A Spiritual Journey

Just a quick one. Illness has taken hold of me. Lol.

1. I have been struggling to trust the universe with regards to money. I have been working so hard but money comes in and goes out. Trust is hard. I’m now sick, laughing at myself. A black feather made its way into my house. Just yesterday I was thinking, I never find feathers.

Okay. So you were listening and you were there. Black feathers represent healing and letting go in trust.

Yep.

2. I found a little picture thing on Facebook and a friend’s name kept being repeated, with urgency, in my head. I sent it to her. She said the timing was perfect; she needed to hear it. I’m sure she doesn’t believe it, but she did hear it.

The universe works in mysterious ways.

I trust.

I think that’s why one of my all time favourite movies, and I watch it every year, is Miracle on 34th Street. Faith. Trust. Santa is real.

Making It Real

I have been doing a LOT of reading lately. I am trying to manifest abundance, regularly set and stick to intentions, and mostly, trusting the universe to break connections to my old life. I do not want to go back to the life I lived that was not really any sort of happy life.

Much easier to say than do. And, I'm a nerd. I don't like getting things wrong.

I know that I have to stay the course; what I feed, I create.

I want my healing business to succeed. I want people to feel safe enough to embrace the life that waits for them. I want the same for myself.

I want to be a published author. I want financial freedom so that I can live this life without the constant worry of money and making ends meet.

I am grateful for everything that the universe has already supplied to me to empower this vision.

I had a test of all of this last night. I have a practise healing session today, postponed from last Monday because I was exhausted after working in a school as well as with all of my clients. I also received two offers of casual work. I declined both, putting the healing session and my client first, even though I know she would understand if I had to postpone again.

I went to sleep debating whether I had made the right choice. My savings are gone. The only money I am bringing in is from my tutoring business. I use it for food, petrol, and in the next fortnight, it will have to pay all of my fortnightly bills too. This is overwhelming.

I woke up this morning at 7; the natural time my body wakes. But for work, I need to be up by 630. Interesting in itself. Work makes me go against my body's natural rhythms. I opened my emails, only one, and Reid Tracy's Hay House newsletter was there. He wrote that the distinction between dreamers and successful people, is that successful people take action. That's it, they take action.

I have chosen to interpret that, in line with feeding that which I want to see thrive, as having made the right decision. For today. I have been offered work later in the week; I have accepted that single day. It makes next week's target more do-able.

We shall see. Any which way, I'm about to learn a lesson lol.

Trusting is not easy. This is the first step.

Rubbing Against Old Patterns

I am writing a book/book proposal; working hard to manifest last new moon's intentions. I have always wanted to be a writer. And, I am.

I am grateful for this platform in this technological and connected age. But, I want more. I want books in print, partly for ego, if I'm being honest, but mostly because I have something to share. I completed a Masters degree in Writing to support the manifestation of this dream. I started this blog to support the manifestation of this dream. I went to the Writer's Workshop to manifest this dream.

And this week, I found myself rubbing up against the same old conditioning that has plagued my life: fear.

That I'm not good enough.
That I'm not unique enough.
That I have nothing new to say.
That no one is really interested.
That I'm not good enough.
That I'm not good enough.
That I'm not good enough.

Fleeting thoughts, not deep enough to upset me. And, real enough to paralyze the free flow of my writing.

I combat these thoughts, this fear, and keep doing it anyway. This is what is different now. I push through in spite of the fear. I haven't given up. I continue to torture the words, forcing them into uncomfortable positions, making them do my will.

And then Saturday morning comes, I watch some inspirational videos, and I remember to trust myself, and I remember to trust the universe (or God), and I remember that every path I take leads me closer to my enlightenment.

And I hear the higher voice reminding me to be authentic, telling me not to do what other books have done, do what you do best Tina, and I recall a message I received last week from my long term friend and sister, Crystal, and she was already reminding me of what I needed to do. It took me a couple of days, that's all, for my mind to catch up and trust.

