When my friend Natalie died, I vowed I would live my life consciously and happily to honour her. There isn’t a day that goes by that the people closest to me aren’t in my thoughts. Living and passed.
However, my vow took some time to realise. I lived in, and by grief for a long time. I was grieving Nat’s passing, my guilt, my regret, my infertility, my miscarriage, the unfairness of life, etcetera etcetera.
I have worked hard to become a better person. A person that loves wholeheartedly, but puts self-love first. A person who lives life wholly, and doesn’t just meander along. A person who strives to be her best, to live her best, to ensure nothing is wasted. I get better at this every day.
I’ve worked hard with my therapist/mentor to topple old unhealthy patterns to reinvigorate my spirit and my life. Today, I felt the growth and saw it in action.
I made plans with the daughter to catch up at Easter. In the past, after bad news, I would become invisible, absent, MIA for ages. I would hide from the world so that no one would see my pain; hide away so that I could process what had happened, alone and quietly.
Knowing this, she gave me the out. I didn’t need it. I cried a lot yesterday and I’ve cried some more today. I hate knowing that people are in pain and I can’t fix it. I wish I could.
We all have our own path to walk. We all find our peace in our own time. Today, I showed myself that my legs are stronger and my path has shifted. I can live and process and still love those close to me. I honour lives extinguished too soon. I live. The best way I can.