I was shy as a child. I was shy, unless drunk, in my twenties. I said I was shy in my thirties, and I believed it. I have said I am shy in my forties, but it’s no longer true. I was told I was fat as a child. I was told I was fat as a teenager. I was not fat, not as a child and not as a teenager. I am now.
I call myself ugly. This isn’t true. Even though I am fat.
Labels are dangerous. They limit us. They hinder us from fulfilling our fullest potential. Even positive labels. I am a good person. But I can be a cranky cow. If you believe I am only a good person, you won’t accept me when I’m not.
The labels we put on ourselves are the most damaging. I have let, I’m quite sure, my labels define me, and define my life choices.
I was unworthy, undeserving, unlovable.
All garbage. And, as a result, I didn’t believe that I was worthy, deserving and lovable.
I am perfect in my imperfection.
And, so are you.
Today we welcomed and explored Lakshmi Shakti. We honoured ourselves collectively and individually as priestesses of Lakshmi. We started cleansing our shame.
The group connectedness and energy here is palpable. We are a mighty group of women, empowering ourselves here whilst immersed in a culture that does not offer the same to all of our sisters.
The individual connections I have made here are inspiring in their illumination of what is possible. Today we embraced our voices. We sang our song. Literally and metaphorically. Today, healing became conscious.
I forgive myself for labeling myself.
I forgive myself for self-imposed limitations as a result of the labels.
I forgive myself for everything that I failed to do as a result of the limitations of the labels.
I forgive me.
I will not let me be silenced by labels, arbitrary rules or by others any more.
For over 34 weeks I have been under investigation for allegedly failing to report the alleged misconduct of others. I have been shackled and made voiceless. This shackling triggered memories of childhood dysfunction and abuse. It brought back childhood shame. It breathed fire into dormant feelings of not being enough.
And for thirty four weeks I have struggled because a system is telling me that who I am, a warrior woman, is not allowed to be.
Today, I have reclaimed my voice.
Today, I am me.
I forgive myself. I forgive the system. I forgive those that enforce the system.
And I have faith that all is as it should be. And that all that is meant to be, will be.
Thank you to my new friends, Mel and Rayleigh, for allowing me to find the words. And to Alana, for the opportunity in sacred space to heal.