That pesky voice who lives in fear, man, it comes at the worst times, and it inhibits growth and movement, and I forgot to acknowledge it and tell it that I hear it, but it has no power here anymore, because it found a different way to get in. It didn't come in and stop me from starting, it waited until I was in the writing groove and then it struck, mercilessly. It camouflaged itself, and it has taken a couple of days for me to see it for what it is.

But I see you now, fear, little f, and I am telling you again, you don't live here anymore.

And so mote it be. Vanquished.

Time to write.

Abundance?

There is enough for everyone.

I think I might finally be starting to believe this. It has taken me a week to process my Hay House Writers Workshop experience. And it was reading a blog piece by someone I met last weekend that has allowed the final piece for now to sit comfortably.

Since the success of my India experiment (answering the call, trusting I will be fine, being true to the experience, letting go of redundant labels like shy), I head in to each new experience with an infinite sense of trust and calm. I didn't know what to expect from the Writers Workshop so I chose to expect nothing; I answered the call and that was what I was supposed to do. That was enough.

I pre-booked my parking. I never do this. But I answered that call too. I missed the entrance. The GPS said I had arrived and did not reroute. I took a deep breath, and with logic and faith, I made my way back to the parking station. I lined myself up for a spot and a zippy car sped into it. I did a u-turn a little further down and came to park in another spare spot.

I tell you this because this run of events is usually so inconsequential in our lives that we do not pay any mind to them. As I tried to navigate myself to the Convention Centre, a lady asked if I was going to the Workshop. I said yes.

We started walking together, we registered, we sat together, we ate together, we met up for breakfast the next day, sat together, ate together, met new people together, had our books signed together, had photos together, and not ready to leave this 'new' friendship, had a drink after the workshop, together.

The conversation flowed easily and went deep almost immediately. Another of my tribe.

I have opened space in my life by jumping this year. As a result, I have given permission to myself to explore new things, meet new people, and move more fully into who I am. My heart has opened, my mind has opened, and I'm living with more conscious purpose than I have in a long time. So, it follows, my life has opened.

And, the real beauty in this, is that my old life (the parts that served me – friends, working with kids, healing, writing) are staying with me whilst I build my new life (taking what serves and leaving behind what doesn't serve me any longer). I feel so liberated.

I am struggling to break old connections. Teaching in schools for money is the greatest obstacle I face; that routine and that connection have been my life for over twenty four years. I am still working on manifesting financial freedom, but I think I just need to relax into it rather than focus on whether I have enough money all of the time.

And trust in abundance; there is enough for all of us.

Dr Ali Walker spoke at the workshop. She resonated for me. She had set her intention to become a Hay House author, put symbols on the fridge, focused entirely on it, and when Hay House rejected her manuscript, her life as she knew it, ended. The intention had not manifested and she was emotionally broken. Knowing her message was important, she started over, more relaxed, and Hay House has published her message.

I need to relax. I've set my intentions. I need to now release them for manifestation, in whatever way they will serve me best. I trust in this.

After all, there is enough for all of us.

Gratitude

In 2005, I became a mother of sorts to a young girl. Life isn't always what we expect; and life had been this way for this young girl. She innately knew that there was better out there and she wasn't going to settle for anything less.

She was very unhappy with her home on the Central Coast and moved to be with family near Sydney. She thought it would be better and it would enable her to build the life that she wanted. And it did, but not the way that she expected it to.

She was very sad most of the time. But she also possessed a drive for more. She continued to get up and get dressed every day (brushing her hair wasn't an every day or even every other day occurrence, but you can't have everything in life lol). She continued to come to school, and learn and build relationships that would serve her, and that she could serve.

Until one day she couldn't anymore live the way she had been living. She was fed up with the daily pain, the waiting, the not knowing how to fix it, the everything that wasn't serving her. And we ended up at the hospital together, waiting and waiting, and hysterically laughing at everything. Like we were crazy.

