I once heard that life will only throw at us what we are capable of dealing with. I’ve used this mantra, and everything happens for a reason, to get me through some dark moments in my life. I also try to remember Rome; the very old with the new side by side – everything will be okay. But, I digress.
I was at my Body Talk appointment last week. And, in the middle of it, I had a flashback to my childhood and a vivid recount of being sexually abused. I have known for a long time that this happened. But always in like photographic moments, never video. This was a week ago. It was bizarre.
I felt it. Felt the trauma. Felt the peace. All within like five minutes. Processed the event and restored the balance quite fast. I told my practitioner. Thought about it later that night. Mentioned it to a friend on Monday. Thought about it this morning. And, I’m okay. Really okay.
For me, I think I have been so aware of the impact of the trauma of my childhood on me for such a long time that my goal for happiness and peace now overrides everything. Or, I’m deluding myself and am in shock. Lol. Meh, how do we know. Just have to trust the present moment and current reaction.
So, why am I mentioning it now and here. Well, sexual abuse stigmatises a child. Definitely of my generation. It was never discussed as openly as abuse is these days. And realistically, how did a child know it was wrong except by how it made them feel, and what frame of reference did a child possess to empower them to trust their reaction.
But secrecy in general, stigmatises people. I have been involved in something this year that I am not allowed to discuss, under threat of losing my job. The secrecy hurt my sense of self and my concept of my place in my world for 28 weeks, and then I didn’t let it anymore. Within four weeks, this flashback.
And, I’m okay.
I can’t wait for the day when I am no longer shackled. I will blog freely again. I will be okay.
Secrecy is not okay though. It damages the psyche. I have always spoken freely about my childhood experiences in a bid to empower others to own their stories. It is only through owning our stories that we believe that we are okay, not the sum of the trauma only, and through which we can claim/reclaim our lives. We move from victim to survivor to enlightened.
I wish this for everyone.
Own your story. Own the depths of it. Trust that the emotions are part of the processing of the trauma, and that they are valid. And trust too, that doing the work yields the results. And the result is inner peace, integration of the different parts of us, being the best version of ourselves living our best lives.
It is possible.
It is the journey.