Saying Yes – Listening to the Universe

And, they did. I found this in my Facebook News Feed at the end of 2016. It popped up in my Memories yesterday. If it resonated in 2016, it reverberated throughout my entire soul yesterday.

Today is the last day of the year that has transformed my life and brought me back to me. It came after many years of pain. Recovering from sexual and physical abuse, miscarriage and failed IVF cycles, issues at work culminating in The Investigation, and massive work bringing myself back to my path to learn the lessons I came here to learn.

When I reflect on the year I have had, it wouldn’t have become possible without one word.

Yes.

Come to India? Yes.

Embrace India? Yes.

Meet new people? Yes.

Cruise to Tassie? Yes.

Roll down a hill. Yes.

Travel to see the people you met in india? Yes.

Snorkelling? Yes.

Stay with my family? Yes.

Accept this healing massage? Yes.

Come to the cabin with witches? Yes.

Look for UFOs? Yes.

Come to my wedding in Las Vegas? Yes.

See the Grand Canyon? Yes.

Sound Healing in Katoomba? Yes.

Past Life Regression? Yes.

Soul Tribe expansion? Yes.

Hay House Writers Workshop? Yes.

Uluru? Yes.

Road Trip? Yes.

Cambodia? Yes.

Room with me? Yes.

Vietnam? Yes.

Book Proposal? Yes.

Start a business? Yes.

Tutor my child? Yes.

Expand your heart? Yes.

Be insanely happy? Yes.

Forge a new path forwards? Yes.

Set new goals and intentions? Yes.

Continue your own healing? Yes.

Demartini session? Yes.

Red Tent group? Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I listened, really listened, and made the choice to say yes to opportunity this year. Saying yes has made the difference.

Was I scared? Fuck, yes, I was scared. But, man, that fear, acknowledging it, doing it all anyway, has changed my life. I’m living with passion again. The passion I once possessed for teaching has grown into a passion for living.

My desire to give has returned. I have developed appropriate boundaries by saying YES to putting my needs first. I no longer give from a position of lack.

I have new goals. Vietnam in 2018. Machu Picchu in 2018. Sound Healing practitioner in 2018. Finish and publish my book in 2018.

Longer term: become a multimillionaire so that I can provide my healing services to women who are disconnected, surviving domestic violence, for free. I want to empower people to live their own best life, whatever that might look like, and I want to be able to do that without worrying about paying my bills. I also want to move to the ocean on acreage and live with my people close by. And, I want chickens. And probably more dogs or cats or cows or horses. I want an ark. Tina’s Ark.

I intend continuing to say yes to what feels right, and no to what doesn’t fit my values system. That has worked to this point.

Thank you to the word YES. Thank you to bravery. Thank you to everything and everyone that has brought me to this point.

Massive changes for me in my perception of what is possible.

The Difficulty in Receiving

The hardest thing about not having, is being open to receiving and believing you are worthy of receiving.

Anyone who knows me, knows how much I struggle to receive. Give me a gift, or offer to pay for something, and watch my face screw up as I writhe in my own discomfort.

I have always been this way; however, it has only been during the latter stages of this year that I have owned it, articulated it and explored it deeply. As a result, I’m working on changing it.

This attitude has emerged from an imbalanced perception I hold of my worth in this world. I know that I am a good person. I know that I am also a bad person (if we are talking in binary opposites, and apparently, this morning, I am lol).

I have entrenched the belief that I am unworthy of receiving. The ‘universe’ functions in a state of complete balance at all times, hence my binary opposites. So, logically, it also holds that I am completely worthy of receiving.

I don’t embody this because my perception has become imbalanced. I was fed a narrative as a child that I internalised and continued to write for myself, without ever fact checking. I am worthy as much as I am unworthy. I just am.

I have done the same with money. Obviously, my savings went this year, travelling and living and paying bills. I am happier than I have ever been, but/and I am living on very little. However, whilst I don’t need much to live, I want more because (and I needed to work this out – I’ve always believed money is at the root of all evil) I want to be in a stronger position to give to others.

I want to be able to subsidise and donate healing and workshops to disenfranchised women and girls, to empower them to live their best lives. At the moment, I cannot afford to do that because I am operating from a misperception of lack.

I need to open to receive to be able to achieve. I’ve become Dr Zeus’s lol.

My head is buzzing this morning. I need to Demartini some of my money triggers/memories to bring them back to neutral.

