It has always frustrated me that I can’t lose the extra weight I carry. I assumed that I had resolved my core issue that resulted in the extra padding/weight/protection. I have forgiven my ‘abusers’ and have created a loving, full and blessed life. So, why does the weight stay?
And, no. It isn’t as easy as exercise and diet. I’ve done those things and get to a point and nothing more. It’s not as simple as that. My body is holding on to something more … something is not resolved and it keeps me holding on to the weight.
My healing sessions with N and S in Minnesota have enabled me to pull some layers back and I think I’ve worked it out.
Yes, I’ve resolved the abuse, most of it. But the root effect of the abuse, of the trauma, of all of those childhood experiences, and the lesson that keeps being presented to me in a myriad of guises, my whole adult life, focuses on betrayal.
One word. It is my lesson. Resolving this will be a process. The first step is acknowledging it. I have sat with this word for over a week now (yes, it’s taken that long for the first step). I have thought about the different times that I have felt betrayed. I have been collecting them.
I need to go back into each of them. I need to feel the pain of each incident again. And then I need to rewrite those scripts. And then I need to send each one away from me, creatively. Another book idea?! Crikeys.
I feel very empowered. I feel that I am in ownership (how deluded is that lol) of my choices and of my life. I am no longer a complete pawn in this game. I have the power to change the way I see the world, my world.
I also know that without taking this year away from my classroom, this growth would not have been empowered. I would not have taken the time to heal me. The investigation rocked me completely but was also so necessary for me to heed the signs that I wasn’t living authentically any more. My life has been ready to evolve for a long time; I just wasn’t brave enough to trust that I would be okay.
Watch this space if you’re interested in this healing journey.