Funerals 

There is no experience better at reminding us that life is short. Funerals symbolise the body moving from this realm into earth or ash whilst the soul moves on. Our physical bodies can only carry us so far. 

I had the ‘pleasure’ of attending a funeral today for someone I had never met personally. I attended to offer ‘support’ to one of my dearest friends. Just so that she knew she was important to me, and so that for a couple of minutes she could be in her grief without worrying for everyone else (as she is prone to do; as so many women/mums are prone to do). 

And what a wonderful man her father in law was. The funeral took the form of a Catholic Mass. And, no I wasn’t struck down. My brother in law and nieces follow this faith, so God and I have developed an understanding regarding my presence in his houses. 

I don’t know if my friend’s father in law worshipped in church regularly but I do know that he followed the essence of Christian teachings. And anyone who knows me, knows how much respect I hold for those that walk the talk. 

And this man did. 
His son delivered the eulogy. A very human story. And a story signposted by service to others. In the last few months I have heard a lot about this man and it was always obvious how much my friend adored him. Today his son captured why. Eloquently and with touches of humour. A life lived in a way that touched many other lives without expectation of reward. 

As I sat there, listening and watching, I reflected on the notion of service. It is through times of service that I have felt great happiness; there is something soothing/empowering/uplifting when we are giving to others. I think it is the Dalai Lama who proffers that a life lived in service to others, is a life lived in happiness. I think he is right. And today reminded me of this. 

I am so grateful that I was welcomed to attend. I am so grateful that I went. And grateful to have ‘met’ a man that epitomises and lived his life philosophy. 

How powerful are each of our lives in contributing to the happiness in the lives of those we traverse this lifetime with. 

Make sure you tell those that you love, that you love them. Never let there be any doubt of where people stand in your heart. 

Blessings and love from me to you. 

Life 

I once heard that life will only throw at us what we are capable of dealing with. I’ve used this mantra, and everything happens for a reason, to get me through some dark moments in my life. I also try to remember Rome; the very old with the new side by side – everything will be okay. But, I digress. 

I was at my Body Talk appointment last week. And, in the middle of it, I had a flashback to my childhood and a vivid recount of being sexually abused. I have known for a long time that this happened. But always in like photographic moments, never video. This was a week ago. It was bizarre. 

I felt it. Felt the trauma. Felt the peace. All within like five minutes. Processed the event and restored the balance quite fast. I told my practitioner. Thought about it later that night. Mentioned it to a friend on Monday. Thought about it this morning. And, I’m okay. Really okay. 

For me, I think I have been so aware of the impact of the trauma of my childhood on me for such a long time that my goal for happiness and peace now overrides everything. Or, I’m deluding myself and am in shock. Lol. Meh, how do we know. Just have to trust the present moment and current reaction. 

So, why am I mentioning it now and here. Well, sexual abuse stigmatises a child. Definitely of my generation. It was never discussed as openly as abuse is these days. And realistically, how did a child know it was wrong except by how it made them feel, and what frame of reference did a child possess to empower them to trust their reaction. 

But secrecy in general, stigmatises people. I have been involved in something this year that I am not allowed to discuss, under threat of losing my job. The secrecy hurt my sense of self and my concept of my place in my world for 28 weeks, and then I didn’t let it anymore. Within four weeks, this flashback.

And, I’m okay. 

I can’t wait for the day when I am no longer shackled. I will blog freely again. I will be okay. 

Secrecy is not okay though. It damages the psyche. I have always spoken freely about my childhood experiences in a bid to empower others to own their stories. It is only through owning our stories that we believe that we are okay, not the sum of the trauma only, and through which we can claim/reclaim our lives. We move from victim to survivor to enlightened. 

I wish this for everyone. 

Own your story. Own the depths of it. Trust that the emotions are part of the processing of the trauma, and that they are valid. And trust too, that doing the work yields the results. And the result is inner peace, integration of the different parts of us, being the best version of ourselves living our best lives. 

It is possible. 

It is the journey. 

Suffragette

We have the right and responsibility to vote. But, I am not sure we have equality. 

We are still shackled by patriarchy. 

We must look a certain way or we are dismissed. 

We must behave a certain way or we are beaten, slut shamed, dismissed. 

