I am at a real tipping point in my life. Taking last year away from consistent classroom teaching to travel and build a business has irrevocably changed me.
I cannot go backwards.
On Friday last week, I went to my Demartini session with Mai Mai, and we started to focus attention on blocks I have to money (my poverty consciousness). I have some homework to do, but before I could get too far into it, the universe started sending me signs.
Before last year, I worked long hours and would spend most of the weekend fatigued and/or sick on the lounge. Sure signs that something was wrong and I wasn’t living my best life, and signs that I felt helpless about for a long time. What else could I do?
Last weekend, I was sick and I was fatigued.
On Monday at work, my class was called a derogatory name by a student walking past our room, and the same student then called me a name. Another student, shortly after, gave me a mouthful and called me a name.
I don’t care about the names. Water off a duck’s back these days. But, I don’t want to live my life like that. I’m doing my job, still passionate about empowering my kids to learn and to be their best selves, and I (nor anyone else) deserves it needs this garbage in their lives.
Then, Tuesday, my walls of protection are gone, and some students were so arrogant and rude towards me that I stood in front of another group of kids with tears rolling down my face, and me unable to stop them.
No longer my life.
From my sessions with Mai Mai I have learned to consciously look for the support in all situations, minimising and neutralising the negative charge of mis-perception. So, I could see the overwhelming support from the other students, group hugs and ensuring I knew I was valued.
I owned my truth and they owned their truth. Beautiful symbiosis. Perfect moment, really.
Yesterday, Years 5 and 6 students from our local feeder schools came. I taught some of these kids last year casually. They were so excited to see me again. Some ran through the playground to reconnect. I have made a positive impact in education.
I ran into an ex- student on Tuesday night. They were so loving and warm towards me. Yes, I’ve made a positive impact. I still am. My classes adore me, as I adore them.
That’s what makes teachers leaving teaching difficult. You don’t want to let these kids down.
But, there comes a point when you start to value yourself more, and the politics and increasing administrative workload of teaching is too much.
I’m there. Yesterday, I had to cancel my clients because half an hour before school finished, I started sweating, shaking and had to leave the classroom twice to release whatever was in my body. Sane continued at home. There is no stronger sign that you are not where you are meant to be.
I love my tutoring clients (thank you, Karyn) – who ever would have thought – and that work lights a fire in my soul; there are no negatives and all obstacles have solutions. And, I really am a healer more than a teacher now (or, I own who I have always been more now). I want to grow that part of my business. And, I want to write.
I can’t be wholly me whilst my time is spent living someone else’s life, even for five days a fortnight. Still need bills to be paid though. So, I’m at a tipping point.
I am going to have to restructure my business and my time and finish my work on poverty consciousness with Mai Mai. Then, the universe will shift and I will shift accordingly.
Fear is a powerful thing. It can keep us stuck in something that no longer serves us. It is okay to leap. Whenever I have leaped, I have succeeded. The universe always conspires to help us live our best life. If we are on our right path, we don’t live in misery, stagnation or fear. Twenty seconds of courage.
That’s all it takes.
I commit to change coming sooner rather than later. I commit to doing the work. I commit to change.
This full moon, I will be shedding this skin during ritual. I don’t like feeling sick, feeling swollen, feeling cortisol course through my body again, immobilizing my shoulders, back and legs. It’s not who I want to be.