Excitement

I have a weekly doctor’s appointment at the moment to keep an eye on my blood pressure. The last couple of times it’s been measured it has been 170 over 115. One week of medication, at the lightest dose, and it is down to 150 over 95. One week! I am excited. And with my dietary changes, I just feel so much better. 

I feel like I am on the right path. 

And it isn’t just the diabetes and blood pressure. 

This year, my gap year, was taken to explore opportunities and options, something I don’t have time to encourage within myself when working in my permanent full-time position. 

Already, I have realised how much of the world there is to explore when you aren’t committed to a permanent full time position. Life is different when lived in balance. And very different when you are doing things that inspire you. 

I don’t know exactly when teaching became work for me. I used to love it; I would jump out of bed in the morning excited to go to work. I can’t remember the last period of time that I consistently felt this way. Probably when I was working in CAPA, but even then, the hours were killing my life. 

Anyway, kinesiology is a modality that I have felt a pull towards for a long while. I’ve been researching courses. I want to be close to home so have focused on the Southern Highlands. This afternoon I spoke to the teacher of said course, and as I was speaking to her, listening to her, I began to understand the pull I’ve felt. 

The point being, trusting these pulls towards certain things this year is opening my world in a way I never dreamed possible. 

I have my Sound Healing course. I am attending a writing conference. I am seeing Elkhart Tolle. I am travelling. I am writing. I am building my business. I’m socialising with friends and family regularly. And soon, I will commence my studies in Neuro Training and Kinesiology. 

I am just so excited this afternoon. 

Life is good. 

And, it is good because I am making it so. I am controlling what I do. I am transforming my life. I wasn’t happy with the lack of balance and I’m correcting it. It’s not always easy but I’m doing it. And I’m loving it. 

I wish the same for everyone. 

The Power of FearĀ 

We all experience it sometimes. That feeling that things could go terribly wrong if you do a particular thing, make a particular decision, or even leave the house. It usually starts with an unsettling in the belly, then you scrunch your face in some way before finding any reason, many reasons to say no, or not to do it, or not to go. And deep down you know that you are deluding yourself, but our ability to justify our fear surpasses that feeling. 

Now that I’ve had some time to process things, I’ve noticed that I’m becoming more conscious of how I feel and behave when I’m experiencing fear. As a result, like Liz Gilbert, I acknowledge the fear, apply my twenty seconds of courage, and start. I still talk the fear out of me because fear is strong and stubborn, and just because I start something doesn’t mean fear sits back and acquiesces. 

It’s hard. Life is hard. We have all been hurt. We’ve been battered and bruised. We all know how hard it is and how long it can take to recover from defeat. We all know the shame that we have felt when we have failed at something, or embarrassed ourselves in front of others, and the guilt if we haven’t quite measured up to the expectations others gave for us. 

All of these things create a soul memory that comes to the fore when we feel challenged, or unworthy, undeserving, and basically, just not good enough. We create a narrative and dialogue that then justifies this sensory fear of the unknown. 

I think I have lived a lot of my life in fear. I think that fear has stopped me from doing a lot of things. But I have also experienced many times when I have been able to override that fear with courage. 

And I have never been disappointed when this has happened. 

Two days ago, terrified, I climbed over some rocks and snorkelled. I loved the experience. But it wasn’t immediate. When I first put the mask on, fit the mouth piece into my mouth, and put my head under the water, I could fear my breathing which scared me. This caused me to tighten my chest and foolishly embrace the fear. I brought myself up and asked Mel if it was normal to hear your breathing. Of course it is. So, when I went back under the water, and I felt the fear, I told myself to trust and to relax, and my breathing settled. From there I was able to allow myself to dive under. 

And that wasn’t the only fear. I then feared that I looked like an idiot and that I wasn’t using my legs properly. 

And then I told myself that it really didn’t matter. Who cares what You look like when you are living such a blessed life? Like, really Tina, pull your head in. 

It was only then that I could focus on the beauty and the freedom of being underwater for extended periods of time, of seeing the fish and ocean life functioning and living in their natural state, of feeling the cool water rush against and embrace it as the body glides through. A feeling of divine liberation, of connection at every level: the physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual. 

And yesterday I snorkelled again. No fear. Not even for a second. The body and mind knew and understood and remembered the delights that awaited it. And, I could then see the translucent stingers before they stung, and I could leave that section of water. 

