Aaargghhhhhhhhhhhh

I have always said that one of the hardest parts of teaching is giving your heart to the little creatures. When they suffer, your heart breaks because you just can’t fix the things that hurt them. When things go wrong for them, you just want to hold them in your arms until life is safe again.

I don’t always remember every student’s name, but there are a lot who stand out for all types of reasons. The kids that struggle, that have stories to tell, that are survivors of something, I always remember.

Coming back this year from a year away has been confusing. It’s taken me the better part of this term to realise that the kids continued to learn and grow whilst I was gone. Some kids left and I’m just realising they aren’t at school anymore.

But, you always figure you’ll see them at some point, somewhere. And with social media, we all reconnect at some point anyway.

Five years ago, I taught a Year 7 class for English. I adored them. This time five years ago, we had established a healthy relationship, but the classes were about to change. During that first term though, I gave my heart to the kids in this class. They were such a mixed bag.

I have just found out that one of those kids died yesterday in a horrible car crash. His best friends and his family are grieving.

The best thing about teaching in this modern world, is the kids and the relationships you build with them. I have been to too many funerals for kids. I will be attending another.

Us teachers love the kids we teach. It’s a special bond. My colleagues at one of the schools I taught casually at last year, went through this whilst I was there. Us teachers really feel the loss. We become so invested.

This kid wasn’t a model student, but he had a heart of gold and was a real fighter. He deserved to live a great life and to become a wonderful man.

Another reminder that life is short. I’m raw. No words. Sending love and warm hugs to those suffering. Wishing that was enough.

The Pressure

I received a message from my sister as I was leaving a friend’s home last night. I had an hour and a half drive ahead of me. The message (we always fear the absolute worst) shocked me and so I called her straight away.

Not the absolute worst, but notice that that day is coming for a family friend.

I felt pressured. The mind plays funny games in moments like this.

I went straight to my schedule. Three days at school this week and clients every afternoon until Thursday night. The only time off this week is Wednesday day.

Then to, can I miss a day off school? Not really. Can I cancel clients? Not really.

Then, realisation that I have a couple of cancellations.

Okay.

Selfish this will sound, but I’m tired. Tired of all of this. My emotions are spent. I don’t have much left in the tank. An introvert working six days a week in two jobs: one that I love and another that puts me into stressful situations. I’m trying to balance work, business and a social/family life.

Selfish it is. Self-care, Tina. That’s what you always preach. But, a fear of upsetting others, of letting people down, of not being enough, comes to the fore.

You’re no use to others if you don’t look after yourself first.

Yes, but …

priorities. What are mine?

Where does everything fit?

I have woken with a headache. A to do list a mile long. A desire to run. Or hide. Or to go to the beach.

I’ll work this out. Me first. Everything else, second.

Follow those thoughts. All the while, the soundtrack of a family friend dying, playing in the background. The mind is powerful. Focus on the immediate, ignore the impending. Deal with it when it happens. Ensure no regrets.

Tick things off your list. Make it happen. Self-care. Choices.

What makes you happy? Processing. Values. Feed those. Do that stuff. Emotionally. Spent. No more to give. Hide.

Miserable Weather

We have had sunny, warm (hot) days for so long, I had almost forgotten how refreshing cooler, wet weather could be.

So quickly, the grass has gone from brown near death to lush green. It didn’t take long.

A timely reminder to water and nourish our own selves.

Just sayin’.

Haim Ginott, I know. I forgot.

I had to get something for one of my kids from the staff room today. Today was smooth. It was a nice change. I felt me again.

I did some soul searching during the weekend. I revisited my lessons for this week and put some Tina mojo into them. I tried to inspire and to really teach, not just administer lessons. I got in early. I was focused.

I left the class to go to the staff room. The kids were settled and calm and happy and engaged and learning.

I remembered my teaching quote. A quote that has governed my practice for as long as I can remember.

I am the deciding influence; I make or break the mood, and the kids.

I grinned.

