Excitement

I have a weekly doctor’s appointment at the moment to keep an eye on my blood pressure. The last couple of times it’s been measured it has been 170 over 115. One week of medication, at the lightest dose, and it is down to 150 over 95. One week! I am excited. And with my dietary changes, I just feel so much better. 

I feel like I am on the right path. 

And it isn’t just the diabetes and blood pressure. 

This year, my gap year, was taken to explore opportunities and options, something I don’t have time to encourage within myself when working in my permanent full-time position. 

Already, I have realised how much of the world there is to explore when you aren’t committed to a permanent full time position. Life is different when lived in balance. And very different when you are doing things that inspire you. 

I don’t know exactly when teaching became work for me. I used to love it; I would jump out of bed in the morning excited to go to work. I can’t remember the last period of time that I consistently felt this way. Probably when I was working in CAPA, but even then, the hours were killing my life. 

Anyway, kinesiology is a modality that I have felt a pull towards for a long while. I’ve been researching courses. I want to be close to home so have focused on the Southern Highlands. This afternoon I spoke to the teacher of said course, and as I was speaking to her, listening to her, I began to understand the pull I’ve felt. 

The point being, trusting these pulls towards certain things this year is opening my world in a way I never dreamed possible. 

I have my Sound Healing course. I am attending a writing conference. I am seeing Elkhart Tolle. I am travelling. I am writing. I am building my business. I’m socialising with friends and family regularly. And soon, I will commence my studies in Neuro Training and Kinesiology. 

I am just so excited this afternoon. 

Life is good. 

And, it is good because I am making it so. I am controlling what I do. I am transforming my life. I wasn’t happy with the lack of balance and I’m correcting it. It’s not always easy but I’m doing it. And I’m loving it. 

I wish the same for everyone. 

Ah, Sunday Mornings …

Lying in bed. Scrolling through Facebook. Finding inspiration, or consolidation, or articles of interest as I listen to the clock ticking and the birds chattering. Light is coming through the open back door whilst my room breathes in the last moments of darkness. The summer heat is gone and a fresh chill settles the air. Max scratches his head whilst Sammy’s jaw rests on my leg. Molly is sitting on the floor next to me. 

My home. My family. My life. 

Solitude and happiness; contentment I never thought I would experience. 

It is these small things and in these moments that I feel peace within my soul. Nothing is worrying me, I feel no pain, I am safe and I am free. The day spreads out before me. I have no plans. 

I might write. I might work on my Sound Healing course. I might read. I might dig out the garden bed. I might dye my hair. I might sit outside and reflect. I might – 

Possibility. Endless possibility. 

It reminds me of some of my childhood days. Usually summer. Neighbourhood friends. Daisy chains. Lemonade. Play. Days that seemingly lasted forever we were so present in each moment. 

And that takes me to the days that were the opposite extreme. I didn’t know that the pain would be temporary at that time. In childhood we don’t know that we will be okay; we have no life experience to know this. It is one of the gifts of aging: resilience. I didn’t really learn or believe or know that I would always be okay until my thirties; only I could defeat myself, life would not defeat me.  

It had no desire to. 

I was here to learn as much as I could and experience as much as I was able. 

This damaged child has travelled, studied, loved, and continues to do so. I have grown into myself, trusting that all will be as it should be in every moment, and that I will be okay. It’s been a process, a long journey, and I am grateful for it. 

I choose to learn from experiences, not to be bitter. I choose to feel the pain and choose to work through it to attain wholeness, irrespective of how long it takes. I choose to see beauty and to express my gratitude for it. 

Especially in the seemingly small, blessed moments; they sustain me and remind me that life truly is worth living. It is a special gift to be present as the years unfold, and as life becomes richer and I become more myself. 

A beautiful, wild, intelligent, empathic, powerful soul. 

Namaste. 

And, I wish for you, gratitude for the small moments of beauty you experience today. 

Bits & Bobs Upon Reflection 

I enjoyed going back to work yesterday. 

The first two periods were brilliant. I was worried about first period because I’ve had that class three times already, and whilst they were getting better and we all quite like each other, morning periods have been the worst. One of the boys went to open the infamous window (had thrown things out of it last week) and I said, “Uh uh,” and he assured me it would be okay because he’d taken his tablets today. 

No lie from him; what a difference some pills make. We went to the Library to work on resumes. 

And, in Period 2, I was in the Support Unit. I love the kids and staff in this unit. We worked on numeracy and capitalism/market strategising by playing Monopoly. 

