Shifting

Uluru. No words. Needs to be experienced by the heart. No words, no photographs, no videos will do it justice.

Walking today and three spots really drew my attention.

1. Sacred Women’s Spot. A request for no photographs to be taken in that area. I lay my hands on the rock. Instantly a vibration, a deep murmuring was felt through my hands. The rock was cold; it’s pulse was strong. An Aboriginal woman appeared to me. Bare chested, large, round face, red skirt, grey hair, laughing eyes. Beautiful in ritual and authenticity. I came back here to write.

2. Men’s Cooking Space. A low cave entrance, fire darkness across its roof. A young Aboriginal boy, possibly fifteen or sixteen, curly black hair, observing us all with a smile. He carried a spear. His face was painted. He, too, wore red.

3. Kantju Gorge. Still. Very still. Quiet. Reverent. Austere. Peaceful. I came back here to write. My new friend was there already. I offered her a sound session with the forks. I felt called to use them in this space. She said that she saw young Aboriginal children playing. The forks silenced the tourists. Power.

Three short pieces (not very good; words do no justice to the moments).

I.

A mother’s heartbeat

pulsing through my outstretched fingers.

Life force:

Breathing for me

Breathing as me

feeling the power.

Release –

Coughs echo and bound through my chest,

releasing all that has been caught,

feeling all that can be felt –

Liberation.

Power.

Wellness.

Sacred women’s space.

II.

A lowly cave entrance

Shrouded

Marked

by two trees

reaching away

to beckon all within.

Mysteries to share

and secrets to tell

the ancient winds divulge all.

Close your eyes.

Still your heart.

Listen …

The winds carry ancient songs

calls of love

and calls of worship

for all that lies here

today, yesterday, tomorrow.

All time is one.

As your foot treads,

so does another’s,

together,

in unison,

now.

III.

Darkness …

of the mind, the soul, the cave.

Deep breaths …

transcending the core,

and lighting the way.

Flickers of sun

glance off fire marked walls,

hands are held,

hearts beat as one:

Ceremony. Ritual. Celebration.

Toes sink into red sand

covering nails and sticking to beds.

Dark eyes smile.

Cool earth, cool walls, cool rock.

Sacred space.

Sacred lives.

Sacred dreams.

Day Two: To Coober Pedy

We left Broken Hill after an amazing but short sleep. It was 5:40am. It was still dark. It was cool. Thank god for seat warmers lol.

The full moon lit the sky in pink and blue hues in front of us, lighting our path. Behind us, an incredible orange sunrise. Wide, open roads, not many on the road with us, natural environment, and you have to ask if life can get any better.

Yes, it can.

The day was up; moon had gone and sun risen. We pulled over for some photos and to stretch the legs. A train was coming and I took a video. Beautiful. I walked back to Margo. I was taking some more photos, just of bush and plants like I do. Looking at the photo there was magick happening …

Explain that one sceptics lol. There was nothing there to cause this. Well, nothing on this plane or in this realm. Margo then found some rocks. Crystals. Ice cold to the touch. I’m not sure if it is quartz or feldspar, but we will find out. A magickal stop that Margo was called to make. Transformations and shifts starting.

Our next stop was for the Giant Gum Tree. Giant? Okay, why can’t we see it towering over the town? We were sceptical, very sceptical. A village in the middle of nowhere with this it’s claim to fame.

Out of the warm car into a bitter cold to see, as Margo puts it, a fat Gum Tree. Worth it. Over 500 years old, and emanating a vibration of strength and resilience. Awe inspiring.

Back on the road. Next stop, amazing salt lakes. The Stuart Highway is signposted for photo opportunities. If you ever drive along it, keep time to stop. You will not be disappointed. These photos do the lakes no justice. Combined stops.

Woomera. Detention centre for refugees. Missile launches. Defence Force base. Hard to know how to start this. Curious, we took a slight detour and decided to check it out. As we drove in, we both felt the energy change. There was like a death pall over this community. There were cars in driveways but it felt like a ghost town, like everyone had died and the place had just stayed as it was.

Even the tourist areas had an intensely dark energy. I took photos for one of my friends and before we left, cleansed the car and is with the tuning forks. We then headed down a road that took us to the detention centre. We turned around and continued up the Stuart Highway.

