Patience … again 

I have procrastinated organising medical appointments I have needed to make for a few weeks. Just didn’t feel the mojo. Possibly some fear. I have enough unknown going on that I just couldn’t face more, maybe. 

Anyway, appointments all made, leading up to a few days before I head overseas. It’s always a relief when you can tick things from your To Do List. A huge relief, if only I remembered that feeling when confronted with things I procrastinate doing. I may learn one day … we shall see. 

Also, my business has been fielding a lot of enquiries and I now have Tuesday to Friday almost fully booked. On those days that I am privileged enough to gain casual work, I am going to be working a hell of a lot of hours.

But I am happy. 

And I almost had patience, knowing that the business would take a while to settle. 

I love the tutoring though; kids that want to learn. It makes a huge difference. 

Now I just need to finish my studies for my Masters in Holistic Counselling and finish my books. 

Please don’t be offended my friends and family when I just can’t see you. Those silly Facebook memes that suggest someone who doesn’t see you just doesn’t care, don’t take into account people that are trying to establish multiple careers all at once … 

Birthday Lessons 

Oh my. What a beautiful birthday I have had. Getting home from dinner at 1.30 this morning after driving through very thick, ghostly fog. How happy am I. 

I woke up on my birthday, and vacuumed and mopped the floors. The rest of the house I had cleaned on my birthday eve. I showered and Karyn arrived, ready to teach me MYOB. I loved learning it. I loved the logic in the process. A very patient teacher, she resisted the temptation to take the mouse from me, or so I thought. 

We had been working steadily for two or so hours and Karyn told me she needed to give me some tests to see if I could remember what to do. Lol. I thought it was weird but I complied. 

All of a sudden she said we needed to move around a bit. I said we needed to go and get lunch. I suggested I drive as I locked the house up, intending to shout her lunch at the beautiful cafe at Tahmoor Garden Centre. She suggested we just walk to the local shops and then come back to learn more. 

I thought okay. Walked to the front door only to look through my curtained lounge room window and saw a girl in my front yard, appearing to be reading. I thought it was odd, and would be uncomfortable as we walked past her. Locked the front door and started walking down the driveway to see Karyn talking to the girl. 

She was sitting on a picnic sheet with chairs set up and home made, baked food. 

Took me a minute to realise it was Karyn’s daughter, and my sister – sixteen years I have known her, we have travelled together, worked together, laughed together – you get the point. Yep, took me a bit to realise we weren’t going beyond the gate and these two had organised and cooked a birthday lunch for me. 

Overwhelmed. Touched. Soooooooo surprised and touched, but that doesn’t really cover it. It was beautiful. Amazingly beautiful. 

And then my daughter and son in law arrived to eat with us, and again, took me a bit to realise what was going on. Smart but not smart 😂. 

We ate, talked, moved inside, played ten rounds of Scattergories, they left, I showered, dressed and headed to the Catholic Club to meet some people for dinner. 

Great conversation. Thank you Nic, and Margo, and Kate, and Mel. What a night! Tears, laughter, swearing, good food, good company … and realistically, we could have kept talking until the club closed at four. 

Oh my Lord. Thank you. I feel calm, at peace, blissful and blessed. 

And the birthday lessons:

~ we have to make clear what we want

~ the more baggage we resolve and articulate outside of our heads, the more chance there is that we have made room for the good to enter our life

~ sometimes we have to embrace the present moment completely and trust that we are exactly where we are meant to be

~ sometimes our real tribe is not who we think it is. Last year in India, I met a fair few from my tribe, and I think tonight I added a few more. 

Thank you to everyone who has contacted me in some way today (yesterday) to wish me a happy birthday. Your wishes were fulfilled and I had an amazing day. 

Thank you. Much love ❤🙏🏻

My Birthday Wish 

Ah, 46. Four away from 50. When I was a girl, fifty seemed so old and sixty was positively ancient. But, not anymore. I feel no different to thirty, except that I know I’m wiser, and I like myself now. 

I live a truly blessed life. I am free and I was born in the most beautiful country in the world. I am surrounded in luxury and share my life with some amazing people. 

My wish this year is not wholly for myself, even though, if I’m honest, I hope my life stays blessed, including the challenges that steer me forward but hurt in the process. My wish this year is for the people around me, in the flesh as well as my friendships, started in the flesh, but maintained through Facebook. 

And my wish is this … 

that we all continue to embrace the challenges that confront us so that we are empowered to grow. That we feel the love coming to us, arms encircling us, especially in our darkest moments. That the loneliness we sometimes feel is fleeting, and ultimately, inspires us to hold those we love a little tighter. That we continue to turn towards one another for inspiration rather than away from one another in fear. That we really see the beauty in each day, the small things that inspire gratitude and the big things that make us smile. That we know that we are doing our very best, especially on the days that our strength is depleting, and that we remain kind to ourselves and forgiving of others. That we love wholly, ourselves, others, our pets, the animals, the environment and the majick folk. That we love our lives, and if we do not love our lives, the courage to dream big and manifest our dreams, one small step at a time. 