We must still do as we are told, all under the illusion/delusion of freedom. 

I don’t think we were meant to stop fighting. But we did. We believed we had achieved equality and we dropped the fight. As a result, society is moving backwards. 

Young girls are sexually violated; the toys of men who make no attempt to control their animal urges. Young boys, too, violated to be controlled; the way to ensure the gender stereotypes.

Young women are raped, controlled, beaten; subjected to humiliation and degradation through music video clips and foul lyrics, their intelligence undermined by the social need to belong by not rocking the boat. Treated as sexual exploits by men who do not know themselves, and make no attempt to resolve their own inadequacies. 

Older women are ignored, dismissed, non-existent, unless they are sexually desirable. Only then are they seen, but only as a sexual toy, to serve the pleasure of men. 

We had a female PM. Mainstream media ridiculed her, reduced her, denied her. She was “barren”, “unmarried” and “big bottomed”. Her partner was demeaned, his masculinity questioned. The people bought into this rubbish. She was never judged by her merits, just her appearance and lack of sexual desirability. 

Teenage girls believe they must look a certain way, behave a certain way, think (or not think) a certain way, to be desirable, to be accepted, to be okay. 

To succeed. 

As what. Hmmm. 

We still have to fight harder to be heard and to be taken seriously. Society functions following male rules, male justice, male reasoning. Facebook refuses to block users that demean women with a voice. Social media perpetuates the mysogynistic fabric of our society. 

We have forgotten the women who came before us, those who started the fight for equality, and as a result, we have compromised their success. 

Feminist has become a dirty word and women shy away from describing themselves as one. 

Devastating. 

There is nothing wrong or dirty or less than in being a female. Nothing wrong at all. 

Embracing the Path

There is a profound freedom in walking a path and after turmoil, experiencing the freedom that comes with acceptance. 

I am finally there. 

My childhood abuse, my infertility, my frustrations with my employer. Freedom. Acceptance of what each is, acceptance that this is my path, acceptance that all I can control is the present moment. Losing the desire to control more. A life long journey. 

At 45, almost 50 (ūüėČ), I feel like my uninhibited but much wiser life is commencing. I am embracing me. My me. I still can’t accept compliments graciously, maybe in time, and I’m okay with that. I feel free. And happy. 

All is as it should be. 

Institutions That Bind 

It’s been a while. The power of the institution has eclipsed me and I have felt bound. I am currently loosening the ties. 

However, yesterday a sportsperson has found themselves in a world of trouble for associating with an ex footballer, now known for their membership in a bikie gang and facing prosecution for crime. The sportsperson hasn’t commented at this point. What could they possibly say?

I’ve been told that I’m not allowed to choose my own friends even though I’m an adult. Or, perceptions are more important than reality or truth. Or, because of my community profile I’m not a person permitted the same freedoms as others. 

I don’t know the context of their relationship. I also don’t care, as long as no one is being directly hurt by it. If Haynes’ friend is a criminal, well, our justice system will take care of that. 

I do not understand why the institution of public scrutiny is given the power it has. It is absolutely ridiculous. People should be permitted to live their own lives, free from institutional intrusion, as long as they are not compromising the rights of others. This higher level of accountability and scrutiny is absolutely ludicrous. 

The binds of the institution likewise. 

For most of this year (seven months almost), I have felt bound. A circumstance I find myself in has changed me. It has instructed me to be someone I am not. It has forced me to question every choice that I have ever made. I do not walk this earth freely as a result. And I am filled with irrational fear and anxiety. 

And that is attracting like energy. I find myself feeling shame, feeling guilt, feeling fear. I second guess almost every decision, choice, action. I have silenced and castrated myself. Not a healthy way to live. 

But, the institutions of our society have power. It isn’t real power. I still have free will. Fear represses the urge to manifest it. 

I think it is similar to how victims/survivors of bullying, abuse, violence, addiction feel. That loss of freedom and trust in the self. 

I am moving through this. My core essence is still with me. The witch is trusting that magick will win. After all, persecution is not new here. This is not the first time she has felt silenced. But, this will be the last time. 

Some of our institutions have passed their usefulness. In this day and age, in this western world, we can choose freedom. It just means sacrifice. I am now preparing myself for that. 

New paths await. My soul is singing to soar. I will not disappoint it.