Wow. From calm, serenity, peace on Saturday to overwhelming anxiety and the physical manifestation of that yesterday. I was so churned up last night that I have had to call in sick today. I won’t go into detail about how my body physically manifested. I’m sure you can imagine. 

It’s been a big few weeks. I think sometimes we forget that our bodies and souls need to process our lives and that takes longer than it takes our minds to decide or process things.   

India was life changing. People say I seem different now. I have integrated I think. I feel whole. But it was also life changing because I’ve taken big steps to change my life. I have worked out what I would like my life to look like, to feel like (moreso, I think I’ve used courage to just own that my life wasn’t bringing me joy) and I’ve taken steps to address that. 

Big steps. 

Then, two funerals within eleven days, one close and one not as close, resolution on the investigation, deciding to take leave without pay next year, and organizing some big travel plans, all in like two and a half weeks, and, man. Of course it was going to catch up. 

So I’ve chosen to be kind to myself, to sit with myself and let everything settle. Again, I’m choosing myself first. That I am doing this, putting my needs first, with minimal guilt, still surprises me. 

I have grown. I do value myself. I embrace my worth. 

Our society tells us that doing this is wrong. That selfishness is a bad word and is wrong. 

But, it’s not. Everything in balance. I give a great deal. I am no use though if I am depleted. I need to give to myself first. 

So do you. 

Are you? 

2 thoughts on “Rollercoaster

  1. As I sit at home on sick leave myself, this rings true. I know I cannot be everything to everyone if I am not everything to myself. I have been forced to this realisation several times in the last 10 years, and yet I make the same mistakes. I still feel guilty and disappointed in myself but it gives me hope that you have learned the life lessons the universe has presented you – maybe one day soon I will too. As always, thank you for sharing

    Liked by 1 person

    • There is something in our generation – we believe we need to be ‘perfect’ even though that isn’t the right word. I will keep learning – changing 45 years of habit takes time. Be kind to yourself my soul warrior. We will both make it.

      Liked by 1 person

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