Our Thoughts and Fears are Sometimes the Only Things That Bind Us 

I have only worked as a school teacher for eight days this term thus far. It is weird. Whilst I am enjoying the break, I am struggling, at times, with the lack of substantial income. 

A couple of people have mentioned that our regular income/paychecks are addictive; we become so reliant on the expectation that not receiving it is like undergoing withdrawal. To some extent. 

It’s an interesting thought. I am spending less, but obviously still need money to pay for the roof over my head, bills, petrol and food. My savings are rapidly dwindling as a result. I trust that I will always have what I need but in some moments, well, I feel the anxiety. 

It’s also interesting that I am much happier, and I fear, less motivated. Or procrastinating from fear. The last two days in particular, I have been exceptionally ill and unable to do much. I wonder where I picked the bug up or is it simply all of the changes in weather. Or fear. Or frustration at last week’s events at the school I was working in. Am I still processing the impact of the investigation. 

Who knows. 

Earlier, I was googling Australian publishers and sorting through those that do receive unsolicited submissions from those that do not. I have looked into self-publishing but my ego can stand to be humbled by rejection letters. 

Embracing my childhood dream is really quite terrifying. I’m actually alright with the inconsistent income (anyone got a couple of rooms? Lol), mostly okay with rejection (standard in my life in all areas to this point lol), but really struggling with owning it and committing words to paper (so to speak; I use a laptop), and developing more courses for my business. Stage fright, perhaps. 

I am publicly shaming myself here to force me out of this psychological prison. Tomorrow I will wake up functioning, and if not called in to work somewhere (eyes rolling as the universe continues to conspire against or for me), I will vacuum and then write. 

All day. 

Minimal breaks. 

Until I tutor. 

That’s the plan. Public. I’m accountable. 

My future awaits. But it won’t just come to me. I need to make it happen. 

M … F … 

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