Where do I start?

Five days in Katoomba to start my Diploma in Sound Healing with two of my soul sisters.

Wow.

I had been feeling that I was losing my way. I could feel that this life was not my best life. And, I had started to feel trapped and fearful. I was no longer standing in my truth.

I set the intention for the course to focus on healing my heath. I need my big arse belly to go.

The journey I took, after setting the intention, has been mind blowing. Mind blowing and multi-faceted.

My big arse belly, which I love deeply, is the result of living in the stress response my whole life – cortisol substituting blood – through my body. It is also the result of emotional eating because of trauma and the resulting belief that I am not worthy of deep love.

I am.

I am worthy of deep love. And I love my big arse belly because she is my inner child and because she has carried me to this point. Because I love her so much, I am going to liberate her. She will no longer be the prisoner of my emotions because I am worthy of deep love, and that starts with me loving myself deeply.

The full moon is here. A powerful full moon in Scorpio. Love and transformation.

I release self-loathing.

I release my beliefs that I am not worthy, that I am not good enough, that I am not deserving.

I release my fears about not having enough because I believed I was not good enough.

I release my inner girl, my big arse belly, and send her to fly freely.

I had forgotten the things that I was living last year. I had forgotten that I deserve abundance, freedom and deep spiritual divine love. I had forgotten that I was worthy of only the very best this life has to offer. I reset this intention here. I am worthy. I am love. I am peace. I am abundance.

I release my outdated beliefs and I reclaim my worthiness.

How did I come here …

We set our intentions and sealed them with sound.

We discovered our blocks through sound.

We transformed our blocks through sound.

We reformed ourselves through sound.

We reclaimed ourselves through sound.

And, we shared space with likeminded people, all at different points on the path, and worked with beautifully souled facilitators holding and nurturing the space, and found ourselves free to explore beneath the layers, peeling them back and discarding them one at a time. And, my soul sisters and I continued the healing and processing together every night at home.

Healing requires intention, safety, support, honesty, trust and a shitload of hard work. It requires owning your own healing whilst someone facilitates a safe space. Sound can be that space; the vibrations and the tones shifting and dissolving those redundant narratives we have held dear for too long.

I have learned so much in the last five days. I have made some small decisions regarding my way forward. And, I am finally ready to stay in my truth amidst the noise of every day life.

Om Shanti πŸ™πŸ»

Oh my Lord.

The intensity of healing is insane. We have just finished Day 3 of our Sound Healing Diploma Course in the Blue Mountains, and it is soooooo intense.

Issues I thought I had resolved have now revealed and shed another layer or twenty. Insecurities I thought I no longer held have come running to the surface to rear their ugly heads. And, if that isn’t enough, I have a fang baring serpent residing in my solar plexus.

I am processing …

Birthdays and Death.

Ohhhh. After I posted about my upcoming birthday (today) last night, I found a private message on Facebook, from a friend, letting me know that another ex-Reddall student had died.

It was late and I debated letting others know that late, finally deciding to let them know. I have no sense of what year Justin graduated; I just remember him and his friends. Years roll on and merge into each other for this old teacher these days.

I’ve been working for weeks. School and my business. As well as trying to put some order into my life, and I’m exhausted. I’m also still reconciling Blake’s death. So, at first, I was just numb. You trace memories of conversations, of defining moments, over in your head. I am grateful for positive and loving memories. However, they make the person real, and their loss more painful.

It would appear Justin chose to die. There has been a huge outpouring of love for him online. He was a gorgeous person. I am sad that he didn’t find a way out or through his pain during life. I also believe there is purpose here somewhere.

In 2008, I had a massive breakdown. I was carrying shame, guilt, decades old pain, and really, just wanted it all to be over. My brain was so coddled that I was able to wear a mask outside and appear functioning, whilst at night I got my affairs in order, found care for my cat, and plotted how I would die.

I was not in a good place.

It was a trip to the Hunter Valley with one of my nearest and dearest that ultimately saved my life that year. That, and I couldn’t get passed the destruction I would be wreaking on the person who would find me. Luckily, a modicum of sanity prevailed.

When I realised I could not take my own life, I pledged to myself that I would live wholly. I would get off the rollercoaster I’d been on for so long and would set goals to work towards. If I was going to live, I was going to live.

And, I have. I stayed on the rollercoaster a while longer (a long while – infertility, miscarriage and IVF cycles are not the best way to stay balanced emotionally 😳 – and then there was wretched but blessed 2016), but as a result of staying on a journey, have moved my life to an almost perfect place.

I don’t tend to experience the extremes anymore. It has taken a hell of a lot of work, but I’m there. I feel blessed, more so every day, for the life I have sculpted and for the people I have collected. It truly has been a massive process, and I’ve slipped towards the precipice many times, but I’m on surer footing now. I’ve established the strategies that work for me when I first see the signs of falling,

If you feel lost, completely lost, reach for help (easier to say than do) or do something to force you to not give up hope. Man, if only it were this simple. I’m just trying to say, I hear you, I see you, I get it, but please stay. And then make the changes you need to make, whatever they are. We all deserve to find our happiness and our way. We all deserve that.

