Saying Yes – Listening to the Universe

And, they did. I found this in my Facebook News Feed at the end of 2016. It popped up in my Memories yesterday. If it resonated in 2016, it reverberated throughout my entire soul yesterday.

Today is the last day of the year that has transformed my life and brought me back to me. It came after many years of pain. Recovering from sexual and physical abuse, miscarriage and failed IVF cycles, issues at work culminating in The Investigation, and massive work bringing myself back to my path to learn the lessons I came here to learn.

When I reflect on the year I have had, it wouldn’t have become possible without one word.


Come to India? Yes.

Embrace India? Yes.

Meet new people? Yes.

Cruise to Tassie? Yes.

Roll down a hill. Yes.

Travel to see the people you met in india? Yes.

Snorkelling? Yes.

Stay with my family? Yes.

Accept this healing massage? Yes.

Come to the cabin with witches? Yes.

Look for UFOs? Yes.

Come to my wedding in Las Vegas? Yes.

See the Grand Canyon? Yes.

Sound Healing in Katoomba? Yes.

Past Life Regression? Yes.

Soul Tribe expansion? Yes.

Hay House Writers Workshop? Yes.

Uluru? Yes.

Road Trip? Yes.

Cambodia? Yes.

Room with me? Yes.

Vietnam? Yes.

Book Proposal? Yes.

Start a business? Yes.

Tutor my child? Yes.

Expand your heart? Yes.

Be insanely happy? Yes.

Forge a new path forwards? Yes.

Set new goals and intentions? Yes.

Continue your own healing? Yes.

Demartini session? Yes.

Red Tent group? Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I listened, really listened, and made the choice to say yes to opportunity this year. Saying yes has made the difference.

Was I scared? Fuck, yes, I was scared. But, man, that fear, acknowledging it, doing it all anyway, has changed my life. I’m living with passion again. The passion I once possessed for teaching has grown into a passion for living.

My desire to give has returned. I have developed appropriate boundaries by saying YES to putting my needs first. I no longer give from a position of lack.

I have new goals. Vietnam in 2018. Machu Picchu in 2018. Sound Healing practitioner in 2018. Finish and publish my book in 2018.

Longer term: become a multimillionaire so that I can provide my healing services to women who are disconnected, surviving domestic violence, for free. I want to empower people to live their own best life, whatever that might look like, and I want to be able to do that without worrying about paying my bills. I also want to move to the ocean on acreage and live with my people close by. And, I want chickens. And probably more dogs or cats or cows or horses. I want an ark. Tina’s Ark.

I intend continuing to say yes to what feels right, and no to what doesn’t fit my values system. That has worked to this point.

Thank you to the word YES. Thank you to bravery. Thank you to everything and everyone that has brought me to this point.

Massive changes for me in my perception of what is possible.

The Difficulty in Receiving

The hardest thing about not having, is being open to receiving and believing you are worthy of receiving.

Anyone who knows me, knows how much I struggle to receive. Give me a gift, or offer to pay for something, and watch my face screw up as I writhe in my own discomfort.

I have always been this way; however, it has only been during the latter stages of this year that I have owned it, articulated it and explored it deeply. As a result, I’m working on changing it.

This attitude has emerged from an imbalanced perception I hold of my worth in this world. I know that I am a good person. I know that I am also a bad person (if we are talking in binary opposites, and apparently, this morning, I am lol).

I have entrenched the belief that I am unworthy of receiving. The ‘universe’ functions in a state of complete balance at all times, hence my binary opposites. So, logically, it also holds that I am completely worthy of receiving.

I don’t embody this because my perception has become imbalanced. I was fed a narrative as a child that I internalised and continued to write for myself, without ever fact checking. I am worthy as much as I am unworthy. I just am.

I have done the same with money. Obviously, my savings went this year, travelling and living and paying bills. I am happier than I have ever been, but/and I am living on very little. However, whilst I don’t need much to live, I want more because (and I needed to work this out – I’ve always believed money is at the root of all evil) I want to be in a stronger position to give to others.

I want to be able to subsidise and donate healing and workshops to disenfranchised women and girls, to empower them to live their best lives. At the moment, I cannot afford to do that because I am operating from a misperception of lack.

