The Pressure

I received a message from my sister as I was leaving a friend’s home last night. I had an hour and a half drive ahead of me. The message (we always fear the absolute worst) shocked me and so I called her straight away.

Not the absolute worst, but notice that that day is coming for a family friend.

I felt pressured. The mind plays funny games in moments like this.

I went straight to my schedule. Three days at school this week and clients every afternoon until Thursday night. The only time off this week is Wednesday day.

Then to, can I miss a day off school? Not really. Can I cancel clients? Not really.

Then, realisation that I have a couple of cancellations.

Okay.

Selfish this will sound, but I’m tired. Tired of all of this. My emotions are spent. I don’t have much left in the tank. An introvert working six days a week in two jobs: one that I love and another that puts me into stressful situations. I’m trying to balance work, business and a social/family life.

Selfish it is. Self-care, Tina. That’s what you always preach. But, a fear of upsetting others, of letting people down, of not being enough, comes to the fore.

You’re no use to others if you don’t look after yourself first.

Yes, but …

priorities. What are mine?

Where does everything fit?

I have woken with a headache. A to do list a mile long. A desire to run. Or hide. Or to go to the beach.

I’ll work this out. Me first. Everything else, second.

Follow those thoughts. All the while, the soundtrack of a family friend dying, playing in the background. The mind is powerful. Focus on the immediate, ignore the impending. Deal with it when it happens. Ensure no regrets.

Tick things off your list. Make it happen. Self-care. Choices.

What makes you happy? Processing. Values. Feed those. Do that stuff. Emotionally. Spent. No more to give. Hide.

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