Settling Myself

I didn’t realise I wasn’t great until this week. In fact, I was unsettled and out of sorts last Sunday, but didn’t realise how much out of sorts I was. I probably already had been out of sorts for at least a week.

No surprise really. It’s been a big few weeks. Aunty Val dying, then Jan, and then the Mum of a friend passed. I cried for Jan, I cried for Kerry, but not so much for Aunty Val.

And so, by the end of this week, I felt like my world was well out of balance and was crumbling around me. I was getting jittery and just wanting to hide under my quilt and letting someone else be responsible for everything.

I don’t know if you’ve ever felt so overwhelmed and so disorganized that everything just feels so wrong, like a house of cards, and all it takes is one wrong move and everything comes toppling down.

That’s been me, building steadily, since last Sunday. Probably already unraveling well before that.

Today, I woke up and felt realigned. That’s when I realised I haven’t been as aligned or as okay as I thought I was.

I also don’t talk to people anymore about how I feel or about what’s going on. I’ve learned that I function better and heal/process faster when it’s just me doing it. I am less dramatic in it if I keep it to myself. Also, it doesn’t give me the opportunity to feel sorry for myself if I perceive people aren’t there for me.

I think this makes it difficult for my friends, to be my friend. I maintain it works best for me. We all need to work out what works best for us and then act accordingly.

I also realised how many people rely on me for emotional support. I haven’t been able to give it – in retrospect, another sign I wasn’t okay myself – and couldn’t force it. Often, I’ll look beyond myself and find the resolve. This time, I didn’t. I think I’m growing, but it feels selfish – that old conditioning.

Such massive learning holes opening up everywhere.

We are our own worst enemies. We are enough, and it’s okay to put our own needs first. Lord knows, that’s what I’ve told people for decades.