A Spiritual Journey

Just a quick one. Illness has taken hold of me. Lol.

1. I have been struggling to trust the universe with regards to money. I have been working so hard but money comes in and goes out. Trust is hard. I’m now sick, laughing at myself. A black feather made its way into my house. Just yesterday I was thinking, I never find feathers.

Okay. So you were listening and you were there. Black feathers represent healing and letting go in trust.

Yep.

2. I found a little picture thing on Facebook and a friend’s name kept being repeated, with urgency, in my head. I sent it to her. She said the timing was perfect; she needed to hear it. I’m sure she doesn’t believe it, but she did hear it.

The universe works in mysterious ways.

I trust.

I think that’s why one of my all time favourite movies, and I watch it every year, is Miracle on 34th Street. Faith. Trust. Santa is real.

Congestion

I have a blocked head and sore throat today; feeling shocking but laughing at myself through it.

A friend of mine just told me that I need to stop making myself sick so that I have to value myself. She is so right. A hard pill to swallow: truth.

Sore throats represent communication and congestion represents unresolved emotions. My life is too busy. I love working afternoons and into the evenings because I have the days. However, working for yourself isn't as stable an income as someone paying you, the same amount, regularly.

I am struggling emotionally with manifesting financial freedom; I am continually worried that bills won't get paid. I trust the universe but possibly not myself lol. So realistically, not really trusting at all. I need to work on this.

And on the value thing too.

Man. Did I mention I'm sick 😜🤣

Making It Real

I have been doing a LOT of reading lately. I am trying to manifest abundance, regularly set and stick to intentions, and mostly, trusting the universe to break connections to my old life. I do not want to go back to the life I lived that was not really any sort of happy life.

Much easier to say than do. And, I'm a nerd. I don't like getting things wrong.

I know that I have to stay the course; what I feed, I create.

I want my healing business to succeed. I want people to feel safe enough to embrace the life that waits for them. I want the same for myself.

I want to be a published author. I want financial freedom so that I can live this life without the constant worry of money and making ends meet.

I am grateful for everything that the universe has already supplied to me to empower this vision.

I had a test of all of this last night. I have a practise healing session today, postponed from last Monday because I was exhausted after working in a school as well as with all of my clients. I also received two offers of casual work. I declined both, putting the healing session and my client first, even though I know she would understand if I had to postpone again.

I went to sleep debating whether I had made the right choice. My savings are gone. The only money I am bringing in is from my tutoring business. I use it for food, petrol, and in the next fortnight, it will have to pay all of my fortnightly bills too. This is overwhelming.

I woke up this morning at 7; the natural time my body wakes. But for work, I need to be up by 630. Interesting in itself. Work makes me go against my body's natural rhythms. I opened my emails, only one, and Reid Tracy's Hay House newsletter was there. He wrote that the distinction between dreamers and successful people, is that successful people take action. That's it, they take action.

I have chosen to interpret that, in line with feeding that which I want to see thrive, as having made the right decision. For today. I have been offered work later in the week; I have accepted that single day. It makes next week's target more do-able.

We shall see. Any which way, I'm about to learn a lesson lol.

Trusting is not easy. This is the first step.

The Darkness

I think one of the hardest things to deal with from being abused is the feeling that you're never quite good enough. When you are young and another person treats you like you are worth nothing, and your power is stripped from you, it's very hard to take that power back and get those feelings of worth reinstated.

I have two clear memories of sexual abuse. One of these has been with me since my late teens and has never shifted; there's not much of it but enough for me to still feel a pang of ick when I recall it. The son of family friends was playing Hide'n'Seek with us. We hid in one of the bedroom's wardrobes. It was dark. And, you know, stuff happens.

Yep. Stuff happens. I'm at peace with it but am struggling to write what that stuff is. There is that fear present. Not of him but of judgement from others, of someone saying, that's not abuse and you're making something out of nothing.

Maybe I am. Maybe I did. I don't think so.

