Excitement

I have a weekly doctor’s appointment at the moment to keep an eye on my blood pressure. The last couple of times it’s been measured it has been 170 over 115. One week of medication, at the lightest dose, and it is down to 150 over 95. One week! I am excited. And with my dietary changes, I just feel so much better. 

I feel like I am on the right path. 

And it isn’t just the diabetes and blood pressure. 

This year, my gap year, was taken to explore opportunities and options, something I don’t have time to encourage within myself when working in my permanent full-time position. 

Already, I have realised how much of the world there is to explore when you aren’t committed to a permanent full time position. Life is different when lived in balance. And very different when you are doing things that inspire you. 

I don’t know exactly when teaching became work for me. I used to love it; I would jump out of bed in the morning excited to go to work. I can’t remember the last period of time that I consistently felt this way. Probably when I was working in CAPA, but even then, the hours were killing my life. 

Anyway, kinesiology is a modality that I have felt a pull towards for a long while. I’ve been researching courses. I want to be close to home so have focused on the Southern Highlands. This afternoon I spoke to the teacher of said course, and as I was speaking to her, listening to her, I began to understand the pull I’ve felt. 

The point being, trusting these pulls towards certain things this year is opening my world in a way I never dreamed possible. 

I have my Sound Healing course. I am attending a writing conference. I am seeing Elkhart Tolle. I am travelling. I am writing. I am building my business. I’m socialising with friends and family regularly. And soon, I will commence my studies in Neuro Training and Kinesiology. 

I am just so excited this afternoon. 

Life is good. 

And, it is good because I am making it so. I am controlling what I do. I am transforming my life. I wasn’t happy with the lack of balance and I’m correcting it. It’s not always easy but I’m doing it. And I’m loving it. 

I wish the same for everyone. 

A Thoughtful Week

Generally, when I go quiet here it is for one of two reasons: flat out or processing something big. 

This week I have been processing. I have also had a cold, then gastro, and then a migraine (which is still here but permitting some function finally). 

Since finishing IVF a couple of years ago, and after my miscarriage, I have had ongoing issues with my menstrual cycle. Prior to fertility treatments, my cycle was regular as clockwork (with only a couple of exceptions in like thirty years).  Since finishing IVF I have experienced two runs of menhorragia (abnormal bleeding) with my last run of bleeding lasting from September last year through to February this year, virtually every day. 

As a result, I went to see a new doctor and he referred me for full blood work. The results came back to me on Monday. 

My iron, expectedly, is low. My sugars are high. My blood pressure continues to be high. 

I’ve been diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. A bit of a shock on Monday and it has taken some processing. I’m on meds for both now, hence gastro. 

It is reversible and I will reverse it. 

I hadn’t mentioned it here, but last year I attended an information session regarding weight loss surgery. I actioned my health insurance and had my initial consultation with Dr Zarrouk last week. I also booked in the surgery for later this year. 

With lifestyle changes and the surgery, my diabetes is entirely reversible. 

I’m okay with it; it is the kick in the pants that I needed. 

However, the diagnosis also forced me to track my journey to this point. And, as a result, I’ve had to focus on some negative things that cause shame (stupidly). 

There is family history of diabetes and hypertension, so I should always have been more proactive regarding prevention. 

I’ve had to revisit why I wasn’t. I don’t feel sorry for myself but I felt the need to acknowledge how I got here. I asked myself why I emotionally eat, when did it start, why did it start, why did it continue, when don’t I emotionally eat, why, etcetera etcetera. 

Childhood trauma, shame, silence, inability to form healthy relationships, poor life choices, work related stress, being empathic, alcohol, experimentation with drugs, self harm and suicidal tendencies, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, putting others’ needs first, failed IVF, failed fostering, and the list could go on. I don’t emotionally eat when I travel; travel equals happiness and comfort in my own skin. I like me when I travel. 

And as an emotional eater, last year was a horrendous year for me. Diet and exercise just didn’t factor into my choices; anxiety reigned supreme and getting through each day became an achievement. 

I’m an intelligent person. I could have prevented this. But I didn’t. And as a result, I’ve had to work through feelings of shame and fear all over again. Ridiculous, really. 

And I do trust that things happen when they are meant to. So I haven’t cried over this and I’m alright with the diagnosis. For real. 

I’ve modified my diet. I’ve read heaps. I’ve thought heaps. I’m taking my medication. I’m making appointments. 

