The Difficulty in Receiving

The hardest thing about not having, is being open to receiving and believing you are worthy of receiving.

Anyone who knows me, knows how much I struggle to receive. Give me a gift, or offer to pay for something, and watch my face screw up as I writhe in my own discomfort.

I have always been this way; however, it has only been during the latter stages of this year that I have owned it, articulated it and explored it deeply. As a result, I’m working on changing it.

This attitude has emerged from an imbalanced perception I hold of my worth in this world. I know that I am a good person. I know that I am also a bad person (if we are talking in binary opposites, and apparently, this morning, I am lol).

I have entrenched the belief that I am unworthy of receiving. The ‘universe’ functions in a state of complete balance at all times, hence my binary opposites. So, logically, it also holds that I am completely worthy of receiving.

I don’t embody this because my perception has become imbalanced. I was fed a narrative as a child that I internalised and continued to write for myself, without ever fact checking. I am worthy as much as I am unworthy. I just am.

I have done the same with money. Obviously, my savings went this year, travelling and living and paying bills. I am happier than I have ever been, but/and I am living on very little. However, whilst I don’t need much to live, I want more because (and I needed to work this out – I’ve always believed money is at the root of all evil) I want to be in a stronger position to give to others.

I want to be able to subsidise and donate healing and workshops to disenfranchised women and girls, to empower them to live their best lives. At the moment, I cannot afford to do that because I am operating from a misperception of lack.

I need to open to receive to be able to achieve. I’ve become Dr Zeus’s lol.

My head is buzzing this morning. I need to Demartini some of my money triggers/memories to bring them back to neutral.

As a young child, I received a desk and books for Christmas. My sisters received dolls and toys. I initially felt betrayed by my parents. I wanted pretty nice things too. I felt different and angry. However, those gifts propelled my learning forward.

Reading taught me grammar and gave me imagination. It ultimately empowered me to write and escape a dysfunctional home for hours on end. The desk enabled me to do my homework and study, inspiring solid results at school, enabling me entry to university, escape from home, a career that has been fulfilling and that ultimately, paved the way and provided for me during my year away from it.

It was as it should be. Whilst I felt that I lacked, this was an imbalanced perception. I was being supported at the same time. Yes, I wanted what my sisters received, but I was ultimately happier with my gifts. Balance.

Meh. Welcome to my brain. It rarely stops lol.

I am working on receiving without fear, without cringing, without guilt. This is one of my intentions for now and into the new year.

What are your intentions?

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