I had forgotten. Today, I remembered, and today I was closer to a tool of inspiration rather than an instrument of torture, for most kids.

A Moment

I’ve learned something today.

My middle fur kid has displayed significant behaviour problems recently. He’s usually pretty much perfect, but the last few weeks have proved hard for him.

I woke up, not for the first time in recent weeks, sick. Sore throat, snotty nose, lethargic.

I decided to stay home. Disappoint people, but look after me. I’m worth it, you see. Hehe.

Best decision.

House is clean. Washing is done. Tutoring lessons done. School prep done. Lawns mowed. Bedroom re-ordered. All washing put away.

The introvert has recharged her batteries and doesn’t feel like she’s starting the week already chasing her tail.

Just wanted to share the moment of success.

New Moon Intentions

Today, I transplanted the mint I started growing last new moon, with my intentions still in the soil, into the garden.

When I reflect on the past month, I can see how those intentions have started manifesting in my life.

Obviously, the one with the most success to date, is the multi-millionaire intention. Interestingly, my intention for owning my own worth has also been manifesting.

Demartini says that one cannot exist without the other. It makes sense. To earn money, the big bucks, you need to possess an inherent belief that you are worthy of the big bucks.

This year’s journey is not as exciting as last year’s year of travel, in a superficial way, but is remarkably exciting with its promise of regeneration and renewal.

A seed blooming šŸ˜œ.

Tonight, I will set this month’s intentions. I am not entirely sure what they will be.

Fair Exchange

Dr John Demartini, in his book, How To Make One Hell Of A Profit And Still Get To Heaven, refers to the universal law of fair exchange. I have read this chapter twice now. Both times, epiphany after epiphany.

My self-aware focus at the moment is to receive graciously.

I become overwhelmed and clumsy, and downright ungracious, when someone does something for me, compliments me, loves me, likes me, talks to me, says nice things about spending time with me, or working with me, and it has to change. I’ve tried to be better by acknowledging the nice thing, whatever it is, but ultimately, I just feel clumsy.

My business, in particular, is providing many opportunities/confrontations of this type. My clients refer me to other people. They value my service. They value what I do. They value me.

A struggle for me.

As much as I have grown, deep down in the wounds, I still struggle to see my worth. I struggle to see that I am, basically, a good person worthy of everything her heart desires.

And, the Law of Fair Exchange, went straight to the heart of this for me. I give a lot to others. I need to be willing to receive from others. If I don’t, my life, and the universe, falls out of alignment. The crux of my financial status rests here.

I give. I must receive. That equals balance. Balance equals prosperity. I express gratitude rather than discomfort, and that nurtures prosperity.

If I set clear guidelines for payment and expectations of and for my clients in my business, everyone feels comfortable, knows where they stand, and balance is achieved. If I fail to set clear guidelines and boundaries, our needs become confused, and balance is compromised. This leaves us all feeling out of sorts.

I am currently charging below my worth. I am finally embracing this (thank you, Mai Mai). I have much growth to do in this area. But, I’m on the path, and I think I now get it.

Fair Exchange also works for relationships. We need to receive as much as we give, give as much as we receive, and when we do, the relationship is healthy. If we don’t, we lose the relationship or let it go.

Balance, equilibrium, fairness, serves us all. There is enough for all. We are not in competition. We only lose when we act as if we are.

I think …

The Fear of Change

If you read this blog regularly, you know that this week I have opened new bank accounts. Scott Pape, the Barefoot Investor, suggests that you open online bank accounts without fees. He then suggests that you have your pay transferred directly into the Everyday account.

Logical. It ensures that the $1000 deposit per month happens with minimal fuss and effort.

Terrified me.

It is only during the last 24 hours that I have started to feel comfortable with letting go of a bank account I have held for over twenty years. An account that has seen every cent I’ve ever earned as a teacher go through it. The rigmarole of reorganizing my direct debits is a little overwhelming, but I’ll do it.

Slowly.

I’m giving myself time for the crossover between old and new.

This is a small change in my life, realistically.

