This post may contain some triggers for sexual abuse survivors. I would also like to point out that this post represents my own current state of healing. There are no rights or wrongs, just differences.
Today I attended and participated in my second session with Mai Mai to dissolve the emotional charges on significant events from my past. I’ve had a fairly full on emotional processing week since last Friday. This has resulted in an almost constant headache, which I’m okay with. I’m making good ground 😉.
In Manly for two days, I almost completed the first chapter for my book. It provides the context for my healing paradigm, and thus, the book. In the first chapter, I cover physical and sexual abuse, IVF and the Investigation. Not comprehensively, but a solid overview. As I wrote, I found that some elements created an emotional charge which I Demartini’d as I went.
This morning, when I read my list of memories, as a result of my writing, I found that I could tick off most of my memories as resolved. There was no emotional charge anymore.
I asked if we could focus on my relationship with food, and I recounted two significant memories for me. In our discussion regarding those, we moved into the area of sexual abuse. I can’t remember the exact topography now and it probably seems a bit far fetched lol, but it is what it is. It was logical I assure you.
Anyway, Mai Mai asked me to think about the words sexual abuse and how the language already connotes a negative association which is a judgement. I think an underlying component/understanding behind dissolving the charges is removing judgement from our memories and the associations from our memories.
I had to think about this, the meaning and connotation and inherent judgement in the language. It is very confronting in so many ways. Predominantly, because we are conditioned by society to ascribe moral judgements to things like abuse and ideas that disrupt that conditioning require processing.
The Demartini Method, to bring balance, requires us to focus on the perceptions that we hold, emerging from the notion that negatively impacting perceptions are often unbalanced. This means that we have focused more on the drawbacks in the situation, rather than equally focusing on the benefits we gained from the situation.
Thinking about early sexual encounters in this light is very confronting. I discovered this morning that playing a victim role has brought me benefits even though I have focused on the drawbacks.
Mai Mai took me back to my first memory. I recounted it for her, as honestly and comprehensively as my recollection allowed. The drawbacks were easy: fear, no choice, no control, discomfort, through to shame and guilt.
People have often said to me that writing my posts demonstrates courage. I have not understood that until this post. I am feeling exceptionally vulnerable in this one. I told things to Mai Mai today that I have never shared and I intend to keep that honesty going now, even though I will not reveal all of the details I shared today including the identities of the perpetrators. This might be confronting for some people who have encountered/experienced sexual abuse or uncomfortable sexual encounters.
In the context of the specific memory, Mai Mai then asked me to focus on what I gained from the encounter, the benefits. Whoah! Confronting.
Mai Mai tempered this by asking about what I could have controlled in the situation. Again, confronting. However, being honest, I acknowledged that I could have left the space we were in, I could have shouted out for help, and now I realize I also could have punched him probably.
It was at this point that my perception of the situation started to change a little, and the emotional charge started to temper. I was consciously changing my frame of reference.
I then focused on the benefits: I was a victim, I received attention, I felt seen and acknowledged, my body felt aroused, I felt that my existence was validated. It is important at this point to highlight the context I was living in. My parents fought a lot and I didn’t feel seen or safe.
Mai Mai then asked me to focus on how this perception of myself and the situation had then continued to serve me throughout my life.
Illumination! I could rattle off exactly how the labels of victim and the benefits in the situation had served me throughout my life to lead me here.
I then sat there, more than a little stunned, because my perception of the situation had become filled in, expanded, changed. I no longer felt like a victim and I no longer felt negatively towards the situation. Again, I moved to feelings of gratitude for the actions of the ‘perpetrator’.
Not only that, my beliefs are that I had a soul contract before this incarnation started and that I had selected all of the lessons that I wanted to learn. I also had people from my soul tribe offer to be the ‘perpetrators’ of yuck and violence against me to enable the lessons and empower my learning. There is a moment when our beliefs and life events hit a moment of complete connection. Today’s session served to remind me of all of this and see how the theory of my beliefs actually manifests in real life events.
I am seeing the bigger pattern now. I am also remembering my lessons. I am moving from teacher to healer, starting with my own healing. I am flourishing. And, I wish this for everyone. I’ve been reminded of my soul’s purpose. Power.
Happy to answer questions about this one.