I need to open to receive to be able to achieve. I’ve become Dr Zeus’s lol.

My head is buzzing this morning. I need to Demartini some of my money triggers/memories to bring them back to neutral.

As a young child, I received a desk and books for Christmas. My sisters received dolls and toys. I initially felt betrayed by my parents. I wanted pretty nice things too. I felt different and angry. However, those gifts propelled my learning forward.

Reading taught me grammar and gave me imagination. It ultimately empowered me to write and escape a dysfunctional home for hours on end. The desk enabled me to do my homework and study, inspiring solid results at school, enabling me entry to university, escape from home, a career that has been fulfilling and that ultimately, paved the way and provided for me during my year away from it.

It was as it should be. Whilst I felt that I lacked, this was an imbalanced perception. I was being supported at the same time. Yes, I wanted what my sisters received, but I was ultimately happier with my gifts. Balance.

Meh. Welcome to my brain. It rarely stops lol.

I am working on receiving without fear, without cringing, without guilt. This is one of my intentions for now and into the new year.

What are your intentions?

New Skills 😳

I have spent the majority of today, to this point, creating a new website for my healing business, Akashic Healing.

Oh my gosh! It’s been a monumental task. I will definitely be leaving my professional writer’s website to the professionals.

Having said that, I’m mostly happy with the result. As I learn more, it will more closely resemble what I would like it to look like and do.

Until you try something new, like learning a foreign language (aka building a website) you have no idea what your potential is. I have a newfound respect for anyone that gets technology.

My head has a dull ache and I haven’t eaten in hours. I became absolutely consumed. An hour and a half passed in minutes before I even cared to try to get the remote back from the dog. Didn’t ultimately bother; he sensed my intention and cheekily took off, remote wedged firmly in mouth.

I’ll get it soon enough. It’s a battle of attrition when he gets the remote. His patience is growing; he used to give up after half an hour. Now, like me, he can wait hours before giving up. Thank god, he hasn’t taught the puppy this trick.

Beyond the website and the remote, I also spent some time teaching myself how to use Sparks to create advertising for my tutoring business (January Study Skills sessions).

I think they look great, but I started in Illustrator (another foreign language) then to Photoshop before liking Sparks. I’m almost fifty; technology and I are not great mates. We are slowly growing in our relationship, but realistically, only out of necessity.

What a learning day! Hard work. Time to wrestle Max for the remote – he muted the sound hours ago and I’m now ready to numb my brain.

Akashic Healing

Values, Judgement and Empowerment

Every single one of us has the power to make a difference to other people, thereby changing our world. In every second, we have this power, whether we see it or not.

I try to use this power for good. I don’t always succeed, but more often than not, I think I might.

I’m a little addicted to social media when I have free time. I read a lot of articles and a lot of posts. I love reading the comments. However, sometimes they also challenge me. People can be very aggressive and very unthinking in their responses (yes, I mean unthinking instead of unthoughtful). I try to think carefully before I respond; sometimes I initially misinterpret the intent of a comment. If I responded without thinking, I could cause pain to someone by minimising them. I do not like doing this to other people.

I think we should all be a little more measured in our comments. And, in our thoughts and actions beyond the internet.

Something I have been practising learning since Uluru is my need to bash people with healing strategies. One of my core values is healing and the belief that we all should be striving to be the best we can be by healing what isn’t right within us. As a result, if you tell me something, I’ll go into Miss Fix-It mode and start healing you.

I am learning and trying to remember that sometimes, just sometimes lol, people don’t want a solution or pathway out, they just want to be heard. I am also learning that not everyone wants to be healed or is ready to start the process. I struggle with this too. It works against my values. But, I’m learning.

My values, upon last assessment, encompass healing/empowerment, learning and spirituality, and developing and strengthening my business practice.

By spending more time in the areas of my values, I am finding greater happiness and fulfilment in my life. They have also enabled and empowered me to learn better communication with others because I am more conscious of how my values impact my relationships with others.

We are not all the same. Understanding our differences empowers stronger relationships, fosters inner peace, and enables happiness. Understanding why we respond in certain ways enables us to be better friends and citizens, less judgemental and more open. In turn, this broadens our world and our experiences. Our lives and our selves become richer.