My birthday wisdom this year is that when we choose our lives, we choose our happiness. If we feel stuck, we aren’t choosing life, even if we are still breathing and physically here. Choices make the difference. I think.

The Big 47

So weird. I’m happy about my birthday, but I’m quietly happy.

Last year was a beautiful day; I could not have asked for more. I just felt loved. It was truly beautiful.

For years before that, I didn’t celebrate. The whole infertility thing.

Before that, I always did something, organised something, was somewhere.

This year, I’m just quietly happy.

I’m working. My business; the job I love. And then I’m doing nothing, happily.

I’m so tired at the moment. Any chance to be on my own, I take. So, 47 will come and then it will go, and I will remain happy, knowing that I’m living the life I want to be living right now because it will create the life I want to live permanently.

I am truly blessed. I am truly grateful.

Gender Fluidity and Authenticity

I have heard the term gender fluidity. A few years ago, I had a close friend who was ‘gender fluid’. I thought it meant you were bisexual. In my defence, I am almost forty seven years old.

Today, I had an intriguing and illuminating conversation with someone who was trying to explain what the term means, to me.

This is my disclaimer: I do not mean to cause offence to anyone. I am trying to understand it, and I am blogging about it to help others understand it to minimise ignorance.

Through my discussion earlier today, I have come to understand it more by what it isn’t. My understanding is that it is the eradication of labels of any sort, especially as those labels pertain to gender and issues around gender.

What this means, is that ascribing the terms/labels of boy or girl, brings with it a preconceived bucket of expectations and standards that restrict the freedom of the labelled. To be gender fluid, means to free yourself and your life’s choices from preconceived expectations prescribed by gender.

If we remove the gender expectations, we free the individual to be whatever they choose to be. We empower them to fulfil their true, authentic potential, unrestricted and uninhibited.

This extends to sexuality, I think, by way of enabling one person to love another person irrespective of socially defined and culturally biased mores.

It struck me, as I was in discussion, that this idea is not from the Third Dimension. Here, in the Third Dimension, labels and expectations and boxes creates an ordered society for us. However, it also restricts the potentiality of individuals and our society/planet.

This notion of gender fluidity, as I understand it, is elevated and must be from beyond the Third Dimension. In its ideal form, it moves us to a broader definition of our potential, and of the ideals of love, tolerance and acceptance. In a sense, I think it will move us into a higher energy vibration, alleviating the use for labels.

I can feel my Third Dimension form resisting understanding the potential of this, but my higher self sits quietly, in a state of knowing and acceptance.

I think the Crystal Children are paving the path for the oneness that the Rainbow Children bring with them; they are continuing the Indigo Children’s work of breaking down paradigms and rigid structures.

Throughout the entire discussion, my energy body was very active. Energy courses through my entire body, each cell alive and firing. Our joined energies sat in harmony and for a moment, we were almost one consciousness.

Amazing experience.

Authenticity of the soul and being who we wholly are is how I interpreted it from my life experience. Dreads are organic for and to me. My tattoos are my voice. I am who I am.

For ten or so years, I tried to fit into the boxes, I tried to be normal. As a result, I was not happy and not free. Now, moving away from systems that do not inspire, enable or empower the authentic individual, I am finding the connection to all is returning.

I am freeing me.

Blake

Video today. Words are hard to find at times like this. And, I forgot to mention, probably because it’s too hard, his mum and brother. Watching their grief makes you appreciate the loved ones you do have. None of us should have to lose people we care about. Much love to Lisa and Rory, universe.

Tears That Affirm

There is a show on TLC called The Healer. It features an Australian energy healer called Charlie. I started watching it to see what he was about. I decided to give it a few episodes before I judged.

Forgot who I was I think. The only thing I didn’t really like was that he doesn’t believe he should charge for his services. His choice for his life, but most healers need to pay bills and don’t have a television show.

I watched the fifth episode tonight. I love the show. Like, LOVE it, never want it to end, want to watch it for the rest of my life.

Tonight, I worked out why I love it so much. I had me an epiphany.

I often shed tears during the segments. They aren’t tears of sadness or even of joy. They are a different type of tears. They are affirmation tears gifted to me by the universe.

A woman tonight, Millee, a writer with arthritis and back pain, received healing through Charlie. The look she gave him after she walked the block, I have seen on people’s faces before. As recently as Thursday.

As a healer, I am the vessel or channel or conduit for the energy. It comes through me. It is something that I believe we all have. So, I am not special as such. But, when I channel the energy and people feel something, the look on their face afterwards changes.

They no longer see you as they did before.

