I think I need to start posting daily again to get some balance lol. Please know that I am okay. My blog is a collection of my thoughts and perceptions to help others feel less alone. Yes, I’m impacted by my life but I’m usually good. And I’m definitely a happy person. What I post is real but the posts are snapshots.
Now, having said that …
One of my friends is in the process of miscarrying and my heart is breaking for her. We have no real control over such things and it just sucks. Especially right at Christmas, the time for children. It’s hard not being a mum.
I still struggle being around small children. I love them. And it is like knives slowly twisting through my heart as I interact with them.
I will never have that.
Never share the giggles and smiles of my child as they explore their world. Or hold their hand and them close when they are scared.
Spending time with children at Christmas is soooooooooo hard for me. I used to imagine and daydream setting up the tree, wrapping presents late at night to give Santa a hand, being woken up ridiculously early when children realise Santa has been.
I’ve banned Christmas for myself this year except for Christmas movies. I’m also contemplating (every day) putting the tree up. I’ve banned it partly because I’ve grown to dislike December and mostly because of the extreme consumerism that I am also guilty of.
But also because it reminds me that I’m not a mum.
I will unban it if my foster care application is approved but probably won’t if it isn’t.
We do Kris Kringle in my faculty. I was blessed to receive notice that my Kris has donated in my name to an adult literacy program for women in the third world.
We need more of this.
I assure you I am happy.