I had a massive run in with two rude seniors during Periods 3 and 4, and a massive success with the rest of the class, surprisingly. And I think it stemmed from a few of us crying during Big Daddy. One of the friends/co-conspirators stayed behind to talk to me into lunch. I love those moments. 

And Year 7, last period, came in, in dribs and drabs, which made control and settling harder. 

I’ll follow it all up and eventually the kids will behave, but I’m too old for the patience required. And I’m just not into teaching as much, well, snobbily, teaching kids who don’t want to be taught. 

But I love tutoring, and love my business. 

Kids that do want to learn and do want to improve. My first client yesterday afternoon is a smart child who struggles with getting his ideas onto paper. I started some meditation and focus activities with him that worked. And my second client yesterday, well, she has been helping her friends in class with their Maths and getting it right. She said that she had never been able to do that before. 

And the best part is their faces when they see me; they light up from their toes and straight into their eyes. I love it. 

If I can grow my business, supporting people that want the support, I’ll be a very happy woman with lower blood pressure. 

Nice segue, hey.

Five days on my meds for Diabetes and I can feel the difference within me. 

At first I struggled with extreme hunger and needing to eat at night which is abnormal for me but has been happening for the last couple of weeks; I’d just put it down to my period and emotional eating. I now think my sugar levels were out. For the first few days I also suffered gastro but felt like it was a good clean out, and it’s stopped now. 

I’m managing my diet a lot better after a lot of reading, and will be seeing a dietician soon. I’ve minimised my sugar intake and now need to start on the carbs, but I’m adjusting well. Just the kick in the pants that I needed. Exercise will follow. I feel much better within myself. Oh, and I don’t get up to go to the toilet during the night. Who knew. 

I’m spending time with a sister and the nephews today. A Day Out With Thomas ( the tank engine) at Trainworks (across the road). Very excited to meet the Fat Controller (ironic) and ride on Henry. Woo hoo! 

Living Your Best Life 

I ran a successful workshop a few weeks ago. Yesterday we had a catch up to see how everyone was going. It brought to light something I have learned in my quest to live my best life. 

Last November I made the decision to drop to part time for this year, and ultimately in December, decided it needed to be all or nothing, so took most of this year as leave without pay. The day I made this decision I sat with it before I informed my boss. By the end of the day I was ecstatic. 

I sat in this happiness until January. In January, anxiety set in about money. I kept moving forward, acknowledging the fear but not bowing down to it. This fear has since passed and I know that I was right to not return to work this year. My time in Western Australia has reassured me that I am on the best path for me. 

I am at peace and trusting that all will be provided when I need it. I am loving my life. I am living with minimal stress and happier than I remember ever being. 

However, as my catch up highlighted, living your best life is a journey, a process, and there will be glitches, moments of doubt, and fear at times. And this is all okay. It is also okay if your journey has no complications or glitches or doesn’t move as fast as someone else’s. 

Every journey, every process, is unique. Even within your own life. 

The important thing is to acknowledge the glitch, manoeuvre through it, and to keep going. Moving forward is vital to the success of living your best life. Availing yourself of opportunities for support is also vital. 

Take a deep breath, take some time out, re-evaluate the steps, and when you’re ready, keep moving forward. 

It will be worth it, I promise. 

What a difference a day makes … or six 

I leave Western Australia tonight for home. Molly, Max and Sammy wait for me there, as does a different path. A path that will require ritual, nurturing and above all else, patience. 

I trust that I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this moment in time. 

When I arrived last Thursday, Mel and I created a mini workshop to complete with her cousin. The workshop involved affirming, I Am, and a manifestation of this through clay. It set the tone for the days that followed. I was open and excited to experience the opportunities that lay in wait. 

A huge thank you and bounteous gratitude to my buddy, Mel. She provided opportunities to try new things, meet many new people, see different places, and welcomed me into her life. I have met many people who are living their creative paths wholly. This has inspired and empowered me. Our friendship has grown because we have navigated hurdles with grace and honesty. I adore her, her beautiful family and her wonderful friends, many of whom welcomed me willingly into their worlds. 

What a trip! 

What a beautiful state; Australia’s best kept secrets reside here in WA. Such beauty and virtually untouched landscape. Whole foods abound – choice is vital for a healthy lifestyle – and regular commune with the divine is inevitable, consciously or not. 

