I have had a bit of a yucky week. Woke up on Monday with the beginnings of what became a massive migraine that stayed with me, in a variety of forms, until Friday night. It forced me to really stop – something I struggle to do these days – and so, for that At least, I’m grateful.
I realise I have overcommitted myself this year. Leaving teaching has left me with a small fear of not having enough money and so I have overcommitted myself to my tutoring business. Add to that an inability to say no, and I have some issues to work through lol.
I laugh, but probably shouldn’t be.
All of this is a manifestation of unresolved trauma.
I’ve worked through quite a few layers since leaving for the cruise just before Christmas. Triggers come. I do the work. I resolve that aspect. Cycle continues.
Somewhere in there though, I’ve become vulnerable, a little overwhelmed and a little fearful again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a strong and empowered woman. I am also a work in progress, and sometimes don’t feel quite as strong as I want to.
All of that comes from deserving and self-worth. When I become triggered, when I do the work, I focus on the intellectual and forget to focus on the little girl.
I am not her anymore. I know this. The little girl has evolved into a woman who knows her power and stands in it every day. This grown arse woman though, doesn’t necessarily feel her worth as deeply as she should. The little girl definitely didn’t feel her worth.
This is the long term impact of childhood trauma. Intellectually I know I’m fierce, and lovable, and deserving. Emotionally, maybe not so much.
How do I cross that divide and merge the two?
For me, awareness is a massive thing. Once I’m aware, I start making different choices. I can already feel a shift within me regarding this.
I need to nurture myself: eat better, bless my food, ritualize eating, wear clothes I love, wear beautiful underwear, stand in the grass, hug a tree, play with my pets, laugh, live with intent, connect with old friends, affirm myself, make my life about me, burn candles, declutter my spaces, breathe deeply, meditate to love my inner child and bring her to maturity. Just a few things I can do that work for me.
And, I need to start saying no. People won’t hate me, and if they do, that’s on them and I don’t need them.
Easy to say lol – we all want approval, especially when we are vulnerable. But, we need to approve of ourself first. That comes from affirming that our own needs are as important, more important, than the needs of others.
We can’t give wholeheartedly when we are empty.
I will learn and manifest this. It’s my next layer to peel back.
Have a beautiful and inspired day.