Healing is Hard

I am in a slump, spiralling down into the hole.

The difference this time is that I am mindful and have been mindful and am doing what I need to do.

I could feel and see it coming. I was tired, like soul tired; I had nothing left to give. I became impatient. It was harder to stay in balance. I just wanted to hide away. I got sick and couldn’t shake it. I had no patience for other people who’s experiences are mirroring mine – no one likes a mirror on a bad day.

I started to self care. I cancelled appointments, but I explained why. I have said no. I have been careful to not over commit. I have had a lot of silence. I have been really honest with myself about where I am at.

I know this transition is temporary. I know my body, mind and spirit need time out to process all of the changes I have made to my life in the last twelve months. I need to process who this new identity is. And I need time to really love her, for all that she is. She’s pretty darn amazing and quite a beautiful person. I’m happy to be her.

Massive growth right there.

I think when we’ve experienced trauma (and I did this for more years than I can count and feel blessed that people have stayed with me), it is easy to feel like the world owes us something. It is easy to blame other people for not getting it and for not trying to get it.

The impact of trauma really changes the way your brain is wired. A traumatised brain doesn’t see the world the way a healthy brain does. Everything is personal – everything. It is a horrible way to live. It keeps you victimised. It doesn’t permit happiness or stability.

During my tapping class last night, I was triggered by what we were doing – playing it small in life. I had a flashback to a moment in childhood. The word uncertainty kept popping into my head.

I was uncertain I would be safe, uncertain I would be cared for, uncertain that I would be okay.

I was safe, I was taken care of and I was okay in this moment.

However, that loss of certainty because of the trauma I endured has lead my life. It has kept me small – the what if question was always framed negatively. Now, I am rewriting it positively. Or need to.

Because I am not that child anymore. I am a strong, resilient, empowered woman with a strong voice and a massive heart who doesn’t tolerate bullshit.

As children, we didn’t have choice, or control, or the knowledge that we were going to be okay.

As adults, we do. As adults, we create our lives through our choices.

I think it is easier to stay where you are safe, as a victim living in the trauma, but it keeps you small and none of us were destined to be small.

As adults, we can change what we aren’t happy with. We can move through and alter patterns. We can own our own shit. And we need to. If you aren’t happy, be honest with yourself, step out of the victim mentality, and own your healing.

Empower yourself.

You are worth that effort.

Unsettled

This doesn’t happen often anymore very much at all. I’m going to own it though now that it has happened.

I’ve woken up with a head heavy with swirling thoughts. I think one of my friends sensed the downward spiral starting yesterday because they randomly asked if I were okay.

I was – mostly – I have been sick and have pushed through except for Tuesday when I cancelled all of the clients I remembered (a sign in itself) and slept through the afternoon.

I’m exhausted. It’s been a big start to the year and feels like December already. The term is almost done, and I decided to write the bloody trauma book lol. It triggered my process last week. This week the process has triggered something.

I dreamed of sexual abuse last night. I can’t remember the dreams. I was not the abused. I feel that. Meh.

I knew the book would be difficult to write. And I know I’ll be okay. I’ll work through whatever this is.

I have already stood on the grass to ground myself. I’m going to do some body groove and I’m going to do a grounding mantra I learned at yoga yesterday.

Once my brain is ready to release whatever emotion it is processing, I’ll work through that too.

Childhood trauma is the gift that keeps giving. Like IVF lol.

Memories, feelings, stuff can come up at any time and knock you. And that’s okay when you have a self-care strategy. I do – years in the making to deal with these times. I won’t slide deep. I know what to do. And I’ll take the time I need to do it by saying no more often.

I’ve got this. You’ve got this. We’ve all got this.

One Choice After Another

One March 1, I started a food program to improve my physical health.

For years, I have been healing the emotional and the psychological aspects of myself, and consolidating and extending the intellectual.

I felt last December that it was time to embrace the physical wellness aspect of myself. I had already worked on loving my body as it was. Embracing all it can and has done for me throughout my life, and just generally being grateful for and to it.

I ordered the Isagenix program the week leading up to the 1st March and was ready to start.

I’m not advocating Isagenix for everyone; I’m sharing my story. I am well aware that it isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. I am advocating for it for me.

A few years ago I looked into the bariatric surgery. It didn’t feel right for me because I believed I needed to work through the reasons I was holding onto my weight or no method would be successful for me. I didn’t just want to lose weight, I wanted to empower holistic health for myself. Hence, starting the process of living my body and expressing gratitude towards it.

Initially, because of the bad press around Isagenix, I felt ashamed of my choice. I felt judgement – this is my perception, and I think it existed because of my old fears of not pleasing people and low feelings of self-worth – and was reluctant to voice my choice.

I am losing weight. But I’m not obsessed about it. This is a marathon and not a sprint. I’ve never felt that way before. The program has also just slipped into my life – fairly easily.

The benefits for me though, extend beyond weight loss. I feel empowered. Truly empowered.

At first, I had more energy. I live a busy life. Energy is great. I felt like I had control over what I put into my mouth and how much I put into my mouth. I’ve become very mindful about my food choices.

I also organised an appointment with my nutritionist, Michelle from Eat to Treat Nutrition. Her aim is to get me off relying on a food program and being knowledgable enough to do the same thing with natural foods, ensuring sound nutritional balance from natural foods. At the moment, she has advised me about good combinations and small changes I can make to ensure that as a vegetarian, I’m getting enough fats etc.

My blood pressure has become relatively normal and amazing for me. I’m sure this is the loss of teaching too and really loving what I’m doing these days.

A couple of weeks ago, I became excited about exercise. I’ve tried to get to a group PT session, but first rain and then illness stifled those plans. Signs from the universe maybe. I am going to Pilates once a week and yoga weekly. And now I’ve discovered Body Groove.

I love dancing, but I’m not a dancer. I have no coordination in following routines – it isn’t organic for my body. But Body Groove seems to work. I love Misty Tripoli and her methods. More than that, I’m getting up, and willingly and easily, doing it. I think I’ve found my groove. Lol – strength (Pilates), fluidity and consciousness (yoga) and now cardio.

Also, when people say to me I look like I’m losing weight, I don’t freak out. A very short time ago, comments would have sent me straight to emotional eating. Not anymore. I’m also resisting cravings. I stop and really think about what it offers me. I haven’t been drawn into a craving yet, close but not filled. I just don’t want to pollute my body. I don’t feel the need to.

I was ready to do this. Isagenix provides a tool that compliments my time poor lifestyle. It is enabling me to make better choices in moving towards all I can be. My mindset and relationship with food is transforming and becoming much healthier.

This too, is a journey. And it is a journey I was ready to take.

I think with emotional weight gain, you need to work on loving yourself and your body before you can lose weight and keep it off. I think that’s something our society doesn’t get.

Meh … my thoughts. I’m happy. I’m on the road to healthy. I’m not feeling shame. I accept I’ve always lived my life my way and I just ain’t normal. Whatever that is 😉