Living the Charmed Life

So, my posts are down to one a week. I have been so busy working but also preparing my workshops Writing to Heal, which start Tuesday night. Ironic that as I start my workshops I no longer maintain my blog daily. 

Or not. 

I have walked the walk. For the last two years my blog has been my journal. It has been my healing writing. 

I am happy. My life is shifting. I envisage the life I dream of living becoming a reality. It’s exciting, and terrifying, all in one. 

As of Tuesday, the first big step in leaving teaching becomes real. I have given myself five years to build. If it doesn’t, then I’ll need to look elsewhere. But I think it will build; I don’t see that it won’t. At any rate, I’m on the path that I am meant to be on. 

Preparing my workshops doesn’t feel like work. 

Anyway, I’m not giving up my blog but it will be taking a back seat for a while. My business is my priority and I’m still a full time teacher/head teacher. 

Thank you to all who have followed and read regularly, to all who have sent me kind words, to all who have engaged. 

❤️

The Right Path For Whatever Reason

I’ve been absent from my blog. I have kept up my gratitude every day but chose to stop posting it. It’s important to me but highly likely, boring to others hehe. And I’ve been processing everything in my life leading up to this full moon.

I bought the car. I now drive the car. I zip around like I’m in my twenties again lol. The purchase came with some grieving to do though. I initially bought the Tiguan because I was going to have a few kids and be a soccer mum, so we needed the space. Saying goodbye was hard. Intellectually I know that I’m not going to be a birth mum. However, I didn’t realise that there was a part of me still holding on to the dream. And so many people in my life are always pregnant. It’s hard. 

I am in the process of moving towards acceptance that pregnancy is the one that got away from me, and that is okay. My life is fertile in many other ways. 

I run my first series of workshops, starting Tuesday week. And there are people interested, which to be honest, terrifies and excites me all in the one breath. 

Such a huge step for me. Seeing myself as a healer rather than a teacher. Those labels start to do more than just identify us. Sometimes we become so safe inthe definition that we think that is all that there is to us. 

Starting my business is me giving myself permission to be more than a label or definition. I feel that I am finally ready to embrace all of me and accept that I am valuable in my entirety. 

And I believe I’m fulfilling my destiny. I’m open, I’m willing to receive, and I’m willing to work hard. 

I consider myself to have trust issues; I’ve always defined myself that way. Damaged childhood, damaged adult. At the workshop with Alana Fairchild yesterday, rather than feel confronted and anxious by a trust activity with people I do not know, I felt energised and truly excited. People had to touch me to stop me from falling, and I didn’t care. I felt safe within my core; no one could hurt me therefore I could trust because I was trusting myself and the universe (God energy or however you regard it). 

It was amazing. Soul inspiring. A measure of my real growth and real comfort with who I am. I also didn’t feel shy. A little reserved in some activities, but not shy. I think I oozed confidence. 

Bizarre. 

And listening to Alana’s story, I felt that I am making the right decisions for my life. This business will be a growing process and I must be patient, and trusting that even if it doesn’t work out, the journey is the valuable piece in my life’s puzzle. I am where I am supposed to be. 

Throughout the meditations yesterday I saw an Amazonian warrior dancing in grass. I need to google it. She kept appearing. If anyone knows what that could embody, please let me know. Amazon rainforest not oversized women Amazons. 

The Hero’s Journey

I was just watching Oprah and Liz Gilbert on Super Soul Sunday talking about the hero’s journey (Joseph Campbell’s ideas). Specifically, they pointed out that theirs and my generation of women are the first women who were not just expected to leave school, get married, have babies and support a husband on his journey. 

And it’s true. 

Joseph Campbell has always maintained that women do not have a hero’s journey because their journey has always been clear – have babies, keep the species alive. There has been no room for the Unknown. 

Yes, a simplistic view of it all. 

But the next point is that as a result women of my age struggle for role models which makes it difficult to take the leap of faith to live a life that is ‘other’.

For me, it explains why I adore and respect both women so much. Unable to bear children, their choice not to be mothers makes my infertility that little bit easier to wear in our society. I am still abnormal, but I’m not alone in that abnormality. So to speak. 

Also, women who have been pioneers in following their bliss, make it that tiny bit easier for me to accept that old adage, which I abhor, that everything happens for a reason. Infertility permits me to keep trying other things, mixing my life up a bit, dabbling in many things, to the point where I now believe that my role here in this incarnation is to continue my work as a healer. 

