Fear & New Opportunities

When we let go of something that no longer serves us, no longer brings us happiness, it creates space for new things and new people to come into your life.

There is always fear when we make a change to our life. It doesn’t matter how small or large that change may be, fear of the unknown and the what if always lurks.

Liz Gilbert, author of Big Magic, recounts the way she handles fear and I’ve found it useful. We can’t ignore the fear, so we acknowledge it. She uses the metaphor of taking a drive. She tells fear to sit in the back seat, so it is acknowledged, but she tells fear to keep its mouth closed – it has no voice – and she does what she needs to do, drive her car.

Sometimes, too, it can help to write yourself a permission slip. Brene Brown is a huge advocate for writing yourself a permission slip. The act of giving yourself permission just makes it a little easier to do what you need to do for yourself.

Fear is useful. It keeps us humble. We just can’t let it control our lives. Fear keeps us small. None of us are small. When we aren’t living our best life, we can’t be our best self, and that robs the world of what we were put here on Earth at this time for.

When I left teaching, I was scared and sad. I loved being in the classroom. I thought I would die at Reddall, teaching the grandchildren of the children I had taught.

Letting go of a stable and secure income was difficult. Terrifying. I’d only ever really known teaching. But, it became infinitely more difficult to stay somewhere where my values no longer aligned with my employer’s values. I was sooooo unhappy. I hated going to work. I had to change.

I left gradually. I built a business up. I had enough stability in that to leave teaching.

As a result, I have more energy, my passion for life is back, and there is space in my life for new things. I’m 47 and feel a youthful zest for life that I haven’t felt in years.

Change is scary. Change is necessary. We ALL deserve to feel passionate and happy in life. You have to be vulnerable and you have to leap into the unknown sometimes.

Seven Weeks. Fourteen Days.

I am grateful that my windscreen was smashed. We have not found out who was responsible for it. But, I feel no anger, just gratitude. I hope that the child responsible finds the support they need to be able to fill the hole within them that lead them to the point where they believed their actions were appropriate and necessary.

Regardless, I am grateful.

Education no longer serves my highest self. This is no judgement on or against anyone else; these are just my thoughts and my perceptions. If you are a happy teacher, power to you. I no longer am.

I love children. I love working with them to empower them to fulfil their dreams. I love those light bulb moments when they get it. I love the jokes, the loving teasing, the rapport that is built through symbiotic trust. I love inspiring them to see the world and their place in it, in new ways. I am still a passionate and idealistic teacher. I always will be.

However, I do not respect or like the machine that education has become. I do not like the lack of humanity embodied in the broader leadership, and I cannot fathom or respect machinations that regard teachers and students as robots and tick a boxes.

I do not have the passion to fight it. There are too many who just follow it. My type of teacher is in the vast minority. I don’t see enough commitment to want to change; people don’t stand up and fight for anything anymore.

I will stand up and fight for me by being true to me, and putting me first. After all, no one else will. It is not anyone else’s responsibility; it is mine, and mine alone.

So, I have fourteen working days left until I hand in my keys. Keys that I will have held for very close to twenty years.

I have no intention of ever going back. I thought, when this time came, I would feel more heartbroken. Maybe the grief will come; maybe it won’t. At the moment, I feel like I’m finally answering a call to let go of fear and to start living. I feel liberated.

I have been sick this week, my body has been purging stress toxins, I’m sure. I have not been at school since the incident. I feel liberated. In the past, when I’ve been sick and had to take a couple of days, I’ve felt sooooo guilty that I was letting other people down. This time, I was able to prioritise my health and acknowledge my own worth. Illness requires rest. No one is let down; it just is what it is.

I feel happy. I have felt exhausted this week, every afternoon, as I’ve headed out to work with my clients. But my energy thrived as I arrived to the first door step each day and sustained itself until I arrived home. I feel very present when I work with my kids. I feel a happy heart and fulfilled soul; feelings, that in teaching, have been eclipsed by ever increasing administration demands and the systemic disregard for the welfare of teachers.

I know I’m a teacher. I always will be. But, at the end of the day, I am worth more and am more valuable than the system/broken machine of education decrees, and so, like all abusive relationships, I will move away from it so that my soul can thrive. I will not allow myself to be made small again in my life. This lesson is learned ( fingers crossed lol).

This time, I am breaking the abuse cycle that has ruled my life. This time, I empower me. This time, I am truly free.


Having most of the family here on Saturday has made me realize how small my home is but more importantly, how much stuff I have. And, I think, most of it isn’t vital or even necessary. 

I want my life to change. It has been work-focused/heavy for too long, probably since coming home from Europe in 2010. Finishing my Masters whilst working full-time didn’t help the anti-social lifestyle I adopted to get it all done. Moving last year forced me to downsize but I think it is time to cull again. 

These last two weeks of 2016 are going to see me rearrange my space and remove unnecessary bits and pieces. Myculling will focus on leaving the things that will support and enable the rebalancing of my life, and I will remove the things that do not support this end. 

It will be interesting to see if my will is as strong as my desire lol. And, if I can find some creative storage solutions. 

Shaking Life Up

Before I moved last May, I think I had fallen into a rut. I think that can happen sometimes in life. 

