The Lesson I Refuse To Learn

I am too wise for my own good, she says with a chuckle.

I am able to understand lessons, able to know that they are to be learned, trust that they will be, think I have learned them, except for one in particular, that sort of extends into two. Might just be one. Wise, humph.

I taught in schools for four days last week. As a casual working in a school, you are generally on all day, and in primary schools, all day plus a duty, giving you about 50 minutes off during the day. And in teaching, when you are with the kids, you are on the whole time. There is no break or processing time.

I also ran my business every day, and was almost grateful for the cancellations this week. My business hours, with travel, are long. I generally start between 3 and 3:30 and arrive home by 8:30, a couple of nights I finish by 930. And all day Saturday, seven clients. I love my business; it does not feel like work unless I am working in a school too many days.

By last night I was exhausted. I was asleep on the lounge early and slept straight through to 7:30 this morning (I’m usually awake by 6/6:30). I had no desire to get up and fought with Sammy for just a few more minutes taking me to 8:30.

It will be a slow day here. I’m being kind to myself. That lesson I have learned. I will only do what I want to do.

The lesson I haven’t learned is balance. But, I have learned that in my case, that lesson extends from trust. I can only practice balance when I trust.

I possess a fear of not having enough money to live on. School holidays are coming and I am travelling just before and just after the holidays (bad planning), and am focusing energy into fear that I will not have enough money to pay bills. No sooner do I earn money that it feels like it is gone, so I keep working when it is offered because there have been so many times this year when it wasn’t offered.

And so, because I fear I have not enough, financially (I am abundant in riches everywhere else in my life), I seem to never have enough. Funny, I know that the energy we feed is the energy we receive. I exhaust myself fighting against the fear lol.

I never really possessed this fear/lack of trust when I was teaching because I had a stable income. I hope to leave teaching permanently so this is a lesson I must learn (and to do that, I probably need to remove the pressure I put on myself).

So, I am working myself into the ground. And, I am not feeling the liberation that should come from that, because there is no balance. Learning to trust is difficult. I trust the voices I hear that tell me it will all be fine, but struggle to let go and release into that.

With the exception of last night, I have been meditating every night.

Meh.

I am very quiet today, very still. There is no panic or fear. I am too tired lol. I am happy in my stillness. I am not sad. I am grateful for a rest day. And, I am grateful that I head to Uluru on a road trip/meditation retreat on Wednesday. And I trust that everything that needs to be done before I leave, will be done. Even though I am working again tomorrow.

A cycle of unnecessary thought. I think I need to go back to my chanting of abundance mantras. I didn’t feel this fear as acutely then.

There we go, asked and answered. I am truly a work in progress lol.

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