Trust It

My alarm went off early this morning. A new term. A full week of work.

This day last term, I was blessed to attend a Staff Development Day where Wayne Pearce was speaking. He is a brilliant speaker; I walked out knowing that teaching was no longer my main game.

In the twelve weeks since then I have rebranded myself. No longer ‘teacher’, I am now ‘healer’, and yes, part of that role requires teaching.

So, at 6 this morning I got out of bed, unhappy to be surrendering freedom to my alarm. As I sat on the loo, I was struck by the knowledge that I have outworn this life; it no longer fits. It isn’t my life anymore and that’s okay. More than okay.

My day was reasonably good. My afternoon and evening was divine. I love my tutoring work. LOVE it. I love my kids and I love their families. It offers the best that teaching has: a genuine commitment to improving the lives of kids. It is the best of what my classroom offers without the politics of the education business.

When I have free time to think, that time is spent listening to audiobooks to find ways to improve me or my business. Either way, I’m the happiest and most liberated I ever have been.

In twelve weeks I have started to own the truth. In twelve months I have transformed from anxiety ridden to free and happy. All because I jumped the ship that was my routine.

I’m not at my end point. I don’t know what next year will bring, but I know it will be amazing.

The Pursuit of Happiness

I think one of my greatest lessons this year has been that happiness makes life better.

No, we can’t always be happy, and I get that. We ‘need’, for want of a better word, moments that aren’t happy, for balance, for perspective and for understanding.

By happiness I don’t necessarily mean we are always smiling and laughing and dancing, but more a stillness, a calm, an inner peace, and a knowing that pain is temporary, and even whilst in pain, we need to remember that it too, is temporary. Happiness is knowing. It is trusting.

You are okay.

You have been okay.

You will be okay.

Happiness is also easier to achieve and to maintain when we are being authentic and living our best lives, as our best selves.

It could be easy for others to say things like, Well, we can’t all just abandon our lives for a year, and, Easy to do when you don’t have kids or responsibilities.

Maybe that’s right. Maybe it isn’t. We can never know. But, we can all make some changes. Even small changes like spending one day each weekend outside is do-able, if it brings you happiness.

And, taking this year off hasn’t all been holidays and happiness. Financially it has been difficult. My savings went earlier than expected and casual work hasn’t been as forthcoming as I thought it would be. But, I’ve survived it. I’ve asked for help when I’ve needed it. I’ve really grown the business to support me. And, I finally learned that I can live with less money, and that the universe will always provide.

More importantly, I have reconnected with me, on less money, and with more happiness. I’ve reassessed my values, and altered the way I think and the way I live.

I am also more cognisant of my need to suspend judgement regarding what makes other people happy. Thank God, we aren’t all the same and that diversity is encouraged in our country. We are reasonably free to be who we are, who we want to be, and do the things we want to do, even if it means we sometimes have to think outside of the box to achieve our goals (hopefully very soon same sex couples will not have to leave their home country to get married, and our first people will see real opportunity, acknowledgement and respect from us invaders).

Happiness is relative, it is subjective, it is forever fluid. But, what I know for sure, is that when we spend time with people we can be ourselves with, when we spend time doing things that make our hearts sing, when we are aware and conscious, it is easier to sustain happiness.

What makes you happy? How can you do more of that or bring more of that into your life?

Have a happy week. Let others have a happy week.

My Next Charge

As a woman who has never birthed her own children, I have been truly blessed by the generosity of so many friends in their willingness to let me love their kids. Tonight I attended the birthday party of three of them.

These girls, and their sisters, have always just treated me like I was valuable to them. They are three of quite a few. So, whilst I have never been a birth mother, I have been blessed to be welcomed into their lives.

I have also been adopted and have adopted an incredible person who I have written about before. Honours me as her mother even though I never feel quite deserving enough; she loves me anyway.

Under the Tuscan Sun has a scene in it where the protagonist realised that everything she had desired for her life in the villa came to pass, but not always in the way that she had expected or hoped.

I think it is the same for me as a mother. I am a mother. Just not in a traditional way (shock horror) and that is more than okay. I am so proud of all of my surrogate kids, past and present, and am grateful that this has been and continues to be, my path.

Well, this post didn’t go quite where I wanted it to. My heading is so not what this is now about.

Tonight I also realised what my next emotionally charged issue to work through is. I had a close friend die a few years ago. I still think of her every day and talk to her often. I caught up with her husband tonight. I just wanted to cry.

I had disappeared from their lives leading up to her death. I do this. When my life overwhelms me, I tend to force myself into time out to process and assimilate whatever it is that is going on. At this particular time, I was in my IVF journey and just didn’t know how to communicate so didn’t.