I know I will beat this. 

My mum was diagnosed similarly at my age and she reversed it with diet and psychological strength. I’m her daughter; I will achieve the same. 

I am regarding this as a continuation of the wake up call I had already given to myself. And, as affirmation that the surgery decision was the right one to make. 

This year for transformation really is becoming a year of transformation. 

I’m blessed, really. 

Living Your Best Life 

I ran a successful workshop a few weeks ago. Yesterday we had a catch up to see how everyone was going. It brought to light something I have learned in my quest to live my best life. 

Last November I made the decision to drop to part time for this year, and ultimately in December, decided it needed to be all or nothing, so took most of this year as leave without pay. The day I made this decision I sat with it before I informed my boss. By the end of the day I was ecstatic. 

I sat in this happiness until January. In January, anxiety set in about money. I kept moving forward, acknowledging the fear but not bowing down to it. This fear has since passed and I know that I was right to not return to work this year. My time in Western Australia has reassured me that I am on the best path for me. 

I am at peace and trusting that all will be provided when I need it. I am loving my life. I am living with minimal stress and happier than I remember ever being. 

However, as my catch up highlighted, living your best life is a journey, a process, and there will be glitches, moments of doubt, and fear at times. And this is all okay. It is also okay if your journey has no complications or glitches or doesn’t move as fast as someone else’s. 

Every journey, every process, is unique. Even within your own life. 

The important thing is to acknowledge the glitch, manoeuvre through it, and to keep going. Moving forward is vital to the success of living your best life. Availing yourself of opportunities for support is also vital. 

Take a deep breath, take some time out, re-evaluate the steps, and when you’re ready, keep moving forward. 

It will be worth it, I promise. 

Standing in my Truth 

I am home. I have slept most of today after a delayed flight and two hours of very disjointed sleep on the plane. And possibly, probably, after a massive and very transformational week in Western Australia. 

Man. Today, I can feel the shift deep within me. There is a sense that life has changed for me. I am owning, claiming, who I am and the power inherent in that. Today, I am standing in my truth. And it brings with it an organic trust that I will be okay. 

I am powerful. 

My arrival in Perth was a whirlwind experience; straight from the airport to breakfast to Mel’s and a workshop for us and Mel’s cousin. We opened with the I Am writing activity, the creation of personal affirmations and a clay manifestation of the intent for us. My affirmation, I am powerful. 

The days that followed provided opportunities for me to manifest this. More importantly, I met some incredible humans who enabled me to manifest this. And, this growth was consolidated yesterday when on two separate occasions, two groups of strong women stood in a circle of power around Mel’s lotus in meditation and manifestation. The power generated was palpable. 

Women, working together, rise together. The sense of community generated when women commune fuels the Goddess’ compassion in action. Women become buoyed and supported, inspired to reclaim what has always been their’s; their destinies. 

Between my experiences in India and Western Australia, I know this to be true. And I can feel another shift in my ever emerging business plan. I know the direction I am moving, and I embrace it. 

Bring on the best seller so that Rocky Point becomes a reality lol. 

What a difference a day makes … or six 

I leave Western Australia tonight for home. Molly, Max and Sammy wait for me there, as does a different path. A path that will require ritual, nurturing and above all else, patience. 

I trust that I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this moment in time. 

When I arrived last Thursday, Mel and I created a mini workshop to complete with her cousin. The workshop involved affirming, I Am, and a manifestation of this through clay. It set the tone for the days that followed. I was open and excited to experience the opportunities that lay in wait. 

A huge thank you and bounteous gratitude to my buddy, Mel. She provided opportunities to try new things, meet many new people, see different places, and welcomed me into her life. I have met many people who are living their creative paths wholly. This has inspired and empowered me. Our friendship has grown because we have navigated hurdles with grace and honesty. I adore her, her beautiful family and her wonderful friends, many of whom welcomed me willingly into their worlds. 

What a trip! 

What a beautiful state; Australia’s best kept secrets reside here in WA. Such beauty and virtually untouched landscape. Whole foods abound – choice is vital for a healthy lifestyle – and regular commune with the divine is inevitable, consciously or not. 

I will return home, somewhat healed, refreshed, open and trusting. 

