I am spending the weekend at an intensive for my Diploma in Sound Healing. No idea how I make my words seem so light when snot covers my face and I’ve shed so many tears that my cheeks are hard and stinging, but whatever.
We started the day by going within and listening to our nervous system. Sounds bizarre, but massively interesting. Mine was making all sorts of sounds and there was a lot of darkness and heaviness and sadness. Also, bizarrely, two skeleton heads. This was all very interesting to me because I was feeling quite zen. The external was not reflecting, or even conscious of, the internal machinations of my nervous system.
The day continued and all was okay. We finished with a sound bath that was so beautifully orchestrated, my consciousness left and I was no longer in the room. It was divine.
I left to drive home, feeling very very zen. Returned some messages and started driving. About fifteen minutes into the trip, I started crying, like from nowhere. And I had no idea why.
I’ve been going through a massive transition, and I know I’m shedding all that no longer serves me so that I can ascend, so I surrendered to it and kept driving, just feeling, not overthinking.
Arrived home, had a hot shower, posted a video and Facebook post, ate dinner, ate some shit, watched an episode of Five Bedrooms, started crying again and haven’t stopped.
My thoughts went to friendships. I’m not very good at them. I’m quite dysfunctional, truth be told. And having lived quite an odd life, I’m not married either. I don’t really know how to be with people. I feel like I overstep sometimes, don’t step in enough at others, and pretty much have always just got it wrong. I overthink or over expect and just don’t get it. I also give a lot because I feel I need to so that I’m ‘normal’.
When I miscarried, I told people I had started bleeding. Realistically, that’s all I probably told them. I think I mentioned it was profuse. I didn’t understand it was a miscarriage. I was so cranky for flying when I was trying to get pregnant, knowing it could cause a miscarriage.
Anyway, I thought I’d reached out for help by telling people there was no pregnancy, but no one came. It was a hard time for me. I was alone in a way I never had been. Except for maybe the sexual abuse. Maybe, just maybe, that connection forced the shut down that has been in play ever since. And there were some who offered, but I didn’t know how to say yes.
Tonight, I’m lying here, thinking about how awkward I am in social situations and how I really don’t get friendship because I’ve always fucked it up one way or another, and then I jump to the extreme alone-ness I felt in those two days after I lost my baby.
I think it scarred me. Irreparably. I don’t believe anyone will come. I deal with stuff differently as a result. In a good way. I use my journey to empower and support others. Balanced perception.
I’m terrified of expecting too much from people. I’m terrified I’m getting things wrong and not doing it properly. I am having those feelings where you wish you could just pack the car up and spend the rest of your life running. Meh.
I have been told that I don’t reach out. I do. I just don’t know how to do it so that people get that I’m reaching out. After my miscarriage, I spoke to people about how upset I was that they didn’t come to me.
They all said one of two things: I usually do things on my own or if everyone didn’t know you needed help, then it’s on you for not expressing it clearly.
Tonight, I release that narrative. I surrender that story. I surrender the pain of the miscarriage and not being a mother. I surrender that I’m a failure and not good enough and not deserving of better. I surrender the guilt I felt that I had hurt so many people. I surrender the shame of being broken for so long. I surrender the anger, the unbelievable pain, the frustration, the need and desire for people to be any different to what they are. I surrender that I don’t think I am worth more than this collective misery.
I accept that I am here to serve, to empower, to heal, and I am grateful for all that I have learned through all of my life experiences.
I have fought many battles, many injustices throughout my life, and I’ve fought them alone. I am strong. I do support other people. But I sold myself for less than I was worth, and I surrender the story of victim that enabled that to happen.
I am in transition. That is my new certainty. I do not need to know where I am going. I just need to look for and heed the sign posts.
First though, I’ll feel this old pain through a new narrative, and then I’ll surrender it before I dust my crown off.
And then I’ll blow my fucking nose.