It’s so surreal. I saw it twice on Thursday, using the tuning forks. I love it. I love channeling the energy. I love serving those people, and I love when their burdens become lighter.

I think there will be an uprising of energy healers, uniting to save us all. Anyway, this is my true authentic holistic identity. It’s nice to be remembering it and living it.

It’s All About You

Human beings are amazing. Each of us has the potential to survive anything, be anything, do anything, and everything. Even in death, we can inspire and empower others.

So many humans, though, choose not to. We allow ourselves to become stuck, to become crippled, to become small, to not achieve all that we can.

I was stuck for so long. When I reflect, I know that my soul was no longer filled with passion for the work I did. There were moments of passion, but they only served to make me think I hadn’t become stuck.

I learned new pedagogies to support my teaching (which I am and will always be grateful for). I had new adventures, like trying to have a baby (for too many years). I studied and learned new things. I went on annual trips with people I love. But, I was still stuck.

I’ve written about this before. 2016 became a life-changing year for me. I had not listened to the whispers of being stuck, had not listened to the talking or the shouting or the screaming of the universe. I was paralyzed. All I had ever wanted to be was a teacher. Or a writer. I didn’t know what else was out there, and truth be told, I didn’t think there was anything else out there.

When I let fear dictate inaction, the universe decided to give me one more shot before my passion for life was extinguished and I just went through the motions of being alive.

Out of fear, I made a decision at the end of 2015 that would come to haunt me, repeatedly, throughout 2016. Rebelling against fear, and realizing I needed a complete change, I made a decision at the end of 2016 that has saved me life.

I took a year leave from my job. I was lucky to have a boss who saw the need and, even though he knew it would mean the eventual loss of an amazing teacher from the public education system, he approved my leave and didn’t force my hand towards resignation. I will eternally be grateful to and for him for his support during the yuckiest year of my life.

Jumping forced me to do and to try and to experience different things. I saw the potential for my life, for anyone’s life.

None of us have to be stuck. It takes a bit of courage to change things, whatever things might need changing, and a jump doesn’t have to be as extreme as mine was (I hadn’t listened for a long time). We all deserve to be living wholly and happily.

My life is in transition. Last year was my gap year. This year is a consolidating and transitioning year. Next year, who knows.

I won’t be going backwards. I love living again. I love the potential of, and for, my life. Every day is magickal. I feel things again, deeply, everything. And most of it is infinitely positive and happy.

I stop to take photos of beautiful things. I talk to the animals as I drive past them. I notice the trees, the clouds, the sun, the moon, life. I have rituals. I work hard, with love. I trust. I have faith. I smile, from my heart.

This … this, was worth the jump.

When I Grow Up, I Wanna Be

I had an epiphany on the way to my mentoring appointment today. I was listening to Sage Levine again, hoping for inspiration regarding what I want to do with my life.

I love tutoring, with my whole soul, but it’s transitional. I need a business that is mobile. By 55, I want to be living on my land in my cottage on the cliffs by the ocean, with Tracey and Dave on the same plot, and others who would like to join us in our utopia.

I haven’t been stressed about this. I have known that when the time is right, the epiphany would occur. Today, it did.

Life mentor. I want to empower others to empower themselves to live their best lives.

Some people say that a lot of the inspirational posts are simplistic and superficial and, basically, no good. They are wrong. Those posts serve as reminders. As sign posts. As ideals.

I have been stuck. I became unstuck. I’m living my best life and it’s only getting better.

It’s about process. About knowing what brings you happiness. About courage. About truth, honesty and risk.

Epiphanies are gold. I feel like I have an occupational purpose again. It’s good.

In This Together

What a week. I feel so drained today. For so many reasons.

My business has grown again this week. I’ve made the decision to work my butt off this year, sacrifice some social time, to consolidate the client base and establish my reputation. I feel that this will allow me to really move towards leaving teaching sooner than I originally anticipated.

It will also enable a very strong financial foundation going into next year. My finances are much better, but I have ongoing expenses that mean my savings aren’t strong. I am looking at the positives though, and I am paying in cash for things I need. Nothing grand. Things like new tyres for the car, servicing, etc.

My true love is healing though. I really want to focus on growing that side of my business. I’m also learning to set boundaries on my healing skills. This means that I’m not completely wrecked like I once would have been in a week like this one.

Interesting times. Scott Pape’s The Barefoot Investor and John Dimartini’s How To Make One Hell of a Profit and Still Get To Heaven have done more than restructure my finances. They have empowered me to start to really see and appreciate my worth. The services I offer, in business, at school, and in my life, really are valuable.

I am valuable.

And, appreciating this, empowers me to live my life differently. I’m not as scared or nervous of asking for what I need. And the guilt I feel is less. Significantly – a twinge only now. I need to put my welfare first, my needs, my dreams. It’s okay to support and empower others, but we need to live the dream too.