My ‘shyness’ I think was a fear of judgement, of not being good enough, of not being normal. Now that I’ve let go of that label, I seem to have let go of the fear, for the most part, and am more open to meeting new people. Realistically, if they judge me but I like me, what does their judgement matter. 

It doesn’t. 

And if I fail whilst I’m living, what does that matter. At least I was living and not just existing safely, and at least I tried. 

Yep. Fear limits and restricts us. It stops us from being wholly authentic and wholly alive. There will always be excuses to not do the things we truly feel that we are being called to do, don’t let those excuses stop you. Find a way to live your truth. Find a way to be your true blessed self. Don’t rob the world of the opportunity to know you as you truly are. Your gifts are necessary for the world to flourish. 

Crisis of Confidence

I finished last year on such a high. My Indian experience truly transformed my life by empowering me to integrate the different aspects of self and identity roles. I was unable to return home and not make significant change. This was a process. By following the signs and saying yes to different opportunities, I finally opted to take leave from permanent full time teaching this year. A massive decision. My identity as a teacher has sustained me for many years. 

During the last four weeks, my identity labeling has shifted. I am now considering myself as more than a high school English teacher. And man, that is terrifying. 

But today, interestingly and ironically, Mike Baird has resigned as Premier of my home state, New South Wales. He has cited the necessity to spend more time with his family as his main reason. I hope there isn’t a scandal waiting in the wings because his reason has impressed me. 

As a people, we seem to have surrendered the important things in life for work, addiction, fear. It doesn’t seem that many of us are living our best and most authentic lives. Most people I speak to feel a yearning, irrespective of how small, for something different. And most of us use fear as a reason for not seeking it. 

I am feeling that fear every day. I am so worried that I won’t have enough money for all of my adventures, then not enough time for everything I want to achieve. Bloody fear. It won’t stop me from walking this path. I have paid many deposits for a variety of travels and have paid in full my flights to Perth and Minnesota/Las Vegas. I will write my book and I will empower my business to do what it needs to do, but I am scared. 

Today I pulled out a Butterfly Affirmation Card and I giggled: 


I have faith that all will be well and that I am exactly where I am meant to be. I just want to acknowledge out loud that it isn’t easy. I am hoping that disclosing it will calm my mind and pacify my fear. 

You have to laugh. 

Mike Baird answered questions at the end of his resignation speech. The journalists attacked him, expectedly. Why did you promise to continue as recently as December last year? When did you make this decision? Where were you? Why are you doing this? 

It takes courage to stand against expectation, to walk a different path, your own organic path, to put yourself first, to create a new reality for your life, but I think it costs the soul more if you don’t. 

Kudos to Mike Baird today, for his resignation has reminded me that my choices are right for me. As a result, this upcoming year of transition, transformation, and discovery will continue to permit growth, and enable me to live fully and authentically. 

Scared but infinitely blessed. 

šŸ™šŸ»

Finding Courage

I woke up this morning knowing and feeling in every cell of my body that the life I have known is done. I’m at a crossroads, and I knew that India would put me there. I didn’t realize how difficult it would be emotionally. 

There is a picture of me, sitting on the houseboat on the Ganges. I usually hate photos of myself. That’s why you rarely see any. But India shifted that; I integrated my soul. I like myself. I’m a work in progress, but my photo no longer scares me or horrifies me. 


I want to look like this and feel like this all of the time. It is possible when you live the life you are supposed to be living, when you choose joy. 

I woke up, and looked for another job. But I don’t want them. I want to create a totally new life. Originally I gave myself five years, but this morning I realized that the time to act is now. 

Terrifying. 

So, this morning my mind has weighed up many options, strategies, ideas. The resolution/realization: sometimes we just need to jump. It doesn’t matter where I end up landing; the first step of jumping is the important one. 

When I jump, a world of opportunity will open. 

And, even if I end up in the same location, I will have changed and chosen to be there. At the moment, it’s not my first choice. 

If I want a different life, a joyous and happy life, it’s on me to create the opportunity for it to exist. 

I just have to feel the courage to jump. 

And it really isn’t that difficult. We are all cats; we land on our feet. 

This, I know for sure. 

Little Gems

“When you feel inside yourself that it’s time to let something go, then it’s time to let it go,” Oprah on Dr Phil. 

What I miss most about Oprah’s talk show is the little life gems that would often come through. 