I wish for a roof over our heads, safety, food, warmth in winter and cool in summer, friends, family, connection, education, gratitude, happiness, peace (yes you, Trump, Putin, Kim Jong un, and all other dictators), but most of all, passion to be in every second of every day, and big steel capped Doc Martens to fight every battle that comes your way in style and with grace. 

I wish all of us, warriors on a shared path, success and strength and conviction; renewed energy on the hard days, and a good doona to cocoon ourselves in when we need to hide until that energy brews. I wish us all a sense of humour and the ability to discern when something isn’t our issue. I wish us love. And, chocolate. And, potato salad. 

I wish that we all remember that trouble is temporary and we are the engineers of our own lives. We will be treated as we allow people to treat us and our lives will be exactly what we choose for them to be. 

I wish you enough hope and faith that you are safe, living your best life. 

Happy next year ahead to all of us! 

Breakthrough

So I was just sitting here, watching Dr Phil, my head pounding, and I thought, “I struggle with my Birthday because I don’t believe I’m worth celebrating.” 

I know how ridiculous that is, but it’s truly what came into my head. I know I am worth it but it’s like I don’t believe other people will think I am. Lower my expectation, minimize disappointment. How f’ed in the head is that?! 

And I stand by what I said the other day, this stems from the IVF journey; the journey that just keeps giving lol. And that stems from being single.

For the majority of my life, probably until I hit my late thirties and forties, I hadn’t believed I was worth what I now think is very obvious worth. IVF compounded this because even though I was surrounded by people, it is a very alone journey, not lonely but alone. There are aspects of it that only the woman could understand, even in the most loving relationship. 

The drugs, the injections, the emotional rollercoaster, the listening and feeling and questioning every single physical aspect, well, you do that alone. The continual failure takes its toll. And then miscarrying, and misvarrying entirely alone and isolated, well, that compounded it all too. 

And so I learned I would do my life myself. I would pull back from everything (except work) to protect myself. I think when I wanted people to just know what to do, and to just be who I needed and wanted them to be, and they weren’t, I internalized that by reverting to my childhood narrative. The one where I’m not pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough, worth enough. 

Then there was the workplace bullying, healing from the miscarriage and another failed IVF, and then the investigation, more ‘voices’ telling me I wasn’t good enough; to the extent that my support network was shut down by the institution through their installation of fear by threatening that I would lose my job. 

Oh wow. No wonder my head is abnormal 😉 trying not to swear lol. 

And that’s why when my friend said we needed to do something for my birthday, and suggested something, and organized it, respecting my request to keep my birthday quiet, I was happy to say yes: best of both worlds, celebration without pressure. 

I’m looking forward to my birthday. A year wiser in a transformative year. A year where I am rebuilding my entire life, from the ground up. 

What a blessing courage is. 

What a blessing freedom is. 

What a blessing this life is. 

Happy Birthday, Tina. You are becoming, you are, the woman you always wanted to be. I’m proud of you kiddo! 

Alone-ness

My IVF journey has left me with some treats that just keep giving lol. For the most part I have moved through the cycle, and am grateful that I have goals, unrelated to pregnancy and birthing and raising a child, to guide my life forward. I am also accepting that not falling pregnant was a good thing for me. I seriously think I would have lacked the necessary patience to survive. 

As a long time single person, people are surprised that I have no real desire to be partnered. I think I am just too selfish/self-absorbed/happy. However, my IVF journey did leave its mark once a year on this state. 

I struggle with my birthday. The last time I celebrated big was about five years ago. I was going to relaunch the Tina Birthday Festival last year but the investigation was raw and I decided to wait until it was over (little did I know that it wouldn’t be over for another eight months). 

This year, in transformation, I can’t afford to throw the big party (saving it for my fiftieth). 

I dread the day. The one day that I believe everyone should feel really special, I haven’t for a while. This is the only day each year that I feel very alone, like I’m not important to anyone really, that I’m not a priority. My doing for the most part. There are only so many birthdays you can organise yourself before you are just over it. 

I understand that most of my friends are part of a couple. I understand that they are each other’s priority. I think though, that there are different expectations of single people. I am expected to be available for others and that somehow, things are easier for me to juggle. I have the energy to do and to be for others more than I can realistically expect from them. IVF highlighted this for me. Meh. Ridiculous, really. 

So, a couple of weeks ago I started to feel sorry for myself (yes, I’m usually strong, empowered and inspiring but I’m also human lol), just wishing someone would say, “Let’s do this for your birthday,” and I would do it and feel loved. Then I chided myself and reminded myself that if I wanted to celebrate it, I should celebrate it and organise something. It’s just that my low self-esteem can’t take people saying they are unavailable to celebrate my birthday – childish I know, but I never used to feel this way so I need to work out what it is that shifted. Maybe it’s just that I don’t feel that I’m valued as much as I feel I should be; a lot of my friendships are one sided – I’m there for guidance and support only. 

Anyway, as I unravel the threads of insecurity, value and worth, I was reminded that the universe provides when we trust that it will (and sometimes even when we don’t). 

