This time tomorrow I will be on the road to Uluru with my friend.
But, this morning I have woken a little bit down. I’m not surprised. The signs have been coming; I’ve been up for quite a while. I have had a massive ten months of growth through exploration. I have trusted that everything will be okay. I have had faith that I am on the right path.
So today, well, it frustrates me. I am so blessed in my life. The universe has had people send me lovely messages in the last twenty four hours, sensing that my energy was low. And, beyond that, I know how blessed I am. How many people take a year just to see what else there is. How many people grow a successful tutoring business in just six months. How many people are surrounded by such love and constant admiration.
Yet, here I am, feeling down, frustrated because I can’t shift this mood and just don’t want to experience it. Knowing that I have to because there is more growth coming, quickly. And, sometimes we don’t get to control things around us or really, even within us. I guess it’s a guilt in some way of the life I am living, and a frustration adjusting to an irregular income, and the fear and anxiety that comes with that.
I am tired too. I was sick and keep relapsing. I am working a lot of hours with minimal financial gain (hello, bills). I love my work, but struggle to disconnect from school’s and the lure of ‘enough’ money. I do trust that the universe will provide, but the fear is overriding it.
Such a first world problem. Adds to the frustration lol.
However, it all still exists, even when you know you are blessed, have more than most, and that this down is temporary (probably shifting before lunch). It’s still real now.
I feel another big shift coming. Today, I am taking steps to minimise the financial strain. I am empowering myself and taking control of the reins. I am forcing the shift, in a sense, by focusing on what I can control. I know what changes need to be made moving forward into next year, and I know that I will still feel self-doubt.
I am happiest and most fulfilled in my business. And when I travel, when I’m learning and when I’m writing. Only one of the four has been a reality in my life in the last two weeks. And that isn’t good for my mental health, or my diet, or my attitude. Only I can change that.
As I have said before, some lessons take me a while to figure out and make real. I’m also only human and need to remember to be kind to myself. I think until I disconnect from traditional education though, these downs will continue to manifest in small ways, like this morning.
Eventually I will eradicate the fear and step, wholeheartedly, into my new life, my authentic life. Today, I’m just being real and true to where I am. And, hoping that forcing myself to get up and prepare for tomorrow’s early start will shift this temporary madness.
Much love … oh, and truly am grateful L, D and J for your very kind words.
PS. It’s 10:07 and my house is clean. I feel better. Not perfect, but better.