Not good. Sadness, stagnation, death. Will not go again.

More salt lakes, and onto Coober Pedy.

Coober Pedy. Pictures cannot prepare you. Words cannot prepare you. It is small. It is dusty. It is a mining town. It takes five minutes to explore by car. We found our accommodation and before checking in, went to the supermarket to buy some food.

I was excited to stay in underground accommodation. We booked based on reviews. We did not see the magick that is Coober Pedy.

Margo was hesitant about the accommodation. I don’t blame her. It looked dodgy as; definitely not the phenomenon that the reviews had portrayed it as. We paid. I walked through. We debated. We left.

Onward to Uluru.

And, oh my lord, what an adventure our introduction to the Northern Territory turned out to be.

Darkness. Stillness. Maybe five cars in like six hours. Lots of kangaroos. Some cows. Not many stops. In South Australia, there are service centres of some description every two hundred or so kilometres. Not so much in the Territory. Well, not open anyway.

We had 50 or so kilometres of petrol left when we arrived at Erlunda, a petrol and accommodation stop. It was just after ten. No lights. No signs. Closed. Camping Ground locked.

You have to laugh. We rang Desert Gardens at Uluru to let them know we weren’t going to make it; our 2am arrival was off the cards. They said they would ring us back after they spoke to their security team who may be able to assist. We were two hundred kilometres away. This was service. Unfortunately, but unsurprisingly, they could not help us. We were resigned to sleeping in the car until the service station opened at 7.

Thank god the toilets were open.

Margo had reception. We googled other places. We rang the closest. He was closed. He didn’t want to give us petrol. He wanted us to stay where we were. He finally acquiesced and said that we could try to get there – 52 kilometres away at Mt Ebenezer. Margo was convinced that if we drove slowly, we would make it.

And, we did.

The man was happy enough to give us petrol, but was unhappy that we were driving alone at night on these roads. Apparently they are dangerous at night: kangaroos, aboriginals on ice, and cows, in that order.

How were we to know. The guidebooks didn’t say this. We won’t do it again. Even though we saw many kangaroos, a handful of cows and no iced up Aboriginals, we may have just been lucky.

What an adventure.

I slept for about an hour and a half in grabs. Margo did not sleep, thankfully, she was driving. My eyes just became so heavy they had to close; I had no control.

We reached Yulara and Desert Gardens at 3:20 this morning. Our temporary accommodation was reinstated. We slept until a 7:20am burst from the phone. Margo fell back to sleep. I haven’t.

We have a late check out from this room: noon. The retreat starts today. We meet at 3:15 at reception. I’m a little nervous. I always get this way before these things. We’ve had a great trip thus far. Hoping it continues. Excited to see Uluru later tonight.

Broken Hill Part 2 😉

So, I was asleep by like 9.45 last night and slept through until 3.30 this morning; better than the night before’s effort. I’ve been lying here for the last half hour trying to get back to sleep; life without alarms creates a better environment for sleep lol.

For me, the only part of travelling I do not like is leaving my kids (pets) at home. As soon as the suitcase came out, Max became clingy and silly. Sammy has no idea and Molly slept on the case, refusing to move, so that I couldn’t pack. Leaving them is the only part I struggle with.

As I said last night, Margo arrived at 2.20 yesterday morning to pick me up. We loaded my stuff into the car (I have NEVER packed this much stuff, not even when I went to Europe for three months during winter). I repacked my case last night and, yes, my worst fears were confirmed: I have brought with me a lot that I won’t use. At least though, I have choices.

Margo and I are both control freaks. I think of my closest friends and with a few exceptions, we all are, or can be, or are trying not to be. We ‘get’ one another lol. I think this is why we get on so well – there is a deep understanding of the way the other works. We are also very generous and very compassionate people, usually for others rather than ourselves, but we are also cynical about humans. Interesting – I’ve never really realised these similarities before.

Anyway, as a result, Margo and I can spend hours with one another in a car without issue. We drove from Thirlmere past Berrima down towards Yass, where at 4am we had breakfast at McDonalds. We then drove to Hay for petrol and a toilet stop. There are not McDonalds’ everywhere, contrary to urban folklore. At this point, our first doses of hysteria onset by tiredness started.