And, this can only be a good thing.

I worked my values out from the link below, using the worksheets that Peter has posted. It is something you might choose to do over the next couple of days.

All of the instructions are there and it is easy to do:


So, I keep saying follow your heart, jump and you’ll be okay, pausing my old life was the best thing I ever did, and things like those. But, how? How do we do this if we have kids, a mortgage, people to care for, no time, etc?

In small ways. Any change starts a ripple that could eventually turn into a tide of change. If that’s what you need.

I needed to jump. You may not need to or can’t. And, that’s okay.

I was feeling dead. I was just going through the motions of living. I was working long hours, coming home and watching mindless television or surfing the internet, getting sick all of the time, and sleeping most weekends. I was miserable. However, I was mostly competent at work (some inconsistencies in marking one task) and was putting on a brave face most of the time.

That’s not life. People comment now on my eyes. They have repeatedly said that my eyes have changed: they are alive, your eyes sparkle. Yes. Because I’m happy. Because I’m living.

It starts with one step.

1. What in your life brings you the least joy?

2. Write it all down, or say it out loud.

3. Are there things on that list that can be delegated and done by someone else (maybe not to the same quality, but well enough)? If so, delegate (at home AND at work). Is there anything you can just stop doing without the world self-destructing (maybe a cleaner once every six months to do the windows, or a cleaner every month to give you one weekend off, or a gardener or handyman occasionally to give you some time off)?

4. What things, that you already do, bring you the most joy?

5. What other things, that you don’t have time for, would you do if you had the time?

6. For the things you listed in 4 and 5, make a plan to do one of those things more or at least once during the next month. I’m not asking you to change your entire world overnight, just take small steps.

It could be as simple as getting up ten minutes earlier to stand outside with your face to the sun for five minutes before your day starts. It could be as complex as planning a camping trip or a weekend away in four weeks time, or for right now.

It is up to you. We are not machines. We do not have to live our lives without happiness and inspiration; it only takes one small change to change your perception of your world. Even if you feel happy enough, why not spend extra time doing something you really love to bring you a little extra joy.

It is Christmas, after all, and ’tis the season to be jolly falalalalala lalalala.

Merry Christmas Eve.

And, if you do try the above, drop me a line and let me know how you go. This is a mini version of a chapter in my new book (currently being written).

And remember, twenty seconds of courage. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Just stop making excuses. It’s your life, and it’s a short one. You deserve to live the way you want. Free your mind.

Thank you Paula Chalker for permission to use the image.

Deep Breaths

This time last year, I was excited by the potential of a new life. I was also absolutely terrified. That I wouldn’t have enough money. That I would fail. That I would be a hot mess for the entire year. That nothing would change. That I wouldn’t have enough money. That I wouldn’t have enough money. That I wouldn’t have enough –

You get the idea. More than all of that though, I was terrified I wouldn’t see it through. That everything would become too hard and I would just go back to what I knew. For the fourth time in my life, I had to jump, because if I didn’t, I knew I would be starving my life and my soul of something it needed, to breathe.

I think we know when we are hitting that point. We feel lost, stagnant, as if we are dying whilst we stand. We either become depressed or we change something. I had to change something.

So, I did.

From the outside, I guess it looks like I up and left my life. Big step. Lots of courage required. But, the truth is, I just put a pause on the life I lived. I created space to see what else my life could be. By doing this, I opened my life up, took the things I loved doing, and the space was there to do them.

I said yes to every opportunity, even if the opportunity was scary. I paused life as it was, and with it, I paused fear. As I’ve often said, twenty seconds of courage – acknowledge the fear, and then remind it that it isn’t driving the car (thanks, Liz Gilbert The Big Magic).

I have expanded. My life has expanded. I am happy.

At some point during the year, I let go of the fear of not enough money and really started to trust that I will always have enough. I am now working on becoming a multimillionaire within ten years, but that’s another story for another day. Especially as I face a January without income (or very little income because I will only receive what I generate for myself – and I’m cool with that. I think my bills are covered).