I remember watching her final show and realising the extent of the impact that her 25 years in television had actually made on me. I had been watching her since I was a teenager. Not obsessively like I did as an adult (I never do anything by halves, unfortunately) but through my dark times she was always there. I learned how to heal through Oprah; her authenticity and her compassion. 

She is one of my heroes. I respect her immensely. Rightly or wrongly. 

And today I woke up, after spending yesterday praying that my migraine would disappear, wishing someone would come along and hit me in the head repeatedly with a baseball bat. After hours of writhing in pain, I got out of bed and vomited repeatedly, crying the whole time. This is not my normal migraine time. I lay under covers on the lounge, eight mersyndol in five and a half hours not achieving as much as I’d hoped but enough that I can watch tv and the tears have stopped. 

And there is Oprah on Dr Phil after a hot shower that loosened my neck and back muscles. And allowed me to focus on why I have spent the entirety of my holidays exhausted and sick. 

I broke down in the last week of school. I was defeated and utterly shattered. Something happened about five months ago that legally I am not allowed to speak about or act on. Anyone that knows me, in life or through here, knows that I don’t cope well with binds and shackles. I find the act dishonest and it works against my core beliefs. And that is why I am exhausted and sick. Continually. 

At any rate one of the first gems came fifteen minutes in to the show, after the social niceties. It’s what opened this post. 

And it’s true. So I cried when I heard it. And it came from Oprah. And so I must listen. 

Change requires courage. 

A friend of mine is packing up her life to live her dream. I’m buoyed by that. It requires courage to do that. 

I’m on a two yearnings of moving forward and creating a happier life for myself. This is my resolution to that. My body is telling me it is time, my heart feels it too, now I will find the courage to embody the change. 

Thanks Oprah, again. 

The Right Path For Whatever Reason

I’ve been absent from my blog. I have kept up my gratitude every day but chose to stop posting it. It’s important to me but highly likely, boring to others hehe. And I’ve been processing everything in my life leading up to this full moon.

I bought the car. I now drive the car. I zip around like I’m in my twenties again lol. The purchase came with some grieving to do though. I initially bought the Tiguan because I was going to have a few kids and be a soccer mum, so we needed the space. Saying goodbye was hard. Intellectually I know that I’m not going to be a birth mum. However, I didn’t realise that there was a part of me still holding on to the dream. And so many people in my life are always pregnant. It’s hard. 

I am in the process of moving towards acceptance that pregnancy is the one that got away from me, and that is okay. My life is fertile in many other ways. 

I run my first series of workshops, starting Tuesday week. And there are people interested, which to be honest, terrifies and excites me all in the one breath. 

Such a huge step for me. Seeing myself as a healer rather than a teacher. Those labels start to do more than just identify us. Sometimes we become so safe inthe definition that we think that is all that there is to us. 

Starting my business is me giving myself permission to be more than a label or definition. I feel that I am finally ready to embrace all of me and accept that I am valuable in my entirety. 

And I believe I’m fulfilling my destiny. I’m open, I’m willing to receive, and I’m willing to work hard. 

I consider myself to have trust issues; I’ve always defined myself that way. Damaged childhood, damaged adult. At the workshop with Alana Fairchild yesterday, rather than feel confronted and anxious by a trust activity with people I do not know, I felt energised and truly excited. People had to touch me to stop me from falling, and I didn’t care. I felt safe within my core; no one could hurt me therefore I could trust because I was trusting myself and the universe (God energy or however you regard it). 

It was amazing. Soul inspiring. A measure of my real growth and real comfort with who I am. I also didn’t feel shy. A little reserved in some activities, but not shy. I think I oozed confidence. 

Bizarre. 

And listening to Alana’s story, I felt that I am making the right decisions for my life. This business will be a growing process and I must be patient, and trusting that even if it doesn’t work out, the journey is the valuable piece in my life’s puzzle. I am where I am supposed to be. 

Throughout the meditations yesterday I saw an Amazonian warrior dancing in grass. I need to google it. She kept appearing. If anyone knows what that could embody, please let me know. Amazon rainforest not oversized women Amazons. 

When I was a little girl šŸ˜‰

When I was a little girl, I held beliefs about aging. It seemed that everyone that was an adult had their life planned and sorted by their thirties. 

Every adult, almost every adult, was married, with kids, living in the suburbs. If the couples were older their children had already moved out. But life, even my tumultuous family life, was stable and relatively predictable. 

I have some wonderful childhood memories, mostly from hanging out with all of the neighbourhood kids. We made some amazing fun. We were all welcome in each other’s yards, some homes, and it was safe for us to wander the streets.