And we are.

She made the decision to be better, to get better, to create and be more wholly in her life. She was sent back to the Central Coast and she really started to fight for what she perceived was hers.

She didn't want to be there. And so she made sure her stay was temporary. She organized her own accommodation back in Sydney. And then, almost every day, she trekked a significant distance to the school she had made her home.

She started to smile again, she started to believe again, she started to breathe again. And we loved her.

She finished high school, graduated, and went to Uni. She graduated Uni, and her future husband and I were there to bear witness. She found work, she explored, she made some crazy decisions, always trusting her self. She worked hard to manifest the life that she knew she deserved and that she wanted.

She asked me to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day. There are no words to express this moment. The feeling of pride … momentus. When she decides to do something, she does it. Damn any obstacles that arise; she slays them.

I am incredibly proud of her and feel incredibly blessed to have her in my life, still. She is a strong, intelligent and driven woman. She is someone that I admire and respect. And she is my child; the universe truly conspired to give her to me, knowing it wasn't my path to birth my own.

And, I love her. And I am grateful to her for never giving up on me.

Happy Birthday beautiful girl! I love you!

❤️🙏🏻

Forgiveness

I need to forgive someone from my childhood, a male, that I knew before I was fourteen. I’m just not sure who. If it is someone I have already forgiven, then I need to manifest the forgiveness in the physical world and not just in my mind. So, this is it. 

I am grateful for every experience in my life, good and bad, because they have lead me here. I am grateful to every person that has been a part of each experience, because they have brought me here. 

I believe that I chose my life’s lessons prior to my birth. I believe that we all do. We are here to learn and to grow towards enlightenment and lightness of being. We are here to transcend the physical planes of existence. To do that, we must experience and we must learn. 

My childhood was traumatic. As a result of the trauma, I have compartmentalised and boxed away a lot of memories. I saw a lot of violence. I heard a lot of violence. I received violence. Physical, emotional and sexual. I was easy prey; the oldest of three girls born in a time when men believed, still, that women were property and children were toys. 

I forgive those that perpetrated the violence. I forgive them because I understand that I chose those experiences. I wanted to learn what it was like to be a child victim, and I wanted to survive it and create a beautiful life for myself. I wanted to heal so that I could shine a light for others. 

I forgive the perpetrators because they were doing as I requested, so that I could learn and benefit. I forgive them because I also volunteered to be the victim for them to be able to learn their lessons. I pray that they have. 

And I forgive them because I am whole and I am happy. My life is open and my life is full. I am a successful businesswoman. I am a successful teacher. I am a successful writer. I am a successful healer. I am a successful friend, daughter, mother, aunt, sister, and every other label I choose to wear. I am a traveller, in this world and through many others. I read, I love, I learn, I do. 

So, to all of those that have wronged me, I say thank you. I forgive your unkindness, your brutality, you. Yes, I forgive you. 

And I acknowledge that I lost the ability to mother my own child, to have successful and healthy intimate relationships, to trust unconditionally, to not feel betrayal. But I also acknowledge, that in the light of day, I have gained more than I have lost. 

For I have been a mother many times already, I have married the love of my life in many lifetimes, I have trusted, I trust again, and I feel blessed, honoured and loved by the universal mother and father. This life continues to offer me riches and incredibly beautiful people to share my riches with. 

I forgive all who have ‘wronged’ me, and I say thank you to them for enabling and empowering the creation of this moment in time. Which is perfect. 

๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป

The Healing Planย 

I am watching Dolores Cannon talking about Quantum Healing Hypnosis after an intense day of Sound Healing study following a four day migraine where I mostly slept and listened to Game of Thrones (finally joining the club and yes, I love it). 

