I Just Can’t Sleep – Ughhhh

And I emotionally ate some biscuits.

A week and a half ago, one of my ex-students died. I was so shocked. It feels like I heard the news months ago. I kept an eye out for funeral details until I went back to work this week.

Today, the bestie shared the information. I only saw it tonight after I had packed up my workshop. That was probably an hour or so ago.

We messaged back and forth, organising our travel plans. I need to cancel some appointments so that I can go.

After that, I ate some biscuits, not immediately realising why. Not caring really when I did realise why. Meh. This is just so wrong.

Belinda and I have ‘buried’ too many of our kids. Some funerals I just couldn’t go to. It’s so bloody hard. No one tells you, that when you become a teacher, funerals feel like they become the norm. No one can tell you how much the kids become part of your soul either.

I have always just expected that when they leave they go on to create wonderful lives. That’s what they deserve. All of them. Even the ones who give you grief. After all, they’re kids, and kids are full of angst. That’s not meant to continue though. They deserve to be happy.

I cannot believe that Trae has died.

Cannot believe it. I feel for his family – there are no words to bring peace to their hearts and no words to make it okay. I wish that there were.

I feel for his friends. The friends I know and the friends I don’t. I feel for my babies. Trae’s Year 8 class, whom Belinda and I both taught – a blessing for us and them (lol) – were gorgeous.

Some exceptionally smart kids and all nice (even Tahlia for those who remember that for most of the year I was a “slut” to her lol – love that kid’s spirit – I hope she still has it and it has served her well). We had some good laughs.

Trae tried really hard all of the time. He was always smiling, grinning or laughing. He loved his friends and they loved him. He possessed a beautiful heart. Possesses.

I can only hope that we learn from his death, what we learn from all death, and that is that life is short and we should do what makes us happy.

I remember my first student who died. That was a massive shock, like this. Erin didn’t wake up. Year 10 Graduation was cancelled and I went home to stare at the walls for months after. One of her friends vowed to live her life fully in honour of the life cut short. She did and has and will always I think. She created a bucket list of things to do before thirty.

Death serves us.

It reminds us that all life is temporary. And, it teaches us to share our love for others, and to not take tomorrow for granted. It teaches us that judgement is stupid and love is sacred. It teaches us, after grief, how to live better, more fully.

But, it also hurts. It does force us to stare at walls, to be numb, to say dumb stuff, do dumb stuff, want to belong and to fit in.

Ugh. I still can’t sleep.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s