On Wednesday something shifted in me. It’s like I gave myself permission to start to feel alright. It was my first day back at work after five days away, I caught up with a good friend for dinner, and I felt myself release something.
It continued on Thursday, and even though it was a feral day with only two of the five of us in at work, I felt an inner calm within me, and I smiled heartily for most of the day. I went dress shopping after school and whilst I didn’t buy anything, I ran into several people I haven’t seen in a very long time, and my heart continued to smile. An impossible yoga class that night stretched out a few kinks.
On Friday, for the most part, I continued to feel really good. Something in me has shifted.
A situation that has been plaguing me for six months looks like it might be coming to an end but it’s more than that. I think that I have started to understand the lessons that were intended from that very dark situation.
The situation has forced me to be more empowered. I think it has forced me to start to say no and to believe that I am worth much more than I have behaved. It’s like I have started to realise my own power and my own worth, at the same time.
And, as a result, I’m not tolerating the things that people say and do, that minimise me, any more. I’m fighting for me. It’s not to say other people aren’t worth as much, they obviously are, but I’ve never thought I was worth very much, even though I knew I was, if that makes sense. I could try to explain that but I think you’ll get it if you’ve been there, are there, or think you might be there.
I’ve also realised that I have started to accept more responsibility for fixing/controlling/resolving this.
I feel light. Hopeful. Blissfully content. Exceptionally grateful. Not for the entirety of the catalyst that brought me here; it’s still too fresh, too raw, but for the experience in principle.
And I’m stepping out of my comfort zone more.
Yesterday I ventured into Sydney to catch up with some of the girls I went to school with. I was nervous. It has been twenty eight years since I saw some of the girls. And some of them were there in my life during my darkest days as a child, and they provided refuge, light and safety. So I felt nervous.
I broke contact when I started uni hours away from home, and started to unravel all of the threads of my childhood. A new life was created and I left behind aspects of my old life.
Yesterday though, after the nervous start, I felt a sense of wholeness descend to wrap me in its arms and take me home. What a wonderful experience. K and I didn’t get home until 9.30pm. We left just after 8. I could have stayed for hours more. These girls are home. My home.
I arrived home on a high. I’m still in that wave of deep connection. And I’m so grateful. I feel whole and settled, for the first time in a long time. I see my life clearly. And I see the need to integrate the old with the beautiful people I have in my life now.
My ability to commit to people was taught by the Hayes family, every single one of them through very diverse individual relationships. Since meeting them, especially from the lessons Karyn and I have learnt together, I became able to commit. To learn what it was, what it meant, and how it provides a stability.
And throughout the years since meeting them I have enabled people to move freely in and out of my life as life wishes it. Without them losing me, or me losing them. And now, people from all periods of my life are present in my life.
A very long time ago now another person who will always be dear to me passed around a sentiment about friendship and people that C echoed yesterday as we sat in the pub. People enter your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
I feel very blessed that within the last year, a lot of my seasons have reentered my life and reconnected with me, and I feel have become lifetime friends because they will always be in my heart first and foremost, but in some way present in my life.
Today I wake up wholly happy, with a renewed lust for life, in all of its uncertainty and with all of its complications. And today, I start to say goodbye to the horrid last six months, and thank them for teaching me that life is short, I am valuable, and that I deserve the very best that life can give me.
But I also know that I am the one that needs to make it happen through my choices and my action. Because I deserve it.
So do you.