The Vulnerability Battle 

One of the hardest things in small business for me is the unknown. Another thing that I find difficult, but am working through conscientiously, is my sense of value. 

I am okay. Just today’s observations as January closes. 

As an English teacher in the public school system you would think I would now be used to being undervalued lol. However, it would appear that I am not. When I set my rates for tutoring, a few friends strongly reminded me not to undersell the skills I possess. I did some research and felt comfortable with my rates. 

I have been told, repeatedly, that I am expensive. Hmmm … 

1. You get what you pay for: 24 years experience teaching high school English to kids that often didn’t want to learn. 

2. I am massively experienced, highly competent and basically, a gifted teacher. The expense will never be long term; I teach the skills required for success. 

Yes, I can state this easily. But stating it is accompanied by an anxious belly. And that goes to something far beyond how much I charge for tutoring. 

This year, this reckless gap year or mid life crisis, is forcing me to confront my shadow fears and my shadow self.

I believe that I am an amazing creature. Yet, I live in fear that I may be mistaken lol. It’s a small but real fear. What if my definitions are out. And yes, I realize how crazy this sounds. 

I think though, that changing it up forces us to confront ourselves on a different level. I can go back to my job but I don’t want to just yet. I feel that this uncertainty will teach me something. I feel that I have more to offer myself and this world than I currently do. I feel that there is unexplored terrain that is calling me to explore it.

I don’t want to stagnate, to settle, to be compliant, to exist. I’m craving something more. 

Self-absorbed? Probably. 

Self-serving? Probably. 

But, the benefit from this growth in my self serves everyone. When I am functioning at my best, I am a beacon of light and a promise of hope. 

Arrogant?

Nup. Just keeping it real. 

I believe that when we live our best life we become our best selves which serves everyone and the world at large.

Oprah. Audrey. Martin Luther King Jr. Nelson Mandela. Meryl Streep. Susan Sarandon. The list goes on (where are my Australian role models???). 

What a rollercoaster of emotion lol. 

People have said I am brave. 

It doesn’t feel that way on the inside, but maybe bravery is just doing even when you’re feeling like it’s dumb and safety would be easier. Meh. 

It is what it is. I can’t go back yet. I’m not ready. 

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