I spoke about my healing sessions in the US with both Nancie and Suzanne. Nancie unlocked a few boxes, Suzanne unlocked different ones and provided me with a framework. My intent became to heal myself from everything that has unbalanced me at my soul level during my first forty six years. Just a small task ๐Ÿ˜ณ. 

Anyway, Dolores said that if our brains are strong enough to let us get sick/make ourselves sick, then it is strong enough to heal us. Agreed. But, how. How do we heal ourselves? 

First, we need to determine the root issue. This could include a past life trauma that needs to be resolved. Or just this life time’s traumas. Man, this voice is not wholly mine. Anyway, moving on after acknowledging that … the past life stuff is difficult. Dolores has passed but has trained many people in her practice. I’ve contacted one close to me to enquire about costs. I’ll have to save. I’m curious. 

The only real knowledge I have of my past lives has come through recurring dreams. Persecuted for my beliefs in many of those. My last life though, I have been told, was lived in Brittany, France as a nun. As a child, I was obsessed with this part of France. And then, Gaugain’s Breton Girl. So, to me, this past life is plausible. 

This life time’s trauma, whose, where do I start. Lol. 

I start with the notion that all of this life time’s trauma was my conscious choice before birth (and yes, I do believe this). I have always accepted that I put my hand up for these lessons. Where I hadn’t extended that thought and idea, Suzanne helped me qualify. I was the CEO in my boardroom but I also existed as a participant in the boardrooms of others. I put my hand up to assist them in learning their lessons as much as I had them volunteer to teach me mine. 

This was an ah-ha moment for me. 

Our tribes enable and empower us to learn, as much as we enable and empower them to learn. The focus isn’t on the trauma but on the value of the lesson that we learn. This life I chose to be a victim as a child, to survive it and to release it (this part is a work in progress). But, I also chose to have power – as a teacher, as a friend, as a human. 

I once victimised a spider. I am not proud of this. I was at my dad’s house and there was a huntsman. I’m really not proud of this. I took a can of bug spray and I sprayed it. It didn’t die quickly. I could have put it out of its misery, but I didn’t. I watched it die, mesmerised by its body in the throes of an excruciating death. It was only when I realised what I had done, and done callously, that I felt anything real and humane. 

I don’t use bug spray and huntsmans are always welcome in my home. I learned. I felt the spider’s pain, and I decided to never inflict that callous disregard for life on anything again. I was already a vegetarian, which makes it worse. But I needed to learn that lesson. 

Power is a great feeling. To have that control over something else is amazing. But, power abused causes you your own pain. Ultimately, victims and abusers all need to heal. Understanding the need for that power is possibly the key. Maybe I needed to empathise with my abusers. And, maybe not. 

Today in one of the sessions I was struck by a thought. For a few weeks I have thought that I need to heal the feelings of betrayal arising from the acts of betrayal I endured as a child. Endured? Pfft. Suffered. The cyclical nature of healing hit me. Betrayal is how I felt and internalised the events but trust was the deeper issue, the flip side of you like. 

So, as much as I work on resolving the notion of betrayal, I must do that in the light of trust. I need to trust that I chose my path, that the universe (or God or whatever you label the source) will provide the tools I need for learning, that it will never force me to endure more than I can, and that equally, the universe will provide me with the tools required for healing. 

Seriously, if you’ve stick with me to now, you deserve a medal. I’m going to post and then re-read. It all makes sense in my head. 

Peeling Back The Layersย 

It has always frustrated me that I can’t lose the extra weight I carry. I assumed that I had resolved my core issue that resulted in the extra padding/weight/protection. I have forgiven my ‘abusers’ and have created a loving, full and blessed life. So, why does the weight stay? 

And, no. It isn’t as easy as exercise and diet. I’ve done those things and get to a point and nothing more. It’s not as simple as that. My body is holding on to something more … something is not resolved and it keeps me holding on to the weight. 

My healing sessions with N and S in Minnesota have enabled me to pull some layers back and I think I’ve worked it out. 