I will return home, somewhat healed, refreshed, open and trusting. 

Forgiveness is a process. Trust is a process. But the return from both when given is monumental. A freedom of spirit and an enthusiasm for life that is unrivalled in the journey of personal growth, and fulfilling life goals and dreams. 

My life, since commencing my fertility treatments in the hope of conceiving and carrying and nurturing a child all of those years ago, has been frenetic and painful, but has landed me here. And here is pretty awesome. Renewed hope, renewed faith, renewed dreams and goals. 

What a privileged path and blessed journey. 

Namaste. 

Without …

Without India and without the trauma of the investigation, I would not be here. 

Without here, I would not have snorkelled. 

Without snorkelling, I would not have realised I fat shame myself and sometimes permit myself to live from fear. 

Without one thing, the other would not have existed. 

I am in a period of transformation. Not a period of change as such, but a period of deeper awareness of who I am and what I want. 

I need water. 

I need like minds. 

I need difference. 

I need happiness, more like bliss. 

I need movement. 

I need … all of this. 

I am about to fall asleep in one of the most beautiful places I have ever journeyed to. My soul is alive. 

Today I walked near the ocean. 

Today I walked in a forest. 

Today I loved. I swang. I chatted. I held a hand. I hugged different people. I felt. I soared. I sparked. 

Today … 

a single day. 

I am blessed beyond belief. This damaged girl from Campbelltown has empowered herself to really live, to discover what centuries of mystics have shared … life is to be lived. 

Life is not to be worked. 

Life is gratitude, blessings, sunsets, oceans, rivers, properties, like minds, lost goggles, lost childhoods, lost minds, a swing, new experiences, new friends, profound connection, hearty conversation. 

What a perfect day and perfect trip! 

Without the darkness, this light would not have come. 

The Power of Fear 

We all experience it sometimes. That feeling that things could go terribly wrong if you do a particular thing, make a particular decision, or even leave the house. It usually starts with an unsettling in the belly, then you scrunch your face in some way before finding any reason, many reasons to say no, or not to do it, or not to go. And deep down you know that you are deluding yourself, but our ability to justify our fear surpasses that feeling. 

Now that I’ve had some time to process things, I’ve noticed that I’m becoming more conscious of how I feel and behave when I’m experiencing fear. As a result, like Liz Gilbert, I acknowledge the fear, apply my twenty seconds of courage, and start. I still talk the fear out of me because fear is strong and stubborn, and just because I start something doesn’t mean fear sits back and acquiesces. 

It’s hard. Life is hard. We have all been hurt. We’ve been battered and bruised. We all know how hard it is and how long it can take to recover from defeat. We all know the shame that we have felt when we have failed at something, or embarrassed ourselves in front of others, and the guilt if we haven’t quite measured up to the expectations others gave for us. 

All of these things create a soul memory that comes to the fore when we feel challenged, or unworthy, undeserving, and basically, just not good enough. We create a narrative and dialogue that then justifies this sensory fear of the unknown. 

I think I have lived a lot of my life in fear. I think that fear has stopped me from doing a lot of things. But I have also experienced many times when I have been able to override that fear with courage. 

And I have never been disappointed when this has happened. 

Two days ago, terrified, I climbed over some rocks and snorkelled. I loved the experience. But it wasn’t immediate. When I first put the mask on, fit the mouth piece into my mouth, and put my head under the water, I could fear my breathing which scared me. This caused me to tighten my chest and foolishly embrace the fear. I brought myself up and asked Mel if it was normal to hear your breathing. Of course it is. So, when I went back under the water, and I felt the fear, I told myself to trust and to relax, and my breathing settled. From there I was able to allow myself to dive under. 

And that wasn’t the only fear. I then feared that I looked like an idiot and that I wasn’t using my legs properly. 

And then I told myself that it really didn’t matter. Who cares what You look like when you are living such a blessed life? Like, really Tina, pull your head in. 

It was only then that I could focus on the beauty and the freedom of being underwater for extended periods of time, of seeing the fish and ocean life functioning and living in their natural state, of feeling the cool water rush against and embrace it as the body glides through. A feeling of divine liberation, of connection at every level: the physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual. 

And yesterday I snorkelled again. No fear. Not even for a second. The body and mind knew and understood and remembered the delights that awaited it. And, I could then see the translucent stingers before they stung, and I could leave that section of water. 