As a young child, I received a desk and books for Christmas. My sisters received dolls and toys. I initially felt betrayed by my parents. I wanted pretty nice things too. I felt different and angry. However, those gifts propelled my learning forward.

Reading taught me grammar and gave me imagination. It ultimately empowered me to write and escape a dysfunctional home for hours on end. The desk enabled me to do my homework and study, inspiring solid results at school, enabling me entry to university, escape from home, a career that has been fulfilling and that ultimately, paved the way and provided for me during my year away from it.

It was as it should be. Whilst I felt that I lacked, this was an imbalanced perception. I was being supported at the same time. Yes, I wanted what my sisters received, but I was ultimately happier with my gifts. Balance.

Meh. Welcome to my brain. It rarely stops lol.

I am working on receiving without fear, without cringing, without guilt. This is one of my intentions for now and into the new year.

What are your intentions?

New Skills 😳

I have spent the majority of today, to this point, creating a new website for my healing business, Akashic Healing.

Oh my gosh! It’s been a monumental task. I will definitely be leaving my professional writer’s website to the professionals.

Having said that, I’m mostly happy with the result. As I learn more, it will more closely resemble what I would like it to look like and do.

Until you try something new, like learning a foreign language (aka building a website) you have no idea what your potential is. I have a newfound respect for anyone that gets technology.

My head has a dull ache and I haven’t eaten in hours. I became absolutely consumed. An hour and a half passed in minutes before I even cared to try to get the remote back from the dog. Didn’t ultimately bother; he sensed my intention and cheekily took off, remote wedged firmly in mouth.

I’ll get it soon enough. It’s a battle of attrition when he gets the remote. His patience is growing; he used to give up after half an hour. Now, like me, he can wait hours before giving up. Thank god, he hasn’t taught the puppy this trick.

Beyond the website and the remote, I also spent some time teaching myself how to use Sparks to create advertising for my tutoring business (January Study Skills sessions).

I think they look great, but I started in Illustrator (another foreign language) then to Photoshop before liking Sparks. I’m almost fifty; technology and I are not great mates. We are slowly growing in our relationship, but realistically, only out of necessity.

What a learning day! Hard work. Time to wrestle Max for the remote – he muted the sound hours ago and I’m now ready to numb my brain.

Akashic Healing

Values, Judgement and Empowerment

Every single one of us has the power to make a difference to other people, thereby changing our world. In every second, we have this power, whether we see it or not.

I try to use this power for good. I don’t always succeed, but more often than not, I think I might.

I’m a little addicted to social media when I have free time. I read a lot of articles and a lot of posts. I love reading the comments. However, sometimes they also challenge me. People can be very aggressive and very unthinking in their responses (yes, I mean unthinking instead of unthoughtful). I try to think carefully before I respond; sometimes I initially misinterpret the intent of a comment. If I responded without thinking, I could cause pain to someone by minimising them. I do not like doing this to other people.

I think we should all be a little more measured in our comments. And, in our thoughts and actions beyond the internet.

Something I have been practising learning since Uluru is my need to bash people with healing strategies. One of my core values is healing and the belief that we all should be striving to be the best we can be by healing what isn’t right within us. As a result, if you tell me something, I’ll go into Miss Fix-It mode and start healing you.

I am learning and trying to remember that sometimes, just sometimes lol, people don’t want a solution or pathway out, they just want to be heard. I am also learning that not everyone wants to be healed or is ready to start the process. I struggle with this too. It works against my values. But, I’m learning.

My values, upon last assessment, encompass healing/empowerment, learning and spirituality, and developing and strengthening my business practice.

By spending more time in the areas of my values, I am finding greater happiness and fulfilment in my life. They have also enabled and empowered me to learn better communication with others because I am more conscious of how my values impact my relationships with others.

We are not all the same. Understanding our differences empowers stronger relationships, fosters inner peace, and enables happiness. Understanding why we respond in certain ways enables us to be better friends and citizens, less judgemental and more open. In turn, this broadens our world and our experiences. Our lives and our selves become richer.

And, this can only be a good thing.

I worked my values out from the link below, using the worksheets that Peter has posted. It is something you might choose to do over the next couple of days.

All of the instructions are there and it is easy to do:

https://www.businessisbliss.com.au/demartini-method

How?