Because it impacted me. In the context of my childhood and my life, it changed me. I was never the same afterwards. I was very young, and the touching down there violated a part of me. I couldn't tell anyone. I lost my voice. I had never really felt safe before and I definitely didn't feel safe after.

I always felt that there was more. There was a way that one of the adult family friends always made me feel when he looked at me: vulnerable, uncomfortable, undressed. A horrible feeling when it isn't coming from someone you love or choose to be intimate with. Last year, during a healing session (I blogged about this at the time), I had a video reel of the sexual abuse playing through my head. That included penetration and all over grossness. Again, I was very young.

By the time this one was fully revealed to me I had completed so much personal work on my own healing, reclaiming my voice and standing in my truth that it barely impacted me emotionally. If anything, for me, it validated how I had felt all of those years.

Neither of these situations was one-off. And I don't think they were the only ones. But, I'm not sure. And I don't think it really matters. The impact was made. I needed to heal that. I'm happy with the knowledge that I do have. I don't need or want more.

We are all very different. What one person can handle, another might find completely devastating. I think that's okay. We all have our own path to walk. And, in our own time.

When I was at uni, away from home and my family, my indicator behaviours became more pronounced. I became obsessive compulsive with cleaning. I was cleaning the house from top to bottom every morning, manically. I stopped answering the phone; okay on its own, but as I listened to it ring out, and landlines ring forever, I was gripped by absolute terror. I became reclusive and shied away from any physical human contact. I started eating really badly and quite gluttenously (hello future weight problem) attempting to shield and nurture myself all at the same time. And, I started arguing unreasonably and without any flexibility in my tutes at uni; I needed everyone to hear me. Flashbacks were coming at random times.

I was sliding between mania and depression. I wanted to hide and be seen, I wanted control and wanted to be looked after. Contradictory behaviours that were driving the sanity bus straight to insanity.

I had majored in Psychology and knew enough to research the behaviours indicators of sexual abuse. I listed them. Made an appointment with a local sexual abuse specialist counselor. Turned up, with my list, and matter of factly announced that I was sure I had been sexually abused, could she please look at my list and validate that for me.

She was amazing. She smiled, read my list, passed it back, and started a dialogue neither validating or denouncing my claims. With her support, I started unpacking my behaviours and my memories and owning them all. She empowered me to see that I had choices, and reminded me that healing was a process, and a long, arduous one.

And, then she went on maternity leave and my professional support stopped for a time.

It was only through owning my perceptions of my childhood sexual abuse that I was able to move forward, very slowly. I started to speak my truth. The hardest thing was telling my mum. She validated my claims, but that opened a whole other can of worms for me. More on that later.

There were many dark times during the next, close to ten years, I'd say. My twenties became marked by trying to work myself out and get better. I couldn't see me reaching my thirtieth birthday; I was sure I would be dead by then.

I drank a lot in my mid to late twenties, started casually using some low level drugs sometimes, and wanted to walk into the ocean and not come out more times than I can count.

More on all of this later.

But, I survived. I still didn't think I was worth very much, I didn't like myself very much, I was doing more and more for others at my own expense, I was bitterly unhappy, fleeing from situations that challenged me in all of my relationships, working hard to not commit to any people, and succeeding, but I survived.

Sigh. What a journey through darkness.

Sexual abuse: the gift that keeps giving.

Know Your Worth

I came across this TED Talk this morning. I love TED Talks. It resonated with me on many levels. It's focus is business, but realistically, it resinates even deeper than that. It resonates on a level that forced me to focus, realistically, on my own self too.

"Doubts and fears are normal, but they don't define our value …"

Well, they shouldn't define our value; I fear that we might let them though.

https://www.ted.com/talks/casey_brown_know_your_worth_and_then_ask_for_it/up-next?utm_campaign=social&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_content=talk&utm_term=business#t-255263

Vulnerability

I plugged my USB into my laptop four and a half minutes ago. Brene Brown's Vulnerability TED Talk came on, and I'm now fighting the urge to fight back tears. Let them flow, Tina, let them flow.