Yes, I’ve resolved the abuse, most of it. But the root effect of the abuse, of the trauma, of all of those childhood experiences, and the lesson that keeps being presented to me in a myriad of guises, my whole adult life, focuses on betrayal

One word. It is my lesson. Resolving this will be a process. The first step is acknowledging it. I have sat with this word for over a week now (yes, it’s taken that long for the first step). I have thought about the different times that I have felt betrayed. I have been collecting them. 

I need to go back into each of them. I need to feel the pain of each incident again. And then I need to rewrite those scripts. And then I need to send each one away from me, creatively. Another book idea?! Crikeys. 

Maybe. 

Maybe not. 

I feel very empowered. I feel that I am in ownership (how deluded is that lol) of my choices and of my life. I am no longer a complete pawn in this game. I have the power to change the way I see the world, my world. 

I also know that without taking this year away from my classroom, this growth would not have been empowered. I would not have taken the time to heal me. The investigation rocked me completely but was also so necessary for me to heed the signs that I wasn’t living authentically any more. My life has been ready to evolve for a long time; I just wasn’t brave enough to trust that I would be okay. 

Watch this space if you’re interested in this healing journey. 

Part Three of Three

And so, after four nights with L I left Minnesota. And a part of my heart was left with my two friends, and many new friends. Minnesotans are beautiful people with gorgeous accents; everyone was so friendly. Minnesota is an undervalued resource in US tourism. 

Apart from a groin anomaly resulting in a serious pat down when I went through airport security, leaving was physically easy. Emotionally – meh. 

After S’s session the day before and my couple of sessions with N, inspiration hit like a tidal wave on the way to Las Vegas, and I was able to brainstorm a healing routine for reprogramming our personal grids. I will apply it to myself and a couple of friends before using it with others but I think I’m onto a winner. Watch this space ๐Ÿ˜‰

Arriving in Las Vegas at 9.30 in the morning was an experience. The airport is massive and requires walking through slot machines to get to the tram that takes you to your baggage carousel. I grinned the entirety. I imagine after arriving the first time, the airport experience would lose its magick. 

I organized a shuttle to the hotel as well as my return trip. Too easy. My first glimpse of the hotel was exciting. And my room was ready. I checked in easily and fast. New York New York is the hotel to stay at for a mid range traveller. Everything is there or close to it. 

I unpacked my bags and went downstairs for food before returning to Jerry Springer. I love Jerry. So sad that he no longer screens on Australian TV. I also love Steve and was happy to follow Jerry with his show. Then Maury. Lol. 

I ran into the bride and groom in the hotel later that day. I didn’t realize how overwhelmed I was with the change in tone between where I had come from and Las Vegas until I spewed negativity onto N and A. I had been so excited to see them too – way to greet them. Still shaking my head in disbelief. Needless to say, it was a very early night for Tina. 

Tattoo Day started with breakfast and a change in Tina’s attitude for the bride and groom. N, god bless her soul, recalled how overwhelming her first day in Las Vegas had been and was very forgiving. And then it was time to go to Pussykat Tattoo Parlour to meet Riley and receive our new tattoos. Exciting. Beyond exciting. An amazing experience. 


Shopping and lunch with N, our now characteristic frivolity followed by moments of intense conversation, a night out with the girls and Wedding Day arrived. 

I was just so excited to be there and to be part of it, the day just flew. I was feeling ill so napped for a chunk of it before getting ready and going to N’s room to assist her and her now SIL (and my new bestie hehe). 

A wonderful ceremony, so much fun and if I ever get married, Elvis in Las Vegas will be the way to go. Photos at the Neon Light Museum and dinner at the Peppermill. On the way back to the hotel, our driver drove past the Bellagio fountain works – amazing. I understood then, if we are supposed to experience things in life the opportunity will present itself. Be open and be receptive and say yes and all will be fine. 