So, I keep saying follow your heart, jump and you’ll be okay, pausing my old life was the best thing I ever did, and things like those. But, how? How do we do this if we have kids, a mortgage, people to care for, no time, etc?

In small ways. Any change starts a ripple that could eventually turn into a tide of change. If that’s what you need.

I needed to jump. You may not need to or can’t. And, that’s okay.

I was feeling dead. I was just going through the motions of living. I was working long hours, coming home and watching mindless television or surfing the internet, getting sick all of the time, and sleeping most weekends. I was miserable. However, I was mostly competent at work (some inconsistencies in marking one task) and was putting on a brave face most of the time.

That’s not life. People comment now on my eyes. They have repeatedly said that my eyes have changed: they are alive, your eyes sparkle. Yes. Because I’m happy. Because I’m living.

It starts with one step.

1. What in your life brings you the least joy?

2. Write it all down, or say it out loud.

3. Are there things on that list that can be delegated and done by someone else (maybe not to the same quality, but well enough)? If so, delegate (at home AND at work). Is there anything you can just stop doing without the world self-destructing (maybe a cleaner once every six months to do the windows, or a cleaner every month to give you one weekend off, or a gardener or handyman occasionally to give you some time off)?

4. What things, that you already do, bring you the most joy?

5. What other things, that you don’t have time for, would you do if you had the time?

6. For the things you listed in 4 and 5, make a plan to do one of those things more or at least once during the next month. I’m not asking you to change your entire world overnight, just take small steps.

It could be as simple as getting up ten minutes earlier to stand outside with your face to the sun for five minutes before your day starts. It could be as complex as planning a camping trip or a weekend away in four weeks time, or for right now.

It is up to you. We are not machines. We do not have to live our lives without happiness and inspiration; it only takes one small change to change your perception of your world. Even if you feel happy enough, why not spend extra time doing something you really love to bring you a little extra joy.

It is Christmas, after all, and ’tis the season to be jolly falalalalala lalalala.

Merry Christmas Eve.

And, if you do try the above, drop me a line and let me know how you go. This is a mini version of a chapter in my new book (currently being written).

And remember, twenty seconds of courage. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Just stop making excuses. It’s your life, and it’s a short one. You deserve to live the way you want. Free your mind.

Thank you Paula Chalker for permission to use the image.

Deep Breaths

This time last year, I was excited by the potential of a new life. I was also absolutely terrified. That I wouldn’t have enough money. That I would fail. That I would be a hot mess for the entire year. That nothing would change. That I wouldn’t have enough money. That I wouldn’t have enough money. That I wouldn’t have enough –

You get the idea. More than all of that though, I was terrified I wouldn’t see it through. That everything would become too hard and I would just go back to what I knew. For the fourth time in my life, I had to jump, because if I didn’t, I knew I would be starving my life and my soul of something it needed, to breathe.

I think we know when we are hitting that point. We feel lost, stagnant, as if we are dying whilst we stand. We either become depressed or we change something. I had to change something.

So, I did.

From the outside, I guess it looks like I up and left my life. Big step. Lots of courage required. But, the truth is, I just put a pause on the life I lived. I created space to see what else my life could be. By doing this, I opened my life up, took the things I loved doing, and the space was there to do them.

I said yes to every opportunity, even if the opportunity was scary. I paused life as it was, and with it, I paused fear. As I’ve often said, twenty seconds of courage – acknowledge the fear, and then remind it that it isn’t driving the car (thanks, Liz Gilbert The Big Magic).

I have expanded. My life has expanded. I am happy.

At some point during the year, I let go of the fear of not enough money and really started to trust that I will always have enough. I am now working on becoming a multimillionaire within ten years, but that’s another story for another day. Especially as I face a January without income (or very little income because I will only receive what I generate for myself – and I’m cool with that. I think my bills are covered).

I have had many highlights this year. Many. I have been humbled beyond belief by the love that has opened within my life. I have been humbled by the growth of my business. I have been humbled by the sheer number of beautiful people and beautiful experiences I have encountered this year. I am in love with my life again. I am learning to see myself through the eyes of others, and loving who I am.

We create our lives. We create who we are. We create the potential and we create the lack of potential. We are in charge.

It might not be easy, but it’s easier than continuing to live a life that you don’t enjoy, and that is slowly killing your spirit and your happiness.