I have had many highlights this year. Many. I have been humbled beyond belief by the love that has opened within my life. I have been humbled by the growth of my business. I have been humbled by the sheer number of beautiful people and beautiful experiences I have encountered this year. I am in love with my life again. I am learning to see myself through the eyes of others, and loving who I am.

We create our lives. We create who we are. We create the potential and we create the lack of potential. We are in charge.

It might not be easy, but it’s easier than continuing to live a life that you don’t enjoy, and that is slowly killing your spirit and your happiness.

I am very poor. I am very happy. I needed to come to this point to embrace the riches I have, outside of money, so that the next chapters in my life generate both equally. Having money in a life not loved makes us rabid consumers and breaks our connection to who we authentically are. I am now living a life I love, it fuels trust that I will always be provided for, and generates the desire to earn more to enable the sharing of wealth with others.

It’s been an interesting year. The moment that best encapsulates it for me occurred very early on, during February, in Western Australia, when Mel taught me to snorkel.

Oh my. I still feel the fear, then the conquering of the fear as the cool water streamed past my face, stroking my cheeks, as my eyes opened to a whole other world under the surface of the water. It’s beauty caught my breath then, and holds it still.

What a wonderful life. What a wonderful world.

What will you do to create your best life?

Anniversaries and Endings

Today is the anniversary of my miscarriage. I feel it every year. This year has been no different. I am going to Demartini it before the next one.

Earlier this week, I decided I needed to do something for myself tonight to honour me and movement forward. I am attending a local Red Tent Women’s Circle. I’m nervous – new people and no idea what to expect – but it feels right and it’s about saying yes to every pull and every calling.

A short post. My head has been processing so much. I am going to be writing a series of reflection posts this coming week to make up for my absence.

Anyway, to all of the women I know and love, who have also endured baby loss, much love.

An Unfortunate Culture

I woke up this morning to my Facebook feed, as I do most mornings (this from a person who in the early nineties was never going to get the internet because only bad things could come – insert forehead slap here).

Van Badham, an Australian commentator, has shared an article about Don Burke’s predatory bullying and misogynistic behaviour, and how the Channel 9 Television Network took no appropriate action because he was their cash cow. They acknowledge, at the least, that there was gossip about Don Burke’s behaviour, but nothing was formally reported.

Who knows what is true.

In the comments, often the best part of anything on the internet, was a seemingly harmless comment along the lines of, “This is so sad if it is true.” The man, probably thinking nothing much of the words he chose, opened himself up to some not nice responses. In one, he was called a “douchebag.” He tried to defend himself by replying that he hadn’t said he didn’t believe it, but he was erring on the side of caution until Don Burke was in front of a court, rather than being tried on social media alone.

God love him. His argument appears logical. I lean towards agreeing with him. I do believe that any court would find Don Burke guilty; there seems to be a lot of evidence, a lot of reports with similar themes, and a lot of witnesses to the behaviour.

However, it sent me into a tail spin. I was drafting a comment to let him know that I had heard him, but I couldn’t find the words to express it clearly, without sounding like I was supporting Don Burke’s disgraceful behaviour.

That forced me to look at my own potential biases. Where does my need to defend this man come from? Am I being so careful to not become part of a witch hunt that I am complicit in seemingly condoning bad behaviour? What is right and what is wrong?

I get that the man who commented and was then attacked, probably didn’t think his seemingly innocuous comment would unleash what it unleashed. Probably didn’t think. Probably doesn’t need to think. It is obvious from his replies and attempts to protect himself, that he didn’t mean harm and was not condoning Don Burke’s behaviour. The responders didn’t want to see that.

But, our society’s culture did and still does permit Don Burke’s behaviour. Women and girls are still routinely subjected to comments about their appearance, their sexuality, their personalities, their everything, and much of it is demeaning.

We are held to ridiculous standards of beauty and minimalised for our opinions if we dare speak them. For Christ’s sake, our first female Prime Minister was routinely attacked for not being married, for being childless, for her clothing choices, for the size of her bottom and for the colour of her hair. And so many moronic imbeciles condoned this behaviour from the media, and it validated misogynistic behaviours and attitudes from unintelligent people who then felt they had a public platform and public permissionto air this vitriol.