Forgiveness is a process. Trust is a process. But the return from both when given is monumental. A freedom of spirit and an enthusiasm for life that is unrivalled in the journey of personal growth, and fulfilling life goals and dreams. 

My life, since commencing my fertility treatments in the hope of conceiving and carrying and nurturing a child all of those years ago, has been frenetic and painful, but has landed me here. And here is pretty awesome. Renewed hope, renewed faith, renewed dreams and goals. 

What a privileged path and blessed journey. 

Namaste. 

Feeling the Forces of Change

When I sat with my Principal towards the end of last year and told him that I needed to take leave this year, he said that he didn’t think I would be back. I replied that I thought I would be; I just needed a rest, and time to heal from the trauma and anxiety that the investigation had triggered. I am due to start back in my full time substantive position in the first week of December. 

Last night I started to look for shop assistant employment in my local area. 

Yep. 

There was nothing. 

This morning I drew an oracle card that told me to trust the universe. What I need will be there when it is time. So I am trusting the unknown. And I am good with that. 

I no longer feel anger towards all that encompassed the investigation. I accept that in the eyes of policy, my actions should not have been delayed, and I forgive myself for my tardiness and perceived wrongdoing. I also accept the divide between policy and humanity, and understand why policy is important. As a result, I forgive those that lied to the investigators when they were questioned, and I forgive all involved for the behaviours and choices that resulted in the investigation in the first place. 

Importantly, I understand that it needed to unfold the way that it did so that I could grow and prioritise my health/life. I was not looking after my needs and had stopped looking after my needs a long time ago. 

In the chain of events of my life, I was still healing from my miscarriage, resolving many failed IVF attempts, and coming to terms with a necessarily intrusive foster carer process. A process that I felt that I failed because my answers were not deep enough for the assessors yet I had nothing more. 

My needs – the basic needs of love, security and health – were not being met by me. I had let them go. I had not been nurturing myself, my relationships, or my life outside of work. There was no balance, and I was suffering but caught on a treadmill without brakes that moved faster and faster.

The investigation was the brakes. This devastating trauma and anxiety forced me to stop, pause and then question EVERYTHING. I fell apart, bits of me lying everywhere. India started the process of picking the pieces up and I gathered them in my arms. 

And then I decided to put me first. 

And now I am here. 

And I don’t want to teach anymore. 

I want a different life. 

I am walking forward, in trust, that I will walk where I will serve myself and this world best. 

Living Your Best Life 

I was blessed to run my first workshop for this year this morning. I felt in my heart, as I designed the program, that it was a good one. My participants today ensured that it was. 

I keep thinking that I will run these programs online, and I can, but what will be missing is that personal, real life interaction between people as they share their stories in the process of reclaiming themselves. The program will still work but what I love most is watching the emotions and ah-ha moments on participants’ faces. Online wouldn’t have that same intimacy. 

Magick. 

I learn too. I think that in our society today, we have lost the ability to really connect with others through storytelling. Watching my participants support each other this morning was beautiful. We are all experts in different fields and when we come together, well quite frankly, the world becomes a better place. 

To succeed, to reclaim our selves, we need to be fearless, even for twenty seconds, to take the risk and jump. 

I love this work. 

I need to learn how to effectively market my product. I truly believe many would benefit. I need to make this a reality. That’s my next goal. Lol. Adding to the list. 

Big love and big thanks to my participants. 

Self-Publishing???

So, part of my plan this year is to chronicle my gap year/mid life crisis, and create a book about what I learn/gain and how all of this manifests in my life. 

I have started writing it but need to really get stuck into it. To motivate myself, I started looking at publishing and publishers. Obviously, Hay House would be most suitable but they don’t look at unsolicited scripts. Balboa Publishing is a subsidiary of Hay House, focusing on self-publishing. 

I received a call from them this morning. And, I felt pressured. 

Recently, I fell victim to a Pay Pal scam and foolishly gave my information – a moment of stupidity – and purchases were charged to my bank account. Fortunately, I felt that I’d been scammed and was checking the account every day, so the money was refunded to me by my bank and all of my details were changed before too much damage was done. In fact, it is only inconvenience without damage. 

So you can imagine, as I started to feel pressure, I started googling reviews. They read out the terms of payment prior to you giving your bank details and they were intense. I asked for them in writing prior to handing over my details and have a stay of execution until tomorrow morning. Most reviews are great but there are some that concerned me. 