And I now embrace that. 

And am happier for it. 

That’s not to say that I no longer wish for children. I do. Every day, at least once, but it isn’t as intense a pain, more a yearning. 

I still can’t go to baby showers. I still struggle with the pregnancies of friends. I still dream and think of falling pregnant. 

But I don’t cry. 

There is an acceptance within me that that just wasn’t my path. And so a desire to find my path, and do the work, has substituted my baby dream. I am more resilient than I was. 

My wish for the younger women of this world is that they too, find their own path, realising that gender doesn’t preclude them from any path that they want to follow; they just might have to fight harder. 

There is not just one way of living, but many, and they are all equally valid and valuable. As are all people. 

Day 15

Massive week that was. Very long hours with minimal down time. Fighting against an impending illness. NAPLAN. New car. Minimal anxiety. Social engagements. Professional Learning. 

Then, that time of month with no release like last month. 

I am grateful that I got to live it, work through it; feeling every good, bad, happy, sad, funny moment. This week won’t be as busy. 

I’ve decided. 

And so that’s the way it will be. And I will be grateful for that too. 

😉

Day 9

An unusual gratitude this morning. As is normal at the moment, I woke very early. Rather than toss and turn I thought I had better use my time productively so I decided to catch up on my reading of others’ blogs in my reader. 

Anxiety makes you very selfish. And that’s okay – we all have to do, and have to be what will keep us alive, functioning and hopefully happy, eventually. I have enjoyed reading the blogs. I have not been very connected or present. 

There is a community here. And I miss it when I’m not connected as much as I miss my real life friends. 

It was nice catching up.

I feel a little guilty, but know that I need to push through that. A time for everything. 

I am grateful that I started my blog. I am grateful for the cyber connections I have made along the way. I am grateful for my IVF journey because many of those connections would not have been possible without it. 

Today, I am just grateful … 

Day 8

Ah, Mother’s Day.

Very mixed emotion day for so many. It highlights the loss of mums, the inability to be a mum, regrets as a mum, regrets of things we haven’t said or been able to share with our mums, as well as the value and importance of mums. 

I am grateful today for my mum. She had a very rough time raising three girls with minimal money. She was always willing to take in our friends, and to find ways to make what we did have, stretch further. In my adult life, she has been a huge support and is usually the first person I share with. I love her always. And probably do not tell her that enough, or that she is perfect just as she is. 

Today, I am also grateful for five sisters that belong to one of my very good friends who, without fail, every Mother’s Day, remind me that they love me. They do not have to do this it choose to, and I become overwhelmed by their genuine love. 

I truly am blessed. 

A hard day in so many ways. A day to stay away from Facebook. A day easy to be lost focusing on what is not

But, I choose love. And kindness to myself. And focusing on the many beautiful people who share my life. 

I choose to focus on what is

I wish the same for you; a day of gratitude for what we do have even if it is not all that we would have liked to have.

❤️

Day 7

There is something wonderful about driving home through open space, with one of your best friends, after a scintillating but intense day of professional learning, and arriving home to your family. 

Bliss. 

Day 6

Warm weather. Sunlight. A sense of humour. People more insane than I am. And the ability, with Belinda, to keep a school entertained with nothing but a microphone, our brains, our friendship and a coin. 

I have not achieved my To Do List this week, no where near it. But that’s okay. 

My Year 11 class are writing some wonderful creative pieces. Year 12 wrote some good essays for Module A. Year 10 are focused on learning, and Year 7 are understanding the concept of context. My children are mostly happy and their teacher feels that we are learning well together. 

The school’s 25th Birthday plans are moving along. And I pick up my new car on Thursday afternoon. 

I am in Sydney tomorrow with one of the besties for some professional learning, and the social agenda is full. 

Things could be a hell of a lot worse. 

They aren’t. 

I’m grateful. 

And a bit more 

Doubly grateful today. 

Epiphanies are grand. I had one today. I love gratitude journals (go figure). I think they are brilliant for working towards happiness. I don’t know that they work as well with anxiety. 

So, today, three days in to waking up without anxiety and only experiencing discomfort at points yesterday, I had an epiphany. I’ve asked one of my kids to trial it. 

It’s a Control Journal. Rather than listing gratitude, you list the things you had control over during the day to the point that you are writing in your Control Journal. 

I’m thinking I could be on to something with this … 

Yoga now. 

😃