A wonderful but late night, especially with a 5am start for me on Friday for my trip to the Grand Canyon. 

Which was amazing. A stop at Hoover Dam, lunch in Tuseyan and the afternoon at the Grand Canyon. Photos do not do the experience justice and I’m quite sure words won’t come close either. 

I could feel the Canyon throbbing, hear the ancestral voices buzzing, and sense the power, spiritual and physical, soaring through the Canyon. So many people but small spots where I could just soak it in. I was so grateful that I had booked this. So grateful to experience it. So blessed to have worked hard to be there. And so humbled by the awareness that us humans are the smallest (yet most destructive) cogs in the machine that is the universe. 

Wow. 

โ€‹โ€‹
I am always in a state of learning. I learn from everything and every place. I think this is why travel and exploration are so important to me. The experiences inspire and enable learning. 

Las Vegas, which I did fall in love with, offered me very valuable lessons. 

1. Always search beyond the surface because magick exists everywhere. 

2. Liking something is a choice. 

3. Every place offers connection, we just need to be open to it. 

4. I am one of the luckiest people alive to live the life that I am living. This gap year/mid life crisis was scary but necessary. I never expected it would be such an amazing journey so quickly. 

And then, time to leave. I flew to LAX from Las Vegas, picking up random people along the way, exchanging emails, and preparing for the long flight ahead. 

On the way to the US I had three seats to myself. I was too something within myself to make the most of this. On the way home though, when faced with three seats, I lay down and slept a little. I owned the gift the universe provided without reservation and with honour. I am deserving of good things. It is more than okay to receive. And I choose for my existence to continue to be blessed. 

Bring on the next forty years of this life. 

Oh, and as we traversed Route 66 on the way to the Canyon, I knew I would be back, within five years, to road trip it. Not my dream but a friend’s, and one that I will help her realise. 

Bring on the planning I say. 

Eagle Soaring

There are three bald eagles living here. They live in a variety of birch trees throughout the woods surrounding the lake. Every morning one sits in a tree just down from us and scrutinises the lake. 

I was sitting on the dock this morning watching it. Suzanne and Lynn were with me. We were talking about other worlds. 

I am feeling very zen. I have for a few months now. Occasionally I have anxiety over money but I acknowledge it and turn my energy towards manifesting it. There are more clients than I can handle on my own. I might expand sooner rather than later. 

We went walking through the adjoining woods towards the eagle’s tree. Peace. Quiet. Life. 

There is a strong wind today. Rain had been forecast. Apart from Friday night there has been no sign. Perfect days following perfect nights.

Yesterday was about healing. All of us here are healers in some form. Nine witches; ten when next door’s Lyn pops in. We each sat in the centre of the larger group. I was so reluctant to receive; this is the thing I am currently working on. 

I had two therapeutic massages during the week. They were incredible experiences; healing that filled and realigned my chakras. My solar plexus chakra was larger than it should be, forcing my heart chakra to decrease in size. Whilst it was in perfect function, it couldn’t expand. I feel that that has been corrected. 

Coming to the cabin was exactly what was required. Silence and stillness to restore my equilibrium. 

And so we went to the woods. I am sure that the faerie folk spoke to me. Cheeky smiles and winks beckoning me forward. 

When I came back and sat on the dock, the eagle was soaring. The tide is higher and so I stood. A long car trip in a wet dress – too zen for me ๐Ÿ˜‰. I am sure that the eagle spoke to me. Yes, this trip, an innocent catch up with friends and a wedding, is turning out to be a turning point. 

A massive shift is occurring for me. If I remain open, life will continue to transform. I am continually reminded that each of our lives is filled with great potential, if we allow it. I am reminded that the difference between happiness and sadness, and any other binary opposition, is a single choice. We are all powerful beyond measure and exist as part of a much larger system. 

We are so blessed to live at a time of huge transition for our world, as we know it. We, together, can create the next one. 

Beauty.