However, the fear and discomfort of traversing new ground holds for all change. Large and small.

Change, letting go of what was, is not easy.

Vital for growth, but not easy.

And, sometimes, we find we are ready to change, but we need to have patience before we are in the best possible position to jump.

I’ve sat with leaving teaching for a few months. My heart and head, surprisingly, are ready. My finances are not. My business is strong, but I need to pay off some debts before I am able to jump. I could do it now, but the stress it would cause is not worth it. In the long term, patience will be rewarded with a stronger financial foundation and I won’t need to sacrifice as much as I would need to now.

This small process though, holds for bigger changes. Whenever we move from one state of being to another, it is hard. And there are moments afterwards, when we are in transition, letting go of the old and creating the new, where loneliness/fear/trepidation take over, and it doesn’t matter how horrible the old was, we long for the comfort of knowing.

Courage. Don’t go backwards. Breathe deeply through the transition. Hold onto your hopes and dreams.

This too, my friends, shall pass.

Banging On lol

So, had a shocker yesterday. Not a tearful shocker or a sad shocker, but a stressful shocker. I left home at 7 yesterday morning and arrived home again at ten to midnight last night.

School was fine until after lunch. That’s 1135am. After that, the kids became unsettled as tensions grew. My school has a very unjustified bad reputation. There are significantly more good things happening than negative.

However, yesterday afternoon, two new students (one arrived this year and the other last year) decided to start trouble with each other. The kids sense this and tension rises. We handle it as a school; we don’t ignore it. That keeps kids and staff safe. It makes work harder though, balancing every one’s needs as well as your own. By the end of a busy school day, my shoulders were tight and my neck stiff. I carry stress in these areas. A slight hum of migraine started.

I woke late this morning, skipped yoga as a result, and ended up getting a massage. Good decision. My shoulders, neck and back are looser. I feel better. A bridge between the stress of yesterday and the potential of today.

Self care, my friends, self care. Always put this first. No employer, no job, no commitment, nothing, is worth compromising your own well-being. At the end of the day, you are responsible for your self first. If you can’t function at your best, you reduce your chances of happiness and fulfillment. Everyone suffers at this point, not just you.

It’s almost selfish to push through when you can’t.

Look after you first. You won’t regret it.

Barefoot Investor Update

Well. Friday last week I saw Mai Mai. I took my DeMartini money homework and felt a shift in my attitude towards money and finance. I had had some difficult communications regarding money, and had started to appreciate the value and quality of the services I offer my clients.

Mai Mai recommended a book that I have been contemplating/drawn to every month on Audible, but hadn’t purchased because of what I now realize was my fear of finance. I listened to the universe and Mai Mai, and downloaded it when I arrived home.

I started listening to it on Saturday morning and my life changed.

This week, I paid more bills and seem to have caught up on those. I’ve booked my car in for new tyres (mine are almost gone), I’ve opened new bank accounts and organized a time to close the old ones, I’ve checked out my superannuation account, compared my private health insurance to others and will be getting rid of my extras package (which I’ve never used), listed all of my debts and all of my fortnightly expenses, and have analysed my income for March.

Because of my business, my income can change in the months of school holidays, so I’ve started April’s sheet too. I will be generating less income during April because of the school holidays.

Sadly, I’ve cancelled my travel plans for this year to get ahead financially. The hard work now, and for this year, should ensure that my finances stabilize, which means I will be in a good position to take leave from school teaching next year (fingers crossed I’m allowed to).

If this happens, I will have the time to build the healing side of my business and become self-sustainable. This will provide more time for me to write and I should achieve greater balance and have less stress (significantly), and this should see an improvement in my health.

It is a great feeling to take control. I just needed the tools. The things I’m good at, I’m great at. For the things I’m not good at, like everyone else, I need an easy plan to follow, I need to develop the skills through acquiring the knowledge.

If you are not where you want to be financially, I cannot recommend Scott’s book, The Barefoot Investor, highly enough. He’s humble, funny, and speaks at a layman level (most of the time).