One of my friends bought me something I’ve wanted for ages, a Himalayan Salt Lamp, and I should have trusted this turning point. It was something I could not justified fy spending money on myself. 

I graciously accepted. 

And then a week later I received a message from another friend ordering me to dinner for my birthday. I have graciously accepted this too. My instant response was to say no, it’s all good, but my head said, this is what you wanted, we have provided it, accept it. 

And so I have. 

I’m now not dreading this birthday. 

It’s funny how things sometimes work out. 

Thank you M and N. 

2017 Recap Thus Far

January – the month of catch ups and anxiety over finances

February – the month of exploration and travel, and letting go of anxiety 

March – the month of movement forward and ownership

April – the month of health issues coming to the fore and reclaiming the dream 

It is my forty sixth birthday on Wednesday. Forty six sounds so old. It doesn’t feel old. Realistically I’m probably half way through this life. A lot of road to still cover. 

The first forty six have empowered me to do many things and be many things. I am very grateful for all of the challenges, all of the joys, all of the people, all that I have encountered that has shaped me into who I am today. 

I am Tina. 

I am a writer, healer, teacher, mentor and friend. 

I am a sister, aunt, daughter, mother, cousin, niece. 

I am a witch. 

I am a traveller, reader, socialist, vegetarian, TV addict, thinker. 

I am dreaded, tattooed, once pierced, liberated. 

I am often spread too thin, only learning now to put my needs first. 

I am sensitive and often feel the pain of others as if it were my own. I am tired. I am protecting myself. 

I am strong and I am resilient. I am able to work through the obstacles and challenges that confront me to attain peace. 

I am always learning, growing, being. 

I am present, moreso today than yesterday, always. 

I am surrounded by love and safe in my very eclectic tribe. I am alone. I am solitude. I am free. 

I am open. I am an explorer. I am a watcher. I am spiritual and I am deeply moved by the beauty and the ferocity of the natural world. I am peace. 

I am here. I am now. I am then. I am. 

Complicated? No. 

The situation in Syria is complicated, they say. I’m not so sure. Putin aligned with Assad against Trump. And today, North Korea led by Kim Jong un in Trump’s line of sight. 

And what all of these men have in common is two-fold: operating from ego and serious mental health issues. 

This isn’t complicated. Difficult to fix, but not complicated. 

And the solution comes down to all of us. These leaders need to be removed. They are not serving the common interests of the world. If we were to ask the average person what they wanted for our world, I don’t think too many would suggest war as a priority. 

Because war breeds fear, and causes injury and death. No parent wants to sacrifice their child to this. And for what? The feeding of male ego. 

Seriously, makes no sense. We have allowed our world to become dominated by fear mongering, ignorant, inhumane, ego driven males. 

Why? Why? Why? 

Can we not see any potential for a different world?

I think we all need to take our right to vote more seriously because when we don’t, this is what we get. And whilst this is better than living under the regime of a dictator, realistically, I’m not sure we are enough away from it. 

Between Places 

A part of me is afraid to let go of teaching. It’s a weird place to be. It isn’t surprising though. 

I wanted to be a teacher and a writer synonymously. Becoming a teacher was easier I think, and I was going to use it to support my writing. I just didn’t manage both. I gave all to teaching: becoming better at it, the students, their families, the school. I left no real breathing space for myself.

I was talking with one of my best and closest friends on Monday. I told her that I didn’t know when my passion for teaching went, when I stopped loving going to work every day. She told me that she knew; it was the last time I took leave without pay. 2008. 

And I think she is right. 

I had a few years in there, finishing prior to being under investigation, in the Creative and Performing Arts faculty, where some passion came back. The staff I was working with, and the Reading to Learn and ALARM programs rejuvenated that passion. I felt alive again because I was fulfilling my creative potential I think. 

There was no real passion last year, love but not passion. 

On Monday, whilst out with my friend, we ran into a few of my students. Oh my. I loved seeing them. I miss the play with the kids, the symbiosis, the laughter. I miss regular contact with some of the staff. I don’t miss the politics, the gossip, the egos, the welfare, the long hours and the frustration. I do miss my classroom. 

I’ve been struggling to go back to one of my adolescent fiction novels about a teen who is raped at a party even though I’ve been writing it in my head. And I think it is because I am putting the writing first. Stepping onto that path and owning it has given me pause. 

I need to do what I usually do, acknowledge the fear and jump anyway. 

So, I leave you to pick up my laptop and to continue writing her story. 

Climate Change? Hmmm …

Throughout the years, I have had many discussions with intelligent people about the validity of climate change. Is the earth freezing inevitable? Historically, yes. This fast? Nup, I don’t think so. 

Regardless, I think we do need to look at the way that we live in the first world. We are disconnected, we are out of balance, and we have lost respect for the miracle of nature and it’s ecosystem. People, animals, the earth … all in crisis. 

Click the link. We have been on this planet for not much more than a blink of the eyes …

http://youtu.be/VrzbRZn5Ed4