A Healthy Ego v Arrogance

I was chatting to one of my sister tribe this morning. I’ve said a hundred times before that whilst I was a teacher, I became used to keeping myself small. I was safe there, being small, working within the parameters I was given by an institution. It suited me to not expect very much from myself. I was scared of so much.

It took me fifteen years to acknowledge to myself and then to others that I was an amazing teacher. I still am.

I build amazing relationships with my students and I work from a place of love. And, I myself, am a lifelong learner. Education is holistic – it involves significantly more than delivering content and enabling skills.

I am now developing into an amazing business woman, but I am a work in progress and wouldn’t have come this far in my businesses without the help of four women specifically ~ Karyn, Donna, Mai Mai and Michelle.

And then, wouldn’t be here without the support of my family and extended family ~ people who love me and support me through the every day. I may not see them often, definitely not as much as I want to, but they are in my heart every day and I know they are in my corner which enables me to keep moving forward.

I am humble in my arrogance. Hehe. And I will never allow myself to be small again.

In our society, as women, we believe (are taught) that to stand in our truth, the truth of who we are, and express what we are good at, what we have achieved, what we can achieve, what we have done, is wrong.

It isn’t.

There is a distinct difference between a healthy ego and arrogance.

We should be able to speak our truth. We should be encouraged to speak our truth. We should stand proud when we speak our truth.

I’ve worked fucking hard in my life and on myself to be the strong resilient woman that I am. I have had very low lows and some amazing highs. I’ve lived a full life of extremes and of balance. I’ve weathered storms and basked in sunlight. I’ve had it all. I’m proud of myself.

Every day, I wake up, blessed (and bloody tired lol) and ready to serve. Every day, I am grateful for all that I have and all that I am. Every day, I take steps towards achieving the life I want to live, and every day, I live the life I want to live.

I own this. I own me.

If you call me arrogant, I ask you to look within yourself and ask where that need to judge comes from. If you think you shouldn’t own the best in you, ask who is keeping you small and who that serves.

Me being amazing does not diminish your amazing-ness. There is enough light in this world for us all to shine.

Today, mentally, vocally, in writing, List the qualities, the things, that make you amazing. And then, stand proud in your truth.

We are phenomenal people.

Massive Week of Processing

Ohhhhhhh what a week it has been.

I know that we have to wait to see the results of the George Pell appeal yada yada, but meh.

For me, our society has moved forward from when I was growing up forty years ago, but it hasn’t really come forward enough in ways that count.

Lip service and token gestures. Even with the Me Too movement, it appears that victims/survivors/victors of sexual abuse and sexual assaults are still not regarded as worthy humans in our legal system or in broader society.

The fight continues, and I will more actively continue the fight. Just working out how …

Then, Christchurch. I’m still feeling the force of it. I cannot fathom the evil that resides in the hearts of human beings.

The shining light in all of this is the compassionate and highly intelligent leadership of Jacinda Ardern. Role modelling for a peaceful world where people are included unless they are evil.

I choose love and I choose peace and I choose inclusion.

We do not have a leader like her in Australia … yet. We vote in NSW on Saturday. We vote as a country in a couple of months.

Our vote counts. It’s important to know exactly who you are voting for in your electorate, and what they represent. If their values aren’t synonymous with yours, irrespective of party, don’t waste your vote.

On Saturday, I’m voting for our local independent. The first time I haven’t voted for a major party. I’m done. None of the three parties represents me anymore. Time to change.

Our local independent (Wollondilly) may not be perfect (who is), but she truly cares about the local area. You can hear it when she talks. She might not always make the right decisions for my liking, but she comes closest out of my available choices.

I have a clear conscience in voting for her and working on a booth for her and scrutinizing for her. I implore you, do your local research.

Massive time of processing for me … not sure where I’m heading really, but I’m on my way.

Losing Myself

I think one of the hardest parts of the losing weight/returning to wellness journey is the continual inner battle with yourself.

I want to be well. Inside and out. As a healer, I feel that I need to walk the talk. It’s okay to be a work in progress, but imperative to be doing the work.

Like my dreads, my weight, in some ways, is part of who I am. It’s been so long since I was at a healthy or near healthy weight, and even when I was, I didn’t think or know that I was. My inner narrative has always been that I am fat, ugly and undeserving of love. In fact, it has only been in the last two and a half years that I have started to rewrite that narrative.

Now, I’m fat, beautiful and worthy of all that is good. I chuckle to myself.

A few years ago I looked into the bariatric surgery which has been so successful for so many. I almost had it done. But something wasn’t ready within me. For surgery, it still isn’t.

I feel that my weight is baggage I am holding on to and to be well, I need to sort through and heal the baggage. Maybe that’s just another story I tell myself, I don’t know. But I believe it.

So, on the first of March, I started a new eating plan. I’m time poor and ignorant about food and portion sizes and all of that sort of stuff beyond a superficial level. I’m using a meal replacement system that is a whole system, including snacks. I’m carrying a bit of fear of judgement for this, but I’m doing what I need to do to return to physical wellness.

People say it’s easy. Just eat healthy foods. Exercise. It’s not easy though or no one would be fat. Not easy when you don’t know what healthy looks like and feels like, and not when your weight is attached to trauma.

I can’t just eat healthy because I don’t now what that is or what it looks like. I mean, for the most part, I thought I did eat healthily. I’m vegetarian and I don’t eat much crap. Meh.

My whole life I’ve been scared of being seen and noticed and adored. It’s happened anyway, and to rebel against it rather than confronting my true self head on, I kept myself small (ironically) by not living my best life and being shackled by unspoken fear.

I stayed in a job that minimised me and never embraced my talents or abilities. Staying in that job exhausted me. I didn’t make time for friends or love. I didn’t make time to be normal. I think my whole life I’ve been searching for wellness and belonging.