Everything seemed stable. I’m sure that it wasn’t. But I’m also mostly certain it was more stable than life these days. 

Even in aging there is no certainty. We are growing older. I am grateful for that. At forty five I don’t feel old. Almost fifty, and I believe I still have half my life to live and that my best years are ahead of me. There is a calm in that for me. 

Most importantly because it isn’t too late to start a new path. Yes, it is too late for motherhood, but not for living. 

And I am grateful for that.

Buying A New Car

When I bought my last car four years ago, I hoped that it would eventually transport my children. So, I bought my dream car, a big car. One thing after another, organizing my life and my finances to ensure smoother sailing for my business, and it’s time to buy a new car. 

And I’m downsizing. By choice. Reprioritising my material possessions. 

I won’t have children so I’m buying a smaller car. Realistically, it’s usually just me in my car, and then Max, my dog. My fur family. And yes, very much my child substitute lol. 

A friend subtly pointed out yesterday that I’m letting go of two dreams with the purchase of the new car. Yes, yes I am. 

My dream car was not all I dreamed it would be, and my dream of being a birth mother is further in the rear view mirror. 

And you know, I’m okay with it. Not one tear shed. And no real pain felt. In a week where anxiety has been high, and a good friend gave birth, I am okay. 

I am in a place of acceptance that those were not to be my life path or choices this time around. I’m not here for better things, but different things. I joked with a different friend yesterday how I sometimes think I experience so much to be able to better empathise with others. And surely, this will help my business to grow. Here’s to hope lol. 

So, I should pick up my new car within ten days, and thus begin a new chapter in my life. 

Tina, the teacher and the healer. 

Go me. 

But what a release to feel me moving beyond the stigma I created in my head about childlessness, moving towards freedom and new growth in a completely different direction. Maybe my business is my birth child, raised and grown to service others, as well as nurture myself. 

As Diane Lane’s character in Under the Tuscan Sun discovers, sometimes our dreams come to us in unexpected ways.

ā¤ļø

A DriveĀ 

I have only sat outside in my backyard twice since moving in ten months ago. Abnormal. 

I started to question why. I also haven’t gardened much and recently, I am struggling to contact my lawn man to have it cut. It’s like I don’t care about it. Abnormal. 

So, before I moved I debated getting rid of my outdoor setting and buying a new one.  My backyard, and especially my covered area, is so much smaller here. I decided to bring the setting here and set it up out the back. I’ve cleaned it. I bought new cushions for it. I put solar lanterns up and my wind chimes. 

And I’ve sat out there twice. 

My sister introduced me to her outdoor setting, purchased on EBay. I looked. I found. I bought. 

Today I picked it up. Saturday I will assemble it. It’s perfect. 

I drove an hour each way to get it. I’ve stopped listening to music when I drive, preferring to absorb my environment and process. A beautiful run through the country today to get my new setting. I felt relaxed. Calm. Peaceful. 

This week I have felt more like myself. Still some anxiety but my personality has come back a little more strongly. I thought about why. 

1. Away from the cause of the anxiety. 

2. Controlling what I can control:- 

a. To Do list

b. When I go out 

c. Who I see

d. My home environment 

e. Organising to buy a new car

3. Realising the whispers are turning into roars and focusing on my business plan again; making a stronger commitment and devising a strategy forward. 

And I think this is key. I was ready to take back control of the things that I can control but had to be out of the environment of the anxiety for a good solid week before I was able to do that. 

I’m still feeling anxiety, especially in my tummy. But I feel like I have some control over my life and I’m starting to slay the fear. 

Interesting. And as a result, I don’t think I’m going to be ready to return to the source of anxiety on Tuesday. 

We’ll see. 

What clearer sign …

A real crossroads. I am absolutely dreading going back to work next week. So, I am thinking I won’t. 

I love being in my classroom and wielding magic but it isn’t enough anymore. 

I was talking about my business plan with different friends over the last three days. All very positive and supportive, and so I’m in a place where I can almost commit. 

It will be hard work and long hours, but the change in lifestyle will be worth it.

So, basically Akashic Healing will start as a counselling/coaching service. There will be a Writing to Heal workshop component. I am now formulating the course structure and price to participants. Setting the price is exceptionally difficult – how do you quantify your time and expertise whilst making a service affordable. Hehe. Hmmm. 

It’s going to be funšŸ˜³