Australia went backwards at this point. Thank you, Tony Abbott and Australian media.

We then had the atrocious behaviours from Harvey Weinstein in the US made public, following the #metoo movement (interestingly, following on from the allegations against Bill Cosby which did not give rise to such a furore – I wonder if colour plays a part here). This opened Pandora’s box. In the US and here too. And, rightly so. For so long there has been none or not enough public condemnation of this type of behaviour.

I used the me too hash tag. I debated using it. I read articles from women who were against it, believing it marginalised men and vilified innocent men. It may have done. It was also argued that no woman should feel pressured to own their abuse/assault in a public forum. I don’t think there was pressure; it was personal choice.

I think it was powerful, ultimately. I think it provided an alternative platform for women to own their assaults/abuse (the distinction being that abuse is longer term). It was empowering. For me, who speaks and writes openly about my life, it wasn’t too big a deal. For others, who don’t, and who chose to use the hash tag, it was empowering and unifying. They knew they were not alone.This enables and empowers healing. It strips shame away. It makes the abuse the focus, not the individual.

And, the hash tag wasn’t gender specific – males suffer abuse and assaults. That is undeniable. The impact of violation does not discriminate; however, for way too long, too many women have endured the shame and guilt that comes with behaviour that is not condemned by our society. And I feel myself checking myself, too many people.

Gender politics. I am a feminist. I have been marginalised because I am a woman. I have fought harder because I am a woman. I have been abused because I am a woman. And, a strong woman at that. Intelligent, compassionate, articulate, informed.

I have also been privileged to work with a therapist who has empowered me to see what I have yielded as a result of the abuses against (for) me. And I mean privileged. So many are not in the position where they can afford or access this type of therapy (Demartini).

For every male student who has disclosed abuse to me, I have had five female students disclose. Neither is supported adequately at the end of the day, despite all of the child protection rhetoric. It’s all about ticking boxes. And this entitled behaviour from all genders needs to stop.

But, we all need to understand that change is a process and learning the right language takes time, and at the end of the day, only compassion and love will move us forward.

Abuse, assault, bullying, aggression, unkindness, violence – it all stems from the same place – disconnection. We need to work together to change this unfortunate culture, not against one another.

A Rollercoaster of Emotion

Well, it has been a while. Today, my brain won’t let me do anything else until I have blogged. Not sure I am quite ready to put down the emotional rollercoaster that is my brain every year at this time, but meh. What can you do. I must blog so that I can achieve other things lol.

I cried myself to sleep last night. Unexpectedly.

A friend of mine had commented on a Facebook post by Em Rusciano. Em was due to give birth yesterday, but miscarried earlier in her pregnancy. It was such a heartfelt post, something resonated, and I just released. No prize for guessing what the next thing will be to work on when I return to therapy in January. I will, under guidance and not by myself, Demartini the mother out of my miscarriage. This morning I awoke feeling emotionally hungover. I can feel the cogs turning in my mind, a lot of processing happening, I can’t access most of it yet.

I head back to my permanent teaching position in ten sleeps. Yes. I am counting down. Why do we do that to ourselves?!

I have had a phenomenal year. My goal was to heal from the investigation, and for the most part, I have. I do not think I carry any anger anymore, especially towards the people that I used as a symbol for all that went wrong last year (and not the people you would expect). I feel quite calm about returning to work from that perspective. However, this year has really solidified for me the people that regard me as a concept and those that value me. This is a good thing moving forward.

I carry concerns that I will fall into past patterns at work upon my return. I have no desire to be the person I was when I left, almost a year ago. I no longer desire to mentor any adults in the workplace; I no longer want to be the ‘go to’ person for all and sundry; I no longer want the long hours and excessive workload, watching those that I have supported drive through those gates to liberation before me.

My life has moved. I have moved. My values have changed. I am no longer the person that I was; I have liberated myself from the cage I had imprisoned myself in.

I think I felt a lot of shame and a lot of guilt. I had always wanted to be a teacher. I didn’t stop to think that teaching takes many forms and doesn’t necessarily just happen in a classroom. I was, and am, grateful for all of my years in formal education. I grew into myself, forged new paths, and inspired and empowered many. My legacy in education may not have reached award status, but my impact has been significant. So, I felt guilty thinking I may have outgrown it, shame that I wasn’t being grateful by needing to move away from it.

