and to empower them to realise their dreams. Obviously, not all of that when I was five. At five, it just seemed magical to learn. I still find a nobility in teaching. But the cost in achieving it has become too high. 

I am a highly competent and resilient and intelligent human being. I am also a gifted healer. And I love writing. I can create opportunities for myself. And I will succeed. 

Breathe. Lol. Faith. 

I am in my seventh week of anxiety. I know that once a situation is resolved, one way or another, relating to work, I will be able to move forward. The anxiety will come under control (fingers crossed) and I will recommence living. Hopefully, with renewed vigour. 

But, I think the situation causing the uncertainty aka anxiety, is also serving as a big shout out to me that teaching is no longer my life path. I deserve more. I deserve better. I am valuable. My value is unrecognised and unrewarded beyond myself, my peers and my students. 

And that’s just not good enough anymore. 

So, I’m going to conquer the anxiety, conquer my fear of the unknown beyond teaching, and jump … If all else fails, I can always go back to teaching. 

Now to put the steps together so that I can reach the platform from which I will jump … 

To reclaim my life. My value. My self.