It’s hard to belong with others when you don’t belong to yourself. And it’s hard to belong, wholly, to yourself, when your weight is unhealthy. For me, my unhealthy weight is symbolic of a pain, a hurt, that runs deep. I’m trying to unpack that hurt as I journey.

Expressing and owning the reality of the journey is a massive part of that. This is the my first step to owning I have a problem, unresolved hurts, and work to do. My weight is just a symptom.

F’ing George Pell

I am massively triggered.

George Pell’s sentence is 3 years 8 months non-parole period for five counts of sexual abuse.

Justice Kidd spoke for an hour or so to justify this piece of bullshit. At any rate, Pell should have got the maximum.

Six years and he still maintains he is innocent, so no remorse shown. One victim dead from an overdose and the other living a life sentence, having to reconstruct and rebuild his life.

How on earth are kids and adults supposed to feel that they can trust the justice system and disclose sexual abuse when this is the punishment that is meted out.

What the fuck is going on with this world.

Integrity 🤪

John Demartini says that when you work from a place of your highest values, your life feels better and there is less time for less important/trivial stuff to come in and take your time up. He says, that if you can, you delegate or pay someone to do the less important stuff.

I love mowing my lawn and taking care of my garden, but I’ve become exceptionally time poor. This has resulted in me feeling guilty for not getting the yard done as quickly as I would like to. My yard is tiny – it doesn’t take long.

Guilt, guilt and more guilt.

And I also hating not having a space I love look beautiful.

Just before I left for work yesterday, a post from a local business popped up in my Facebook feed saying that they had availability for mowing today.

I messaged.

They replied.

By 8.30 this morning, my lawn looked beautiful. I supported another small business. And I don’t have to worry about doing the lawn today or tomorrow or Sunday.

Now I have guilt free time to dye my hair.

Everyone’s winning.

I’m living this new me. Giving myself permission to do what I need to be happy and balanced.

It’s the small things that make a difference.

It’ll be alright

I’m an over thinker. I’m also an over feeler. If both get me at the same time, the walls go up and I become cold as ice. As a result, I teeter between being empathetic and compassionate, and frustrated and cranky. After frustrated and cranky, usually comes guilty and shamed.

It’s not a pattern within myself I’m happy with or proud of. I work hard at keeping the balance. I don’t always succeed.

Yesterday was such a day.

They usually occur, these days, when I’m tired or feeling overwhelmed.

At the moment, because I’m out of balance, my body is also out of balance. I’m having repeated migraines, waking up with head colds (today a blocked nose and sore throat) and basically feeling like I’ve been hit by a bus.

I feel a little sorry for myself and then wryly smile.

Fear brought me here. A fear, now that I no longer have a stable job and have to generate my own income, of not having and not being enough.

Another layer to peel from the healing onion.

A recurring layer – I’m sure I’ve seen this one before.

I have created this reality. I need to restore balance. I need to put my needs first. If I don’t, I’ll become too sick to work and that’ll teach me lol.

I think a lot of us seesaw between loving ourselves and not feeling we are enough. I wonder if I have this wrong which is why I’m here again. Maybe, it’s more that I do love myself but I don’t know how to break the patterns I’ve subscribed to my whole life. And the clash between those two is what makes the ill-ness.

Maybe I need to merge or integrate the two opposing thoughts, make peace with the girl who didn’t love herself and not feel guilty that I do. In our society, we expect women to be humble and to not, out loud, like themselves just as they are. We are expected to fit into neat little boxes.

I don’t.

And I don’t want to.

Even as childhood trauma survivors slash victors, the idea is that we stay messed up forever. That we embody the trauma for as long as we breathe.

I don’t want to.

I want to be free of it. Own where I was and who I was, but embrace where I am now and who I am now.

I feel like new experiences are challenging the new ways of my being, ripping them apart, and my fight to stay me has brought fears back that I might not be accepted if I don’t fit into the box.

Fear again.

I speak freely now. Some call me arrogant. In that ‘arrogant’ mode, I speak truth. People label it arrogant so that they don’t have to hear the truth. I’m fine with that. Or maybe I’m not.

Meh. This could go on for hours so I’ll spare you the never ending circle of argument here and I’ll ponder it on my own. I think I’ve hit the core of the issue though – that trauma impact of fear saying I won’t belong if I stand unashamedly in my truth.

I disagree, fear.

The Power of Sharing

I facilitated my Moving Beyond Childhood Trauma workshop last night. First of four.

I was so excited yesterday morning because I just felt the group was right. And it was.

Sharing space with women who possess the courage to put themselves out there is so inspiring and so empowering. We grow through one another’s strength.

Sharing story lifts guilt and shame, but it too, takes courage.

I’m so inspired today, exhausted, but inspired.

Yesterday

The best of intentions to stay in pyjamas and do absolutely nothing of consequence yesterday was a success. After my social media posting for the businesses yesterday, the intention started.

At first, I struggled to stop. I was thinking I might go and visit my family and then some friends. I resisted the temptation to do this. I was agitated a little for a while. I felt like I should be doing something for anything. I kept thinking to myself that there is so much I could be doing.

I’ve wanted to watch Hart of Dixie for years. It was only when I made it my mission to watch the first series (with no idea how many episodes were in it) that I started to relax, my body stopped and more importantly, my brain stopped. At 2am this morning, I was still watching it, but with eyes almost closed, and Season 2 started, I opted for bed.

I slept well.

I woke up at 8, rested. I performed my morning ritual and now, I am organizing some work to do. But it’s at a slower pace and my body is still, in and out. I am not feeling the pressure I usually do, and I’m happy.

It’s a good feeling.

I recommend mindlessness every now and again.