“Where are we, Margo?”

“‘Ay?”

For hours, this continued. And we would both dissolve into maniacal giggles. Hours.

We stopped on the side of the road, outside Hay, because there were beautiful wildflowers in vivid colours, carpeting the verge. I took photos. Tranquility. Hippie. Meh. What can you do. Need to be authentic.

We proceeded to have conversations about God, existence, the spirit world … the lighter side of life lol. The road continued. Straight and flat roads, one after the other, all the way to Broken Hill. We left NSW to eat Maccas for lunch in Mildura – everyone was SO nice. It is jarring after being in a more urban environment. I don’t think we realise how hard we become in the city.

Through private property, thirty kilometres of goat farm, and then a petrol stop at Coomba. A road stop is all that exists here (that we could see). A beautiful soul works there and she and I exchanged conversation about the local area – definitely not shy anymore.

Making great time, we entered Broken Hill at 3.15 or so. Margo had to meet with a client and I perused the Art Gallery. From there we drove to The Living Desert and stone sculptures. I grew so excited, a kid at Christmas, as memories of the connection I felt to the Grand Canyon flooded back. I always feel so connected and grounded in the natural world; my soul resonates at its highest vibration here.

Becoming very fatigued, we checked in to our motor inn, went and bought dinner, watched The Block, and I came back to my room and slept.

I am now sitting on the toilet, still tired, but ready to start our ten hour drive to Coober Pedy along roads I have never been before ( or can’t remember). Today, Coober Pedy; tomorrow, Uluru.

Oh, and the Universe never lets us down, it will always provide what we need: lesson learned.

Day One: to Broken Hill

This will be short. I’m exhausted. Very happy. Feeling very grateful for my life and for being able to live in this incredibly beautiful and textured country.

Margo picked me up this morning and we were on the road by 2.30am. It was a great trip. I will post tomorrow. We leave for Coober Pedy at 5.30am. I need sleep.

A Little Downward Turn

This time tomorrow I will be on the road to Uluru with my friend.

But, this morning I have woken a little bit down. I’m not surprised. The signs have been coming; I’ve been up for quite a while. I have had a massive ten months of growth through exploration. I have trusted that everything will be okay. I have had faith that I am on the right path.

So today, well, it frustrates me. I am so blessed in my life. The universe has had people send me lovely messages in the last twenty four hours, sensing that my energy was low. And, beyond that, I know how blessed I am. How many people take a year just to see what else there is. How many people grow a successful tutoring business in just six months. How many people are surrounded by such love and constant admiration.

Yet, here I am, feeling down, frustrated because I can’t shift this mood and just don’t want to experience it. Knowing that I have to because there is more growth coming, quickly. And, sometimes we don’t get to control things around us or really, even within us. I guess it’s a guilt in some way of the life I am living, and a frustration adjusting to an irregular income, and the fear and anxiety that comes with that.

I am tired too. I was sick and keep relapsing. I am working a lot of hours with minimal financial gain (hello, bills). I love my work, but struggle to disconnect from school’s and the lure of ‘enough’ money. I do trust that the universe will provide, but the fear is overriding it.

Such a first world problem. Adds to the frustration lol.

However, it all still exists, even when you know you are blessed, have more than most, and that this down is temporary (probably shifting before lunch). It’s still real now.

I feel another big shift coming. Today, I am taking steps to minimise the financial strain. I am empowering myself and taking control of the reins. I am forcing the shift, in a sense, by focusing on what I can control. I know what changes need to be made moving forward into next year, and I know that I will still feel self-doubt.

I am happiest and most fulfilled in my business. And when I travel, when I’m learning and when I’m writing. Only one of the four has been a reality in my life in the last two weeks. And that isn’t good for my mental health, or my diet, or my attitude. Only I can change that.

As I have said before, some lessons take me a while to figure out and make real. I’m also only human and need to remember to be kind to myself. I think until I disconnect from traditional education though, these downs will continue to manifest in small ways, like this morning.

Eventually I will eradicate the fear and step, wholeheartedly, into my new life, my authentic life. Today, I’m just being real and true to where I am. And, hoping that forcing myself to get up and prepare for tomorrow’s early start will shift this temporary madness.