I have signed up for a Hay House Writer’s Course in Sydney instead. The course talks about publishing. I have also googled agents. I have found one that sounds and feels right. I will make initial phone contact. 

Moral of the story: don’t jump when lots of money is involved. Do the research. Look for alternatives. See if it still fits. If so, continue jumping. 

I can always go back to Balboa. Realistically, the book won’t even be finished until January next year at the earliest. 

Reemergence of the Writer

The longer I am on leave, the more I feel the writer coming back to me. She is deep down inside me, peeking out occasionally to see if it is safe to come out. The desire to sit for hours, lost in the world created by words, enchants and calls to me. 

I love my business ideas. I miss my classroom. But I am really starting to feel the potential of writing. 

It is what I wanted to do from as early as being able to make letters and read sounds. 

I have always had excuses, some legitimate. 

Maybe this time is really about developing this. 

Maybe I need to breathe and stop trying to control my transition lol. 

The Representation of Weight

Whilst I was in India, my different selves started to integrate. As a result of the wonderful and beautiful women around me, I started to see myself through eyes other than my own. What was being reflected through them wasn’t any different to what my friends and family say here, at home, but maybe I was just ready to really hear it or because it came from people who didn’t know me, it was easier to hear. Maybe a combination of both. 

I stopped wearing make up, liked how I felt in my own skin, could see beauty in and through me. 

I have battled with my weight my entire adult life. As a child and teenager I was told, continually, that I was overweight. I believed the words. 

My sisters were thin, blonde and continually told how pretty they were. I was darker and not quite as thin, a different shape, and allegedly not pretty. I never questioned whether I was pretty. I just thought I wasn’t. I was smart and I focused on that. 

When I left home for university, far from home, I started processing the trauma of my childhood, and weight started to come, mostly to protect myself and comfort myself. I still wasn’t massive in real terms but I believed I was. Our brains are powerful instruments that allow us to believe the information we feed it. 

As a teacher, I think this is the main motivation in me not permitting, empowering, enabling kids to put others down. I have no tolerance for bullying and pride myself on kids feeling safe in my presence. I’m sure there are exceptions but mostly … 

Teaching really empowered my wit to develop. Before I went to India, I believed I was intelligent, shy, unattractive and hilarious. Coming home from India, I believed I was intelligent, hilarious, not shy and beautiful. Quite a mind/perception transformation. 

Like with any massive change, there is always processing time when your world is turned inside out and you become sad/scared/insert appropriate word here, and find yourself challenged. 

My weight is that for me in terms of beauty. After all, society and media continually tell women that beauty comes in a specific package. Forty plus years of low self-esteem with regards to beauty is very difficult to overcome. My brain believes I am beautiful but my eyes see weight. Interestingly, I don’t see my dreads or tattoos detracting from my beauty, or my glasses. It’s all about the weight, in all likelihood, my only flaw 😉. 

In March last year I attended an information session with Dr Zarrouk in Park Central with a close friend. That night I became sold on the Gastrectomy Surgery (cutting part of the stomach out to inhibit food consumption). I checked out my insurance the next day and changed my plan. 

Not for one second have I doubted this surgery choice. I have tried a lot of diets. The most successful was the Juice Reboot but I couldn’t sustain the diet (not healthy to do so) and the weight gradually came back. This has been the story of my adult life. Even with relentless exercise and healthy eating, I just can’t/don’t sustain any loss. 

This year, the surgery is on my to-do list. I see it as my outer starting to reflect my inner, and my selves integrating physically. 

I think it is important though, to acknowledge  that my mind has shifted. When I look at photos of myself, I am not repulsed. I used to be. I don’t necessarily adore the extra weight but I also no longer have an unhealthy attachment to it or focus on it (outside of this post lol). I no longer see it as the totality of me, it is just an aspect of myself that I am going to change. 

I do have a little bit of ‘something’ lingering that I am working through, where I wish I could do it without surgery, but I also know that whilst I can, I can’t sustain it. It’s almost like a shame I feel that I have let my weight defeat me. Completely illogical. And nonsensical. Ridiculous even. And possibly attached to the remnants of sexual and physical abuse memories – ghosts that need to be put to bed entirely. 

A lot of me though, the rest of me, is excited about a new potential for my life. An integrated, empowered, strong, resilient, beautiful woman standing in her truth, inspiring others to do the same. 

Yep, that sums it up.