I never used to commit easily. To people, I mean. Vegetarianism, school and learning, I’ve never struggled with commitment there. No, just people.
I realised yesterday though that some of the people, amongst the best people in my life, I have known for fifteen years. Firmly in each other’s lives for more than ten of those. Amazing.
They are my family even though they are not blood relatives. I have friends too, but yesterday I realised the difference. We have had our ups and downs but we have grown together. They have seen me at my worst and my best, and they have loved me regardless, and when it was difficult to do so. And that goes both ways. Their presence in my life enriches my life. And I am grateful for that.
That is family.
Friendship doesn’t always endure like that. You are not as vital as family. Family offers, even in dysfunction, stability and security of sorts. You share the massive journey of good and bad. You cry, laugh, fight, learn and grow together, because there is no choice. When they are not there, your heart misses them. To function at your best, their presence or spirit enables that. We enable each other.
I like that.
I miss being more present.
Part of healing from infertility became working. And part of the working load is changing government requirements. It is time for me to reclaim my life though. I’ve talked about wanting to for at least a couple of years and then, despite the best intentions, I allow work to consume me.
I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want to find ease in hiding in the work.
I had photos taken at the wedding yesterday. I usually look at photos of myself and see ugly. Not yesterday. Bizarre. I think being surrounded by people in Varanasi who continually told me I was beautiful, has impacted the way I see myself, like I have seen myself through the eyes of others for the first time and believed what they say they see.
What a wonderful day yesterday was.
How blessed is my life.