Weird response, you might think. And, yes, I would usually agree. The tears pricked as Brene said that whilst she wanted to get her work out to the world, a part of her has worked hard to engineer staying small.

My tears pricked because I noticed how much I have grown. This resonated with me this time last year; that fear of abundance, of an audience, of people bearing witness to my life, in its totality. This means, the bad shameful stuff as well as the weird and the good.

We are, all of us, a whole package.

People have told me (and god love all of you who have because you have empowered me even further) that they respect the courage I show to post my life on the internet. It has taken me a long time to see this courage they speak of, but they are right. For me, I've always replied that whilst I know there is an audience reading, I don't really know there is an audience reading.

When I write, I write mostly for myself: what is it that I need to most hear to empower me to heal, to process, to grow. Sometimes I write for a particular person, to validate their experience or response, sometimes I write to expose or to teach, but mostly it is for myself. As Beyoncé sings, I was here; a record that I existed and that I live.

Back to being small, this was me. I wanted my 'wisdom' out there, I wanted to be seen, I wanted to be noticed, but not really. Because what if people don't get it, or don't like me, or think I'm weird, or think I'm a fool.

Yep. What if.

Who cares.

My truth is my truth. And my truth can change, and can grow, and that is okay.

I don't necessarily want to be big. But, I do want to be. And, just being now, is enough. I trust that I will put things out there and the consequences will be what they will be. My foundation is strong and won't be shaken.

I think I feel a little nervous about my book on my healing journey through sexual abuse (as part of a traumatic childhood). Maybe a little vulnerability and a little shame lingering, and I think that's okay. We all go through stuff as children that impacts who we become, positive and negative, and it's okay. The first step in healing is acknowledging this. As Dr Phil says, You can't fix what you don't acknowledge.

So, acknowledgement comes first. We each need to hold our head up high and speak our truth. Acknowledge what happened, acknowledge the impact, acknowledge the desire to change, to grow, to bloom.

None of us deserve to feel small. Our experiences and who we are, are significant. And valid. We don't need to justify or validate them for others, our knowing is enough.

And, our desire to be big does not serve us in the telling of our truth, because if we desire to be big we stop being authentic, and we start to behave to please others rather than to serve our own higher interests. And this is disingenuous.

We can only heal when we acknowledge what has been 'done' to us (marked this way because I believe we choose) and acknowledge the impact it has made, good and bad. And, truly own ourselves in every sense. And, when we reach that point, it no longer matters whether we are big, or have an audience, or are noticed, because we come to knowing that we are enough, just as we are.

This did not end or go where I expected it might. I hope you get something from it; I'm almost ready to write.

🙏🏻🦋

Lion’s Gate – A Ritual

I shared my intentions last new moon. I figured I should share my ritual to remove blocks to abundance for this full one. Balance and all.

Stay with the darkness. It lights up at the end, I promise. I am Wiccan. I do talk to the moon. I was standing in my front yard, in the wind, looking up at her as I spoke.

Sliding after the High

For the last four to five weeks my life has been go go go. For this introvert, there has been very little down time. And there have been trends in emotion, mostly very high.

Today, I am so drained.

My soul is positive. I know that days like today are temporary. I am doing what I need to do, and very little else.

I have finally arrived at the point in my evolution where it is okay for me to say, not today, without guilt.

I am eating well. I am still drinking my crystal water. I am sleeping (albeit last night on the lounge, waking up disoriented at 5.18am, swearing to myself that I'm sure I got up to go to bed). I am living my life, answering the calls from the universe.

I am heading to work early. At home, I will watch television. At the Library, I can write. I'm going to get a coffee on the way, and sit and enjoy today's writer's life.

I am nourishing what I would like to see grow. Feeding the intention. I'm going to start drafting my book proposal for Hay House.

