Harping on the same theme here. It is a significant one in my life. Its impact runs deep. Amazing for so few letters to have blocked my ability to be fully and wholly who I am: my best self.
Deserving, throughout my life, and my belief that I don’t deserve the very best, has blocked so much of what I have desired to achieve. When you have been told your entire life that you are not good enough, it becomes difficult to believe that you are. It becomes difficult to own your strengths and successes, and to accept compliments without qualification or diminishing the intent.
The night before last one of the girls called me on this. I started working on accepting with grace. More positive statements rolled in, one after the other, from unexpected sources.
I was just being me. And so many powerful women are affirming who I am. And because I trust them, I have to believe them. And that started a wave of confusion.
For forty five years those other narratives have held my atttention. I have believed that I am not good enough and as a result, I do not deserve the things that I desire, that other people have.
Here, in India, I am writing a new narrative. These powerful women are consolidating the words that my closest friends and family have been trying to give me for years. Me starting to spiritually believe it all is hard work; letting go of the impact of the past hurts and recoding my brain is hard work.
And do, it isn’t going to be easy. Maybe, wasn’t is a more appropriate word. I can feel yesterday’s blah shifting. And I trust the calling here so must be open to the lessons. But nothing is ever straightforward.
I had an incident of ego with one of the girls last night. It is currently 4.27am and I awoke an hour ago, at peace until I remembered. So much soul work is processing and I know that yesterday was a hard day doing just that. And I was given opportunities where I could accept the old narratives or push against them.
It was my choice.
The incident of ego involved a disagreement over who used a word first. Yes, I know. Ridiculous. I was chastised in front of the group and then ignored. And it resulted in me coming up to bed and not dancing on the hotel roof with the others. And I needed to learn from this.
It didn’t sit right. And the words I don’t deserve this kept slapping me in the face. And I believed those words. But in ego hurt and a bit of shock, I succumbed to tears and the old pattern of removing myself so as not to cause discomfort for others.
What I realise this morning is that I had to have my lesson reinforced. I needed to be in a situation similar to one from my real world, to be able to mull over a new response.
This is the last time that I will become small because someone doesn’t like something I have said or done.
My entire life I have been given opportunities to rise above my circumstances. However, I have always allowed myself to be kept small. I have always deferred to the I am not good enough and I am not deserving narratives.
But I am deserving. Logically, I have always known that. Spiritually, not believed it. Until now.
I came here to India, very open, very much wanting to heal. Yesterday was a tough day. The energy here and within the group is so powerful. I am grateful for the opportunity and grateful that my core defeater has been challenged here. Long term defeat will be a process of remembering and affirmation, but I will be victorious.
My energy is good. I am a good person. I occasionally make mistakes. I do not deserve to be belittled, dehumanised, ostracised, or imprisoned by process for any mistake I may make. I deserve much better. And I will stand proudly and resolutely in the power of my own truth.
I am deserving of everything good in this world. I am deserving. I am worthy. I am valuable. I am deserving.