My ‘shyness’ I think was a fear of judgement, of not being good enough, of not being normal. Now that I’ve let go of that label, I seem to have let go of the fear, for the most part, and am more open to meeting new people. Realistically, if they judge me but I like me, what does their judgement matter. 

It doesn’t. 

And if I fail whilst I’m living, what does that matter. At least I was living and not just existing safely, and at least I tried. 

Yep. Fear limits and restricts us. It stops us from being wholly authentic and wholly alive. There will always be excuses to not do the things we truly feel that we are being called to do, don’t let those excuses stop you. Find a way to live your truth. Find a way to be your true blessed self. Don’t rob the world of the opportunity to know you as you truly are. Your gifts are necessary for the world to flourish. 

Living Your Best Life 

I was blessed to run my first workshop for this year this morning. I felt in my heart, as I designed the program, that it was a good one. My participants today ensured that it was. 

I keep thinking that I will run these programs online, and I can, but what will be missing is that personal, real life interaction between people as they share their stories in the process of reclaiming themselves. The program will still work but what I love most is watching the emotions and ah-ha moments on participants’ faces. Online wouldn’t have that same intimacy. 

Magick. 

I learn too. I think that in our society today, we have lost the ability to really connect with others through storytelling. Watching my participants support each other this morning was beautiful. We are all experts in different fields and when we come together, well quite frankly, the world becomes a better place. 

To succeed, to reclaim our selves, we need to be fearless, even for twenty seconds, to take the risk and jump. 

I love this work. 

I need to learn how to effectively market my product. I truly believe many would benefit. I need to make this a reality. That’s my next goal. Lol. Adding to the list. 

Big love and big thanks to my participants. 

Slowing Down and Trusting

I’m finally slowing down and feel more normal. I have let go of the stress of not working and am just letting it all be. 

I will have enough money when I need it. I have already stopped spending for the sake of having something pretty and am considering every purchase – will it serve a need. It’s taken almost a whole month to get to this point of calm. 

Transition is hard. Jumping is hard. Trusting is hard. 

Letting go of control is somewhat liberating. 

Yesterday was Saturday. When I work full time, come the weekend I am exhausted and just want to sleep. I end up sick and end up with more migraines. The body screaming to me that I’m not living the way that I am supposed to. 

Yesterday I woke up, drove to Collaroy (a place I’ve never been to) and had lunch with A friend I made whilst in India. It was just perfect. I wasn’t tired. I was able to enjoy it. And I did work a little last week so it’s not like I’m in holiday mode. 

I need to develop writing and meditation rituals, but for the most part I am achieving a sense of balance. I am making better food choices. I am going to bed at reasonable times. I am just living better. 

The choice for a gap year felt right, right from the start, but my mind conjured up demons in the form of overthinking money, when I have always believed that money will always be there when you need it and that has never failed. A gap year sounds wonderful, and it is, but it is also the time that our demons confront us to battle. 

It’s important to be patient, strategise and then slay those mot#*^ #*%~ers. 

Hehehehe. 

Synchronous Moments

It is the first of February. Thirty one days of 2017 gone. Thirty one days into my reckless gap year. And January was an emotional rollercoaster. 

After tutoring yesterday afternoon though, and missing the kids at school, I have remembered how much I absolutely love teaching. The act of teaching fills my soul with warmth and love, connectedness and vigour. And, I love writing. The ability to weave lessons and beauty and truth into a tapestry of words – man, nothing like it. 

I start February calm again, with restored focus and stronger trust. Lessons from India and the beauty of Hobart rolled together into one last night in the guise of a film, that everyone should see. If only for the artistry and sophistication in how the story is told. 

Lion.

Dev Patel must be my favourite contemporary actor. He can tell any story authentically. No words. 

Lion. A reminder to me of all I desired achieving this year. A reminder that life is short and that suffering mindfully yields a beautiful life, ultimately. And, a reminder that life happens and that we should embrace it with compassion and purpose. 

India and Hobart. The last two places I have travelled to. Together in one film to remind me that this year was still about service as well as telling stories. The goals I had gently pushed to the side in the anxious flurry of not working and excitement in organizing travel. 

I trust that I have needed to work through something and that is why I have been anxious, and I am at peace with that. 

Yesterday culminated resolving my sense of value and worth, and the love for teaching that I possess, as well as remembering the different things that I set out to explore this year, and trusting that this is all a process and was never meant to be easy … or everyone would do it. 

Maybe this is why a couple of people have called my gap year brave. 

Maybe I am.