Rejuvenation 

Having most of the family here on Saturday has made me realize how small my home is but more importantly, how much stuff I have. And, I think, most of it isn’t vital or even necessary. 

I want my life to change. It has been work-focused/heavy for too long, probably since coming home from Europe in 2010. Finishing my Masters whilst working full-time didn’t help the anti-social lifestyle I adopted to get it all done. Moving last year forced me to downsize but I think it is time to cull again. 

These last two weeks of 2016 are going to see me rearrange my space and remove unnecessary bits and pieces. Myculling will focus on leaving the things that will support and enable the rebalancing of my life, and I will remove the things that do not support this end. 

It will be interesting to see if my will is as strong as my desire lol. And, if I can find some creative storage solutions. 

Shaking Life Up

Before I moved last May, I think I had fallen into a rut. I think that can happen sometimes in life. 

When I first looked at the house I currently live in, I thought it was small. That forced me to really focus on what I would be packing to bring with me. It then resulted in an almost complete overhaul of furniture – moving away from dark wood (which I have always loved) to more streamlined white furniture. 

I love living here. I am much happier. And I am starting to live the life I’ve always yearned for. 

I didn’t really want to move. 

But, man, I’m glad I did. 

This move was the stone being thrown into the pond. 

Thirlmere

Again, I left work earlier than usual today, picked Max up from his play date, drove home and went for a walk. A gloriously beautiful afternoon – I can feel Spring coming, and I am so excited. 

  
We are walking areas around where we live that I haven’t explored yet. Fifteen minutes away the road gives way to land and trees. Moving here was the BEST decision. 

Open sky, fresh air, lovely people – everything a creative mind yearns for. 

It still surprises me that people smile genuinely and say hello here. Amazing. 

I’m loving the balance that I am creating in my life. I’m not sleeping and when I do I’m having nightmares, but man, I’m happy during my waking hours. 

So happy. 

   
    
   

My Drive

Every day I am greeted with a gift from Gaia. No two gifts are the same. I start every day feeling blessed. 

I love my drive to work. 

   
       

Surviving IVF and Thriving

Every month as my period comes and goes I remember my miscarriage and the futility of my period. I will until menopause and I am sure that after menopause other triggers will take my period’s place. 

But I’m alright. I acknowledge my childlessness, even though I desperately wanted a different result, and I keep moving forward. Happily. Now. At first the happily was more a fake it til you make it kind of happily. Now it’s real. 

This doesn’t mean I don’t feel the longing to be a mother. I do. 

It doesn’t mean I can get rid of the baby clothes, toys and books I bought. They are still wrapped in plastic, just like Laura Palmer, waiting for their day and the mystery to unravel. But I do not know which box they are in. And that’s a positive. 

It doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes cry, and it doesn’t mean I can look at other people’s kids and hear about pregnancies without dying inside. 

I still feel pain. 

But I also feel like I am me again. I can be light in my soul and not feel guilt or the heaviness of grief. I am not who I used to be, and after years of ongoing grief, I can finally say that I am an improved version of who I was. I am stronger, more resilient, and significantly more at peace. 

After all, I had a dream and I found the courage to pursue it amidst much failure. I didn’t give up and I did all I could do at each time. In retrospect I could have done more but it wasn’t in me at the time. And I am okay with that. 

So I have survived IVF. My weight and the yoyo eating I opted for seems to be ‘surviving’ too but hopefully I will kill that survival off soon lol. 

And I am also thriving. Interesting that at first I wrote, “But I am also thriving” … Hmmm. Food for thought there (take note, an unnecessary food reference right there).

Meditation has strengthened my core. Spiritually. I can only dream of washboard abs lol. Acknowledging things for what they are has helped. Not expecting anything has yielded abundance. And physically decluttering my space and ultimately moving has shifted my perspective. 

I am happy. I see a future. A rich future. Ahead of me, for me. 

As Banksy says, “There is always hope.”

Settling In 

I am quite peaceful within myself at the moment. If you saw me in a few moments today at work you may disagree with that statement but I mean within my core. Today I drove the thirty minutes to work in silence, just being with the environment and it’s beauty. It brings peace. 

The move has been good for me. I have created my home for myself. Final touches were white sheer curtains in the loungeroom over the French doors tonight. The main house is done. 

Next is the back yard. Finding places for all of my pots and digging up the existing weed ridden vege garden. A job for next weekend. 

And my writing room. 

I am missing my writing practice. But the loss is temporary.

And today whilst I was teaching Extension English (cheeky miscreants) I had a surge of inspiration to write essays. After my novella for young adults, I’ll be on to that hehe.

Happiness at home is causing friction within my superficial self at work. I have become more conscious of and irritated by silliness. I am hoping it is PMS (no, I’m not joking). If it is PMS, it’s temporary and I hope it’s temporary. I put out a feral energy when I’m superficially irritated and today that attracted dealing with a cigarette lighter gun and resulted in me telling a student to “shut up” only to be told well and truly by them where to go. 

There were lots of tears – three students in tears. The realisation of consequences for poor behaviour for two of them, and the third didn’t feel heard (past behaviour not allowing teachers to believe he didn’t do something that he was accused of). So I really listened to him and we resolved the issue. A beautiful boy but high energy. 

You have to laugh. Another day at the office. A long day. Followed by another long day tomorrow. I feel like I sound whiney – I don’t intend to and I don’t feel it. Hehe. 

Yes, my writing room. 

There is a dark pink wall. I wouldn’t usually like that look but it suits this room. White furniture in it. Throughout most of the house really – the illusion of more space and freshness. And a large window that I will place a lot of my pots in front of to provide the illusion of writing in the garden during winter. 

A lot of deception being alluded to here lol hmmm, I wonder what that means. Or is it the reality reno shows I’ve been obsessed with lol. 

Also a job for next weekend. Exciting. 

I am really looking forward to it. 

I love my new home. It is reflective of my rejuvenated, transformed self. The energy is beautiful. Soft and warm. 

I am happy. And at peace. 

😜