You never expect that one of the people closest to you might not be there. It just doesn’t factor in to your thinking. I’m a great person and give a lot, but I’m not perfect. When I saw Nat again, she was in hospital, and we were waiting for her to pass.

I was blessed to have been included in this process and to have been given the opportunity to sit with her on my own to say goodbye. Definitely one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. And the tears pool, blurring the words on the screen, and fall. And one of the most beautiful opportunities I have ever received.

I sat with her and told her how important she was to me, and I apologised for disappearing, and I just held her hand. I promised her that I would not waste my life. In honour of her I would live my best life.

Several hours later, at home, I felt her passing before I received the text to tell me that she had passed. I sobbed quickly and then pulled myself together to contact the people I needed to contact. I think I stayed in that mode for days and weeks after. The funeral is there in my mind but only as impressions. I remember nothing of my delivery of my words for her, except seeing her husband and kids in front of me.

We do tend to forget or look over the faults in people that have passed; their lives take on an inflated status.

I lost my friend. Paradoxically, I gained my life.

Feeling Empowered

I was thinking this morning, as I always do [rolling eyes because I think way too much], how good I feel.

When I decided to take this year off, I was very nervous and didn’t really expect that I would see it through. I imagined I would be back at school by June. I’m glad I’ve stuck it out. But, I also set the intention to use the year to heal. Initially, it was to heal from the events and trauma of last year. Now, I realise it was to heal from the trauma of the first half of my life.

And, I am so grateful that that is what is happening.

I am in such a fantastic mental, emotional, spiritual and physical place. I feel empowered. And strong. And happy.

Testament to the ‘therapy’ I am currently undergoing – I leave each session feeling better than when I walked in, and there is no residual dealing with the issues. I walk out resolved and I stay resolved. I also keep working through other issues.

So, what have I learned, in a nutshell:

* taking time out to heal is never wasted

* nurturing and taking care of yourself is vital if you are going to be happy and be able to give to others

* if you feel a calling or yearning to do something, do it (unless it is criminal)

* feel the fear and do it anyway

* process and resolve emotional baggage before it becomes too difficult/insurmountable/overwhelming

* find what works for you, and do it

🙏🏻🦋

Redefining Sexual Abuse

This post may contain some triggers for sexual abuse survivors. I would also like to point out that this post represents my own current state of healing. There are no rights or wrongs, just differences.

Today I attended and participated in my second session with Mai Mai to dissolve the emotional charges on significant events from my past. I’ve had a fairly full on emotional processing week since last Friday. This has resulted in an almost constant headache, which I’m okay with. I’m making good ground 😉.

In Manly for two days, I almost completed the first chapter for my book. It provides the context for my healing paradigm, and thus, the book. In the first chapter, I cover physical and sexual abuse, IVF and the Investigation. Not comprehensively, but a solid overview. As I wrote, I found that some elements created an emotional charge which I Demartini’d as I went.

This morning, when I read my list of memories, as a result of my writing, I found that I could tick off most of my memories as resolved. There was no emotional charge anymore.

I asked if we could focus on my relationship with food, and I recounted two significant memories for me. In our discussion regarding those, we moved into the area of sexual abuse. I can’t remember the exact topography now and it probably seems a bit far fetched lol, but it is what it is. It was logical I assure you.

Anyway, Mai Mai asked me to think about the words sexual abuse and how the language already connotes a negative association which is a judgement. I think an underlying component/understanding behind dissolving the charges is removing judgement from our memories and the associations from our memories.

I had to think about this, the meaning and connotation and inherent judgement in the language. It is very confronting in so many ways. Predominantly, because we are conditioned by society to ascribe moral judgements to things like abuse and ideas that disrupt that conditioning require processing.

The Demartini Method, to bring balance, requires us to focus on the perceptions that we hold, emerging from the notion that negatively impacting perceptions are often unbalanced. This means that we have focused more on the drawbacks in the situation, rather than equally focusing on the benefits we gained from the situation.

Thinking about early sexual encounters in this light is very confronting. I discovered this morning that playing a victim role has brought me benefits even though I have focused on the drawbacks.

Mai Mai took me back to my first memory. I recounted it for her, as honestly and comprehensively as my recollection allowed. The drawbacks were easy: fear, no choice, no control, discomfort, through to shame and guilt.

People have often said to me that writing my posts demonstrates courage. I have not understood that until this post. I am feeling exceptionally vulnerable in this one. I told things to Mai Mai today that I have never shared and I intend to keep that honesty going now, even though I will not reveal all of the details I shared today including the identities of the perpetrators. This might be confronting for some people who have encountered/experienced sexual abuse or uncomfortable sexual encounters.

In the context of the specific memory, Mai Mai then asked me to focus on what I gained from the encounter, the benefits. Whoah! Confronting.

