I have only sat outside in my backyard twice since moving in ten months ago. Abnormal.
I started to question why. I also haven’t gardened much and recently, I am struggling to contact my lawn man to have it cut. It’s like I don’t care about it. Abnormal.
So, before I moved I debated getting rid of my outdoor setting and buying a new one. My backyard, and especially my covered area, is so much smaller here. I decided to bring the setting here and set it up out the back. I’ve cleaned it. I bought new cushions for it. I put solar lanterns up and my wind chimes.
And I’ve sat out there twice.
My sister introduced me to her outdoor setting, purchased on EBay. I looked. I found. I bought.
Today I picked it up. Saturday I will assemble it. It’s perfect.
I drove an hour each way to get it. I’ve stopped listening to music when I drive, preferring to absorb my environment and process. A beautiful run through the country today to get my new setting. I felt relaxed. Calm. Peaceful.
This week I have felt more like myself. Still some anxiety but my personality has come back a little more strongly. I thought about why.
1. Away from the cause of the anxiety.
2. Controlling what I can control:-
a. To Do list
b. When I go out
c. Who I see
d. My home environment
e. Organising to buy a new car
3. Realising the whispers are turning into roars and focusing on my business plan again; making a stronger commitment and devising a strategy forward.
And I think this is key. I was ready to take back control of the things that I can control but had to be out of the environment of the anxiety for a good solid week before I was able to do that.
I’m still feeling anxiety, especially in my tummy. But I feel like I have some control over my life and I’m starting to slay the fear.
Interesting. And as a result, I don’t think I’m going to be ready to return to the source of anxiety on Tuesday.