This excites me. Even on a fatigued day, this excites me. Working towards my goals, manifesting the reality I would like to be mine, there is nothing better.

Full moon in an eclipse time. Emotions are going to be impacted. It's okay.

Deep breaths and stay the path; we will all make it.

Much love and big hugs,

🙏🏻🦋

The Importance of Voice in Healing Trauma

We all experience some type of trauma during our lifetimes; it is inevitable. The type of trauma can range from childhood trauma (accident, disability, abuse, you get the gist) to losing a child or parent or grandparent or friend or partner, or rape, unemployment, anxiety, the list is endless.

We are all different and we all come from different places; however, I believe that if we are to heal from this trauma, get to a point where we can think about it without anxiety, stress or pain, we need to give it a voice.

For me, the voice first came through when dealing with referrals at school, kids disclosing to me about their own abuse and/or trauma. I would then journal, always trying to get it out of my head so that it couldn't fester. My voice, unbeknownst to me at the time, has also shown itself through tattooing. My tattoos are all markers of moments, experiences and memories. Intermittently, I have journaled and spoken my truth during my life. In mid 2014, I started blogging, expressing my voice through written word to a larger audience.

As a result, I can speak about the truth of my experiences safely. Rarely does talking about, even my IVF journey, bring me residual pain that still needs to be resolved. Finding my voice and sharing my experiences has lessened the impact of the trauma.

It is through sharing (which requires a voice) that I have processed the events, re-lived them enough that they no longer hurt, and ultimately, become grateful for them because I am a better person as a result of them.

I would not be as empathetic, as compassionate, as sensitive, as loving, as resilient, or as inspiring without each of the traumas that I have survived and flourished from.

Finding and reclaiming my voice has been a long journey, starting from when it was first silenced when I was very young. Unfortunately, there are no quick fixes to healing trauma. For me though, finding and using my voice has been integral.

My voice is not your voice. But there will be a voice that suits/fits you. It might come through painting, or fitness, or drawing, or dancing, or running groups, or volunteer work, or traveling, or it could be like mine, through writing. I implore you, if you have suffered and endure trauma, give it a voice.

Share the experience. You never know whom you may help.

You can explore this journey with me further on my Facebook page Tina K Meyer.

Quantum Hypnosis Healing Session Part 4

Connection to source: I received an image of Mother Mary in a Rivendell-type setting. A utopia; people just being in peace. My stomach started to vibrate through it's bloating as I said Mary appeared to remind me to trust.

It is important to note, I have never been a Christian and Mother Mary holds little significance for me personally.

I expressed that I had a fear of living, that people aren't threatened by someone who carries weight. My Higher Self came in at this point to talk to Gabrielle. HS said that Tina has now realised the importance of trust. And now needs to let go of the old life, old connections, to fully move onto the new (original) path.

My voice begins to radiate real strength and control at this point, wholly present, unlike the voice when I was speaking as myself, which sounded a bit drowsy/dopey.

The key is to empower others to heal so that I can continue to heal. I need to write and to stand in the light. Time in nature is necessary – feet on the ground, touching the earth, connected to the earth, every day feet in the grass.

I wish you could hear the voice of my HS: massive biatch, "She thinks driving from Campbelltown to Thirlmere is being in nature, but it's not, because she is not putting her feet on the ground … and she knows this. She doesn't make the time. She keeps saying yes to work she doesn't want."

The tone. Man, it's cutting. And hilarious, like receiving a scolding from a friend's parent.

They then discuss my choice to incarnate. I was supposed to stop incarnating a long time ago. HS then snaps, "She was told ten years ago that a book and healing were her path, and she went straight back to teaching. She knows. She needs to stay this path."

"She needs to trust that we will provide for her. As soon as she trusts this, abundance will come."

I need to take the steps to leave teaching and move wholly onto my next path. It's so funny. Anyone who really knows me, would be laughing at my voice scolding me so vehemently.