Much love … oh, and truly am grateful L, D and J for your very kind words.

PS. It’s 10:07 and my house is clean. I feel better. Not perfect, but better.

Increasing Awareness

Interesting things happened last week. And, as a result, driving to work this morning drew some interesting observations.

I felt passion and excitement for the art of teaching last week. First time in a long time. I was excited to go to work and spend time learning with kids. I had no fear of the politics and what that could bring; just excitement to be in a classroom.

With four days teaching and a massive tutoring schedule, I also realised that I can compartmentalise the two. Leave school and switch into tutor mode. Easy.

Then, Saturday morning and later that day, the exhaustion hit. Yesterday I blogged about; importance to be kind to self, nurture self. It is vital.

And then, this morning on the way to work, reflection time, and I realised that when I am in a school too many days, my diet suffers – badly – and I crave sugar and lose my impulse control. I was sick on Saturday and I think this is why.

I also suffer from the fatigue.

Teaching is tiring enough; casual teaching is exhausting. You aren’t their ‘real’ teacher and behaviour management, as well as getting to know the kids and develop relationships, plus full days often with playground duties, and only limited time for relief, to follow up, to write notes for the teacher, takes its toll.

I can’t do both. Two days a week in a school is doable with the business. More than that plays havoc with my diet, which impacts my mental health and self-esteem. I’m a slow learner lol. This has taken time to realise.

This is a vital lesson for me to learn. NOW.

Time to go, another group of children awaits …

The Lesson I Refuse To Learn

I am too wise for my own good, she says with a chuckle.

I am able to understand lessons, able to know that they are to be learned, trust that they will be, think I have learned them, except for one in particular, that sort of extends into two. Might just be one. Wise, humph.

I taught in schools for four days last week. As a casual working in a school, you are generally on all day, and in primary schools, all day plus a duty, giving you about 50 minutes off during the day. And in teaching, when you are with the kids, you are on the whole time. There is no break or processing time.

I also ran my business every day, and was almost grateful for the cancellations this week. My business hours, with travel, are long. I generally start between 3 and 3:30 and arrive home by 8:30, a couple of nights I finish by 930. And all day Saturday, seven clients. I love my business; it does not feel like work unless I am working in a school too many days.

By last night I was exhausted. I was asleep on the lounge early and slept straight through to 7:30 this morning (I’m usually awake by 6/6:30). I had no desire to get up and fought with Sammy for just a few more minutes taking me to 8:30.

It will be a slow day here. I’m being kind to myself. That lesson I have learned. I will only do what I want to do.

The lesson I haven’t learned is balance. But, I have learned that in my case, that lesson extends from trust. I can only practice balance when I trust.

I possess a fear of not having enough money to live on. School holidays are coming and I am travelling just before and just after the holidays (bad planning), and am focusing energy into fear that I will not have enough money to pay bills. No sooner do I earn money that it feels like it is gone, so I keep working when it is offered because there have been so many times this year when it wasn’t offered.

And so, because I fear I have not enough, financially (I am abundant in riches everywhere else in my life), I seem to never have enough. Funny, I know that the energy we feed is the energy we receive. I exhaust myself fighting against the fear lol.

I never really possessed this fear/lack of trust when I was teaching because I had a stable income. I hope to leave teaching permanently so this is a lesson I must learn (and to do that, I probably need to remove the pressure I put on myself).

So, I am working myself into the ground. And, I am not feeling the liberation that should come from that, because there is no balance. Learning to trust is difficult. I trust the voices I hear that tell me it will all be fine, but struggle to let go and release into that.

With the exception of last night, I have been meditating every night.

Meh.

I am very quiet today, very still. There is no panic or fear. I am too tired lol. I am happy in my stillness. I am not sad. I am grateful for a rest day. And, I am grateful that I head to Uluru on a road trip/meditation retreat on Wednesday. And I trust that everything that needs to be done before I leave, will be done. Even though I am working again tomorrow.

A cycle of unnecessary thought. I think I need to go back to my chanting of abundance mantras. I didn’t feel this fear as acutely then.

There we go, asked and answered. I am truly a work in progress lol.