I have felt unsettled since the year started because I discovered that my first instinct relating to conflict is to run. I have justified to myself that this is because I just don’t like conflict. However, I think it has deeper significance.
As a child from a home full of conflict, I learned that I couldn’t win. I knew that my voice and what I thought was valid, deep within myself, but I couldn’t get anyone else to treat me the way I believed I deserved to be treated; I wasn’t heard. I retreated into the world of imagination and story. Today this is represented by my love of tattooing; my voice permanently and loudly etched into my skin.
Last week I had a conflict with someone. I didn’t run but trusted that in time we would resolve it together. We have done this.
Similarly, I had a conflict with my dad recently. I didn’t believe that he was hearing me. We discussed this. I explained how his words made me feel. He now acknowledges in conversations that could be damaging why he is expressing himself the way that he is.
Throughout my life, rather than face the conflict, I have fled from it. It is a recurring and unhealthy pattern.
Acknowledging and owning this is a solid step towards changing it. This morning I was able to trace this part of my persona back to its beginning.
I am peace. I am calm. I am transformation.