I am very poor. I am very happy. I needed to come to this point to embrace the riches I have, outside of money, so that the next chapters in my life generate both equally. Having money in a life not loved makes us rabid consumers and breaks our connection to who we authentically are. I am now living a life I love, it fuels trust that I will always be provided for, and generates the desire to earn more to enable the sharing of wealth with others.

It’s been an interesting year. The moment that best encapsulates it for me occurred very early on, during February, in Western Australia, when Mel taught me to snorkel.

Oh my. I still feel the fear, then the conquering of the fear as the cool water streamed past my face, stroking my cheeks, as my eyes opened to a whole other world under the surface of the water. It’s beauty caught my breath then, and holds it still.

What a wonderful life. What a wonderful world.

What will you do to create your best life?

Them December Shivers

Summer Solstice today. Ascension, enlightenment, return to the divine. Also, not coincidentally I am sure, the anniversary of my friend, Natalie’s, passing from this physical world into another, five years ago.

Time moves quickly when you count it in years. Yet, some memories stay. On this day, five years ago, I did not care about Summer Solstice and whether it was today or yesterday or tomorrow. I was exhausted. Emotionally fatigued. I had visited Nat at the hospital, sat with her, chatted to her, apologised to her, said goodbye to her.

I had been carrying a lot of guilt for not having been around as much. I dropped out of contact after another failed pregnancy attempt. Within myself, I hadn’t been sure how to reconnect after grief and had hidden myself in a new friendship to try to find a way through, that also ultimately failed. Then, I was grieving that.

It is what it is. Life sometimes gets in the way and you just don’t expect your friends will die.

When I arrived home that afternoon, I just sat on my lounge, staring at the wall, absentmindedly patting my dog. I was waiting for the text from her husband or kids to let me know she had moved on. Waiting. Reflecting on how her passing would impact so many people, but more importantly, her husband, brother, parents and kids.

Abruptly, my dog jumped from the lounge and moved in front of the chair Nat had always sat in, tail wagging and barking. I felt her.

Then, shortly after, the message came.

Nat’s passing has taught me a lot. I always believed that there was more, that our soul lives did not end with our bodies. I had always believed that souls could still communicate with those on this earthly plane if we were open to it.

Nat and I have had many wonderful conversations since her passing. Sceptics might argue that it is the way I have processed my grief and my guilt, and not really real. But, I believe otherwise.

At first, obviously, I thought I was going crazy. It took me a while to realise that it wasn’t just me making stuff up, projecting my thoughts into an alternate reality. Her voice was real, her smile, her laugh, her being.

One of my friends during this time, a medium, contacted me one night with a message from Nat. It was undeniable that Nat was communicating because my friend had no way of knowing about the information she shared with me. In fact, only two people outside Nat and myself knew about it. It centred around a conversation Nat and I had had a couple of years earlier concerning her treatment.

The message that was delivered to me was so specific that it validated her reality beyond this earthly plane. It also validated my conversations with her. I felt like I had my friend back.

It is because of Nat that I gave IVF another go. She had always hoped I would conceive so that she could sneakily feed my child meat (spare your judgements here – not interested lol). We used to laugh, well, she did. Initially I was angry with Nat. I needed to blame something outside of myself and I patched into any tiny betrayal I perceived to emote outside of myself.

However, that miscarriage has fertilised a whole new way of life for me, albeit a childless one. My life is rich and blessed. I vowed when Nat passed that I would live fully. For the most part, I have succeeded in keeping this promise. It is funny what motivates us sometimes.

I still speak to Nat. She is still in my thoughts and part of my life. I know that she is around, checking in on all of us. We still chat and we sometimes argue. But, the love is constant.

We all learn how to keep moving forward after a loss, after a while, and it is important to assimilate the loss and move forward. It’s also okay that getting to this takes time, and can be a process of one step forward three hundred steps back. Grief is a funny (not so funny) thing. It can completely paralyse us, and it can stimulate and nurture rich new growth.

It really takes work, trust, patience and faith. Well, it has for me.

I still struggle. I like to keep today clear so that I don’t feel overwhelmed to be something I’m not feeling. It doesn’t always work. I try to navigate it and be kind to myself, trusting that if I make plans thinking I’ll be okay, and I’m not, I can cancel them.

You just never know. And, that is okay. We live for ourselves, not others, and we are not responsible for their perceptions.

Ahhhhh. It’s also okay to be enlightened and say, F this Shit.