When I first looked at the house I currently live in, I thought it was small. That forced me to really focus on what I would be packing to bring with me. It then resulted in an almost complete overhaul of furniture – moving away from dark wood (which I have always loved) to more streamlined white furniture. 

I love living here. I am much happier. And I am starting to live the life I’ve always yearned for. 

I didn’t really want to move. 

But, man, I’m glad I did. 

This move was the stone being thrown into the pond. 


Again, I left work earlier than usual today, picked Max up from his play date, drove home and went for a walk. A gloriously beautiful afternoon – I can feel Spring coming, and I am so excited. 

We are walking areas around where we live that I haven’t explored yet. Fifteen minutes away the road gives way to land and trees. Moving here was the BEST decision. 

Open sky, fresh air, lovely people – everything a creative mind yearns for. 

It still surprises me that people smile genuinely and say hello here. Amazing. 

I’m loving the balance that I am creating in my life. I’m not sleeping and when I do I’m having nightmares, but man, I’m happy during my waking hours. 

So happy. 


My Drive

Every day I am greeted with a gift from Gaia. No two gifts are the same. I start every day feeling blessed. 

I love my drive to work. 


Surviving IVF and Thriving

Every month as my period comes and goes I remember my miscarriage and the futility of my period. I will until menopause and I am sure that after menopause other triggers will take my period’s place. 

But I’m alright. I acknowledge my childlessness, even though I desperately wanted a different result, and I keep moving forward. Happily. Now. At first the happily was more a fake it til you make it kind of happily. Now it’s real. 

This doesn’t mean I don’t feel the longing to be a mother. I do. 

It doesn’t mean I can get rid of the baby clothes, toys and books I bought. They are still wrapped in plastic, just like Laura Palmer, waiting for their day and the mystery to unravel. But I do not know which box they are in. And that’s a positive. 

It doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes cry, and it doesn’t mean I can look at other people’s kids and hear about pregnancies without dying inside. 

I still feel pain. 

But I also feel like I am me again. I can be light in my soul and not feel guilt or the heaviness of grief. I am not who I used to be, and after years of ongoing grief, I can finally say that I am an improved version of who I was. I am stronger, more resilient, and significantly more at peace. 

After all, I had a dream and I found the courage to pursue it amidst much failure. I didn’t give up and I did all I could do at each time. In retrospect I could have done more but it wasn’t in me at the time. And I am okay with that. 

So I have survived IVF. My weight and the yoyo eating I opted for seems to be ‘surviving’ too but hopefully I will kill that survival off soon lol. 

And I am also thriving. Interesting that at first I wrote, “But I am also thriving” … Hmmm. Food for thought there (take note, an unnecessary food reference right there).

Meditation has strengthened my core. Spiritually. I can only dream of washboard abs lol. Acknowledging things for what they are has helped. Not expecting anything has yielded abundance. And physically decluttering my space and ultimately moving has shifted my perspective. 

I am happy. I see a future. A rich future. Ahead of me, for me. 

As Banksy says, “There is always hope.”

Settling In 

I am quite peaceful within myself at the moment. If you saw me in a few moments today at work you may disagree with that statement but I mean within my core. Today I drove the thirty minutes to work in silence, just being with the environment and it’s beauty. It brings peace. 

The move has been good for me. I have created my home for myself. Final touches were white sheer curtains in the loungeroom over the French doors tonight. The main house is done. 

Next is the back yard. Finding places for all of my pots and digging up the existing weed ridden vege garden. A job for next weekend. 

And my writing room. 

I am missing my writing practice. But the loss is temporary.

And today whilst I was teaching Extension English (cheeky miscreants) I had a surge of inspiration to write essays. After my novella for young adults, I’ll be on to that hehe.

Happiness at home is causing friction within my superficial self at work. I have become more conscious of and irritated by silliness. I am hoping it is PMS (no, I’m not joking). If it is PMS, it’s temporary and I hope it’s temporary. I put out a feral energy when I’m superficially irritated and today that attracted dealing with a cigarette lighter gun and resulted in me telling a student to “shut up” only to be told well and truly by them where to go. 

There were lots of tears – three students in tears. The realisation of consequences for poor behaviour for two of them, and the third didn’t feel heard (past behaviour not allowing teachers to believe he didn’t do something that he was accused of). So I really listened to him and we resolved the issue. A beautiful boy but high energy. 

You have to laugh. Another day at the office. A long day. Followed by another long day tomorrow. I feel like I sound whiney – I don’t intend to and I don’t feel it. Hehe. 

Yes, my writing room. 

There is a dark pink wall. I wouldn’t usually like that look but it suits this room. White furniture in it. Throughout most of the house really – the illusion of more space and freshness. And a large window that I will place a lot of my pots in front of to provide the illusion of writing in the garden during winter. 

A lot of deception being alluded to here lol hmmm, I wonder what that means. Or is it the reality reno shows I’ve been obsessed with lol. 

Also a job for next weekend. Exciting. 

I am really looking forward to it. 

I love my new home. It is reflective of my rejuvenated, transformed self. The energy is beautiful. Soft and warm. 

I am happy. And at peace.