One of my clients had to watch a TED Talk to use as a related text for an assessment on “Discovery”. We were deconstructing it on Wednesday. It spoke to me on so many different levels.

Emilie Wapnick’s “Why Some Of Us Don’t Have One True Calling”

It sort of sums me up. I think I am a multipotentialite. I am a teacher, but I think my main calling, and this has been a recurring theme in how I teach, what I teach, and in who I am as a teacher, is that of healer. This year, even in my tutoring business, what I am really doing, ultimately doing, is healing the fragments within all of us that we carry with us every day. My multipotentials come in the myriad of activities I have engaged in through teaching and outside of teaching. I am always doing many things.

So, the shame and guilt I have felt have given way (or are in the process of giving way to) an acceptance that in our society, living and moving unexpectedly, requires courage. And, I am courageous.

When you are unhappy in life, and we all have moments – mine just became a long term series of moments, it is imperative that you do something to change it. It takes courage, even to mix it up a little, let alone to take leave to see what else is out there. I have always said that all change takes twenty seconds of courage. Thank you eternally, We Bought A Zoo.

We can all do twenty seconds.

It will take the same courage to go back, to be authentically me, to stand by the changes I have made this year, and to remember that I am worth putting me first. And, I can do it; I know I can.

This year has been successful beyond measure, a true legacy to my friend Natalie. It took me a while to make my promise to you real, but I will live with passion and energy. I will not waste my life, because I know how much you would have given to still be here breathing and living yours.

I firmly believe that our souls find peace when we are walking the path we are supposed to walk. My soul had been restless and scared for years. She liberated herself this year and she will not go backwards.

I do not know what the future holds for me. I know that I return to my school full time in a week (ten sleeps) and then five days a fortnight next year. I know that my tutoring business is going to be fine (most of my clients have already re-booked for next year – humbling and surprising to me – such is my naivete, and I have new clients booking). I know that the outline and focus for my book found its shape yesterday. I know that I have some ideas for an online business to source and build during January. I know that I am excited to start programming for my school students and to be back in my classroom next year.

I am moving forward. I am where I am meant to be. I am not stagnating again. I will continue to wholly love and breathe, embracing change and the moment with passion and wonder that I could be just this blessed.

I should stop there. It was inspiring and empowered and strong. However, this post is a true example of my brain, my rollercoaster. Be grateful you don’t live in it lol.

Much love …

Returning Home

I arrived home in the early afternoon on Friday. I had an amazing time in Kampuchea and then in Hoi An, Vietnam.

I was travel tired before leaving, or so I thought. Upon return, and the reality that this wonderful year draws to a close in five weeks when I return to teaching full time temporarily, I think my pre-trip feelings were more about me not wanting this year to end rather than me travelling again. Meh.

I fell asleep at about 3 on Friday, rose to go to work on Saturday morning, and was asleep again by about 3.30 on Saturday afternoon. I slept most of Sunday too. There is only a four hour time difference. What the.

The last two days I have managed to not nap during the day. Last night I didn’t get to sleep until 2.30 this morning. I woke at 6 and fell asleep again until about 9.30. I’m really tired now and hopefully will be in bed at a normal time, like in half an hour. Fingers crossed.

In my waking moments though, during the weekend, I felt a real loss and a sadness descending. A loss of direction, a reluctance to go back to a life that caused me so much pain last year, a fear of returning to what is infinitely easier but less fulfilling. Meh, again.

When I woke yesterday morning feeling the darkness biting, I watched a clip with Oprah and Wayne Dyer about manifesting what you want. He said, “If you want to be happy, decide to be happy.” I scoffed. Like it’s that easy. But I still tried it. Within half an hour the darkness had dissipated. At first I could feel me deciding to be happy and the fog lifting, but by the end of the half hour, I was just normal me again.

And, I haven’t looked back.

I just decided to be happy, and to trust that I am exactly where I am meant to be, and that the universe will direct me where I am meant to go when I am meant to go there.

It was that easy. I have been training myself for years I think.