Oh, and Nat was an amazing Mum. Knowing every day was precious, she mummed her way. She had faith that it worked for her and her boys were absolutely loved. She was not perfect (as she laughs and asks if I’m sure), but she gave it all she could. That’s all anyone can do.

It’s okay to make mistakes; come from a place of love, and all will be okay.

Motherhood

I had a friend come over with her two young children today. We started several conversations. I don’t think we finished a single one. She is a great Mum. She doesn’t stop.

I spent yesterday afternoon with another friend of mine. Her two children had friends over. They are all a few years older than today’s children. She is a great Mum. She, also, doesn’t stop.

My nephews and a niece were here last Saturday. My niece is old enough now to look after herself. My nephews still need time and constant effort. My nieces used to be the same. Both of my sisters are great mums. They don’t stop.

Last week I spent time in Wagga with some friends I have had for over ten years now, since their two were 10 and 8. They are very easy to look after these days, but it hasn’t always been the case and they still require time. They are great parents. They still rarely stop.

Parenting, and mothering in particular, must be the most thankless and the most exhausting job of all time. Kids take you to your limits, and then push you that little bit further, just to see if you can endure it.

They need constant entertainment, they always need to be learning and having behaviour corrected or praised, they are always hungry, and they truly believe the Earth exists solely for their pleasure. Lol. Okay, some of this might be exaggerated. Sometimes.

They are relentless hard work. Just on their own, with their contexts just perfect, without trauma and without anything else impacting.

Realistically, most mother’s lives are not just perfect. Most mums work in and out of the home (and truthfully, inside is more than enough for anyone) and in contemporary society, most mums come from trauma or hardship (seventies and eighties were not kind decades).

Battling and resolving your own demons, whilst trying to provide the very best for your offspring, catering to everyone’s needs and demands, including society’s, and finding time to still be who you are and have some balance, makes existence really hard.

My mum, born during World War Two, forced out of home to live with other people so that she could be educated, leaving her home country of Finland 🇫🇮 to travel, finding ‘love’ in Australia, and marrying to settle here, did not have it easy. The marriage did not work and she was left with three daughters to raise on minimum income. Hurt and feeling betrayed, lost and lonely, she did the best she could with what she knew at the time.

I am grateful for that and for her.

For a while, I blamed my parents (illogically) for my inability to conceive. My non-biological daughter came into my life as a teen so I missed the chaos and self-doubt of raising a young child. I see that fear and self-doubt a lot in the eyes and words of parents, especially mothers. They worry that they aren’t enough, that they are messing up their kids, that they aren’t doing enough, that they are in some way failing their children.

Unless you are not present, and by present I mean in full mindful presence not just physically around, you are doing a good job.

Are you perfect? No.

But, your imperfections will be teaching your children tolerance and resilience, and you are modelling that they do not have to be perfect to be more than enough. They are valuable, important and perfect just as they are.

And, this my friends, is the best gift you can give your children.

Tonight, as I write this, I know why I am a mother to many rather than my own. I don’t have the personality or the patience or the selflessness required to be a present birth parent. This is not to say I couldn’t do it. If I had to, I would have. I’m grateful I didn’t have to.

I love my life as much as my friends with children love theirs. It is okay to be different and to follow a different path. It is important to own our limitations, and to be good with them. Mothering is an exceptionally important job, more important than it is given acknowledgement for. So, I acknowledge my friends that are parents. I acknowledge my sisters. I acknowledge my own Mum.

You are all more than enough. You are doing a phenomenal job, even when you are in the shower, or in your bed, or in the car, sobbing that you fear you aren’t, or that it’s all too hard, or you just want five minutes alone. I am grateful to you. It is hard, but you are succeeding, even when it feels like you aren’t.

I hope your children show their appreciation this Christmas. You deserve that.

My three kids are kids I can handle … shameless plug for my alternative children.

Anniversaries and Endings

Today is the anniversary of my miscarriage. I feel it every year. This year has been no different. I am going to Demartini it before the next one.

Earlier this week, I decided I needed to do something for myself tonight to honour me and movement forward. I am attending a local Red Tent Women’s Circle. I’m nervous – new people and no idea what to expect – but it feels right and it’s about saying yes to every pull and every calling.

A short post. My head has been processing so much. I am going to be writing a series of reflection posts this coming week to make up for my absence.

Anyway, to all of the women I know and love, who have also endured baby loss, much love.