I heal through writing and I trigger the desire for others to heal through my writing. I need to realise and accept this.

Gabrielle then questioned why I had been shown the scenes that I had been shown. My five year old self was shown to remind me that even whilst I was scared and alone, my inner core felt safe and grounded. My HS then dobbed on me to Gabrielle, and let her know that before I moved into the next scene, I had placed my hands on my mother and father's foreheads to emanate light from their crowns into their being to allow them to heal faster.

This part has struck emotion deep in my soul; almost the desire to cry. An old soul in a young body emanating love.

My HS then lectures on the heart of the human being, the nerve centre as the stomach; nourishment, expulsion, health. I have a limitation by failing to protect myself when I am there for others. I give my whole self and so take on board the welfare of others deeply. My HS then mentions that they have sent someone to remind me to protect but I'm a slow learner. I also need to use moonstone and jasper to aid in this (I bought both on the way out of Krystal Kamali).

I also need to bless my food consistently and eat mostly a plant based diet to purify my physical body. I need to write affirmations as reminders, and put them up as a way of reclaiming my 'abnormality'. I need to create a list for each aspect of my new ritual; I need to create a structure to support the work I came here to do. I need to master these before I receive the next steps.

My HS then said that I wouldn't be surprised by any of this because I already knew all of it. This is true. Everything I was shown through my session was to remind me of what I already know to be my truth.

We have individual contracts for each lifetime, but we also have universal contracts. I'm not ready to activate my galactic guide but will be within six months (I'm seeing Uluru). My other guides are my guides for this lifetime; I have met the whole group. I need to nurture the child within, my spirit child, "She is birthing in other ways … her mothering experience has reached many many many other children."

We are not just one lifetime. We move from one lifetime to the next, one planet to the next, one universe to the next. Our physical body is just the body we chose for this incarnation.

We then moved to the grid work and my dreams. I live my Higher Self life during sleep. All I need to do is ask for a night off and I'll receive it; I need to voice and ask for what I want – that is one of my lessons for this lifetime. I need to be conscious that I'm working in many realms at once.

My work is to reprogram the individual to enable the reprogramming of the larger grid. The individual programming I have engaged in throughout the entirety of this incarnation: with my sisters, with the bullies as I grew up, in my role as a teacher in a system. Once the connection to that life is broken, abundance will come.

My HS kept reiterating that one of my lessons is to ask for what I need, to express that. Yep. I hear it. I understand. Meh. Also, my weight is the result of a life that I refused to leave even though I knew I should leave it so I punished myself. It's now time to let it all go. To accept that I'm not normal and my path will be everything but. "As she returns to balance, her weight will return to balance."

I think it's important to state that my weight was an issue I wanted clarification about which is why it featured through this session. Also, my best self is not served in teaching and my diabetes is a reminder that I've reached my use-by date in teaching, and my high blood pressure a result of staying in high stress situations, reminiscent of childhood.

My HS then told Gabrielle to let me know that Tara was with us during the session. Answering the call is the key and once one call is answered successfully, it becomes easier to answer every call. As that happens, growth happens faster. Transformation becomes inevitable. "Life does not need to be convoluted to achieve our aims."

We then scanned my body for density, injury, held trauma, and my HS massaged those areas and sent light into them.

I'd like to say that my body has been expelling everything since Thursday's session. I've been sick as everything comes out. I'm okay with that, "the expulsion of everyone else's garbage to create space for her own."

👽🦋👽

So, there you have it. A recount of the hour and forty three minute session I had on Thursday. I giggled a lot as I listened to it. I feel it is my truth. As I've said before, it doesn't have to be your truth. However, if you've had a similar experience, I'd love to hear about it.

I have googled, the nerd that I am, some of the visual references I received. They have all been validated by images from this dimension.

This is an interesting time. We are in a year marked by new beginnings and massive transformation. All I ask, if you are called to do something that will not cause injury or harm to others, answer the call; it will transform your life.