Mai Mai tempered this by asking about what I could have controlled in the situation. Again, confronting. However, being honest, I acknowledged that I could have left the space we were in, I could have shouted out for help, and now I realize I also could have punched him probably.

It was at this point that my perception of the situation started to change a little, and the emotional charge started to temper. I was consciously changing my frame of reference.

I then focused on the benefits: I was a victim, I received attention, I felt seen and acknowledged, my body felt aroused, I felt that my existence was validated. It is important at this point to highlight the context I was living in. My parents fought a lot and I didn’t feel seen or safe.

Mai Mai then asked me to focus on how this perception of myself and the situation had then continued to serve me throughout my life.

Illumination! I could rattle off exactly how the labels of victim and the benefits in the situation had served me throughout my life to lead me here.

I then sat there, more than a little stunned, because my perception of the situation had become filled in, expanded, changed. I no longer felt like a victim and I no longer felt negatively towards the situation. Again, I moved to feelings of gratitude for the actions of the ‘perpetrator’.

Not only that, my beliefs are that I had a soul contract before this incarnation started and that I had selected all of the lessons that I wanted to learn. I also had people from my soul tribe offer to be the ‘perpetrators’ of yuck and violence against me to enable the lessons and empower my learning. There is a moment when our beliefs and life events hit a moment of complete connection. Today’s session served to remind me of all of this and see how the theory of my beliefs actually manifests in real life events.

I am seeing the bigger pattern now. I am also remembering my lessons. I am moving from teacher to healer, starting with my own healing. I am flourishing. And, I wish this for everyone. I’ve been reminded of my soul’s purpose. Power.

Happy to answer questions about this one.

Emotional Congestion

I am waking up every morning with either a head cold starting or a headache. I am Demartini-ing everything that comes up lol. My body is manifesting symptoms to keep me from sliding. I become conscious and I nurture myself.

Whilst away in Manly for thirty six hours, I finished (almost perfect) Chapter One of my book. It is about the context that lead to this healing year. There were potential emotional charges throughout it: physically damaging childhood, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, IVF, last year’s investigation.

As I wrote, I found that I was using the Demartini method as I went to dissolve the charges. It became a reflex. I shared this with Renee; I was so surprised and so happy that it was happening.

Changing the narrative is empowering and makes it so much easier to write.

At one point, on the way back to the unit, Renee (unintentionally) made a comment along the lines of all women fulfilling purpose by bearing children. Six months, even a month ago, this would have caused a twinge of emotion (failure/regret/loss) within me. Yesterday, it just elicited a facetious response, but more significantly, there was no emotional charge for me. I had to assure Renee I was fine, and I truly was.

Every step, every event, every single thing in my life has brought me to where I am right now, and right now, my life is charmed.

I am not wealthy, but I have enough, most of the time. I am healing and I am happy. I am surrounded and immersed in love always, my own and the love of others. I look after myself and I am very kind to myself. I am kind to others. I feel light. I feel fulfilled. I am creating my ideal life. I am blessed. I am grateful for all that has lead me here.

A human cannot ask for more.

Worlds Apart

So, Renee and I are sitting in Manly Library, attempting to write, a slow process today, and there was a brother and a sister looking at books on the shelves near us. They were young, maybe 9/10 and 7.

The older sister was reviewing a book she had read, and explaining why she couldn’t read the second book in the series,

“The first one didn’t seem to go anywhere, nothing changed, so I couldn’t read the second one.”

She then demonstrated to her brother how to use a book to check to see which title is the first in a series.

Oh. My. God.

This is such a different world.

Oh, I also had my toe nails painted.

😉🙏🏻🦋

Writing Retreat

My friend Renee and I have often said that we should take off for a few days to write. We always have hair brain schemes running. Not even half become real.

However, I have a book proposal due at the beginning of December and she needed some time to finish her memoir, and so this morning we came to Manly. After settling in to her family apartment, we went for coffee and started work. Every couple of hours we got up and went to a different cafe ~ great for the creative flow and for our writing.

I wrote over a thousand words and resolved my ideas. I edited this entirely and repeatedly. I’m almost happy with it.

I’m grateful. And blessed.

🙏🏻🦋

The Art of Letting Go

My friend Leanne and I have been working on a jigsaw puzzle for close to two years. As many holidays as we have been able to, we get together and do about more.

Today, we finished. Two pieces missing, but it’s done. I think we should mount it. Leanne said we should dismantle it.

In the interests of learning a valuable lesson, similarly to sand mandalas, painstakingly created and beautiful, we dismantled it.

We started a new one.

Holding on to the things of the past benefits noone. Especially when you can take photos. And blog.

😉🙏🏻